From oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu Fri Aug 22 00:10:29 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.10) id AAA29575; Fri, 22 Aug 1997 00:10:29 -0500 (EST) Date: Fri, 22 Aug 1997 00:10:29 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199708220510.AAA29575@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list@cs.indiana.edu Subject: Internet Oracularities #934 Reply-To: oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 934 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #934 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 22 Aug 1997 00:10:29 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 934 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 929 89 votes gpte5 ijoj9 5iur9 8lFe5 6amwj 4fvu9 9ptk6 anvn2 7cque 5gmsi 929 3.1 mean 2.6 2.8 3.2 2.9 3.5 3.3 2.9 2.8 3.4 3.4 --- 934-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless > driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he > knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. > His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The judge leaned back and cackled evilly. } } "Oh, nothing so benign as that, you poor sap," said he. He motioned to } the baliff, who walked forward and dumped a barrel of glue on Emo. } Another person approached and dumped red fuzz all over Emo. Finally, } someone stuck two eyes, a nose, and a mouth on top of the fuzz. } } "For the rest of your days, you will be cute and annoying and giggle } like a small girl when you are tickled. You entered this courtroom as } Emo... you leave it as Elmo." } } You owe the Oracle a Tickle-Me-Emo doll. Make sure it hasn't been } drinking. --- 934-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle! tellme the answer to my question! NOW! > > What is the diffrence between a Yak, and a Turtle??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } About 47 points depending on where the double word score landed. } } You owe the Oracle an s on the end of Turtle for an extra 50. --- 934-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ah! Look at all the zotted woodchucks! > Ah! Look at all the zotted woodchucks! > > Zadoc the Priest sweeps up the ash in the temple > Where a supplicant was zotted > Lives in a closet > Waits at the altar > Wearing the robes that he keeps in a jar by the door > Who is it for? > > All the lonely priests > Where do they all come from? > All the lonely priests > Where do they all belong? > > Ah! Look at all the zotted woodchucks! > Ah! Look at all the zotted woodchucks! > > Father McKinzler > Writing the code of a diety everyone fears > No one comes near > Look at him working > Reading usenet in the night when there's nobody there > What does he care? > > All the lonely priests > Where do they all come from? > All the lonely priests > Where do they all belong? > > Ah! Look at all the zotted woodchucks! > Ah! Look at all the zotted woodchucks! > > Zadoc the priest > Was zotted in the temple and buried along with his name > Nobody came > Father McKinzler > Wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave > No one was saved. > > All the lonely priests > Where do they all come from? > All the lonely priests > Where do they all belong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Time for the Oracular Song Contest again, is it? } Oh, well... } } Good evening, Indiana. This is Olympus calling. Here are the votes of } the oracular jury: } } In love with a woodchuck: One point. } Zot me tender: Two points. } Zot around the clock: Three points. } Woodchuck boogie: Four points. } Living next door to Lisa: Five points. } Look at all the zotted woodchucks: Six points. } The Oracle had a little priest: Eight points. } Merry zotting: Ten points. } } And finally...... } } Rule Oracle: Twelve points! } } That were the votes of the oracular jury. Good bye from Olympus. --- 934-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > HEY 0RAKEL D00D YUR REELY K00L!!1!1!!!!111!!!!!!!!1!!!1!1! > NEWAY MY NAME IZ B1FF AND 1 WUZ WUNDERIN 1F U KUD TEL ME WER 2 F1ND SUM > K00L WAREZ!?!?1//!??!/!?!/1/!?!?!?!??!?! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Depends on what kind of warez you're looking for... try } ftp://tupperware.com or http://bobs-silverware.com. } } You owe me underwarez. --- 934-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr. Oracle, > > While I appreciate your offer dated 8/17/97 of a chance to receive a > copy of your new guidebook "101 uses for dryer lint" at the > introductory price of $12.99 with the set of Ginsu Noodle Shredders > included as my free gift, I am sorry to inform you that I am not the > least bit interested. Please remove my name from any/all marketing > lists you have, as I find dryer lint most disgusting and fee that > references to it constitute fashion harassment. > > Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter. > > Sincerely, > > Supli Cant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Mr. Cant, } } Thank you for your order of "101 Uses for Dryer Lint". Your credit card } has been debited for $12.99 plus $19.99 shipping and handling (the UPS } rates have gone *way* up recently). The book, along with the set of } Ginsu Noodle Shredders, will be shipped to you within 6 weeks. } } We also appreciate your standing order for future volumes in our "101" } series. Each costs only $19.99 (plus $29.99 shipping and handling) and } each comes with a free gift. These volumes will be shipped to you at } one-week intervals. And don't worry about the bills! Your credit card } will automatically be debited by our trained staff! } } The future volumes you can expect are: } } 101 Uses for a 55-Gallon Drum of Polyvinylacetate (with free tuxedo } tie) 101 Uses for an Old Cookie Sheet (with free tin snips) } 101 Uses for Windows 95 Installation Disks (with free shotgun) } 101 Uses for Cats (with free ballpeen hammer) } 101 Uses for Dogs (with free frisbees) } 101 Uses for Bill Gates (with free cattle prod) } 101 Uses for Bill Clinton (with free cattle prod) } 101 Ways to Annoy Queue Drainers (with free can of Draino (tm)) } 101 Ways to Get Back at Spammers (with free software virus disk) } 101 Ways to Get in the Oracular Digests (with free red Siamese fighting } fish) } } and 90 more titles in the series! } } Collect 'em all! And you will, because no cancellations will be } accepted. } } You owe the Oracle, oh, about $5,000.00. --- 934-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I went to the bathroom. I had to go poo. I hate it when people > walk in on me while I'm pooing. I went to the unfinished wing of > the building. > > Someone walked in. The janitor. Great. Clean. Clean clean. Clean. > I was in the last stall. The first stall opened. Clean clean. > The next stall opened. Clean, clean. My stall door was attempted > to be opened. It was locked. > > "Hello?" asked the Janitor. The *female* janitor. > "Uhm, somebody's in here," I intoned. > "eek!" cried the cleaning lady. > > And she ran out of the bathroom. I wsa like "great, I'm gonna > get busted for taking a poo in an area I'm not authorized to > be in. Won't this be great. I *still* havne't lived down > falling asleep in the john last year. blargh" > > I hurrily wipe and and exit the stall. And then I notice > the wallpaer. It's pink. And there's plants on the sink. > ANd they're aren't any urinals. Great, I'm in the women's > bathroom. Since it was in the opposite wing, it was on > the opposite side. I thought it was a universal thing > to put the little boy's room on the right? > > Anyhoo, I'm debating how to get out without getting spotted. > The cleaning lady is outside the door, talking anxiously to someone. > (security gaurd?) What do I do? > > humbly awaiting your reply, > hymie And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pitiful supplicant: } } For failure to even attempt to grovel before me, I will not bother to } give you the solution to your dilemma, which I myself was in the } unfortunate position of discovering one day when Lisa was, umm, } nevermind. } } Rather, the best options available to you would be one of the } following: } } - Wrap toilet paper around you in a trashy attempt at an evening gown, } and put on your best Klinger voice as you walk out, complaining about } the dearth of quality in the fashion world. } } - If there is a large supply of toliet paper, wet it down and mold it } to the openings in the stall, sealing yourself inside with your } oblivion. } } - Get creative with the poo itself, claim you're a performance artist. } } - Give in to your gender confusion. I think Zadoc can get you a deal } with a good surgeon. } } You owe the Oracle a year supply of White Cloud, and a rendition of } "The Time Warp" --- 934-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Grovel. Grovel. Grovel some more. > Long boring explanation. Obscure woodchuck reference. Risque Lisa > reference. Random Microsoft insult. Especially stupid question. > Insufficient thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Snarl. Snarl. Threat of ZOT because of woodchuck reference. Shouting } for Zadoc. Long, pointless discussion with Zadoc. 101 list. Demand for } some outrageous and impossible-to-obtain object. } } You owe the Oracle the promise to lay off e-mailing the Oracle for a } couple of days, or until you get your sense of humor back. --- 934-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most RAM-abundant Oracle whose chips have more MIPS and whose hard > disk is never scuzzy and never goes floppy... > > I've been working in the computer industry for 8.5 years now, and I'm > doing reasonably well, but my problem is that I'm just not cool enough > to be a guru, and not nerdy enough to be a geek. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your qualifications are a textbook case for MANAGEMENT. } } You owe the Oracle a raise. --- 934-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh all-knowing one, the twinkle of whose eyes outshine the very sun > itself: > > What is it that a "bread machine" does, that makes it worth $100 to > $150? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Simple. It makes lots of money for its manufacturer. } } You owe The Oracle two new bread pans and a cup of flour. --- 934-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, I find your eye sockets to be a wondrous amusement > park filled with neo-plastic pleasures and oncogenic delights. (Love > that surrealist complement generator!) What would it be like, if Van > Gogh had painted those melting watches, instead of Salvador Dali? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm not sure that *I* particularly like the surrealist complement } generator. Eye sockets? Oncogenic delights? At least it doesn't involve } spleens, like that guy in the U.P. is constantly talking about. } } Anyway, good question. Glad you asked. Since I'm feeling lazy, however, } I'm not going to answer it. Instead (surprise!) I'm going to get } someone else to answer it. } } [POOF!] } } [An elderly man in a tweed jacket with leather patches appears in a } puff of smoke.] } } ORACLE: I am the great Internet Oracle! You, William Westerforce, are } an art critic that I have summoned here to answer a simple queston. } } WESTERFORCE: I hope that "poof" business wasn't meant to imply... } } O: No, no, not at all. Now, the question at hand is, what it have been } like if Van Gogh had painted the melting watch paintings instead of } Salvador Dali? } } W: Hmm... Good question... } } O: [smirks] Thank you. } } W: Probably something like screaming melting watches with their ears } cut off. } } O: [peers closely] You haven't been sampling the surrealist complement } generator, have you? } } W: What on earth is that? } } O: Never mind. Thank you for your help. } } [POOF!] } } VOICE: And watch that "poof" stuff! } } And there you have it, supplicant. Screaming melting watches with their } ears cut off. The National Endowment for the Arts would probably have } scrambled like mad to fund it, too. } } You owe the Oracle Fragonard's "A Girl Reading". The original.