From oracle-request Mon Aug 18 00:10:33 1997 Received: (from daemon@localhost) by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.9) id AAA11194; Mon, 18 Aug 1997 00:10:33 -0500 (EST) Date: Mon, 18 Aug 1997 00:10:33 -0500 (EST) From: Internet Oracle Message-Id: <199708180510.AAA11194@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #932 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 932 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #932 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 18 Aug 1997 00:10:33 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 932 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 927 91 votes 4jzt4 4dBqb 25itB bkvn6 5hDn7 nBl73 9tsk5 cnwg8 fmjq9 8nss4 927 3.0 mean 3.1 3.3 4.0 2.9 3.1 2.2 2.8 2.8 2.9 3.0 --- 932-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, ever-expanding, Oracle, who can travel faster than the speed of > light, please answer this more-or-less humble supplicant's question: > > If the universe is infinite in size, does this mean that any point in > the universe is technically its center? If this is the case, does this > mean that I'm the center of the universe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes Supplicant, you have stumbled on a fundamental property. You are } the center of the Universe. Which explains why the Universe looks like } it is expanding, everything is repulsed by you, and is trying to get } away from you as fast as possible. --- 932-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Greatest Oracle, may you never find the floor to be sticky, please help > me with this problem. > > When I visit the cinema, I like to have some popcorn to munch. (I get > the child-size container, because the small one is nearly the size of > the large one, but that's a question for another day.) The popcorn is > especially tasty with a topping of imitation butter-flavored lipids > (usually just called "butter"). The trouble is, I never seem to get the > correct amount of butter. No matter how carefully I choose my words, I > get a different amount than I wish. Here are some examples from recent > weeks. > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > Me: I'd like a child-sized popcorn with more than a little > butter. > > (Result: I get a lot of butter.) > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > Me: Could I get a child-sized popcorn? > > Clerk: Would you like butter on that? > > Me: Yes, I'd like a little butter. Thanks. > > (Result: I get three drops of butter.) > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > Me: I'd also like a child-sized popcorn. And I need to get > more than a little butter, but not a lot. > > Clerk: Let me check with the manager. > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > Me: I'd like a child-sized popcorn with twelve milliliters of > butter, please. > > Clerk: Huh? > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > Me: Could I get a child-sized popcorn? And when you put > butter on it, imagine the most butter anyone has ever > wanted, and give me 60% of that. > > Clerk: You want butter up to _here_? (Pointing three-quarters > of the way up the side of the popcorn cup.) > > Me: No, just a little butter will be fine. > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > Me: I need just some butter on that. Not like a lot, > you understand, but just a few squirts. > > Clerk: No problem. > > (Result: Texaco wants drilling rights in the cup.) > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > Me: I'd like a child-sized popcorn with five squirts of > butter, please. > > Clerk: How much is a squirt? > > Me: You know, one press of the plunger on the butter > machine. > > Clerk: What's a plunger? > > Me: That knob on top of the butter machine. > > Clerk: That doesn't come off. > > Me: I don't want the plunger. I want you to push it > five times. > > Clerk: I have to charge extra for that much butter. > > Me: How much butter can I get without paying extra? > > Clerk: A lot. An awful lot. > > Me: Well, I don't want that much. Just five squirts. > > Clerk: I don't think we have that much butter. > > Me: Can I have it just a medium amount of butter, then? > > Clerk: Okay. > > (Result: I get seven squirts of butter. But the clerk forgot to > charge me for my drink, so that's a plus.) > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > Me: Could you fill the cup about one-third full, then > put half a squirt of butter into it? Then do the next > third the same way, then the top third. > > Clerk: I can't put butter onto only part of the cup. It gets > onto all the rest of the popcorn. I can sell you two > cups, though, and only put butter into one of them. > > Me: How about if you make two cups that are half full. > Put a lot of butter into one cup, and no butter in > the other. Then mix the two together into one cup > and give it to me. > > Clerk: I'll have to charge you extra for two cups. > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > Me: How about if I come back there and show you exactly > how much butter I want? > > Clerk: Sorry, sir, but it's dangerous back here. > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > Me: On a scale of one to ten, the amount of butter I > want is a six. > > Clerk: Gotcha. > > (Result: I get more butter than I've ever seen in my life.) > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > Me: Just this much butter. [Holding my thumb and forefinger > one centimeter apart.] > > (Result: At the bottom of the cup is a one-centimeter layer > of butter.) > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > Me: Is there some kind of scale I can use to specify how > much butter I want? You know, like the Beaufort scale > or the Richter scale? > > Clerk: I don't think so. > > Me: Dang. Well, just give me a light hailstorm of butter > with no crop damage. > > Clerk: Huh? > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > Me: I don't want to get too much butter, but I want > a lot. How about if I tell you when to stop? > > Clerk: Okay. Tell me when it's enough. [Fills a cup about > one-third full of popcorn, starts pumping butter.] > > Me: Stop! That's enough! > > Clerk: Don't you want more popcorn than that? > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > Me: Could I get just a medium amount of butter? > > Clerk: You mean, on some popcorn? > > Me: Yes. I want a child-sized cup, please. > > Clerk: We don't have butter. > > Me: You don't? > > Clerk: It's this artificially butter-flavored coconut oil. > > Me: That's what I want. > > Clerk: It's not good for you, you know. > > Me: Butter's not very good for you, either. > > Clerk: But we don't have butter. > > Me: Okay, I'll have just a little of whatever you call it, then. > > Clerk: But it's not really butter. > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > Me: Box of Junior Mints, please. > > Clerk: That'll be $3.75. Do you want butter? > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > > So, great Oracle, please help me! How can I get the right amount of > butter every time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The counter clerks are Pod People, raised in a secret greenhouse } at Knott's Berry Farm. Their average IQ is 83. This, supplicant, is } why they are not capable of getting it right. } Your only hope is to stay home, rent a video, and prepare your } own popcorn. Sorry 'bout that. You can't even bring in your own } popcorn--it'd get cold and congealed before you got to the theater. } There's nothing you can do about it; for other types of problems, } I'd try to help you out by selling you the Staff-O'-Zot Jr., for those } _small_ problems; but you'd still end up just disintegrating the clerk } and making your own popcorn. } Sorry 'bout that. } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Stop, or my Mom will Shoot" on } Betamax and some popcorn with a little butter. No, more than that. } Aargh, that's too much! --- 932-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how to find love on the internet And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [IMAGE] } Looking for love in all the wrong places? } Click here now for red hot strumpets. } (All major credit cards accepted via a secure connection.) } --------------------------------------------------- } } You searched for: +love } } There are approximately 5,918,666,972 matches to your request. } } Love is a mini splendid thing: My thoughts on love and why you should } believe them even though I haven't been laid since 1982.... } http://www.world_of_wankers.com/~pathetica } } Navratilova wins in straight sets: 6-2, 6-love, 6-4. In today's } thrilling if somewhat lopsided match, Czech tennis star Martina } navratilova handily def.... More tennis results|Links to other tennis } sites|Game, Set, and Ma.... } http://www.freeverse.frost.com/tennis/court/results } } Love and Death. International symposium on the interconnections } between romance and mortality in literature, music, psychology, and } STDs. Invited speakers include J. Capulet-Montague, University of Fair } Verona; Sigismond Lejoyeux, RJ Reynolds Institute of Cigar Studies; I. } Solde, Trinity College Dublin. In Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ont., Feb. 14, } 1992. http://www2.notl.overintellectualization.ca/liebestod } } All's Fair in Love and War. Startling new book reveals the dating } secrets of Niccolo Macchiavelli, Sun Tzu, Genghis Khan, Napoleon } Bonaparte, and other master tacticians and strategists. Plus: } Absolutely divine pickup lines revealed to Joan of Arc by the angels. } To order.... http://www.no_holds_bard_publishing_company/love&war } } I LUVE YUO DADY. Jessica, my 4-year-old daughter, just made me this } beautiful valentine. I knew you'd all want to see it, so I scanned it } in immediately. Isn't it just adorable? Links to photographs: Jessica's } first birthday|Jesssica's second birthday|jessica's third } birthday|Jessica's fourth birthday|Family Vacation - Lake Tahoe, } 1964|Fa... http://www.middleamericaonline.com/~cutestfamilyontheweb } } Ammo, amas, amat, amare. If you love to conjugate Latin verbs, this } site might interest you. If you love to conjugate other people who are } conjugating Latin verbs, in the damp chill of a medieval dungeon, clad } only in a torn and dirty hairshirt, while burly executioners stretch } you on the rack and poke you with quill pens, this is the site of your } DREAMS! Experience the pain and pleasure of mastering a dead language } under extreme physical stress.... } http://www.torturechamber.edu/amor/vincit/insomnia } } Click here for the next 20 links. --- 932-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There are three buttons on the wall in my cage. One is red, one is > green, and one is blue. The red one opens a slot in the wall and a > banana falls out of it. The green one gives me an electric shock. I'm > afraid to touch the blue one... could you tell me what it does? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It registers a "Yes" vote on Hard Copy's Viewer Confidence Poll. --- 932-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, whose something is really something great, please > tell me... > > I'm wanting to get in to domestic terrorism, and I heard that the > Internet is the best place to find all sorts of fringe groups. Can you > tell me which ones are the best? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Probably the best of all the fringe groups is alt.sewing.fringe. } In this group, you can learn how to make yourself a Daniel Boone } deerskin jacket, or a 70's era dancin' suit, with rhinestones and } flashing fringes, for the disco fool inside of us all! } } You owe the Oracle 19.95. But wait! There's more... --- 932-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Illustrious Oracle, the sublime of the magnificent: > Canst thou tell me the resolution if this quizzical conundrum? > Thy humble peasant asks this question of thee: > Good sir, Patrick Henry, that great orator, spake himself a speech on > March the 23rd, > in the Virginia House of Burgesses that ended with these patriotic > words: "Give me liberty, or give me death!" > But, alas, thy humble serf has not the entire copy of this great > speech. Wouldst thou provide thy servant with the remainder of this > articulation? I remain thy grateful and obedient retainer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, You certainly nailed 10 of ten for the Grovel, so I guess I could } tell you about that speech. You see, way back when, Pat and I were } pretty good friends. I was taking a break from being an Oracle for a } few years and made my money by selling woodchuck hides to the French. } One day Pat came up to me telling me about this problem with his } government; They were doing things like arresting people for little } things like stockpiling guns, tar and feathering governors, and } boarding ships at high seas. Any way so Pat comes up to me and go } "Oreie, what can I say to make people rally to kick these fat, } insensitive bastards out?" So I pull out a piece of paper and start } writing down all about how children were starving and just how far just } 70 shillings a day would go when he says "Can't we have some war in } this? Readers love violence?" } I said "What if I include a part about you challenge them?" } "OK, what would I say? Maybe 'I can take you all my self'?" } "No, it needs more of a ring to it..." } "I could sing it.."*Whack* } "Not that type of a ring, what about 'Give me liberty or give me } death'?" "That works... But about that death thing.." } "Don't worry, nobody expects a politician to keep his word." } "Good..." } } You owe the Oracle an original copy of the U.S. Constitution and a } CD-ROM of gopher://wiretap.spies.com. --- 932-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ***************Better Treatment For Woodchucks Notice***************** > > Attention Internet Oracle. We, the Better Treatment For Woodchucks > Organization (BTFWO), are tired of your woodchuck jokes. We, hereby, > officially demand, that you remove all woodchuck jokes, or any > references to woodchucks from your mailing list. If you do not, you > will be subject to the following: > 1. Woodchucks shall eat your home. > 2. Woodchucks will take over your mailing list. > 3. Your browser will permanently pointed to our website, > www.woodchuck.com. > 4. Woodchuck 95 will be installed on your computer. > Please, do not think this a joke. We are very serious about protecting > the moral health of our woodchucks. We hope you are too. > End Woodchuck notice > > "How Much Wood Could A Woodchuck Chuck, If A Woodchuck Could Chuck > Wood?" "As Much As It Wants." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Attention Samsung: } } Recently the Internet Oracle was spammed with the above legal notice } purporting to be from the Better Treatment for Woodchucks Organization } (BTFWO), accusing Oracle Industries, Inc. with Internet terrorism } against woodchucks. The notice continued by threatening legal and } other terrorist actions if Oracle Industries, Inc. fails to comply with } their demands. } } Upon examining the headers, we discovered that this spam had been } routed through your server to give it an appearance of legitimacy. } However, a quick search of InterNIC provided the true BTFWO domain, } which is not in any way associated with Samsung. } } The Oracle can only presume that the spammer who has been utilizing } your server in order to ferment retaliatory spam against both BTFWO and } Samsung. Please address this security hole immediately so as to } prevent this spammer from striking again. } } Regards, } } T. I. Oracle } President, Oracle Industries, Inc. } } P.S. You owe the Oracle as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck. --- 932-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > gzip -d woodchuck.tar.gz > tar -xf woodchuck.tar > cd woodchuck > xmkmf > make all > make install > man 1 woodchuck > /usr/bin/woodchuck And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > man 1 woodchuck } } WOODCHUCK(1) } } NAME } woodchuck - chuck wood } } SYNOPSIS } woodchuck [options] source [destination] } Options: } [-rlb] } } DESCRIPTION } This manual page documents the GNU version of woodchuck. GNU } woodchuck will chuck wood from the source directory to the } destination directory. If no destination is specified, the } wood is chucked into the user's current working directory. } } It is necessary to remove wood from an inode in order to } make full use of it (exceptions: hike, sparrow, lemur, etc), } however the presence of too much chucked wood in a directory } can render it equally unusable. Hence it is recommended that } woodchuck be used in tandem with sawmill(1), a GNU project } replacement for the standard UNIX(tm) burn(1). } } OPTIONS } -r, --resilient } Ignore standard requests to terminate. Will only } terminate on the use of ZOT -9. } -l, --lemur } Lemur compatibility mode. Will not attempt to chuck } wood already in use by the lemur program. } -b, --background } Continue running, after the invoking user logs out. } The same result can be achieved with the nohup } program. } -a, --all } Chuck wood from all directories available to the } user. Use in conjunction with -br with caution. } -R n } Specifies the rate at which wood will be chucked. } High values of n can increase system load markedly. } -h, --help } Prints usage information. } -v, --version } Prints version information. } } SEE ALSO } lemur(6), ZOT(1), sawmill(1), burn(1) } } AUTHOR } Joel Furr did most of the work in porting woodchuck from } the original Microsoft(tm) version. The Microsoft(tm) copy } is no longer distributed, however many of the key ideas } are incorporated in Microsoft Windows(tm). } } 17 August, 1997 } } > /usr/bin/woodchuck } } Syntax: woodchuck [options] source [destination] } } > /usr/bin/woodchuck /tmp } } Felling wood in /tmp . . . Done. } Chucking wood into /home/oracle . . . Done. } } > cd /tmp } > ls -al } } drwxrwxrwt 4 root root 1024 Aug 18 01:03 ./ } drwxr-xr-x 18 root root 1024 Aug 18 00:59 ../ } } > cd } > ls -al } } drwxrwxr-x 3 jrl jrl 1024 Aug 18 01:03 ./ } drwxr-xr-x 5 root root 1024 Aug 18 00:59 ../ } -rw-r--r-- 1 jrl jrl 124 Jun 29 00:14 .bashrc } -rw-r--r-- 1 jrl jrl 307 Jun 27 03:03 .profile } -rw-r--r-- 1 jrl jrl 4096 Aug 17 02:01 wood0001 } -rw-r--r-- 1 jrl jrl 4096 Aug 17 02:01 wood0002 } -rw-r--r-- 1 jrl jrl 4096 Aug 17 02:02 wood0003 } -rw-r--r-- 1 jrl jrl 4096 Aug 17 02:03 wood0004 } -rw-r--r-- 1 jrl jrl 4096 Aug 17 02:01 wood0005 } -rw-r--r-- 1 jrl jrl 4096 Aug 17 02:04 wood0006 } -rw-r--r-- 1 jrl jrl 4096 Aug 17 02:01 wood0007 } -rw-r--r-- 1 jrl jrl 4096 Aug 17 02:05 wood0008 } [truncated for sanity] } } There you go, supplicant. All your data neatly stacked in blocks of } 4kb. } } You owe the oracle woodchuck -arb run on your system as root. --- 932-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Groovellie-grovellie > Internet Oracle > Answer my question so > Carefully wrought. > > What is the quantity > Xyloballisticly > Launched by a marmot be- > Fore You go ZOT? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, Replicant } Questioned repeatedly. } Here is the answer } For which you have sought: } } Cleverly phrased, but with } Brazen audacity! } You and your woodchuck } will both get a "ZOT!" } } You owe the Oracle some lumber, marmot-laid. --- 932-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Dr. Noe" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh magnificent and wise oracle who is greater than Stonehenge, Elvis, > and processed cheese, more apt with words than Ed Gruberman, and > better-looking than contac paper, tell me... > > What is the IQ of my toaster? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a little-known corollary of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle } that an observer will slowly transfer intelligence to the object being } observed; in other words, the more a thing is watched, the smarter it } becomes. Einstein was on the brink of making this discovery just before } his death, but it slipped away from him: His chalkboard had became } smarter than he was, and cleverly changed the equations to lead him } away from the truth. } } This phenomenon explains many things in our everyday life, from } computers to women to college professors -- but, in general, those "in } the know" (if you'll pardon the pun) are in no hurry to tell anyone } else. Knowledge is power, after all. } } However, while your toaster has managed to leech a few points away from } you as you wait for the toast to pop up every morning, it hasn't } managed to achieve sentience or even get out of the single digit range. } I wouldn't worry about it, although you might want to just put the } bread in and then do something else, like dance naked in front of the } kitchen window -- that'll get other people staring at *you*, and put } your IQ right back up there. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of why TV programs are still dumb.