From oracle-request Thu Aug 7 09:14:13 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.77) id JAA06425; Thu, 7 Aug 1997 09:14:13 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 7 Aug 1997 09:14:13 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199708071414.JAA06425@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #927 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 927 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #927 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 7 Aug 1997 09:14:13 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 927 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 922 108 votes rsxh3 eDzg4 lxqhb rzng7 hbpyl kizmd bpqug 2atvA krsje keAlh 922 2.9 mean 2.5 2.6 2.7 2.5 3.3 2.9 3.1 3.8 2.8 3.0 --- 927-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich McGee" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Magister Artium Theologiae, > > Could God invent a religion so absurd that He couldn't believe it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, supplicant, God did not invent religion. He started out with } a few good ideas, which got all twisted up in was is probably the very } first example of the game "Telephone". } } He would say something like "Hey guys, how about some nice fresh lamb } for dinner?" to his prophets, who would say to the people "God wants } some fresh lamb" who would then interpret this as "God demands we } slaughter and burn our best animals in his honor", and then proceed to } make the whole country side smell like burned veal. } } Eventually, God got fed up with this sort of behavior and lost his } temper. Being God, this was very noticable to the people, who cowered } and groveled and made up all sorts of silly rituals and practices to } try and make God happy. They never really succeeded, of course, but } eventually God cooled down a bit and decided to take a nice long } vacation. The people decided that this was due to their current set of } rituals, so they wrote them all down and have been inflicting them on } the world ever since. } } Anyway, the basic idea is more or less "Try to be nice to each other". } Please don't repeat it to your friends, they will tell their friends, } etc, and eventually we might end up with an even wierder set of rules } than we currently have. } } You owe the oracle a philosophy of life of 50 words or less, carved in } granite in large, block letters, containing no words longer than 2 } syllables. --- 927-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty Oracle, please tell me: is it true that things are more > like they are now than they ever were before? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not quite. Things are now more like they would have been if they hadn't } been the way they were before they became like they are now. } } You owe the Oracle a Mobius Strip. --- 927-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise and wonderful, > > I am at a career crossroads; should I become an astronaut, a > fireman, or a sysadmin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is the kind of question that these "handy comparison charts" were } just made to answer: } } PURPOSE OF YOUR CAREER } Astronaut: Advancing scientific knowledge for the good of humanity. } Fireman: Saving lives and property. } Sysadmin: Assuring uninterrupted access to alt.binaries.erotica.sheep. } } ADVICE YOU'LL GIVE KIDS WHO WANT TO FOLLOW IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS } Astronaut: "Study science and math and eat your vegetables." } Fireman: "Study science and math and eat your vegetables." } Sysadmin: "DON'T DO IT! RUN AWAY!" } } QUESTION YOU'LL BE MOST TIRED OF ANSWERING } Astronaut: "Where do you go to the bathroom?" } Fireman: "Do you really slide down a pole when the alarm goes off?" } Sysadmin: "Can't you do anything about all this spam I've been } getting?" } } WILL YOU EVER BE ON TV? } Astronaut: Yes! } Fireman: Occasionally. } Sysadmin: Only MSNBC's "The Site," which doesn't technically count as } TV. } } WILL YOUR JOB EVER GET ANY EASIER? } Astronaut: As computers get more and more advanced and able to control } more of the functions of the space vehicle, yes. } Fireman: As more and more people install smoke detectors in their } homes, yes. } Sysadmin: As more and more clueless newbies discover the Internet, } absolutely not. } } INSPIRING MOVIE ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION } Astronaut: "The Right Stuff" } Fireman: "Backdraft" } Sysadmin: Uh...gee, I'm really drawing a blank here..."Wargames"? } } YOUR WORK HOURS } Astronaut: Fairly long days during the mission, but lots and lots of } time between missions to relax. } Fireman: 24-hour shifts, but 48 hours between shifts to relax. } Sysadmin: Not really "work hours" or even "work days"...more like } "work millenia." } } FRINGE BENEFITS OF YOUR JOB } Astronaut: Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the } opposite sex. } Fireman: Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the } opposite sex. } Sysadmin: You get ALL of the jokes in "Dilbert." } } NUMBER OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION } Astronaut: A few, from people who think the government should be } spending its money in different ways. } Fireman: A few, from people who think you take too long to arrive } following a 911 call. } Sysadmin: You'll have to learn what comes after "trillion" to be able } to count them all. } } YOUR VEHICLE } Astronaut: Multimillion-dollar space vehicle atop multimillion-dollar } rocket. } Fireman: Big red truck with flashing lights and siren. } Sysadmin: 1978 AMC Gremlin. } } In conclusion, if the sysadmin option has seemed the most appealing in } even one of these categories, you should become a sysadmin. } } Can't you do anything about all this spam I've been getting? --- 927-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Carboniferous Oracle, please answer my question: > > How can I do what I wanted to do if I had not intended to have done > what I had been planning when I was going to do what I hadn't wanted > after I didn't have to do what I wanted to do even if I hadn't realized > that I was going to do what I wasn't going to have been preparing to > do even though I wasn't even going to do when I had finished deciding > not to persue what I wanted to do when I finally attempted to do what > I was going to do? > > Thank you for your time. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay, everyone? Ready to begin the department meeting? } } We had a supplicant this week ask a difficult question. Let's diagram } it on the white board: } } >How can I do } > what I wanted to do } >if I had not intended } > to have done } > what I had been planning } > when I was going to do } > what I hadn't wanted [to do] } > after I didn't have to do } > what I wanted to do } > even if I hadn't realized } > I was going to do } > what I wasn't } > going to have been preparing to do } > even though I wasn't even going to do } > when I had finished deciding not to persue } > what I wanted to do } > when I finally attempted to do } >what I was going to do? } } Okay, people: bottom line, we need to research to implement a } department mission statement codifying the corprate goal of analyzing } paradigm shifts to achieve maximum profibility, marketability, } shareholderability, and woodchuckability. We might have to rightsize. } Zadoc, schedule a conference call with the Vice-Director of Temple } Engineering's administrative assistant's intern to get time on his } schedule for obtaining time on the administrative assistant's schedule } to obtain a phone call to the Vice to arrange for the all-hands meeting } pre-meeting where we'll celebrate our mission. } } You owe the Oracle a paradigm shift. --- 927-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most incredible, whose toejam I would eat if it was edible, > whose prowess is unforgetable, whose complexes are never Oedipal, > please tell me: > > Recently my friends have begun calling me "The Man." Even strangers > greet me with, "You The Man!" I'd like to know when the official > ceremony will be held in which I officially become The Man, who was The > Man before me, and what are my official duties as The Man? For that > matter, who is The Woman? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant it is time for you to know your density - sorry I mean } destiny. Others have seen it in you so your time must be near. "The } Man" is the male individual selected by the gods to introduce a new } genetic trait into the human gene pool. Previous "The Men" have } included Matt Groening (the merchandising gene), Michael Bolton (the } bland gene) and Stephen Jay Gould (the 'smart arse' gene). The special } trait you possess is the corduroy gene. Pervious attempts at } implementing this gene have failed (Noam Chomsky, Carl Sagan). You } must now procreate to ensure the spread of this gene - this is where } "The Woman" comes into it. } } You must seek out "The Woman". She has been pre-programmed to be } attracted to corduroy. You will find her in the 'records' section of } your local government department. She will be further recognisable by } the thick black rimmed glasses held together with a band-aid, long } socks and tartan skirt (Campbell). } } Meet this woman. Be fruitful. Multiply. } } Soon the world will be echoing with the sound of "vit vit" as thousands } of thighs encased in corduroy rub together. } } You owe the oracle a dissertation on the myth of stereotype. --- 927-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Rich McGee" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why can't time travel ever be possible? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It will be, but it takes time!! } } You owe the Oracle a TimeMachine!! --- 927-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle, whose spleen I am not worthy to polish, please > tell me... > > What exactly do you do with all the stuff that supplicants give you? > I mean, I can understand why you would want with a Madonna CD and a > 12-gauge shotgun (I hope they arrived by now), but what in the world > are you going to do with a nude photograph of Janet Reno? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Suppliant, } } Thank you for the materials received. We are getting close to } completing the Oracle's New Greenhouse/Toenail Clipper/Alarm Clock } version 4.02, and will have it finished once we find the lower jawbone } of a terrarium. Your assistance in this matter will be appreciated. } } Sincerely, } } Rube Goldberg Construction } } You owe the Oracle a reliable contractor. --- 927-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > How much beav could a beaver beav if a beaver could beav beav? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Customer - } } We consider Beaver performance data to be highly sensitive } information, because Beaver performance depends on the version of your } Beaver, and its beaving environment. We hesitate to release absolute } Beaver performance information to prevent comparison with other } devices, such as the Woodchuck. This type of comparison is tricky, } and can allow the customer to form inappropriate conclusions. } } For example, the hardware model of your Beaver greatly influences the } performance of your Beaver system. Previous models of the Beaver base } hardware were called "The Platypus", and while interesting from a } technology point of view, they were rather limited in their beaving } capabilities. If you find that you have one of these newer model } Beavers, it is suggested that you upgrade your hardware to the most } recent Beaver model. } } Do note that you can not simply change the bill and flipper } peripherals to the newer flat tail, feet and teeth as the software } needed to run the new devices will not run on the Platypus CPU. You } will need to upgrade to the complete Beaver package. } } We do find it disturbing that you apparently are having trouble with } your system beaving at all. If you could provide us with the version } of your Beaver, a description of its environment (man-mad lake, damned } river, etc) and your customer service contract number, we will be sure } to have Technical Support contact you as soon as possible. } } We value our Customers, } } Oracle Beaver Services. --- 927-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Fee fie foe foo! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I smell the blood of a supplicant who: } } Neglected to grovel } And asked a poor question } So I'll issue something } To block their die-gestion. } } == ZOT == } } How many times must you be told. --- 927-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: noe@platsol.com (Dr. Noe) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does the sky always fall on Chicken Little's head in the tales? I > mean, wouldn't it be more effective if it landed on one of the Other > farm animal heads? Keep in mind, I haven't finished the story yet, so > please don't tell me how they keep the sky from falling. Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The attraction between small chickens and falling skies is well } documented. In. Sanders and Slye's landmark study (Sanders,Col. H. and } Slye, L. "Twelve Piece Bucket, Lg. Coleslaw". KFC Press,1958) it was } found that actual impacts increase with the chicken's ability to } speak. It is interesting to note that of all other animals interviewed, } none could relate any instances of celestio-cranial contact. There is, } however, a case (Goose, M. et. al. "The Three Little Pigs". Little } Golden Books,1929) in which pigs reported two examples of houses nearly } falling on them.