From oracle-request Sun Jun 29 12:58:19 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.77) id MAA14778; Sun, 29 Jun 1997 12:58:19 -0500 (EST) Date: Sun, 29 Jun 1997 12:58:19 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199706291758.MAA14778@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #916 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 916 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #916 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 29 Jun 1997 12:58:19 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 916 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 911 105 votes 9njDf euAi7 2iDth 1ezGd 5cCuk egyni 9hyyb 9lAli 6nxy9 ckuoj 911 3.2 mean 3.3 2.8 3.4 3.5 3.5 3.1 3.2 3.2 3.2 3.2 --- 916-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Unflutterable Oracle, who would not be afraid of the Apocalypse > even it did fall on a Monday morning, I have recently taken > on an internship in the offices of Gabriel, Archangel, Esq. > One of my responsibilities is organizing his daily planner, and > I noticed that marked on January 1, 2000, he has an appointment > for something called "The Great Calamity." I was wondering if > you might tell me what, exactly, the "Great Calamity" is, and > if it's unpleasant, where I might go to avoid being a part of it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The late Martha Jane Canary, aka Calamity, is putting on a show } that day at the Pearly Gates Shooting Range. No doubt Gabe is } referring to that. Her specialty now-a-days is shooting pins } off the heads of dancing angels, it is really something to see. } } You owe the Oracle a 10k bug swatter. --- 916-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and profound Oracle, who never abuses his position, > > As a resident of a country that is not a part of the United States > of America (yes, there are some) I am often confused by > references to their curious political shenanigans. > > In order for me to better appreciate the humour of Oracularities > that involve American politics and politicians, can you tell me: > > Who is Newt Gingrich? > Who is Rush Limbaugh? > Who is Senator Packwood? > Who is Janet Reno? > > I think I've figured out the others, but these four are still a > mystery. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Newt Gingrich: The love child of Joan Crawford and Douglas MacArthur, } he has risen quickly in power in the US House of Representatives. An } Aries, he simply oozes charm wherever he goes. During the House's } hiatus he often appears as "Clint Buckingham", the carefree bachelor } and heir to the WD-40 lubricant empire on "The Young and the Restless". } } Rush Limbaugh: A widely-popular comedian, he can stretch } ultra-conservative ideas to the limit and then say them with a nearly } straight face. His claims that nicotine is not addictive, and that } there are more acres of forest land in the US now than two hundred } years ago, are considered to be classics. (My personal favorite is when } he said that the New York Times hadn't covered the Whitewater story. } That wacky Rush!) } } Senator Packwood: Once the powerful and influential and influential } chairman of the Senate's Ways and Means Committee, he was forced to } resign in disgrace after evidence was produced showing that he had once } asked the Oracle the question, "How much wood would a Packwood } pack...." } } Janet Reno: A technical term for a species of mold discovered in the } condiments rack at the White House Commissary, now thought to be nearly } extinct except for some laboratory specimens which are used in } endocrine research. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of Tony Blair. --- 916-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello, sir. > > Could you spare a few minutes for our survey? > > -- > Erin M. Umma (emu@univ.edu) | For Geek Code, PGP public key, and other > | info, finger emu@univ.edu. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why certainly. Let's see... "other info" -- That must be where the } survey is. } } % finger emu@univ.edu } } [Oracle stares at results] } } Ah yes... here it is (cleverly disguised as a PGP key): } } mQCNAi4v3+UAAAEEAMhcIDoI0TCMB7pDycIOCXGfl+K5CWXt5YkAlQMFEDJ66ay3 } KAX5tRAZgRdbw51IXNzwxkWfUJUuuLRvnzXCRa7ybuqsN2Fk4FJbDXOoqlyrAbCx } ZNpiPBuA3vI0+iOYhN5Lw7cA4n4QburNt+uieHj6Xc6zDPcoeLeirnNFYBihAAUR } tBtBYXJvbiBNLiBVY2tvIDxhbXVAbWl0LmVkdT6JAJUDBRAye5MQFk0gijEAzQkB } AZ27A/wN4sCancz3s8bcJdZ/WMHluxtiqyA8OmXeNWtMCgMPwfPiObzJIO5ADsqz } WWnihEUAERjTOYO/v0L6ac4njflecZ3jA0wbmVYL6ANl1nDL3mhfnJki2jYOQ1gB } M6aHL+laP/M6Clya4raHLpNaFAt1+d2olgM3JG1C4q6vB2ypp5ARRR5rFpwbHtCI } oq5zRWAYoQEBEV4EAL4wmh77zqdQWmMF8noMDNl7AeZjk2XNHXJ1SbWxoQLuqarR } PwXx4Zwks3m8NMfxLvtaMGSRJNYcj5CnKNurogVzvhYDqu1B3M+nbrJD4AoyZacj } 7NWsI2HsYLF0MBFkPesFX9wmdHUGTR3fjPkg7XG1/Ma59qrZPlb72OMPMCr6tCdB } YXJvbiBNLiBVY2tvIDx1Y2tvQHZheDEucm9ja2h1cnN0LmVkdT6JAJUDBRAye9rP } t6Kuc0VgGKEBAdGaA/4wuSYWbF2Z6uQQhBttvp70N7zN7du5YFnvJeB+TgEUwNTM } ig8KhUzqquitvXmR/DIxkYZRdR/Pscvh+EyOSZCcBeN2E3+HuLT5J3p1dYvV5Q6C } V+2Emm3jUofDbUys6JoQgBOLW9u4Vui5U8utK0IS8VmtnHB93h95QBRK01C8jA== } =cJYy } } Let's start with the first column } } > mKZtAWMoP7YtiV= } } Now, supplicant, how long has it been since TI made a decent processor? } So, P7 definitely. (Although, I assume you know that isn't it's actual } name.) } } > QANBZW6qwNX6g+c } } Can busy work for 6 quarters with no customers bring in 6 billion plus } commissions? Um... no. (Not unless the entity involved is omnipotent, } of course.) } } > CXpt2na5XWJK82J } } 82 Jaguar... sure, but what's wrong with pointing to it? So, yes, i } suppose. } } > N5iB7iHzxsvuKEY } } Not sure about this one... I'll come back to it. } } > AtPYAhLR4Ibchmy } } Oh, I see, that last one was an encryption key for this one... OK, } let's see... } } % perl -e 'print crypt("AtPYAhLR4Ibchmy", "N5iB7iHzxsv");' } N5ee5a2DaRMww } } Much better... but I see it's out of order... } } N255MRww2Daee } } Yes, I'd say you need at least that much for any animated engineering } simulation, regardless of discipline, but for more than 2 dimensions, } you're going to need just a little bit more. } } > iRBX/E+WZ2i0Um } } Yes, if a human working with two other individuals, then they should } certainly be able to move a roadblock acrross the street? } } What are these questions related to anyway? They seem a little random. } } > 4AuJwUlAwHBVz3 } } Oh, they're for a small journal article about statistical mapping onto } 3 dimensional complex space. Oh, I see.. makes perfect sense now } } > vZAvNAaYksNgqj } } Yes, I know your survey is ruined because I know its purpose, but you } don't have to get so upset. } } > 3g3b4EPosYLGqU } } What!!! Don't even think about pointing those triple-barrel shotguns at } me. Where did you get them from, anyway? And I really am not in the } mood to ignore that last comment. *ZOT* } } > +RvisR/Q3LiKuo } } Certainly, it think revising your survey would be a good idea. So my } answer is "yes". } } Your semi-motile remains the oracle the results of the new survey. --- 916-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > US-ND-ORACLE DBA WANTED > > In a bind. Need Oracle DBA yesterday. 1-2 years experience > Will Relocate. Will pay up to 60K plus benefits. Call today. > > Cachet Consulting Corporation > Grand Forks, ND And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Where do you think this is? Delphi? } } You owe the Oracle 60k a day, at exponential growth. --- 916-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A HANDbag??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, Mrs. Alligator, I'm afraid your husband's been seeing her for } some time now. } } You owe the Oracle one of those really cool boats with the big } propeller in the back. --- 916-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: Chief Priest Kinzler > From: Exploited Priest Dr. Noe > Subject: Resignation > > Steve, > > I wish to tender my resignation from the service of the Oracle > effective one month from this date. Rather than delve into a lengthy > explanation of my reasons, I think the following will suffice: > > There was an old Priest from Nantucket > Who cried, "Take this job, you can suck it! > These queries are too terse, > The answers are much worse, > If could I, then would I, woodchuck it." > > Please forward this to the boss and inform me when he has accepted it. > > Dr. Noe And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle's own Dr. Noe } Was feeling his sanity go. } He started writing in verse } So we called in a nurse } And we had him committed, you know? } } You can't quit that easily, doc. You owe the Oracle a straitjacket. --- 916-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do Fish, Marillion & The Cure not get decent airplay on big radio > stations ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because they forgot to grovel to the Oracle when they asked me how they } could get to be famous bands. It's just not worth giving the best } answers without getting a little respect. } } You owe the oracle a copy of a certain song by Aretha Franklin. --- 916-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help! I seem to be stuck in a rut! > Help! I seem to be stuck in a rut! > Help! I seem to be stuck in a rut! > Help! I seem to be stuck in a rut! > Help! I seem to be stuck in a rut! > Help! I seem to be... oops! See what I mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are not the only one! } You are not the only one! } You are not the only one! } You are not the only one! } You are not the only one! } You are not the only one! } ^C } You owe the Oracle a large stick. --- 916-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most computationally feasible, > Am I caught up in a web that you are weaving? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Message from the CS042 TAs: } } Thank you for submitting your answers to today's pop quiz in Computer } Science course 042, "Internet Buzzword and Technobabble Obfuscation"! } Today's assignment was: } } Give a sample query to the Internet Oracle, indirectly asking him if he } dislikes you or not. Use buzzwords where possible, and use the } oracularity hints we discussed in class. } } TA Grading form: } } Part 1: Grovel (10 pts) } > Oracle most computationally feasible, } } Did the student grovel? Y If yes... } How many lines was the grovel? 1 } How many words? 4 } Did student insult self? N } in a vile and disgusting way? N } Did student flatter Oracle? Y } How many times? 1 } with computer language? Y } about Oracle's reproductive prowess? N } with a word longer than 20 letters? N } with language suitable for a powerful entity? N } Was 'Oracle' preceded by the following: } wondrous? N } Oh? N } great? N } nifty? N } powerful? N } other: } Did the grovel have a pun tie-in to the question? N } } Score and comments } } 6 - please try harder. You did much better on the 'Usenet Trolling' } assignment, it's unfortunate you didn't use that creativity here. You } could be a really good supplicant if you had more effort here. } } Part 2: The question (10 pts) } > Am I caught up in a web that you are weaving? } } Was a question asked? Y } If no, was it a clever twist? } Was the question: } one of the forbidden questions? N } a parody of a forbidden question? N } along the lines of the question that was assigned? Y } indirectly? Y - good, clever twist on the assignment } Were buzzwords used? Y } correctly? N - webs are spun, not woven -2 } too much? N } any lame coffee puns? N } any web/spider references? Y - excellent job } Is the question answerable? Y } in a humorous way? Y } flexibly? Y } such that the assigned question may be answered? Y } Did the question include Oracular inside jokes? N Check all that apply: } Lisa } Zadoc } woodchucks } lemurs } Joel Furr } Darkmage } Perth } anti-oracle entity (woodchuck oracle, etc) } AOL humour, B1FF, Marina Sirtis } Was question poetry? N } } Score and comments: } } 8 - not bad, but a little disappointing. I think you're capable of } better. } } Miscellaneous / extra credit } Penalty of -2 if accidently sent to the real Internet Oracle: Y -2 } -10 if Teaching Assistant gets zotted for your error: N } Bonus +5 if it makes it to the Oracularities: Y +5 way to go! } } Final score and comments } } 14 -2 +5 = ** 17 ** } Pretty good, but try harder next time, you can do better! - your TA --- 916-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most soleful, > How can I walk a mile in your shoes when you're wearing them all the > time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Is that you, Imelda? } } You owe the Oracle a date, now that Ferdinand is dead. Just don't tell } Lisa.