From oracle-request Thu Jun 12 00:10:34 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.77) id AAA28660; Thu, 12 Jun 1997 00:10:34 -0500 (EST) Date: Thu, 12 Jun 1997 00:10:34 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199706120510.AAA28660@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #911 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 911 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #911 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 12 Jun 1997 00:10:34 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 911 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 906 106 votes 9jwzb 4eADd 5lAue axsob LBf70 2jnBp 4xDka azCh6 ckysc 4ovkr 906 3.0 mean 3.2 3.4 3.3 2.9 1.8 3.6 3.0 2.8 3.1 3.4 --- 911-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do some people talk so much? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [shrug] --- 911-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In the gloaming, Oracle my darling, when the lights are soft and low > Will you think of me and love me, as you did once long ago? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Having second thoughts about Zadoc, are we? --- 911-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most topologically correct Oracle, > > where can I find a ship in a Klein bottle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } COMING SOON TO A LOCATION NEAR YOU } } U. Clid's Toy and Hobby Shop } Serving the mathematical community's entertainment needs } } Here you will find: } -The world's largest collection of tangrams } -A fine selection of compasses, rulers, and graph paper (custom grid } sizes available!!) for all your holiday craft projects } -The exclusive distributor for } Calculate-my-surface-area Elmo: ages 3-5 } Ship in a Klein Bottle: friends will spend so much time trying to } find the inside of the bottle, they'll never figure out how a } ship got there! } Mighty Morphin' Mobius } Gpagotchi: The Virtual MIT Applicant Keychain: Answer the included } SAT Math questions wrong, watch him hyperventilate! } -And Much, Much More! } } Mention this ad for a discount on your first purchase!* } } *discounts will be in the range of 5-20% based on a curve according to } the total of your purchase compared to the totals of other customers } purchases in the preceding 24 hour period. --- 911-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle whithout whom Chemistry itself would be impossible, > I've got a tightly sealed bottle containing a super-saturated solution > of carbonic acid in front of me. I'm thirsty. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Plain carbonic acid? Yuk! Let's see if we can flavor this up a little. } } Start by gently twisting the cap counterclockwise. Observe the } reaction as the carbonic acid (CA) comes out of solution as carbon } dioxide (CO2) in the form of fizzy bubbles (or "effervescence", } as we chemists call it.) } } Sip, and you'll discover that the carbonic acid tastes remarkably } like...carbonic acid. Find yourself some purified sucrose, C6H12O6, } and mix until saturated. Try it now, and you'll find it tastes like... } sweetened carbonic acid. Let's try harder. } } What have we got hanging around the lab? A little kola nut, a little } cinnamon oil, some of that unlabeled bottle over there... ahhhhh. } Cool, refreshing. I think I'd like to buy the world one. } } What shall I call my CO2/CA - kola nut solution? } } You owe the Oracle a Sprite. --- 911-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ole wise and wonderful oracle. Please give me the answer to > my question! It important to me to know the possibility of the > continuance of the orbiting of the nine planets. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft } Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the Solar } System. } } "It was a natural outgrowth of our corporate policy," commented John } Smackwine, Microsoft Director of Misinformation. "We were sitting } around, having a few beers, wondering what we should buy next. } Someone joked, 'Everything!'" } } Smackwine continued, "We all laughed, but then we saw Bill's face, } and we knew we'd be on the phone the next morning." } } A senior official at NASA praised the move, stating, "This could } well improve the financial situation with regard to exploration } and exploitation of space resources. We welcome the private sector } into space." Others, however, are worried about the possibility of } exorbitant fees simply to observe the other planets. } } Initially, there are no plans to change the current operation of } the Solar System, although it is rumoured that projects are in the } pipeline to reduce the duplication and inefficiency so abhorrent to } modern corporate structures. "Although I can neither confirm or deny } any of these rumours," said Smackwine, "it is true that Microsoft } intends to drag the Solar System, kicking and screaming, into the } current Galactic Year." } } Suggested improvements include a reduction in the number of gas giants, } and a correction to the orbit of Pluto to ensure that the outermost } planet does not wander inside the orbit of Neptune. } } "That's always irritated Bill," commented one insider. "If it _is_ } the outermost planet, it should stay there." } } These rumours have alarmed astrologers, who claim that any reduction in } the number of planets could have a serious impact on their profession. } Legal advice is being taken to see whether a class action suit would } be advisable in the event of any major changes being implemented. } } No one at the Flat Earth Society was available for comment. } } You owe the Oracle an automatic "Microsoft Acquires" answer generator. --- 911-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you for choosing DorkCo(TM)'s Keyboard For Idiots (TM). With its } single drool-proof ABS plastic Return key (helpfully labelled "UG!") } and accompanying MicroCeph Email For Dolts (TM), this latest revision } of the best-selling DumbBoard (TM) allows you to automatically send } null queries to Congressmen, Bill Gates and the Usenet Oracle ALL AT } ONCE, giving you the chance to ACTUALLY USE the REAL LIVE INTERNET, } just like the regular people. } } Tell your parent or State-appointed guardian to look out for DorkCo's } newest products, InstaSpam (TM), MagiFlame (TM) and IRC Glossolalia } (TM)! --- 911-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: noe@platsol.com (Dr. Noe) The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the best place on the internet to find math activities for > Algebra I and higher math for high school students? > Jane > . And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, MAN. I KNEW this was going to happen. I HATE word problems. } They're, like, CONFUSING, and there's always, like, a TRICK to them. } I NEVER get them right, no matter how carefully I read them. Let me } analyze this carefully... } } > What's the best place on the internet to find math activities for } > Algebra I and higher math for high school students? } } Hmmm, nothing unusual there...unless...wait a minute..."internet?" } Shouldn't that be capitalized? That may be a clue. Okay, let me read } a bit more... } } > Jane } } Uh huh. Looks like a perfectly legit signature. There's just one more } line... } } > . } } What the...? A lone decimal point? This is definitely the trick } part. Shouldn't there be numbers before or after it? There's gotta } be more to this than meets the eye. Darn, I KNEW I should have paid } attention to Zeus in Omniscience 101. Oh, drat. My time must be } running out; maybe I should just guess. Yeah, that's probably-- } } TIME! PLEASE STOP TYPING AND SEND YOUR REPLY. } } DARN! Just when I was about to get it! } } You owe the Oracle a trick answer. --- 911-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, when will those ****ing CyberPromo internet > telemarketers get the message that I do NOT want to receive their > ****ing advertisements? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } AMAZING NEW OFFER! } } For a limited time only, we will POST your credit card number to } every USENET newsgroup, for just $19.95!!!!1!! Order Now } } Send a Check or Money order, along with your CREDIT CARD } NUMBER, to } } D&P Promotions } P.O. Box 42 } Dogpatch, IA 51241 } -- } To be removed, send an email message to remove@cyberpromo.com and we'll } laugh ourselves silly at your naivete. } } ^C } } Apparently, not yet. } } You owe the Oracle A WAY TO F***ING ELECTROCUTE PEOPLE VIA THE } INTERNET... *ahem* Sorry. --- 911-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle whose wisdom never falters and advice is unerringly perfect > in every respect, please answer this most difficult question. > > Why are baby sitters called baby sitters when they don't sit on babies? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It actually dates back to the Middle Ages, when they actually _did_ } sit on the children in their care. At the time, this was considered } a "sovrain remedie" for the ills of childhood. Tragically, children } raised in this fashion often suffered from oxygen starvation to } the brain, and when they grew up the only jobs open to them were as } writers and chroniclers. This is why Olde Englishe is spelt so badly. } } Coincidentally, the Quayles had a very traditional approach to the } raising of J. Danforth. } } You owe the Oracle documentary evidence of this method so that I can } use it on Lisa's annoying nephew. --- 911-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's been well over a week since the last Oracularities Digest came > out... it seems to be slowing down a bit. You must be getting an awful > lot of utter dreck from the clue-disadvantaged Incarnations, eh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pot, Kettle, Black