From oracle-request Wed Apr 23 11:06:25 1997 Received: by sunos.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.5/IUCS.1.75) id LAA03744; Wed, 23 Apr 1997 11:06:25 -0500 (EST) Date: Wed, 23 Apr 1997 11:06:25 -0500 (EST) From: "Internet Oracle" Message-Id: <199704231606.LAA03744@sunos.cs.indiana.edu> X-Authentication-Warning: sunos.cs.indiana.edu: daemon set sender to oracle-request using -f To: oracle-list Subject: Internet Oracularities #900 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: )/f9dPAX/dU$1Z!U(/?A PiIJvIOtcN@L.>6,2OKd."T#S7b*{feRf.Kns23^P9.Ak{GdWWv]0*1E}RJ)_idU:(5VkN*_+bB kyrnLfC12B>V/q=z32:05`EcAd.!z#3k]h)O!ZU^E"f`@),(2WT X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 900 ================================================================== Title: Internet Oracularities #900 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 23 Apr 1997 11:06:25 -0500 (EST) To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 900 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 895 123 votes iDGi6 fnsAl 9kvKh drzBb 6jyHl 6atAG bqtCj eBwnh kJxg9 7gAyu 895 3.2 mean 2.6 3.2 3.3 3.0 3.4 3.8 3.2 2.9 2.6 3.5 --- 900-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > T=94m=94 on useassa osassa l=94hetett=94v=94 MIME-muodossa oleva > viesti. > > ------=3D_NextPart_000_01BC4746.875F8C00 > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=3DISO-8859-1 > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > > how many kilometers is from kokkola to helsinki > ------=3D_NextPart_000_01BC4746.875F8C00 > Content-Type: text/html; charset=3DISO-8859-1 > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > >

color=3D3D"#0000FF" face=3D3D"Arial">how many kilometers is from > kokkola to helsinki

> > ------=3D_NextPart_000_01BC4746.875F8C00-- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } how many kilometers is from Kokkola to Helsinki } } From Kokkola to Helsinki is a very bumpy ride, When you travel in } a stagecoach, and you're bundled up inside. First the cold gets to } your tootsies, and your ankles turn dark black 'Cause the blood that } once went round there is a-never coming back Then your fingers lose } their feeling, and the nails get thick and yellow, And you only get } to 'sinki if you are a lucky fellow. As the food runs out or freezes, } you forgot to bring the matches, So you start to watch the eggs in hope } that one of them soon hatches. The water bottle's empty, cause the } lid began to leak, It's been losing drips of water since the middle } of last week. And you're not sure why you're going, or what you're } going to do Since you left the sweet safe haven of ammattikorkeakoulu } (Which, for the poor priest reading, to relieve your laryngitis Is } the Finnish word they use for Polytechnic, to confuse us) But since } you died of frostbite, I think I've had my fun, The distance from } Kokkola to Helsinki - 491. } } You owe the Oracle a text-based newsreader, a proper email program, } and a bookmark for http://home.magic.fi/demo/matkat.lpc --- 900-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most capricious, > > How many boards could a Mongol Horde hoard if a Mongol Horde got bored? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Horse trampled my yurt, } But I did not chuck the wood; } It will make fine shelves. } } (attributed to Zippy, Genghis's younger brother, ca 1190) } } You owe the Oracle a sestina about scissors. --- 900-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Voiceover: You braved a twister. > > [two-second clip from the movie of that name] > > Voiceover: You endured volcanoes. > > [two-second clip of a volcano exploding] > > Voiceover: You even survived a direct asteroid hit. > > [two-second clip from the NBC movie Asteroid] > > Voiceover: Now, get ready for the biggest one of them all. > > [shot of the kitchen in a small Midwestern house at dinnertime, with the > window visible in the shot. People looking slightly anxious about > something. Suddenly lightning flashes and thunder cracks. Rain begins > drizzling, then quickly builds into a deluge. Screams from members of > the household, with the occasional "Get into the basement!" and "What > about Grandma?"] > > Voiceover: The disaster to end all disasters. > > [More mayhem in the small house. Cut to outside of the house, rain > pouring down, thunder and lightning crashing.] > > Voiceover: Barricade the windows. Lock and triple-bar the doors. Hide > if you dare. > > [Gradually fade to black amidst screams.] > > Voiceover (during fade): An NBC original event. World Premiere coming > May 24th. You'll never be ready for... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Windows 97. --- 900-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how to destroy linux operating system? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lysol (tm) should do the trick. } } No, not on the monitor, silly! Linux infests your hard drive. You } need to take the drive apart (I recommend disconnecting the power } first), spray the surfaces liberally with Lysol, and put it back } together again. Don't worry about those leftover screws - they weren't } very important to begin with. And voila! No more Linux. } } You owe the Oracle a can of Raid. He still has a few bugs in his } programs. --- 900-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is my SMTP server up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, you're just glad to see me. --- 900-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark Lawrence The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ORRIE! Ya gotta help me, man! They're outside, scratching at the > walls! OH NO, they're in! Millions of 'em! GIANT PURPLE WOODCHUCKS! > Keep away from me, you FIENDS! No! NOT THE EYES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA > -------------- > > Dear Mr Oracle, > > The patient, Mr X, is now resting under heavy sedation. This is > the eighth case of incarnation psychosis syndrome admitted to this > clinic. It appears that the strain of having to give clever, witty > responses to moronic questions on your behalf, and then not having > those responses published in the digests, is too much for most > people to bear for prolonged periods of time. Mr X performed as an > incarnation for two and a half years before degenerating into the > mental wreck he is today. > > We are asking you to voluntariy curb your activities and so avoid > the danger of an epidemic. Otherwise we will be forced to contact > the Department of Health. We hope it will not come to this. > > Your sincerely > Ignatius Woojub > Clinical Psychologist And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } PROSECUTOR: Good day, O Mighty Oracle! The crown will plainly show } The prisoner who now stands before you } Was caught red-handed showing humor; } Showing humor of a most ... creative nature } This will not do! } } Call the defendant's sysadmin! } } SYSADMIN: ! @l\/\/ayz $@!d hE'D c0mE t0 N() Go0d !|\| tHE e!\!d yur } h0NoR !f th@id lEt !\/|e h@vE mY \/\/@y ! c0uldve $p@m|\/!ed h!|\/| } !nt0 $h@pe bUtt |\/|y h@ndz \/\/err t!ed } tHE 0r@Cul@R pReE$tho0d \/\/eNT @nd d!gesTEd h!z hum0uR } lET mE m@ilb0mb h!m t0d@y } } Crazy ... } Dust in my hard drive, I am } Crazy ... } Not surge protected } They must have taken my P-RAM away! } } Call the defendant's girlfriend! } } You net.addict, you're in it now, } I hope they uphold CDA } You should've talked to me more often than you did, but NO! } You had your Incarnations } Have you gotten any digests lately? } Just five minutes, mighty Oracle, } Him and me alone! } } Call the defendant's mother! } } Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaby } alt.cute.pictures.baby, alt.sex.hold.you.in.my.arms } sci.psych.mother.never.wanted.you, } rec.fan.rodman.trouble.spank.spank.spank talk.why.ever.leave, } rec.fan.movies.coming.home } } Crazy ... } AOL user, I am } Crazy ... } Canter & Siegel } There must've been an off switch on this box when I logged in! } } The omnipotent Oracle is without the slightest doubt } There's no need to consult my boundless mind } In all my years eternal I have never seen before } Someone more deserving of a dump throughout their core } The way you incarnated with replies so lowly rated } Fills me with an urge to vaporize! } } Since, my friend, you have revealed your deepest pain } I sentence you to be entombed below its grain } Chuck down the wood! } Chuck down the wood! } Chuck down the wood! } } } SUPPLICANT: Press any key to continue ... press any key to continue } } SUPPLICANT'S SYSADMIN : He's coming } around! } } SUPPLICANT: Oh, what a horrible dream. } } SUPPLICANT'S GIRLFRIEND: Now, now. We often dream silly things. } } SUPPLICANT'S MOTHER: Yes, lie quietly now. } } SUPPLICANT: But it was so real! And you, and you ... and you were in it } too! But it wasn't real, was it? } } SUPPLICANT'S SYSADMIN: n0 W@y, d00D! } } SUPPLICANT: What? } } SUPPLICANT'S SYSADMIN: I mean, no, of course not. } } You owe the Oracle a sequel. --- 900-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and obscure one, please tell me ...... > > As the century draws to a close there appears to be an undercurrent of > paranoia within society as a whole. I realise that time is an abstract > concept and that from your deified perspective the last few million > years of human evolution is a mere trip to the toilet (quite > literally), however I am dragged along with the mob. I too feel this > disquieting sense of dread. Great one, what is going to happen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm, this one again. Well, if I must. } } The Earth will continue to revolve around the Sun. The Sun will } continue to orbit the center of the Galaxy, although a certain } ir-regularity in it's speed of orbit will cause it to leave the spiral } arm in which it is currently ensconced in a few tens of millions of } years (it's moving a bit slower than the rest of the arm, due to the } oddities of it's original creation). } } In 4 billion years or so, the Sun will go Red Giant, expanding to } fill the current orbit of the Earth, burning your lovely little ball of } dust into a crisp. Relax, though, your descendants will be cheerily } sunning what remains of their corporeal selves on a planet several } light years from there and will probably throw a party timed to } coincide with the arrival of the burst of light that will be the } Earth's last whimper. } } You owe the Oracle a space-time continuum in which country songs } will only play backward. --- 900-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So, O Oracle of the nearly 999 Digests, what will be the resolution of > the Digest 1000 problem? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have apparently heard the rumors that the Oracle's code was } written in LOGO and stored Digest Numbers as three digits, and that no } one worried about this at the time because everyone knew it would all } be fixed before anyone had to worry about Digest 1000, and now Indiana } University is scrambling around looking for CS majors who studied LOGO } in kindergarten, and chain e-mail letters are circulating warning } supplicants not to ask questions near the time of the changeover, or } even to use an ATM machine or fly on a plane, because computers all } over the world will commit hara-kiri in sympathy when the almighty } Oracle crashes. Some particularly clueless persons think that the fact } that Digest 1000 is a leap digest will contribute to this. } The Oracle is happy to tell you that there is no problem. On } some primitive systems (like yours) the Digest number will roll over to } 001, but that won't matter, since I'll know which one is which (I know } everything). It's no different from rolling over the odometer on your } car. However, when it happens you'll be expected to get out and push } the Oracle a mile. That's tradition. } } You owe the Oracle a cross-stitch sampler of the } alt.folklore.computers FAQ. --- 900-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who invented the oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A long, long time ago, } I can still remember how that Kinzler used to quickly type. } And I knew if I had more bytes } that I could end these silly fights and maybe } there'd be world peace, for a while. } But the endless September made me cranky, } with every "askme" and no thanky; } woodchucks and no grovel, } the Temple seemed a hovel. } I can't remember all my shock when I } realized the words were schlock, } but something gave me writer's block, } the day I met Zadoc. } I started singin' } } "Tell", "tell", I'm in Oracle Hell, } Incarnated as a faded overrated dumbbell. } Them good old priests are picking answers that smell, } Singin' "They'll adore this Digest so well; } They'll adore this Digest so well..." --- 900-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mike Nolan The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What light from yonder windows breaks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Scene: The Oracles Throne Room } ------------------------------ } } Oracle : Zadoc! Hoi, Zadoc! Oh damn, he's not here any more, is he? } Darkmage! DARKMAGE! } } Darkmage: You shouted, O Really Clever One? } } Oracle : Somehow it's just not the same. *sigh* Fetch me the } Shakespeare, would you? } } Darkmage: Err... The _Shakespeare_? } } Oracle : Yes. I'm going to write a rib-tickling parody of the balcony } scene from Romeo and Juliet, with dryly witty barbs at MS } Windows. } } Darkmage: The _Big_ Shakespeare? } } Oracle : Yes! } } Darkmage: The Big, Complete Shakespeare? } } Oracle : YES! } } Darkmage: Ahh, mmm, well you see, I... That is to say we... We being } the priesthood... All of us together at the same time and not } any one individual... You see, there was this incident... } more of an accident, really... a freak occurrence, million to } one chance... We were in the Library... all of us, it should } be made clear, and not anybody on their own, and - } } Oracle : Cut to the chase, Darkmage. Now. } } Darkmage: Custard, sir. } } Oracle : Custard? } } Darkmage: Lots of it. } } Oracle : How much, exactly? } } Darkmage: Mmmm... well, potentially an infinite amount, Your } Mercifulness. You see, _someone_ was over by the spellbooks } and felt hungry, and _somebody else_ jogged their arm at an } important moment, not because anyone was playing tag in the } Library or anything, they were just walking past, and - } } Oracle : Alright! How long have we got? } } Darkmage: About twenty minutes, sir. If the Library doorseals hold. } } Oracle : And when exactly were you planning on telling me about this } little... problem? } } Darkmage: In about fifteen minutes, O Benevolent and Forgiving Master. } } Oracle : Terror seems to bring out the groveller in you, Darkmage. I } must remember that. Right! I'll need a dried, six-armed } starfish; a silver pentagram; a piece of grass from Sunken } R'lyeh where Great Cthulhu sleeps and dreams of... well, of } Chip'n'Dale actually, but that's not relevant; the blood of a } Lummox; and my Incantating Hat. } } Darkmage: W-w-where can I find such things, O Terrible and Mysterious } One? } } Oracle : Check the study. It should all be filed under, } "Miscellaneous", except for the hat which is on the hook on } the back of the door. } } Darkmage: At once, Your Most Puissant One! } } Oracle : I'm dreadfully sorry, Supplicant, but we're experiencing... } ah... a few small technical difficulties. Normal service will } be resumed as soon as poss- } } } } Oracle: Aaak! DARKMAGE!!! } } } } You owe the Oracle a Chief Priest to keep these stooges in line. } Zadoc, Zadoc, wherefore art thou, Zadoc?