From oracle-request Fri Oct 6 00:10:39 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id AAA17787; Fri, 6 Oct 1995 00:10:39 -0500 Date: Fri, 6 Oct 1995 00:10:39 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #783 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 783 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #783 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 6 Oct 1995 00:10:39 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 783 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 778 82 votes aixe7 ajnic 5gxk8 3mCh2 36qti 1aqtg 1fume 2gvo9 1bhlw 7kmfi 778 3.3 mean 2.9 3.0 3.1 2.9 3.6 3.6 3.4 3.3 3.9 3.2 --- 783-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rich McGee The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What wine should I serve with dinner Friday night? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is not as difficult as it might seem, however there are a few } rules which you must follow: } } 1. Never select a wine bottle with a cork. You don't know where that } cork has been. Also, cork is very difficule to sterilize. Cleanliness } is next to Oracleness, etc. } } 2. Choose a bottle which has been sealed by using a screw-on cap. The } metal caps are easily kept very clean. See notation #1 above. Also, the } bouquet from a screw-on cap is something wonderful to behold. Take my } word, your nose will thank you for this! } } 3. Look for the words "muscatel" or "sulfite" on the label. You might } have to look in the fine print on the back of the bottle, but trust me, } these are key words and indicate a wine which is known as the "rascal } of the vineyards." } } 4. If in doubt, check with the clerk of the liquor store or 7-11 where } you normally shop. These people, especially the all-night clerks, are } a vast font of knowledge. Just tell the clerk that you want a wine } which is "absurb yet flacid." } } Follow these rules, my supplicant, and your dinner cannot go wrong. The } choice of the correct wine can improve even the most vapid of meals. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of 1967 "Pagan Pink" by Ripple. --- 783-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm. I'd better get out my magnifying glass to read this one. } } # } # } # } # .. . . . .. . .. .. . } # } # } # } } Yes, there's definitely a message here, but it's still too small } to make out. Let me dig out the microscope. } } # } ## } ### } #### } ##### } ###### } ####### } ######## } ######### } ########## } ########## } ########## } ########## } ########## } ########## } ########## } ########## } ########## } ########## } ########## Where can I find picutres of Marina Sirtis nude? } ########## } ########## } ########## } ########## } ########## } ########## } ########## } ########## } ########## } ########## } ######### } ######## } ####### } ###### } ##### } #### } ### } ## } # } } Billy, does your daddy know you're using his Internet account? } Oh, he does? OK, well in that case, here's the URL to start from for } some wonderful GIFs, collected and preserved by Ye Inner Circle of } alt.fan.warlord: } } http://zucchini.cs.adelaide.edu.au:2112/ic-1.html } } You owe the Oracle a computer monitor with a built-in magnifier. --- 783-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > bronte And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For goodness sake, mortal! I'm an *ORACLE*, not a WebCrawler. There } are three significant differences: } } 1. You need to grovel to me } 2. You're supposed to ask me tricky questions } 3. You stand pretty even chances of getting *ZOT*ed for failing } the previous two pre-conditions. } } But it's Tuesday (and we all know what happens on *Tuesdays*, right?) } and I'm in a good mood anticipating it, so I'll do what I can to help } you: } } ORACLE: Hey, Web guy. } WEBCRAWLER: Yo. } O: Umm... Got a newbie here. Wants to know something about "bronte". } Anything on your books? } W: Hmmm..... } O: Twiddle dee, twiddle doo... } W: Ahem. The information your supplicant required is as follows: } } > [http://www.ozemail.com.au/~dallet] } > } > The Bronte Surf Report } > } > Monday 25th September 1995 } > } > The rain continues. The surf is small, inconsistent and onshore. At } > eight o'clock there was not a surfer in sight. The water temperature } > is sixteen degrees Celsius. The rain is expected to clear in the } > afternoon and the air temperature is expected to reach nineteen } > degrees Celsius. } } O: Thanks. } } So there you go supplicant! I'll bet you thought I was going to } get the wrong "bronte" and tell you something stupid about an author, } didn't you? } } You owe the Oracle a new surf-board and a ticket to Bells Beach. --- 783-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Greatest Oracle, whose wisdom makes the Stright Dope look like Ask > Marilyn, please tell me: is Ed Zotti really Cecil Adams? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Is a pig really a hog? Is Velveeta really cheese? Is a nor'easter } really from the northeast? Is Patrick Stewert really straight? Is } Richard Kostelanetz really a poet? Is meat really murder? Is Bill Gates } really Satan? Is the price really right? Is Elvis really dead? Is } Thomas Pynchon really William Gaddis? Is 'to be or not to be' really } the question? Is life really a bowl of cherries? Is Florida really a } good place to store old people? Is Istanbul really not Constantinople? } Is Finnegans Wake really unreadable? Is 1+1 really 2? Is serialism } really an extension of late romanticism? Is death really the end? Is } this response really annoying? } } Is what you owe the Oracle really thanks for not touching Ed *___*ti's } last name? --- 783-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and omnipotent oracle, who knows a heck of a lot more than > my professors even claim, and is tough enough to mess anybody up on a > moment's notice, please give this humble supplicant an answer to this > question. > > What does Salvidor Dali's Crucifixtion painting (the one with the > hypercube) say about the political state of the upper class in the > cities of Nepal? What bearing does this have on his image of the > ultimate fate of mankind? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's go straight to the source and find out. [The Oracle waves his } hands, and in an instant both Orrie and the Supplicant are standing in } front of Dali's famous crucifixion painting.] } } Oracle: "Well, what do you say about the political state of the upper } class in the cities of Nepal? What bearing does this have on Dali's } image of the ultimate fate of mankind?" } } [Long pause.] } } Oracle: "WELL?" } } Supplicant [looking around nervously]: "Uh...m-me?" } } Oracle [annoyed]: "No, not YOU--I was talking to the PAINTING! Sheesh, } you wanted to know what the PAINTING said, didn't you?" } } Supplicant: "Well, yes, but--" } } Oracle: "--SHHHHHHHH! It's about to say something!" } } Supplicant [surprised]: "Huh?" [Stares fixedly at painting, as if } waiting for it to speak.] } } [Long pause. The Supplicant starts to shift restlessly, but keeps his } eyes on the painting. Eventually he glances at the Oracle, as if } waiting for an explanation.] } } Oracle: "Tell you what. This might take a while. You wait here until it } says something. I'll be back in a while." } } [The Oracle waves his hands, and in an instant the Supplicant is left } alone with the painting.] } } --You owe the Oracle an explanation of what the painting said. Sorry I } wasn't able to be there. --- 783-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise Oracle, keeper of the knowledge, and wielder of the Staff > of *Zot*, > please tell me if there will ever be Peace on Earth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There already has been peace on Earth. Unfortunately, then humans came } along to ruin everything. } } You owe the Oracle a mass extinction. --- 783-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Scott Panzer The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Freedom! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Finally deleted Windows95 from your hard drive, eh? --- 783-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can I move where it's warm, people aren't fighting each other, > and there are no conservatives? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Womb. --- 783-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle Whose Wisdom Exceeds that of Plato, Aristotle, Kant, > Pascal and Wittgenstein combined, > > Can you prove that there is a God? > > Can you prove that there is NO God? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Loyal follower, there is a 'God' - O.J. was aquitted. } -also- } There is NO God - O.J. was aquitted. --- 783-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wonderful oracle tell me: > > Does it snow in Australia? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A comparison between the rest of the world and Australia: } } Rest of world Australia } ------------- ------------ } Cold in North Cold in South } Winter in January Winter in July } Prince of Wales is a Prince Prince of Wales is an island } Prince Edward is an island Prince Edward is a Prince } Christmas in Winter Christmas in Summer } Halifax on Atlantic Ocean Halifax on Pacific Ocean } Water drains clockwise Water drains anti-clockwise } Fosters is imported Fosters is domestic } Victoria is 49 deg. North Victoria is 37 deg. South } North Star guides sailors Sailors get lost } Blacks play basketball Blacks 4 feet tall } Wales is South of Newcastle Newcastle in New South Wales } } So anyway, the answer to your question is yes, it does snow in } Australia. It's just that it's warm snow and it falls up. } } You owe the Oracle a compass that points South. G'day, mate.