From oracle-request Mon Jul 24 08:32:34 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id IAA24128; Mon, 24 Jul 1995 08:32:34 -0500 Date: Mon, 24 Jul 1995 08:32:34 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #758 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 758 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #758 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 24 Jul 1995 08:32:34 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 758 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 753 90 votes pCg47 37lwr 8kxl8 6nwo5 8jvlb 4dthr 2dwxa 8lxj9 0dozi 8lneo 753 3.2 mean 2.2 3.8 3.0 3.0 3.1 3.6 3.4 3.0 3.6 3.3 --- 758-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does Keanu Reaves have an Internet address? If you can find this out > for me then you are truly GREAT!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I have a prepared answer to this statement, but I can't seem to find } it. Hold on a moment. LISA! What did you do with that instruction } sheet? Oh. Okay... thanks. Here we go, supplicant. Pay attention. } } MISS MANNERS' ETIQUETTE FOR SUPPLICANTS: } } In our society today, it frequently seems that traditional wisdom on } dealing with immortals has been lost. Fear not, gentle readers, all is } not lost. Miss Manners fully appreciates that in the hundreds of years } between the appearance of oracles and other assorted omnipotent beings, } customs are lost, manners forgotten, and proper techniques dissapear. } With this in mind, she has prepared for you a simple three part list, } that (if used properly) should insure good success when dealing with } these sometimes tempermental creatures. } } 1. Grovel. While Miss Manners would be shocked if it were suggested } that one grovel in the name of etiquette to another mortal, there } are times when it appropriate. The groveling should be concise, } and appropriate to the stature of the being in question. Also, it } is important to take into account the nature or importance of the } favor being asked for. } } 2. Prepare. Miss Manners cannot stress enough to her readers the } importance of formulating an intelligent, well structured query. } In plain English: no stupid questions. } } 3. No conditionals. On no account should one be tempted to try } to leverage an answer out of an immortal by promising extra gratitude } for a good answer, or any such nonsense. The merits of a superior } being stand on their own; it is not necessary that they seek favor } from mortals. } } Miss Manners cannot guarantee the outcome of an encounter with } an immortal that ignores these essential rules. It is likely that } forgetting one of the three will only annoy; to fail two is asking } for trouble; and a family newspaper is hardly the place to discuss } the worst-case scenario. --MM } } Gosh, she said it. I don't think I need elaborate. Let's see... No } grovel... I can't stand that actor... and... oh dear. I'm afraid } you're in for it. } } ZOT! } } You owe the Oracle a good filing system. --- 758-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Computer Training Iz We, Inc., a Client/Server training company with > clients ranging from the mega-corporation to the 3-person-in-the-garage > software company, is looking for qualified Oracle instructors. > > If you have extensive experience using Oracle either as a DBA or > programmer, have teaching experience, and/or have high quality training > materials in a variety of subjects relating to Oracle, we'd love to > hear from you. Also, if you have the freedom to travel on occassion to > various parts of the United States and Canada, this is a definate plus. > > Please email me at: jdoe@ispv.com or call John Doe at: > (123)456-7890 ASAP. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle } Delphi } John Doe } jdoe@ispv.com } } Dear John: } } Thank you for the opportunity of an interview with your company. } I've enclosed a resume to give you some idea of my background and work } experience. } Since I already know you wish to arrange an interview, I will } stop by your office today, at 1:00 PM. You already have a have a dental } appointment scheduled at that time, but I would not be concerned. } Your dentist will be involved in a two car collision at 12:10 PM, } after spilling a cup of Dunkin' Donuts coffee in his lap while rushing } back to his office. He will suffer only minor injuries to his lower } back and right shoulder. His nurse will cancel your appointment at } 12:50 PM. } I look forward to meeting with you, and discussing the work } of your company in greater detail. Better answer the phone now; it's } an urgent call from your wife. } Sincerely, } O. } -------------------------------------------------- } Oracle } Delphi } Phone: (111) 111-1111 } E-Mail: oracle@cs.indiana.edu } } EDUCATION } } AS, BS, PhD, MMD,... from Harvard, Yale, Dartmouth, Univ. of } Pennsylvania... } } WORK EXPERIENCE } } _Usenet Oracle_; beginning of Usenet to present } } As Usenet Oracle, It is my responsibility to answer all questions } put to me in an honest and forthright manner. I interact with many } people of varied backgrounds. I am good with pets. } } My duties include (but are not limited to) the following: } knowing the unknown, seeing the unseen, pondering the unponderable, } speaking the unspeakable, uncovering the covered, covering my } feet when they're cold, printing the unprintable, writing the } unwriteable, speling the unspelable, cleaning the uncleanable, } "able"ing the un"able"able, "ing"ing the un"ing"able, "un"ing the } un"un"able, quoting the unquotable, noting the unnotable, doting on } my neice, lying on my fleece, fleecing the unfleecable, creasing the } uncreasable, greasing the skids, thrilling the kids, policeing the } police, balancing the books, looking the looks, walking the walk, } talking the talk, shuckin' the jive, stayin' alive, wondering the } unwonderable, sponging the unspongable, ZOTing the unZOTable... } } I also do windows. } } _Oracle at Delphi_; beginning of time to beginning of Usenet } } Hercules and the Twelve Year Punishment, King Eurystheus of } Mycenae, Sea Monster, Andromeda Chained to Rocks, Perseus, King } Cepheus. You know the rest. } } RECOGNITION } } Created the Nobel Peace Prize, when Alfred asked me what he } should do with all his money... } } Completed the Declaration of Independence when Jefferson asked } me if all men really *were* created equal... } } Instituted the first cooking school when I told Yog of Ghitherg } that the meat would taste better if he dropped it in the volcano for } a few minutes... } } INTERESTS } } I have a bleck belt in all martial arts, love to wind surf, and } participate in full contact origami. (Wait, I'm sorry; wrong text file.) } } I am also an expert chef. Would you like a recipe for brazed } woodchuck? } -------------------------------------------------- } Oracle } Delphi } John Doe } jdoe@ispv.com } } Dear John: } } I am including this follow-up letter now, since I already } know that you've decided to hire me. I am flattered that you consider } me partnership material, although I am a bit dissappointed that you } will try to start me in a sales position to see if I can work well } with people - and to save money. Most of your employees think *you* } are the one who has an ego problem, with the exception of that cute } secretary you've been boffing on the week-ends. } Unfortunately, I must decline your generous offer. Although } you think the angry call you just received from your wife is another } one of her meaningless threats, you are wrong. She fully intends to } seek a divorce. In fact, she hired a private investigator to catch } you and the secretary "flagrante delicto". She has many compromising } photographs. In color. } Due to this sad turn of events, your company will close its } doors in 3 months. After the divorce proceedings, you will find } yourself penniless and without a job. Do not be concerned. You will } be subsequently hired by Borland Inc. as a new account salesman. } You will travel the Pacific Rim market extensively. } Better answer the phone now; it's an urgent call from your lawyer. } } Sincerely, } O. --- 758-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and groovy Oracle, whose forecasts of major meteorological > events are always right on target, please tell me: > > Is a hurricane going to strike the Tampa Bay (Florida) area this year? > And if so, when? I'd like to get a head start if we have to evacuate. > > -- Troubled in Tampa And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In fact, *all* of the hurricanes are going to strike the Tampa Bay area } this year. They've been quite upset with management lately, and have } demanded the following before they will return to work: } } o Rights to move further inland } o Full control over the Bermuda Triangle } o Higher guaranteed minimum water allotment } o No maximum water allotment } o A percentage of all management profits } o Free agency after 2 days of demolishing } o Bonuses based on the number of homes they hit } } Since they're planning on striking, they likely won't do any of their } work before hand, so you shouldn't need to worry about evacuating. The } only way they'll start demolishing again is if management meets all of } their demands, and I can tell you right now I have *no* intention of } giving in on *any* of those points! } } You owe the Oracle some minor-league hurricanes. --- 758-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is your favorite number, and why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Since you probably are referring to numbers as mortals understand them, } I will limit my response to categories you can understand. } } XXIV - Julius and I had a good laugh over this one. } } 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164 } 0628 This one's nifty. It just } keeps going and going, and in circles, too! } } 69 - Don't think this one really needs any explanation. } } 13 - It makes some mortals cringe in fear some reason. I like to make } it show up in odd places, usually right before someone dies, or on } ill-fated moon shots. } } 299,795,637.692 - It reminds me just how limited you } puny mortals really are. } } 42 - My favorite. You'll find out why, when you have metamorphosed } into a state from which you can understand it. --- 758-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mysterious Oracle, Master of the Ages, please enlighten this > petty bourgeious fool, for I have stumbled over many a root through > a jungle of contorted lies and poorly-typed undergraduate reports > on the history of the Middle East to find out the true origin of > the Usenet. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As most people know, the Internet got its start in the early 1970's as } a project by the Defense Department called ARPAnet. By the early 80's } users of various computer centers realized that they could connect to } this backbone to trade not only secret military info, but also } scientific data, high-tech research, martini recipes, and Star Trek } jpegs (the original series; remember this was the early 80's). } } Not to be outdone, shepherds across the world soon found a way to hook } up to this network to distribute information on herding techniques, } tips on the proper maintenance of their crooks, and general } sheep-related topics. They called this new network EWESnet. } } As an added historical bonus, here's the very first thread on EWESnet: } } >Subject: *** MAKE $$$ FAST *** } >From: Black Sheep, blkshp@baa.net } >Date: 11 Mar 1985 11:48:41 GMT } > } >Ha! Ha! Fooled you! Acme Shepherd's Crooks SUCK!!!!!!!! } >You should all buy A-One Crooks!!!! Ha Ha Ha! } > } > Black Sheep } } >Subject: Re: *** MAKE $$$ FAST *** } >From: Arthur Popkin, ampopkin@ram.edu } >Date: 12 Mar 1985 1:18:12 GMT } > } >Black Sheep (blkshp@baa.net) wrote: } >[ bunch of crap snipped] } > } >YOU IDIOT! all the KewL SH3P3RDZ use Acme Crookz! } >It figures your posting from baa.net--your all clueless LameRZ their! } } You owe me a nice, wool dust cover for my keyboard (flame resistant). --- 758-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well, it's an hour and ten minutes until quitting time, and I have > no more work left to do. What should I do for the next 70 minutes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dammit Newt, how many times have I told you that the Speaker's work is } never done?!?! Don't you think old Orrie has other supplicants whose } questions need answering? Every time I turn around it's you at my } footstool, groveling, whining, and supplicating something about how } do I run America's government and how do preserve democracy in the } free world? and how do I pass an amendment that makes it legal to } deport Connie Chung? I should've never given you my mobile number! } Now you're telling me you don't have enough to do? Really, I was } trusting you to step out on your own and show a bit more of a proactive } spirit towards this all. } } OK, I guess I can come up with a few things to keep you busy, at least } until the 4:45 vote on #10540607 The Concealed Death Ray Bill (you } are supporting that one aren't you? Remember what I told you - death } rays don't kill people, people kill people). Anyway, here a quick } list: } } 1. Balance the budget. No, not the federal...get out that checkbook } and figure out how to slip those book tour expenses and book tour } advancements pass the Ethics Committee. } } 2. Touch base with John in Ways and Means and see if they've gotten } the funding for PROJECT CHUCKSTEAK. And don't let him give you that } story about Americans might not be sympathetic about using the } nation's woodchuck supply to replace soybean filler in school } lunches. If that doesn't fly, check on the legality of substituting } Joel Furr instead. } } 3. Get those pictures of Greenspan and the dribble glass from } the last Fed meeting developed. } } 4. Start working on the rough draft of the Contract with } America-On-Line. (Just haaaaaad to sell out on that one, huh?) } } If all of that doesn't keep you occupied, send Al Gore another set of } those mystery xeroxes, but be sure to clean off the photocopier. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Robert's Rules of Order and the } unedited Nixon tapes. --- 758-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and knowledgeable Oracle, there are certain stereotypes > of women, i.e. blondes are said to be dumb, redheads are supposed > to have fiery personalities, and so on. Is there any basis to these > stereotypes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THIS IS LISA - ORRIE'S A LITTLE TIED UP RIGHT NOW! } (muffled cry in background) } I'll answer your brilliant, incisive, well considered, seriously } lacking a grovel, also lacking a clue question. } Now to aid you in your festering ignorance, I will proceed to list the } absolute truth about hair color and personal attributes: } } Blondes: are aliens sent to conquer humanity by turning the rapidly } decreasing percentage of the male population in EVEN BIGGER assholes - } if such a thing was possible! } } Redheads: are sent to do the same for Irish-American assholes } } Brunettes: are cloned from the queen brunette - spunky Mary Tyler Moore } - and only await the signal to begin a manic killing spree, targeting } anyone named "Mr. Grant" } } Black-haired: Goddesses all! } } Bald: anti-pope terrorist unit } } Blue: hair salon support network. } } Green: Chia heads } } Blonde in a Bottle: evil minions of Satan. } } You owe Lisa an apology & the oracle balm for his face - Duct tape can } sting when it is removed. --- 758-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What the hell is my e-mail address!!??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } supplicant@clueless.aol.com --- 758-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > h great racle, master f keybards and mnitrs, please help me... > > Please, h please, culd yu tell me why th "" key n my keybard wn't wrk > right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Neekapz B. Gonn Collection Agency } 123 Usorius Place } Extortion, NJ 09982 } } July 21, 1995 } } Mr. TUO Supplicant } 456 Blind Faith Blvd } Happy Meadows, NJ 09771 } } Dear Mr. Supplicant: } } It has come to our attention that your bill with the Oracle Answering } Service is now past 90 days overdue. } } On March 15, 1995, you petitioned the Service with a question regarding } certain small rodents and their consumption of xyloid substances. As } payment, the Service extracted a payment of a pound of flesh or $10,000 } in unmarked bills. With interest this amount is now 1.768 pounds of } flesh or $17,680 in unmarked bills. } } By now, you have most likely noticed our Progressive Deutilization } Mechanism. Your computer will slowly lose one or more of its functions } each day that this bill remains past due. } } We appreciate your prompt attention in this matter. } } Sincerely yours, } } [signed] } } Wesley Crusher } Assistant to Mr. Gonn } } WC/bt --- 758-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear most great and wonderful Wizard of Oz. No, wrong person. Let me > start over. Dear most horrible and undeserving Wicked Witch of the > West. NO, that's not right either. Ummm, oh yeah! Dear most loving and > intelligent Oracle, yeah! That's it! Dear Oracle, please tell me what > to do to get the movie "The Wizard of Oz" out of my head. Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, If it isn't my old friend, Johnny Mnemonic. } } John, John, John. When will you learn to stop batch-downloading } the Usenet Movie Archive straight to your brain? Without the proper } command filter, the first movie chosen is stored multiple times for } greater clarity on playback. If you're not careful it'll fill up all } available space. In your case that means about 200 milllion copies of } the "Wizard of Oz" in the old wetware. } } Let's see what we can do. Here, plug yourself into this. } } >Snap< >Click< >Buzzzzzzzz< } } oracle{oracle}1: brainmount /dev/cyber/JM } /dev/cyber/JM mounted } oracle{oracle}2: cd /JM/brain/home } /JM/brain/home } oracle{oracle}3: df /JM/brain/home } mbytes used avail cap. mounted } /dev/cyber/JM/brain/home 6000000 6000000 0 100% /orcacle } oracle{oracle}4: ls | more } Wizard.of.Oz.flm.1 Wizard.of.Oz.flm.9 Wizard.of.Oz.flm.17 } Wizard.of.Oz.flm.2 Wizard.of.Oz.flm.10 Wizard.of.Oz.flm.18 } Wizard.of.Oz.flm.3 Wizard.of.Oz.flm.11 Wizard.of.Oz.flm.19 } Wizard.of.Oz.flm.4 Wizard.of.Oz.flm.12 Wizard.of.Oz.flm.20 } Wizard.of.Oz.flm.5 Wizard.of.Oz.flm.13 Wizard.of.Oz.flm.21 } Wizard.of.Oz.flm.6 Wizard.of.Oz.flm.14 Wizard.of.Oz.flm.22 } Wizard.of.Oz.flm.7 Wizard.of.Oz.flm.15 Wizard.of.Oz.flm.23 } Wizard.of.Oz.flm.8 Wizard.of.Oz.flm.16 Wizard.of.Oz.flm.24 } --More-- (0%) } ^C } } Well, we can certainly see the problem, eh? You're system can't even } process comands internally, it's so clogged. Good thing I'm omnipotent } - hacking that root password out could take weeks. } } oracle{oracle}5: su } password: } oracle{root}1: rm Wizard.of.Oz.flm.* } 2,463,928,287 file(s) deleted } oracle{root}2: ls } The.Wiz.flm The.Wzard.of.Space.and.Time.flm Wizards.flm } oracle{root}3: exit } oracle{oracle}5: df /JM/brain/home } mbytes used avail cap. mounted } /dev/cyber/JM/brain/home 6000000 1823746 4176254 30% /orcacle } } That should take care of it. Next time don't forget the -c when you } batch download. That'll only send one copy of each film. } } You owe the oracle a set of 16 Gig SIMMs and the lyrics to "Ease on } Down the Road"