From oracle-request Sun Jun 11 00:10:40 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (8.6.12/9.4jsm) id AAA10241; Sun, 11 Jun 1995 00:10:40 -0500 Date: Sun, 11 Jun 1995 00:10:40 -0500 From: "Usenet Oracle" To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #744 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with ftp.cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 744 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #744 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 11 Jun 1995 00:10:40 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 744 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 739 81 votes 3gwm8 7ishb 7dwfe csnf3 8pve3 fjhic 4gso9 7akln 4cAja 9cot7 739 3.1 mean 3.2 3.1 3.2 2.6 2.7 2.9 3.2 3.5 3.2 3.2 --- 744-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dcksftiz, kwhhm obr ozz-ybckwbu Cfoqzs, kvm wg hvs cttwqs piwzrwbu > W kcfy wb awggwbu o tzccf? Rcsg wh vojs obmhvwbu hc rc kwhv hvs piu > wb am bskgfsorsf'g fch13 dfcufoa? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lbh sbetbg lbhe i-8 ntnva, qvqa'g lbh? Lbh frr, vg'f abg gur sybbe } gung'f zvffvat, vg'f gur jnyy. Gel fgnaqvat _hcevtug_ naq purpxvat gur } cynpr bhg. Nyfb, gubfr ovgf bs zvffvat jnyy ner vagragvbany. Gurl'er } pnyyrq jvaqbjf. Gurl pbzr va unaql jura lbh jnag gb qb fhpu guvatf nf: } } * Purpx bhg gur jrngure } * Qnlqernz qhevat zbeavat zrrgvatf } * Yrnir gur ohvyqvat va n uheel } * Fgner ng crbcyr va bgure bssvpr ohvyqvatf, fbzr bs juvpu znl } npghnyyl or zvffvat frpgvbaf bs gur sybbe } * Guerngra fhvpvqr va na rssbeg gb trg n cnl envfr } } Lbh frr, jvgu n yvggyr jbex, gur jvaqbj pna orpbzr lbhe sevraq. } } Lbh bjr gur Benpyr n aba-Qibenx xrlobneq. --- 744-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tell me... well, actually, now when you mention it... I dont really > want to know anything, I would just like to give some answers... > So, it is you who owes me something now .. make your best offer.. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The supplicant looks upwards at The Oracle expectantly, and The Oracle } slowly gets up and walks out the back. A few minutes later The Oracle } returns with a large shining metal tub. } } "Oh Wow! Oracle! What is this huge tub of the most sweetest smelling } perfume I've ever smelt. It's, Ummmmm, Ummmmm, wonderful." } } "It's your payment, is it good enough?" } } "Oh Yes! Thank you Oracle, Thank you thank you thank you!" } } The supplicant skips excitedly down the path, hardly even noticing the } weight of the tub, or Steve Kinzler walking up the path in overalls, } carrying brushes, pails, mops etc. The Oracle turns to Steve and } speaks. } } "Oh Steve, you don't need to worry about emptying the septic tank, I've } done it already." --- 744-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise, the sum of whose knowledge is like a vast and > endless sea, immeasurable by mortal means, this humble supplicant would > ask a boon of you. It is a questions unworthy of your greatness, but > which has nontheless been growing on my mind. > > It is simply this: I have noticed that, with great regularity, people > that call themselves "road crews" will go through great effort to close > off all but one lane of traffic (in both directions), frequently > spending several days placing and then removing red cones on the > highway, in order to noisily cut a 10' x 10' hole in the pavement. > This hole is then allowed to sit in peace for a few days, with the > "road crews" suddenly and mysteriously absent, after which it is filled > in, and some more red cones are put up and taken down again. What is > really going on here? Is there some purpose, some cosmic meaning, > behind this seemingly mindless activity? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, the Oracle can shed a little light on these issues, although } I had to consult with the well-known ornithologist, Prof. Dr. Piet } Buitenbroek, for some details. } } The nesting habits of the Orange-breasted Roadcrew (Constructus } Menatworkus sp.) have baffled biologists for many years. The } animals are known to nest in flocks, preferably on hard surfaces } such as roads and parking lots (hence their name).They mark off } their breeding grounds with orange, cone-like droppings. The } function of these excrements is unknown, but they are likely to } act as a warning to predators. The flock then collectively } constructs a single nest, approximately 10' x 10', one of the } more remarkable examples of collaboration in the animal world, } according to Prof. Buitenbroek, an expert in the ornithology of } the Constructus family. At times the use of simple tools has } been observed during nest construction, but Prof. Buitenbroek } deems it unlikely that such an animal would have sufficient } brain capacity to use tools intelligently, and he ascribes the } observations to chance happenings. Apparently eggs are then } deposited in the nest. However, here the baffling part begins, } for despite the fact that the Crews do not sit on their eggs and } actually leave the breeding grounds for weeks, no eggs have thus } far been recovered from any of these sites. After a prolonged } absence the animals return, and meticulously close off their } nest, again using the tell-tale droppings. Prof. Buitenbroek } proclaims as his firm conviction that eggs are only deposited } at this point, and that they are thus covered up once the nest } is closed. They then hatch after "a long time", thinks Prof. } Buitenbroek. Clearly more research is warranted in this area. } } Other habits of the animals observed during nestbuilding are at } least as surprising. Strangest perhaps is the collective } interruption of nest building and turning of heads whenever a } female Homo sapiens passes the nesting site. Prof. Buitenbroek } considers this an aggressive gesture, and he points to the low } whistles emitted by the animals at such time as evidence. } However, no actual attacks have been reported. Another behavior } pattern of interest is the habit to interrupt nest buidling for } approximately half an hour ("Usually a little more", ventures } Prof. Buitenbroek) around noon, during which time the animals } appear to actually eat another form of excrement, this time } droppings in the shape of square packages. } } You owe the Oracle an Orange-breasted Roadcrew egg. } Sunny side up. --- 744-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most powerful Oracle, who makes Freud look foolish, and makes Jung > look like a baby, can you please analyze the following dream I had > last night? > > It started out perfectly normal, I was just walking through the > woods as a shortcut to the convenience store to pick up some beer > and Fritos. A friend of mine was walking next to me and we were > just chatting away. Then, instead of being in the woods, we were > in a movie theater watching Friday the Thirteenth part 9, the > Musical. Then instead of being in a movie theater, we were > watching it as a live play on Broadway. We left the play, > (actually, now there are three of us...) but instead of walking > into a New York evening, we were in some Medieval time period. We > actually strayed right into a major battle. Of course we had to > fight in it. I must admit, I was very good, I saved my friends' (4 > of us now) lives several times. When I finally vanquished the > commander of the other army, we were strolling back to our castle. > As it happened, we had to walk through the woods to get there. > Well, when we got to the end of the woods, we weren't at the > castle, we (just me and my original friend) were at the > convenience store. And instead of buying beer and Fritos, I bought > beer and Tostitos. What does it all mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Like I told Carl and Siggy when they asked, just extract the } essense of the dream, translate the symbols, and the message from } your subconscious mind sort of jumps out at you, like this: } } woods When } shortcut seeking } convenience cool } store spirits, } pick please } beer be } chatting careful } woods with } movie monetary } theater things. } thirteenth This } musical means } play please } broadway bring } New York no } medieval money } time to } period pay } We with, } battle but } vanquish very } commander calmly } strolling say, } our "Oh } castle clever } as and } woods wise } original Oracle, } friend Fritos } convenience cost } tostitos too } does darn } mean much." } } I'd stick with the Tostitos. } } You owe the Oracle a crude cardboard sign that says, } "Will reveal the future for Doritos." --- 744-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > help And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACLE: Spiritual 911, what is your emergency? } } SUPPLICANT: help } } ORACLE: Sir, I'm afraid you're going to have to be more specific. } } SUPPLICANT: subscribe } } ORACLE: I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand what you are trying to tell } me. Do you require guidance or assistance? } } SUPPLICANT: list } } ORACLE: I'm not quite sure what you're getting at. Could you please } state your question more clearly? } } SUPPLICANT: info } } ORACLE: Sir, this line is for emergencies only. If you need } information, you should call Spiritual Directory Assistance. } } SUPPLICANT: commands } } ORACLE: *sigh*...Another crank call. } } >CLICK< --- 744-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is this guy stalki And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stalky was brought to life by Rudyard Kipling in his trend-setting } collection of stories, "Stalky & Co". It chronicles the life of a } mischieveous bunch of public schoolkids, Stalky at the head, in the } late nineteenth century. Although the book has many faults, and a } rather shaky storyline, it has (like all Kipling) an immense smell of } the period in which it was written. Many imitations followed, and } indeed Frank Richards used almost identical characters and language in } his boys' weeklies (Billy Bunter at Greyfriars, etc), as Orwell was } keen to point out in his famous article in the Partisan Review. } } In more modern times, the film "If" was based very loosely on the book, } although of course things were rather updated, and the famous ending } was not at all what Kipling would have wanted: he depicts Stalky not as } a villain, but a cynic (in the traditional sense of the word); one who } sees through the shams of authority and is prepared to go his own way. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Writers' and Artists' Yearbook. --- 744-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have thoroughly thought over the answer to the question how a priest > becomes one, and I have come up with an answer. I think that people > must go through rigourus bible teaching to become a priest. I also > think that they have to learn Latin and Greek. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *zzzzzzzzzt* } } Trebek: Oracle? } } Oracle: Um, what is a confused net newbie likely to say after } receiving his first reply from the Usenet Oracle without having read } the intro, and expecting to be able to carry on a meaningful dialogue } with a single person? } } Trebek: (eyes narrowed) Could you be... more specific? } } Oracle: A *freenet* newbie? } } Trebek: Correct! Oracle, you have control of the board... } } Oracle: I'll take "Cosmic Questions" for $500, Alex. } } Trebek: And the first answer in that column is... "42"... } ***************** } } You owe the Oracle a clue. And an answer for it. Um, a question. --- 744-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > On a package of M&Ms the experation date is listed as "May 3, > 1995; 8:07 a.m." What happens at 8:08? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They hatch. Then they start to eat their way out of whatever they are } in-- the box, you, etc. Sometimes the strong ones will eat their weaker } siblings. Once they are free, they will go in search of more food. } Once they are satiated, they will mate and build a new nest. They like } to build their nest in warm locations, such as vending machines. } Having built their nest, the female will fill it with new eggs. Both } the male and female will then turn into a sticky film of gunk and coat } any nearby surface. } } You can avoid all this if you just chew them well. --- 744-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wondrous Oracle, whose cornucopia of knowledge perpetually > overfloweth, whose fount of wisdom forever sprayeth, whose monsoon of > magnificence frequently drencheth, your humble, loyal, unworthy > supplicant meekly solicits your ever-intelligent answer to this, my > pathetic excuse for a question. > > Why do so many of your supplicants refuse to grovel in your most > glorious presence? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle was just wondering that himself. So he went out to as The } Man On The Net. (Kind of like The Man On The Street, but with a LOT } more time on his hands.) } } > Hey! I know everything there is to know about everything. If you } > grovel a bit I'll tell you everything you want to know. } } To which the response was: } } > #@*&#@$! off } } (the Oracle has slightly altered the content of the response message } just in case the supplicant should be one of the hundreds of millions } of 10 year old boys whom Senator Exon is protecting from nasties on } the Net.) } } Needless to say, the Oracle was somewhat disheartened by this } response. So he tried again. } } > My magnificence has just been compared to a monsoon. Do you need to } > be drenched a little bit? } } Response: } > I'll have you know I've just forwarded your email to Senator Exon's } > office, you pre-vert. Why don't you take your deviant self off our } > nice, clean Internet and into the dirty magazine shops where it } > belongs? Let us CyberNauts enjoy the Information SuperHighWay in } > peace! } } A pattern is gradually forming. Let's try just one more: } } > Excuse me, sir. This is the Usenet Oracle. Would you be so kind as } > to participate in a study of non-grovelling behaviors among } > supplicants? } } Response: } > O|< 8-> %-P } } Well, the Oracle is not sure what that means, but it certainly appears } that the media attention the Net has been receiving has not produced } any high-quality, grovel-generating, spiffy-question-asking } supplicants such as your highly respected self. } } The Oracle owes you a kinder, gentler Internet, with a thousand } points of light twinkling on the front console. --- 744-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Darkmage The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most wise and generous Oracle, you are the light of knowledge and > wisdom for all humanity! I have crossed mountains, swam oceans and > even hang-gliding so I could at last be honored by your answer. > > This question has tormented me since childhood -- Why can't Wiley the > Coyote ever catch the Roadrunner, even with the most ingenius traps > and tricks his small canine brain can devise? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Coyote/Roadrunner is a metaphor for the human condition. In this } series, the Coyote represents the ego, where the Roadrunner represents } the id. The series poigniantly describes the never-ending internal } struggle between these two aspects of everyone's personality. } } As with any struggle, if the two sides are not evenly matched, it will } end soon. Not good for ratings. Also not good for a personality - if } someone is all ego, they are really unbearable. Same for id. } } So, while it is entertaining to watch the antics of the egomaniac } Coyote, and the free-running, no-cares roadrunner, one must keep in } mind the ideological... } } } } Excuse ME, I am giving a lecture. My office hours are posted. } } } } OK, ok, um, Class? Take a 15 minute break, and return with a treatise } on the... } } } } Right. Class, you're dismissed, but return tomorrow with a 500 word } essay on the juxtapositions of id and ego, with a counter.... } } } } Um... } } } } Class, have a good time, see you tomorrow. } } } } Well, I was asked a question about the Coyote and Roadrunner, which I } saw was clearly a metaphor for the human condition of.... } } } } No, this was BF Skinner } } <...from what is basically a question about entertainment. I don't } care if it's BF Goodrich, it's irrelevent to the question asked. This } guy wants to know about big rubber bands, rockets, roller skates, fake } tunnels painted on rock walls, and pianos that explode when you play a } high 'b'.> } } As I said, it's a metaphor for the constant struggle between the } aspects of the... } } } } What? Of course I know, if only you'd listen. } } } } I'll have you know, I most certainly have! Why just last year, at the } Freud festival in Toledo, I went to a seminar discussing the } psychological meanings inherent in the symbiology. They even showed a } clip. It was dumb, ignoring all laws of physics. This canine ran out } over the edge of a cliff, and continued running until he looked down, } when he fell. This is obviously not possible. } } } } I minored in comparitive humor, and have published papers on the 7 } major genres of comedy. The interactions are, I must say, quite } interesting. } } } } But....the metaphor! } } } } What's the charge? } } } } You owe the Oracle a burst bubble, and an Acme catalog and gift } certificate.