From oracle-request Mon May 15 12:59:24 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA07299; Mon, 15 May 1995 12:59:24 -0500 Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 12:59:24 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #733 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: '0b2xC}Fg0Z6}wg?(CMkyOY?Mjh@$OR;gORd)phLm"X%ygJV(M7'!~+DSZy?Ck3! FR%|G!qEbv>t/RbK(Z9%Lj/u.GsW4z8m\c'F3(D0przTCuHs5~F#p{J7iy[MAqFy dq9A~o%*m"]A@9*BlHpfC$6n15zn{NECTul!=kFoZ)%!9Ytr%xS,%\XHT`<`|JB\ GEc6!ERG`4!+)^2?\7d{xuQMym*Jap,CMSC]3X#u_,u3oNaAU+aQFe[FoCJ>>Q(a U+EG0Blu$:fWEj+usu@bv1>d?3ZJR?/"_yl0 X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 733 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #733 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 12:59:24 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 733 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 728 88 votes amui8 joy92 8itmb muic6 7emwd 5aaty cntdb apzd5 5azsa 7grsa 728 3.0 mean 2.9 2.4 3.1 2.4 3.3 3.9 2.9 2.8 3.3 3.2 --- 733-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry, I'm going to have to side with your mother on that one. You can } have your keyboard back when you finish paying for the broken window. --- 733-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, the one who sees all and knows all, please accept > this humble question from thy grovelling supplicant... > > Why is Windows 95 Beta so bug-ridden it's not funny? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THE SCENE: A dark antechamber of the Gates estate, dimly lit by three } 20" monitors suspended from the ceiling. In the middle of the room is } a Pentium/100Hz, sheathed in a black casing. Three programmers dance } around the machine, chanting horribly. Their pale, clammy complexion } is cast hideously by the light of the monitors, rendered even more } repugnant to the watchful eye bye the 60Hz flicker of the monitors. } } FIRST PROGRAMMER: Thrice the brinded net hath mewed. } } SECOND PROGRAMMER: Thrice, and once the Warp-pig whined. } } THIRD PROGRAMMER: MacHarpier cries. 'Tis time, 'tis time! } } FIRST: Round about the terminal go; } In the poisoned upgrade throw. } Code, which by a student done } In minutes numbering sixty-one. } Run-time error, protection fault, } Crash ye first, crash ye shalt. } } ALL [as they dance around the Pentium]: } Double, double, toil and trouble; } Tempers burn and data bubble. } } SECOND: Fillet of a Sound Card bake, } In the Pentium no sound make; } Point of arrow, click of mouse, } Scream of user, frightened spouse, } OS/2's net use appeal, } Steve Jobs' look and Wozniak's feel. } For a charm of powerful trouble, } Like a hell-broth boil and bubble. } } ALL: Double, double, toil and trouble; } Tempers burn and data bubble. } } THIRD: Click "Start" button, speed of slug, } You would think you forgot the plug. } Multitasking, ha ha ho } If just one worked you'd be good to go. } This should grab those straggling few } Who aren't using DOS 6.22. } Now we shall the Mac eclipse, } While curse words cross our users' lips. } Leave the errors in so we can fix } And sell more...Windows 96! } And so we will release the Beta } For corruption of their data. } } ALL: Double, double, toil and trouble; } Users buy, our profits double. } } SECOND: Compile it with errors through, } Since the users have no clue. } } [Enter BillGate to the other three programmers.] } } BillGate: O, well done! I commend your pains, } And everyone shall share i' the gains. } And now about the program get, } But NEVER use it on OUR net. } Security is scarce put in. } [Beeps of PONG heard in the background.] } [Exit BillGate.] } } SECOND WITCH: By the usage of my UMBs } Wicked Windows this way comes. } Open locks, } Whoever knocks! } } [Fade to black.] } } Remember, Obsolescence isn't an accident, it's an art form. } } You owe the Oracle a signed, handwritten manuscript of MacBeth, and a } copy of the Windows upgrade for the P6. --- 733-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, whose sense of humor knows no bounds, who knows the > punchline to every one-liner ever written... > > What is the real reason Maddi Hausman is leaving rec.humor.funny? Will > that newsgroup ever be the same without her as the moderator? Would > you consider taking over that job? > > Your excessively worried supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The comings and going of the *lesser* newgroups are of no consequence } to me. I cannot understand why they would be of consequence to anyone } else. There is only ONE newgroup and ONE moderator of consequence. } Here's looking at me kid. } } You owe the Oracle an apology for fooling around. --- 733-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: Dammit, still nothing. Loki, are you *sure* you got } real virgin's blood? I mean, they're so rare these days... } } Loki: YES, I got real virgin's blood. I've done this before, } you know. } } [A pentagram is inscribed on the floor, with a black candle } burning with an eerie black flame at each vertex. Just outside } the pentagram, by the candles, stand The Oracle, Loki, Anubis, } Shiva, and Baal. Various animal parts, bodily fluids, and } other unmentionables are scattered around the pentagram.] } } Oracle: But you remember the rules: it has to be a virgin who } had the opportunity to not be a virgin, i.e. no young children } or computer geeks. } } Loki: YES, I KNOW THE RULES! } } Baal: Well, we must be doing something wrong. Are you sure that's } a *raven's* skull, Anubis? Looks a bit small to me. More like a } magpie's. } } Shiva: Yeah, he's the new one here. A-newbie! Ha ha ha ha! } } Oracle: Stop fighting everyone! We have to get this right. } I mean, look. The Big Guy goes on a three-year vacation and leaves } us in charge. And what happens? Clinton's the president. Newt's } the speaker. I mean, we already screwed things up pretty bad. } But now this. } } Anubis: California. } } Oracle: Yes. According to the "Disaster of the Month Club" } California is supposed to get a new disaster every month. We } started out OK--earthquake, fires, floods. But now we can't } conjure up a simple minor demon to torment California. } } Loki: Hey! Aren't you the Usenet Oracle? } } Oracle: Yes. You owe the Oracle your point, and a better } grovel than "Hey!" } } Shiva: Aw, come on. Grovelling is fine for your mortal } supplicants, but we're all equal here, right? } } Oracle: I think that question is best answered by demonstration. } I notice your question lacks a grovel entirely. } } [The black flame on the candle in front of Shiva begins to } grow larger, darkening the entire room. When Shiva realizes } what is happening, he starts to fight back. For an instant } the flame grows a bit smaller, but then it leaps up and } engulfs Shiva. After a few seconds and an almost inaudible } "zot," the flame returns to its normal size. Nothing is } left where Shiva stood.] } } Loki: Oh well. He was always a little too tame for me, } anyway. My point was, if you're the Usenet Oracle...I } mean, oh magnificent Oracle, whose wisdom outshines the } twenty-four sages of Bombay, if you're the Usenet Oracle, } doesn't that mean you're omniscient? } } Oracle: Yes. You owe the Oracle a medium pepperoni pizza. } (The Oracle is getting hungry.) } } Loki: So, oh exceptional Oracle, who can quote lines from } every episode of all four Star Trek series, don't you } *know* why this summoning isn't working? } } Oracle: Yes. You owe the Oracle genetic analysis of } the bird skull to determine whether it really is a raven } or not. } } Loki: And so, most-taxing-to-my-patience Oracle, WHY DON'T YOU } TELL US WHY IT ISN'T WORKING! } } Oracle: BECAUSE NONE OF YOU IDIOTS ASKED ME! You're such an } expert on "the rules," you should know I can't impart my } wisdom unless someone asks! You owe the Oracle your next question! } } Loki: Why isn't the summoning working? } } Oracle: It took you long enough to ask that! Since I was } waiting so long, I'll ignore the lack of a grovel. The } summoning isn't working because we're missing the wisdom } tooth of a warlock. It needs to go at the third vertex, } next to the scarab of a Pharaoh who was poisoned by his } daughter-in-law. You owe the Oracle--get this--the wisdom } tooth of a warlock. } } And *you* owe the Oracle a god to replace Shiva. One who } doesn't make bad puns on "Anubis." --- 733-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh oracle wise and wonderful please tell me why does the grass > grow????????????? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Grass was created by God as a tool to guarantee the continued } existence of man by giving men ammunition in arguments with } their female counterparts. Consider the following dialogue in } the current grass growing world: } } Female: (Hands on hips) You never do anything to help around } here! I am sick and tired of your lazy a**! You're about as } useless as a woodchuck. } } Male: (Sitting on sofa, using a tone of voice one would expect } from someone who was boasting of having carnal knowledge of } a supermodel) Oh, YEAH? Well I have to mow the lawn every } week! } } Female: Oh like that is doing anything! Big deal! (Continue ad } nauseaum) } } Now, humble supplicant, consider the same argument in a world } where grass didn't grow. } } Female: (Hands on hips) You never do anything to help around } here! I am sick and tired of your lazy a**! You're about as } useless as a woodchuck. } } Male: (Expression of deer staring into headlights) Uhhhhh... } } (Female grabs scissors) } } It: Ouch. } } You owe the Oracle a bag of Weed-N-Feed. --- 733-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Michael Nolan The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > doo doo doo, doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo, doo > doo doo, doo doo, louie louie, oh,oh oh oh me gotta go. yeah, yeah, > yeah, yeah yeah yeah. louie louie, oh, no, oh oh, me gotta go. doo doo > yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Meow meow meow meow, } meow meow meow meow, } meow meow meow meow MEOW meow meow meow. } } MEOW meow meow meow, } MEOW meow meow meow, } meow meow meow meow MEOW meow meow meow } } That's right - cats love Meow Mix with the great taste } of chicken guts and tuna - and you are a DUMMY for } submitting such stuff to the Oracle! What, are you } so BORED that you have nothing better to do but sit and } call the Oracle and just type gibberish into the machine? } Those aren't even SONG lyrics, for cryinoutloud!! Where's } the "Wop Bop-a-loo-bob A-wop-bam-boo" that the Oracle was } waiting for? And a vague request to "let you go????" All } Right! You're let go! Go away! Begone! Hence! The Oracle } doesn't want to keep you, or even touch you. Out! Take } your people and go! } } Any further such malfeasance on your part, highly insulting } to the dignity of the Oracle, will merit not only punishment } to the full extent of the law, but also the CURSE of the Oracle. } And buddy, you don't want to get the curse of the Oracle anywhere } near you, because it'll sting your butt worse than a Philadelphia } lawyer. Your armpits will swell up like melons. Certain parts } of your body, best not described in a family publication, } will start to look noticeably like cheese. Your ugly, heretical } tongue will get so big that the top of your head will pop } off like a broken Pez container. And the woodchucks; man, you } don't even want to *hear* about the woodchucks. } } You owe the Oracle about nine hundred times more money than } there is in the world. The Oracle has spoken. --- 733-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does sand clap? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, no, my son, you misunderstood the story. Listen again: } } Many years ago, a young farm boy named Wong from the provice of } Szechuan decided to seek enlightenment as a Zen master. When he } learned that the wisest teachers of Zen were to be found in a school } outside Kyoto, he set out on foot for Japan with only his walking } staff and his dog. } } After many days of walking and sea passage purchased with all the } money he had, he reached Kyoto, and in a mixture of broken Japanese } and sign language was directed to the monastery. } } The monks agreed to take him as a postulant, but insisted that his } dog was not allowed. But after Wong cogently argued that his dog, } too, had the Buddha nature, it was permitted to join its master. } } One day when the dog was roaming in the nearby woods, it discovered } a horde of tasty mushrooms, which it promptly devoured. Little did } it know that this was a rare species of bioluminescent fungus. } } That night, all the monks were gathered for meditation in the courtyard } when they noticed Wong's dog squatting and howling in pain. As they } stared aghast, they saw it depositing a monstrous lump of glowing } fecal material. } } "Aiee!!" said the monks. "What is the hound of Wong-san crapping?!!" } } And Wong was immediately enlightened. --- 733-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most wise and sapient, your humble servant entreats you to > impart knowledge (we call it "skills transfer") regarding the following > question: > > I have noticed that whenever a machine is not working properly or is > otherwise non-functional, someone usually says that it is "out of > whack." What is this "whack" and how can we be assured of a better > supply of this obviously necessary item? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There is an eternal spring of whack at the center of the universe. } That is where all functionality originates. Problems can arise when } there is either a) a blockage in the whackquaduct or b) when the guy } gets whack mixed up with order. The same machine cannot, by the laws } of physics, function on both whack and order. Likewise, if you see a } sign that says "Out of Order" it probably means that the machine is } overfilled with whack. --- 733-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much wool could Chuck Woolery chuck if Chuck Woolery could chuck > wool? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } About 17 bales over a 19 foot height until his arms got tired. --- 733-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where did they go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1) Young girls picked them, every one. } } 2) An asteroid fell from the sky, throwing up a huge cloud of vapour } and dust which blocked out the sun. } } 3) They were replaced by cd's, which had better sound quality. } } 4) An uncharted desert isle, for fifteen years (the tour was originally } only supposed to last three hours). } } 5) Taken husbands, every one. } } 6) The Delta quadrant. } } 7) They were replaced by push-button phones, which were more } convenient. } } 8) Plymouth, Massachusetts (though they had been aiming for Virginia). } } 9) West, young man. (And they did indeed grow with the country.) } } 10) Canaan (but it took them forty years to make it there).