From oracle-request Sun Feb 19 11:24:25 1995 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA21073; Sun, 19 Feb 1995 11:24:25 -0500 Date: Sun, 19 Feb 1995 11:24:25 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #712 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 712 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #712 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 19 Feb 1995 11:24:25 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 712 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 707 91 votes 8lqoc 8oyl4 9qsm6 cAlg6 9ltma srma4 4kwob alwia 5izmb clAg6 707 2.9 mean 3.1 2.9 2.9 2.6 3.0 2.3 3.2 3.0 3.2 2.8 --- 712-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and Powerful Oracle, please spare a meager morsel of wisdom for > this your humble supplicant: > > I just bought a cured ham. What did it have? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Swine flu. } } You owe the oracle a $150 consultation fee (insurance accepted). --- 712-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > where can I find more informations about > visioneer's PaperPort 2.0 (mac compatible) > in Switzerland ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, PaperPort. You probably don't know this, but the first, shareware } version of PaperPort was written by Lisa's 12-year-old nephew Doug, } who's as geekish and hackerly as Lisa is sleek and worldly. } } Doug had an early-morning bicycle paper route, but his performance } suffered from his terrible absent-mindedness. He would goof up and } throw the paper right onto the doorstep of customers who never tipped } him, while aiming the Sunday Times at the pile of dog poop on the porch } of the lady who gave him the $20 Christmas bonus. He would zoom like } hell past the house with the hyperactive Chihuahua and then absently } cruise past the one with the free-ranging manic-depressive pit bull and } be lucky to escape with half his trousers. He would forget the house } number of the community college coed who always left her shade halfway } up and spend fifteen minutes waiting for a balding fifty-year-old to } step out of the shower buck naked. And if he remembered to stick a } memo paper in his back pocket before leaving, it was a sure bet he'd } lose it to a puddle or the snapping teeth of his friend the pit bull } before he was halfway through the route. } } So he got out his tools and soldered a mounting bracket for his } Radio Shack Model 100 to the handlebars of his bike, wired a } flashlight over it for illumination, and sat down to write a } BASIC program he could use to record all his route numbers, } subscription payments, and important information. PaperPort 1.0 } was little more than a glorified spreadsheet: } } *------------------------------------------------------------* } | Name | Address | Owes | Comments | } |---------|--------------------------------------------------| } | Smith | 345 Water | $5.50 | Doberman can't jump fence | } | Perkins | 123 Juniper| $0.00 | daughter with *big* tits | } | Frumkin | 2240 Palm | $21.00!| jogger, can run fast enuf | } | | | | to catch a bike! | } *------------------------------------------------------------* } } You probably do know the rest of the story--how he first sold the } program to a few friends, then incorporated, finally got bought } out by Novell--how PaperPort 1.5 added all sorts of bells and } whistles, like AI-driven software for charting the shortest routes } and best paper-throwing trajectories, a modem interface for } automatic-dialing harrassment of past due customers, a thumbnail-.GIF } directory for photos taken with the optional mini-spy camera, etc. } } PaperPort 2.0 introduced the international modules, and I believe } you'll find the distributor of the Swiss version in Bern. The Swiss } version, of course, not only has four-language support (including } Romansch!), but does probability-function calculations for } avalanche danger per route and includes optional .WAV files of } alpenhorn calls for kids with portable multimedia units who } need to wake up behind-hand subscribers with a reminder that } their payment is overdue. } } You owe the Oracle a couple of those spy-camera shots of Swiss } milkmaids... --- 712-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and mighty Oracle, namesake of a large commercial database, who > when addressed backward is known as "Elcaro", please answer this simple > question: > > Why do computers keep catching fire while I'm using them? Once, well > it was just a freak thing. Twice? A coincidence. But THREE times? > Is there a force of evil at work here? What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, yeah. That database thing. Did you _really_ have to remind me of } that? Their damn lawyers are _so_ tenacious. We'll be working things } out for years until they finally change that damn name. Then where will } all those Unix file servers be, with all those "oracle" directories set } up that will need to be changed? There will be lots of work for nerd } consultants. Think about it. } } Anyway, I digress. The answer to your question is yes, there is a force } of evil at work there. Evil is an insidious, wretched thing. A force } not to be dealt with by amateurs. I will, however, give you an } incantation that you can use to fight off this curse. Do things exactly } as I say, and everything should work out fine. } } What you'll have to gather is: } } The little paper liner from the inside of the most important floppy } disk you have. } } Three push pins. } } A flag from Latvia. } } A photo of the system manager. } } Some of that mysterious yellow gravy from your school cafeteria. } } The letters F,R,O,S,T and Y from a defunct keyboard. } } Okay. now sit down in front of a large photo of James Joyce facing you. } Place the items on a table in front of you, and cover them with the } Latvian flag. Careful, here's where it gets tricky: } } Repeat after me: } } Smiling, laughing, rabbits of stone. } Frosty bits froze by a Crone. (that one hurts to say...) } Disks filled with data we loath. } Memory always inclined toward growth. } Three times your evil has struck. } Flaming users and roots mired in muck. } Pentium spirits be gone from here. } For the name of Elcaro you fear! } } Well, that should do it. Be sure to clean up all that mess on the } table. Especially the gravy. you never know what that stuff will do to } paint. } } You owe the Oracle the home address of that damn database company's } head lawyer. --- 712-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Supreme Oracle; I know it is not my place to > question your exalted authority. However, I feel that you > may have made an error in judgment lately, and do humbly > request that you listen to my plea. > > I recently was witness to your zotting of #QA91217. It > was a beautiful sunny day and I was crossing the street at > 5th Avenue and Main Street when suddenly ... a giant bolt of > lightning came down from the sky and stuck #QA91217 in the > head while he was waiting for a bus. He fell on the ground > and rolled around, screaming in excruciating pain. Flopped > around like a fish out of water for about three minutes, > holding his head with the care you'd give a new born baby. > Unfortunately, there was a doctor near by that was able > stabilize the man's condition. By the time an ambulance > arrived, he was up and about and refused medical treatment. > He was still a little disoriented and stumbled a little bit > as he walked away, but basically ... he was okay. > > What were you thinking? I mean ... three measly minutes > of pain. That's all? I know of #QA91217, he deserves more > than that, MUCH more! He has not suffered near enough! I > pray to you magnificent Oracle ... please, please, please > punish #QA91217 more; a great deal more. If you want, I > would gladly be the instrument by which you administer his > agonizing punishment. Just give me a sign, and I will > severely torture him with great expediency; hopefully leaving > him with life long injuries and disabilities. I will make > you proud of me, you'll see. Please give me a sign, any kind > of sign. > > Your humble supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } I read your well written letter and decided that I had better } check the records on #Qa91217. And you are correct, he did deserve } a much larger punishment that what you perceived. Rest assured, } supplicant, that the Oracle DID take care of business the first } time. First of all, #Qa91217 was put on an automatic timer that } zots him on a regular basis. As a matter of fact, he should be } getting one right about } } <> } } now. Good. Additionally, each ZOT has different effects on him. } The one you saw, for example, made him think that he had worms } eating his brain. (Actually, there WERE worms eating his brain, } but the effects were only temporary.) Another good one is to } inflate his tongue to 5 times its normal size so that it sticks } out of his mouth and severely inhibits his breathing. Sometimes, I } like to make him just think he's been zotted even though I've } actually done nothing to him, it really messes with his psyche. } But my all time favorite, which is inflicted no less than 3 times } per week, is to let him actually know how great an entity I am. It } has effects that dwarf actually comprehending infinity. } } So you see, supplicant, the Oracle knows his business. For you, } though, since you wrote such a nice letter, } } <> } } he just got another one. (I've made him give off a scent so that } male dogs think is a female in heat.) } } As for your sign, I've loosened the bolts on the no parking one } around the corner from your house, just go by after midnight } tonight and pick it up. } } You owe the Oracle an Iron Maiden. --- 712-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh great and glorious oracle, whose name i am not even worthy enough to > capitalize, please tell me how to use shared memory. > > your humble supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Humble supplicant, } } The use of shared memory is influenced by two main factors, namely; } 1) Who you share it with, and 2) What filing system you use. } } To address the first point: } Theres absolutely no point in approaching someone and saying "Ah, } do you remember Paris in the springtime?" if they have never been there } with you (or if they have never been there with you in the springtime, } or if they've forgotten they've been there etc.). So the first criterion } when attempting to share a memory with someone is to ensure they know } * who you are, } * what you are talking about, and } * why. } } More importantly, *check you both use the same filing system*: } Memory is triggered by various stimuli, and it can sometimes } be difficult, even when you've found a good candidate to share a memory } with, to ensure that they are remembering the same features of the } event, or indeed the same event. This can sometimes be dangerous to the } inexperienced. The odour of a badly tamed sewer may bring to your mind } that glorious walk beside the Seine (in Paris, in the springtime), but } it may only bring to your partners mind the rather messy final illness } of her childhood pet, or perhaps the fact that they later fell into } the same river (in Paris etc), or merely that you have forgotten to } unblock the drains again... So, it is imperative to make certain that } you not only both have the same memory, but that its replay is set off } by the same stimuli. This may require subtle prompting, setting the } appropriate mood, or possibly extensive psychosurgical reconditioning. } } Finally, having found the right co-remembrant and carefully brought } the appropriate memory to the forefront of their awareness, you are } ready to share memory. Maintain a respectful and attentive stance, eyes } shut to allow events to replay more clearly and avoid distractions, } and enjoy... } } You may experience initial compatibility problems - you may be } remembering at different speeds, or initiating memory out of phase, } but with practice and perseverance you may attain the final goal of } simultaenious shared memory. } } You owe the Oracle 2 return tickets to a decent hotel in Paris. --- 712-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ...if I strapped some buttered toast to the back of a cat, and dropped > the cat from a height, what would happen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First there would be a knock on your door from an officer of the } local Humane Society with a warrant for your arrest. The charge } would be wreckless endangerment of an animal for the satisfaction of } personal curiousity. } } On the surface this is the classic Nature's law versus Murphy's law } conundrum. Cat's feet versus buttered side of toast. In this case the } toast is an inanimate object unable to affect the course of events. } The cat however must choose between two actions. Should it try to } land on its feet or get the toast off its back? A clever cat knows } that if the toast is strapped on it will still be there at the end of } the journey and will try to land on his feet. The Oracle has never } seen a dumb cat. } } You owe the Oracle a splendid grovel. In your excitement, after } finally coming up with a question, to get your e-mail sent you forgot } the most important part of the exchange. --- 712-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's so great about "Nirvana"??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It depends. If you mean Nirvana, the rock group, the answer is very } little. } } If you mean Nirvana, the ultimate level of consciosness, then if you } have to ask the question, you wouldn't understand the answer. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Tibetan book of the Dead, autographed } by the author. --- 712-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh powerful oracle, who never has to worry about getting a date, answer > this humble suplicant... > > I'm really in love with this girl in Texas, and she loves me, but right > now we can't get together because of school, parents, and money. Will > we ever get together? And what will become of us? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, of course not! No matter how many questions come in at once, I } never get mixed up and send somebody the answer to somebody elses } question! I'm deeply offended that you would even ask that. } } You owe the Oracle an apology. --- 712-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, tell me > What is the longest way to enlightenment? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Eh? What's that, sonny? You want to go to Enwrightsville? You } can't get there from... } } Lightfield? No town in these parts got a name like Lightfield. } } Oh, sorry, sonny, my ears ain't been the same since the Voodoo Lounge } tour came through. } } You say you want to go to enlightenment? Well, why didn't you say so? } } Take County Road 147 until you get to Philosophy, then turn hard right } and pass through Nietzscheville and Kantstown. If you see a big sign } that says "Hegelian Dialectics and Groceries", you've gone too far. } Gotta turn around. } } Turn off the road at an unmarked path, right after the Krishna } standing with the pamphlets. Keep going on that until you see a } big church to the left. You might ask directions from someone there, } but if I never understood a damn thing they ever said. } } You followin' me so far, son? Ayuh. So how far did I get? The } aquarium? Oh, right, the church. Say, which part of enlightenment } are you trying to get to? It matters, you know. If you're going } to Nirvana, you don't want to take the Endless Cycle -- that'll take } you way out of your way. } } So you're going along, and... wait, this is the way to } self-enlightment. Sorry, that's completely wrong, you want to go to } plain enlightenment. } } No, you can't get there from here. --- 712-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me why English soccer fans are so stupid. Why do they > think a football match entails throwing of chairs and planks of wood. > Please help as I am confused as to why this happens. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Considering that their empire has collapsed, their next king is } a doofus, their country is being invaded by French Chunnel } commandos, and their footbal teams always lose, it's a wonder } they don't throw themselves off the cliffs of Dover.