From oracle-request Fri Dec 16 12:43:34 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA29982; Fri, 16 Dec 1994 12:43:34 -0500 Date: Fri, 16 Dec 1994 12:43:34 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #700 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 700 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #700 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 16 Dec 1994 12:43:34 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 700 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 695 80 votes egpg9 mleh6 abjpf fdjhg hvk93 6iqic 9emnc 5gxj7 fjva5 blpad 695 2.9 mean 2.9 2.5 3.3 3.1 2.4 3.1 3.2 3.1 2.6 2.9 --- 700-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, with your infinite wisdom, tell me what will be next weeks > lottery numbers? > > (I case you don't know, someone has won 15 million pounds (sterling) > on the lottery, here in Britain. All you have to do is pick 6 numbers > between 1 and 49 inclusive... So far I haven't been able to guess a > single number :( ) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I refuse to answer this question! In a 7 line question, you managed } to commit 5 gramatical errors. That's one for every 11 words! This } is ridiculous. And you want me to pick some magic number "42" out of } a hat so that you can win 15 million pounds of metal? That's about } the 28th time someone's asked me for lottery numbers, and I'm hardly } starting now. } } If you win, you owe the Oracle half your winnings. --- 700-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > HP Laserjet 4 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 4 printing data U silly supplicant. --- 700-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear wise oracle! > Do you like Denmark? > Do you know Hans Christian Andersen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hold it... only one question per supplication. So, to save bandwidth, } I will compact your questions into the allowed number: } } Your question now is: } } > Do you know [if] Denmark likes Hans Christian Andersen? } } Much more manageable. } } Actually, yes, Denmark likes H.C.Andersen. Hans, as we call him } around here, was one of the greatest painters of his time (not to } be confused with the H.C.A. who was the poet/author) and Denmark } (not to be confused with the country) had his portrait done by Hans. } Denmark loved this painting so much that he hired Hans to be his } personal 'artiste' (Denmark was a little French). Denmark had Hans } paint a great many pictures in the last few years - until, that is, } Hans started showing symptoms of arthritis. But Denmark still likes } Hans and has given Hans a room in Denmark's own house to live out his } last days. } } You owe the Oracle some arthritis creme. --- 700-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, whose odor is more enticing even than that of the > very best hand-made chocolates, and whose wisdom spans the globe, > please enlighten your unworthy supplicant: > > I learned in school that humans evolved in Africa and Asia. We also > know that chocolate is native to the Americas. How, then, did we > humans come to have a programmed response to the smell of chocolate > in only a few centuries? And how can I use it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mostly, it's the fault of the Nestle Company, who started marketing } their Toll House chips in third world countries in Africa and Asia even } before there were any first and second world countries. You see, Nestle } started the Toll House in the early days of evolution, charging a toll } for vertebrates who wanted to cross the various land bridges between } the continents. Naturally, this caused a lot of unrest among the } dinosaurs, who complained that they were being unfairly discriminated } against, since the aquatic vertebrates simply avoided the toll by } swimming around the Toll Houses. } } Well, I won't bore you with the story about why the dinosaurs became } extinct when they had some trouble multiplying due to a batch of } defective chips. And you're probably not interested in the fact that, } to this day, box turtles and lizards still won't buy anything from } Nestle. Let's just skip ahead to about 4,998,763 million years BC, when } humans had just evolved, and eve's drop on what they're saying, shall } we? } } Adam: I still don't understand what happened there. Can you explain it } again? } } Eve: Okay. On Tuesday, I saw the serpents lying together in the grass. } That gave me the idea for what I had us try on Tuesday night. But then } the Man kicked us out of the garden for doing it in public, and in a } fit of P.C.-ness He said that we should call what we did "eating the } forbidden fruit." He also said that we should say, "going to the } bathroom," and "Contract with America," too. } } Adam: Hmmmmm. I don't like euphemisms, but I guess we've got to stay on } His good side now. So what are we supposed to do now? } } Eve: Well, He said, "Go forth and multiply." Let's just keep walking } until we get somewhere good. The ground is too rocky here, and there } isn't any good shade. } } Adam: That's not quite what I meant. I meant, what should we do about } being kicked out of the garden? } } Eve: Well, there's not much we can do about getting back in, but I've } been having some ideas about some variations on what we did to get } _out_. } } Adam: That'll have to wait until later. Do you see that building ahead? } It looks like it says, "Nestle Toll House" on the sign. } } Eve: Darn! I don't have any quarters, since they won't be invented for } another 5 million years or so. } } Toll Collector: Well, if you don't have any quarters, we'll have to try } something else. Do you mind if we alter your genetic material? } } Adam: What do you mean by that? } } Eve: Oh, don't worry about it, Adam! It's probably nothing serious. } } Toll Collector: That's right! It's nothing serious. It just means that } your descendants will have a tendency to become addicted to chocolate, } coffee, tobacco, alcohol, and a few other things. Oh, yes, and video } games, too. } } Adam: Sounds fair. } } So that's how it happened. Now, if you still want to take advantage of } all this, do what I did: Buy Nestle stock back in the Precambrian Era } and get in on the ground floor! I just didn't get enough of it when I } had the chance. } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as g. t. ) enough } Nestle stock so that I can get them to change their ways. --- 700-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Charles M. Hannum" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you were in a car travelling the speed of light, what would happen > when you turned the headlights on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If I was in a car traveling the speed of light, I would have turned on } the lightlong before, since it would be best to do this at night since } there is less traffic, and those cops get real obnoxious when you drive } without headlights. } } Cop: Allright, Do you know how fast you were going? } } You: 300,000,000 meters per second? } } Cop: Okay ,wise-boy, don't you know you can't do that in this universe? } } You: No sir... } } Cop: Ignorance is no excuse. Not only did you break the speed limit. } you didn't have any headlights on. Did you even SEE that stop } sign back there? I bet you didn't. Get out of the car please. } } You: But officer... } } Cop: Have you been drinking boy? } } You: No officer... } } Cop: Yeah Right, first you say you were going the speed of light, next } you are probably going to start spouting some stuff about a } Woodchuck. You have the right to remain silent.... } } So you see, you should turn them on BEFORE you drive at the speed of } light. Otherwise you get a ticket, and a lovely night in the drunk } tank. } } You owe the Oracle a blood alcohol test and a Physics textbook. --- 700-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Alan M. Gallatin" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise one, > > just stop bugging me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Mr. Rhodes, if you'd given a bit of forethought to the } possible consequences of your actions, you wouldn't have to worry } about that, now would you? } } You are currently being bugged by no less than 17 monitoring } agencies, including the NSA, FBI, CIA, and two MBA's from WSU. } } Don't like it? Perhaps you should contract a legal firm to } intercede on your behalf. I'd like to recommend the firm of } Canter and Seigel, as I understand that they are low on clients, } have some really good rates, and definitely have a vested } interest in setting precedence in this case. Hell, if you lose, } they'll even help you move to a foreign country! } } You owe the Oracle a list of ways to spend all of the dough he's } going to make using this new Make Money Fast plan that he found } on rec.arts.movies, alt.romance, and every other board he reads. --- 700-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh wise oracle; > How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could > chuck wood? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle> BE HEALED!!!!! HOLY LORD, RECLAIM THIS TORMENTED SOUL } FROM THE CLUTCHES OF SATAN!!!! } } Supplicant> How much wood could a woodchuck chuck.... } } O> Obviously didn't hit him hard enough. BE HEALED!!! } } } S> How much wood... } } O> I SAID BE H*E*A*L*E*D!!! } } } S> Uhhh... How much wood... } } O> BE HEALED!!!!! [Mushroom cloud rises over supplicant's city of } abode. A moment of silence and...] } } O> Another convert from the woodchuck cult. } } THE END....? --- 700-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose shoelaces I am unworthy to tie, > > I'm curious about something. In the song "Auld Lang Syne" they tell us > that old aquaintence should be forgot [sic]. That seems like a strange > concept to me. Personally, I thought we ought to forget about our old > animosities, and remember the acquaintences. Can you please tell me > what the reasoning behind this is? Thank you! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Once upon a time, there was this guy. His name was Sang Lyne. } He fell in love with this beautiful woman. I don't remember the } woman's name, though. Doesn't matter... Anyhow, she was a musician. } She wrote the music, and left the lyrics to someone else. Why did } she do this? She missed the grammar and spelling portion of her high } school English class because she was ill. That doesn't matter, either. } All we know is that she couldn't spell. Anyhow, Sang and the woman } (whose name is unknown) fell in love, and she wrote a song for him. } Well, Sang wanted to know what the lyrics were. So the woman, armed } with a dictionary, set about writing the lyrics. Well, the dictionary } did her no good, because she needed to be able to spell the word } in order to use it. So she did the best she could. She wrote and } she wrote, and then she was done. The line you are referring to was } originally "All complacence be forgot." Why this? The woman had no } clue what to write, so she started picking phrases. And of course, } the whole song was misspelled, including the title, "Lang Syne." } Well, Sang got pretty angry that she couldn't even spell his name } right, and he left her. She was devastated. She became depressed, } and even suicidal, until another friend of hers told her that Sang } was really too old for her, and she was better off without him. } The friend also told her to forget him. She agreed, and didn't think } about him for a while. } In about a year, the woman learned of Sang's death. She started } remembering him, and she dug out the song she had written. She read } the lyrics, and she thought of some revisions. First, Sang Lyne was } an old guy, so she thought that she should mention that. Also, she } didn't really know what that line about complacence was there for, } because it made no sense. She realized that, and replaced it with } "Old acquaintance be forgot," because she felt that made more sense. } Of course it was misspelled as well. But that's how that line came } to be. --- 700-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh pondorous and expert oraclular hacker.... > > This supplicant is attempting to write code in Paradox 5.0 for > Windows and is slowly slipping into madness....What is the purpose > of Containership and why would anyone want to use it? > > You most humble and meek servant, ObjectPAL Sucks.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *Sigh*. Adapting to the new world order hasn't been easy for any of us, } but you ought to at least make an effort. Adopting the proper forms of } address for our new masters is a good first step. } } Basically, "Containership" is the proper way to refer to any member of } the ruling house of Tupperware. For example, the fruit-salad container } who currently rules half of Europe is addressed as "Your Imperial } Containership", while any of the Stay-Sealed (tm) bins in his } parliament is addressed as "Your Most Honorable Containership." } } There are other titles you should learn how to use. For example, the } Lord Mayor of your town is probably related to the Tupperware line } in some way -- he is, perhaps, a plastic egg-tray, or may be a member } of the bastard Saran line. In either case, he is to be addressed as } "Your plasticity". } } As to the "purpose" of using all of these titles -- well, it is always } a good idea to be as polite as possible to those in charge. You may } yearn for the days when human beings, not Tupperware containers, ruled } the planet, but those days are gone. If you keep being rude to your } betters, you will probably end up writing Windows software for the rest } of your life. Keep a civil tongue in your head, and you may eventually } be promoted to work in the salt mines. } } You owe the Oracle a marriage of convenience with a jello-bowl. --- 700-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most exalted Oracle, seer and knower of all, > > Can you give me an idea for a really original and nifty christmas > present for my mother, for about the price of a set of crystal > glassware? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I could, but it wouldn't do much good: she's still not going } to forgive you for putting them down the garbage disposal } after hearing Beavis and Butthead speculate that it would } make cooler noise than a pet hamster would. } } You owe the Oracle an indelible forehead warning label } for teenagers.