From oracle-request Fri Feb 25 08:44:05 1994 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA29566; Fri, 25 Feb 1994 08:44:05 -0500 Date: Fri, 25 Feb 1994 08:44:05 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #631 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 631 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #631 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 25 Feb 1994 08:44:05 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 631 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 626 64 votes hxa31 aekd7 hsb53 77gmc dne77 3bqh7 5gamb 4bgmb 1bpj8 9gddd 626 2.9 mean 2.0 2.9 2.2 3.4 2.6 3.2 3.3 3.4 3.3 3.1 --- 631-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who knows just how to have fun, > > What's the best way to let a professor know that he's boring > you to tears? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Do any or all of the following: } } THE GREAT ORACLE TOP TEN LIST OF THINGS TO DO TO LET YOUR PROFESSOR } KNOW HE'S BORING YOU TO TEARS(TM) } } 10. Pretend you have tourette's syndrome! Be as vulgar and as loud as } you can. Jerk lots, too. Whoops are okay, but screaming vulgarities } and blaming it on the problem is more pruductive, and your prof is less } likely to ignore you. } } 9. Play Pick-up-stix(tm) on the floor. Swear real loud whenever you } touch one of the other stix. } } 8. When (s)he's stopped speaking for a while to write a long } formula/paragraph on the board/overhead, say loudly, "Ehhhhhhh, } shaddup!" in your best Bugs Bunny voice. } } 7. If there's ever a time where the prof takes questions, raise your } hand as stealthily as you can. When the prof wraps it up without } answering your "question", storm out of the room muttering, "I tell ya, } I get no respect!" } } 6. Pretend you've got a laptop in your briefcase, and "play" a } computer game. A joystick is extra helpful here. } } 5. Send a note to the dumb blonde from Texas, saying "turn over" on } both sides. It won't do anything productive, but it'll make the time } go faster, and maybe she'll be impressed by your cleverness after you } explain it to her, and you'll have a hot date! } } 4. Listen to 1812 Overture REALLY loud on your walkman, loud enough so } many people can hear it, but bang your head real fast and grimace as if } it was Slayer you were listening to. } } Variation: Bang your head and grimace, etc. while you don't even } have a walkman. } } 3. Start the wave. } } 2. Yell, "YOU SUCK, LETTERMAN, YOU REALLY SUCK!!" } } 1. CRY!!! } } You owe it to yourself to try at least two of these. --- 631-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > >O Oracle, tell me if I'll get Renee And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only if you stop putting Descartes before da horse. --- 631-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Perceptive, Pleasant, Perfect, Pernicious, Platitudinous, Pensive, > Pugnacious, Proactive, Pitiless, Prideful, Pugilanimous, Plaintive, > Prompt, Punitive, Purring, Pointed, Proper, Petite, Prancing, > Perambulatory, Peripatetic, Pathetic, Poxed, Preening, Prominent, > Portly, Pining, Pierced, Pontificating, Promiscuous, Prolific > Oracle, prithee tell me: > > Why do my employees play with their PC's all day instead of > doing their work! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmmm ... I hate to be the one to break this to you, supplicant, but } I'm afraid that your employees are under a curse. One of your } competitors, jealous of your success in business, hired a witch to } place a curse upon all who work for you, causing them to believe that } they are engineers, and therefore above such concerns as timeclocks and } deadlines. They will continue to piddle away their time on their games } and newsreaders until the curse is broken. } } However, since I am a very obliging Oracle (and since I do own some } stock in your company), I will tell you how to break the curse. Simply } purchase a large box of doughnuts (get jellies ... engineers can't } resist jellies!) and recite the following spell over it, while waving a } 3.5-inch disk over your head: } } Protocol, Clifford Stoll, } This curse thing is getting old. } Modem links, Power sinks, } Our office productivity stinks. } X-addresses, Peeks and pokes, } Turn my geeks to working folks! } } Then leave the box in the break room and yell "DOUGHNUTS!". Your } office will be back to normal in no time. } } You owe the Oracle a maple bar. One of the ones with custard in it. --- 631-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what is the highest pyramid in the world ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Amway. --- 631-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh master Oracle, > > Can you show me the way to San Jose? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Certainly. Start at the High School of Social Pariahdom. Avoiding } Senior Prom Swamp, proceed to Big City University. Tarry in the Gorge } of Hopeless Drunks for as long as your liver can take it, but beware } the Butt-Headed Goons With Tenure and their enslaved Bitter } Late-Twenties Graduate Zombies. } } You must seize the Sheepskin of Dubious Merit; it may take four to } eight years. You may participate in the traditional Flabby Copulation } Despite Drunken Nausea if you like; even a grotesque sexual experience } is better than remaining a virgin all your life. [It is? -ed.] } } When the Sheepskin of Dubious Merit is within your grasp, the Oozing } Recruiters of the Incontinent Lying Traps will smile upon you and spin } many pretty tales of Industry. Wait until one appears from San Jose. } He will take you the rest of the way. Remember, though, that there is } no going back. } } You owe the Oracle a pack of Dunhills, an outfit all of black, and a } lifetime subscription to _Processed World_. --- 631-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When is a dog too big to be called a puppy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dog breeds vary a lot, so there are no hard and fast rules, but here } are a few pointers: } } If the cat has to get on it's back legs to cut the dog's nose to } ribbons; } } If you can't pass a Korean restaurant without attracting admiring } glances; } } If the back lawn is invisible under the piles of steaming excrement; } } If it won't fit in the microwave to dry off; } } If it can smoke a whole pack of Marlboro without coughing when } inhaling; } } If it attempts to sodomise your leg and gets far enough up too get you } aroused; } } Then it's time to dump it on the freeway and get a kitten instead. } } You owe the Oracle a Chihuahua on a stick and a pooper scooper. --- 631-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oracle please tell me why I like to work on my computer so late in > the night. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, certainly I will. To be quite honest, this is possibly the most } interesting question I've had all year. And it all goes back to the } days when mankind spent most of its time hanging in trees saying 'ook'. } } At about the time Homo Erectus first walked the Earth, mankind split } into two distinct groups. On the one hand there was the standard } hunter-killer type man, who spent his days hunting and killing. Hence } the name. This was the dominant half of the species. However, there was } also the thinking man. These would sit on the ground, write complex } equations in the sand with a stick, eat handfuls of raw coffee beans, } write hand-optimised code for texture mapping, and then get hunted and } killed by the hunter-killer man. } } This section of mankind was driven almost to extinction, because as you } know, when you're looking for a bug in a particularly tricky section of } code, you just don't notice a large drooling guy coming up behind you } and pounding you over the head with a wooly mammoth's thighbone. } However, those few that survived decided they would have to find some } better way of arranging things, so they could stay alive. } } And this they did. They discovered that by eating sufficient raw coffee } beans, they could remain alert all night, and do their work by the } light of the moon. This tradition was known as the 'all-nighter'. And } so by day they could keep watch for hunter-killer men, but by night } they could work. } } Programmers evolved from these thinking men, and the rest of mankind } from the hunter-killers. Occasionally you will find a pure-breed } programmer, although these are becoming more and more rare. These are } the people who sit up all night, overdosing on caffeine and working at } their computers. It sounds like you are one of this rare breed. } Congratulations. } } You owe the Oracle six sacks of raw coffee beans. --- 631-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is she thinking of me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } She multitasks. Currently, she's thinking of moving to Pittsburgh, the } way her grandmother's cucumber curry tasted, justice and its practical } pratfalls online, where the missing socks go to, you, the source of } true wisdom, how to deal with Jehovah's Witnesses, and the lyrics to } "Blinded By The Light" by Manfred Mann. She's also folding junk mail } into paper airplanes. } } The good news is, yes, she's thinking of you. } The bad news is, she's a bit distracted at the moment. } } You owe the Oracle three pints of chocolate soy-milk. --- 631-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dr. Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > | | X > ---|---|--- > | X | > ---|---|--- > O | | And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } from "Wheelbarrows of the Gods," by Erik von Dankeschoen (Cucamonga, } 1974), pp. 183-84: } } ...further evidence for Alien cultural transmission is provided by } the Great Tictactoe Glyph in the Kalahari Desert, discovered by the } 1927 Glueck expedition (Glueck 1929a). Charcoal from buried } campsites evidently associated with the site was 14C-dated to 850- } 920 cal AD, which coincides well with the manuscript evidence of } the 10th-century importation of Tic-Tac-Toe into the Islamic world } by Arab traders who had learned the game along the West African } coast. } } Accelerator mass spectrometry dating of items from individual } squares revealed the drama of the intersteller match. The first } "X" was placed by Kalahari bushmen in the center square. The "O" } was formed some twenty years later, forming an absolutely perfect } circle 10.234 m in diameter, of stones formed from a tungsten- } carbide alloy of extraterrestrial origin. Immediately thereafter } the Bushmen placed the second "X" in the northeast corner. } } We can only speculate that in the intervening millenium, our } heavenly Visitors have devoted the full resources of their } super-human technology to discovering the best possible square } for their second move. We can also speculate--with fear and } trembling--that the fate of human civilization may hang on } our ability to devise a winning response. . . . --- 631-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why did it have to be WESTERN POETRY, of all things? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I told you that the final would } be comprehensive, } Your roommate said if you got me } be apprehensive, } You'd think that these two facts } for a warning would do, } But you wasted all your time on crap } like Physics II, } You thought that you could skate right through } Survey of Lit, } Thought you wouldn't need to study } one little bit, } I know for sure I really stressed } this poetry, } For fifteen minutes near the end } of lecture three, } Too bad you had to turn to me your } ear that's deaf, } See you next semester buddy } here's your "F".