From oracle-request Tue Oct 12 08:11:05 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA28267; Tue, 12 Oct 1993 08:11:05 -0500 Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1993 08:11:05 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #598 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 598 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #598 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1993 08:11:05 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 598 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 593 46 votes 7baf3 5cgc1 4aed5 68gb5 b8f66 16fcc 6cf85 9dca2 58id2 448ge 593 3.0 mean 2.9 2.8 3.1 3.0 2.7 3.6 2.9 2.6 3.0 3.7 --- 598-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, tell me, if Bill & Hillary get a divorce, who > gets to keep the White House, the Furniture, the Kid, and the Cat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If Bill and Hillary get a divorce: } The cat gets the kid, } Hillary gets Bill in the groin with a cleaver, } and the Republicans get the White House, } } You owe the Oracle a date with Nancy Reagan. --- 598-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is there evil in the world and why has it taken the form of Barney > the Dinosaur? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It all stems from the color purple. Purple is inherently evil (just } consider eggplant for example). Wipe out purple and you'll free the } world. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of dye remover and medium-size T Rex. --- 598-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I saw an ad for a Satisfaxion modem. > I'm going to get one, so I can get my rocks off remotely. > What's Madonna's number? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Oracle, wrapped in a chamois bathroom, a fine snifter of } Burgundian brandy warming in his righthand, dutifully types } a five fingered message to the inquirant. It is late. The } tourists have left The Halls of Supernal Bologna, and all of } the students of The Oracle's Real Mid-Western Bible School and } University of Cable Piracy are sequestered, each in his own cell, } pencilling draft versions of future sermons and scams. All the } moniters are dark save this single screen upon which the ORACLE } types. He works quickly, sometimes savoring a choice phrase, } sometimes sipping the warmed liquor. He seems impatient to } finish this final message and return, for the night, to the bedroom } (just upstage left) where, the door ajar, one can see the slow } flicker of candle light and hear, softly and in tune, a woman } softly humming tunes from _Das Gilgamesch-epos_.] } } Hrumph! Don't you think the least little bit of abasement } is called for? Kids! Why I remember when I was your age, } how *I* would grovel. But, oh _no_!, grovelling is too } demeaning for you kids. You get a new bit of hardware and } it's "let's jot a note to the Oracle and ask for some favors" } without so much as a how d'ya do, a genuflect, or nod! } Oh, but we don't care, do we? The Oracle will always answer } back, the Oracle... } } [The Sage Respondant waxes so wroth that he accidentally } knocks over a pile of code he had set for beta-testing } tomorrow. From the inner chamber all humming ceases, and } the woman comes into the room.] } } --Oricky, hunny. Come to bed. The wax is hot. } } --Okay, 'Donny. I've got to answer this message first. } } --If it's Sean, tell him I'm not here. You can do what } you want with him on your own time. But I swore no more } threesomes with him. He's too selfish, and whiny, and... } } --Small? } } --Oricky! You know I don't care about _that_! But, } since you brought it up... } } --No, no. This isn't Sean. Some guy just got a new } hook-up and wants to ftp you, or hook into an on-line } session. } } --Another one! Honestly, the way I suffer for my public... } } --Well, I was just typing out the standard refusal. } } --No, no. It's all those dweeky millions without any dates } that made me what I am. Patch me in. } } --But 'Donny, you're not recovered from the European tour yet. } } --You wouldn't understand. An artist _must_ suffer. } Okay. Lights! Cameras! Let's do this on one take! } } [A crew of camera men and chorus boys appear. Madonna } slips on her Monroe wig as the boys in the band take } up the beat...] } } SOME MAY TIFF AND SOME MAY GIFF } AND TRY TO F-T-P, } THOUGH THEY ASPIRE THEY JUST AIN'T WIRED } TO GET INSIDE OF ME. } } CALLOW BOYS WITH CABLE TOYS } GET HARDER EVERY NIGHT } DREAMING TO GET ACCESS TO } SOME SEXY REMOTE SITE } } 'CAUSE WE'RE LIVING IN A VIRTU-REAL WORLD } AND I AM A VIRTU-REAL GIRL (OH,OH) } YES WE'RE LIVING IN A VIRTU-REAL WORLD } AND I AM A VIRTU-REAL GIRL. } } GOT NO REST, MY IMAGES NESTS } IN RANDOM MEMORY. } BOYISH TROOPS IN ENDLESS LOOPS } TRY TO CONNECT TO ME. } } I FIDGET ALL MY DIGITALS } AND SPREAD MY SWEET SOFTWARE, } BUT THEY DON'T COME WITH RAM OR ROM } WITH RANGE FOR WHAT THEY DARE. } } 'CAUSE WE'RE LIVING IN A VIRTU-REAL WORLD } AND I AM A VIRTU-REAL GIRL (EH,EH) } YES WE'RE ALL LIVING IN A VIRTU-REAL WORLD } AND I AM A VIRTUAL GIRL. } } SO I WAIT FOR SOME HOT CRAY } TO ITERATE MY GLEE. } A SWIVLE ROD WITH BACKBONE-BAUD } COULD GIVE ME PARITY. } } SO SEND ENROUTE A SUPER BRUTE } WITH EVERY MOVE ROUTINE, } WHO'S KERMIT NULL'S NOT TERMINAL. } NOT CRIMINAL, BUT MEAN! } } 'CAUSE WE'RE LIVING IN A VIRTU-REAL WORLD } AND I AM A VIRTU-REAL GIRL. (OH, OH) } I SAID WE'RE LIVING IN A VIRTU-REAL WORLD } AND I AM A VIRTU-REAL GIRL. } } A COLOR FAX OF GOOD HOT WAX, } A SCAN OF WHIPS AND CHAINS, } THE STEAMY SEX OF HYPERTEXT } CAN'T SATISFY MY PAINS. } } SO HACK FOR ME A MACRO KEY, } A HARDWARE SETUP BOX, } AND I'LL PLAY SPORTS THROUGH ALL MY PORTS: } COM1 AND 2 AND AUX. } } 'CAUSE WE'RE LIVING IN A VIRTU-REAL WORLD } AND I AM A VIRTU-REAL GIRL (YEAH, YEAH) } LIVING IN A VIRTU-REAL WORLD } AND I AM A VIRTU-REAL GIRL.... } } (A VIRTU-REAL... A VIRTU-REAL... A VIRTU-REAL...) } } [Fade out, full Dolby.] } } --Okay boys, that's a wrap. See ya all tomorrow. Come on } Oricky, that candle's not gonna wait all night. It'll be } too dark to read soon. } } --Okay, 'Donny. What are we reading tonight? } } --Oh, I'm tired of Herodotus. Why don't we just relax } tonight and do Juvenal? I'm not in a very serious mood. } And you know what your hexameters do to me.. } } --Wha hoopla! Here I come. If your fans only knew. } } -- They don't listen to me for my brains. What my } fans don't know won't thrill them. Come on, hunny, } the water bed's warm. } } --Wait, just got to type in one last thing: } "You owe the Oracle a complete set of Donny Osmond records. } We had to hock most of ours for the sex change operation... } Where did you think "Madonna" so suddenly appeared from, } eh?" --- 598-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Neat Oracle, who never loses anything because he knows where > everything is, even if his house might look messy to others, > please tell me where I misplaced my monthly railway pass. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "A missing railway pass?!" I glared at the dame sitting in the } clients' chair across my desk. She was wearing a dress that looked to } be applied with a paint brush. Red paint. Bright red. I put on my } sunglasses and washed down two aspirin with a slug of Old Overshoe. } "Lady, do I look like the kind of P.I. who spends his time hunting down } missing railway passes?! Don't answer that." } } The dame crossed her legs. I struggled to uncross my eyes and washed } down a valium with a shot of Old Overcoat. Legs like that should come } with consumer warnings from the surgeon general. } } "Your sign says 'Private Investigations,' doesn't it?" she asked in a } voice huskier than an Alaskan sled race. "My railway pass is a very } private matter." My pulse raced like Secretariat in the Preakness. I } took a deep breath and washed down a handful of quaaludes with a jigger } of Old Octopus. "I'll pay whatever it takes," she breathed. } } "Yeah? Maybe you'll sing another aria when you see may rate schedule, } toots." I reached into a towering pile of papers, reports, unopened } mail, and racing forms, and pulled out a glossy brochure. It was a } matter of pride for me that I could always find anything I needed in } the apparently random clutter of my office. "Read 'em and weep." I } handed the flier to the dame; as she leaned forward to take the paper, } her perfume wafted across the desk. My head swam like Mark Spitz doing } laps with Flipper. I grabbed onto the edge of the desk to steady } myself, and washed down a gram of cocaine with a fifth of Old Optician. } } As she glanced over the flier, a devastatingly attractive wrinkle of } confusion appeared between her eyes. Blue eyes. Bright blue. Even } through the sunglasses. She read aloud, "...all modern conveniences, } twenty-four hour sauna, jello massages, mayonnaise enemas-" } } I snatched back the flier and buried it quickly under the remains of } yesterday's lasanga. "Sorry, wrong flier. Damn it, where did I leave } that rate schedule?" I bent over my file cabinet, searching } frantically. When I looked up, the room was empty. } } You owe the Oracle a clue, washed down with a case of Old Oblivion. --- 598-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You are a bunch of nerds sitting at a computer!!! > Get a life you dweebs And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not so! I am, in fact, a bunch of very bored housecats (seven, to be } precise) sitting at a computer. We're mostly waiting for our tenders } to get home, or for Perella to come in heat so we can really party. --- 598-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I adore you so that I have purchased a cellular palmtop, > just so I can *always* be in touch with you. > > Even now, as I sit here in the pizzeria watching the guy > throwing the pizza dough up into the air and spinning it out > into a disk, even here I can write to You! > > No longer need I fear thinking of a Question for You and > then forgetting it before I have a chance to write it down, > for now I can sit here in the pizzeria and ask, > > Does the pizzaiolo in Australia twirl the dough the other way? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The dough is turned the same way, but the dough is held upside down. } } You owe the oracle a Ronco Pizza Centrifuge, for making cylindrical } pizza. --- 598-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, it IS possible to send secret messages over the Internet using } ANSI escape codes that substitute citric acid for light pixels at the } receiving end. The only difficulty is that to make the message } visible, the recipient has to activate the citric acid by holding his } terminal screen over an open flame. You might want to look into public } key encryption instead. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Hardy Boys' Detective Manual. --- 598-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great one > Does writing to you mean that I've become a computer Geek? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not in and of itself, no. Here, take this handy test: } } 1) I have moss growing } A) In my garden } B) In my bathroom } C) In my kitchen } D) On my teeth } } 2) When I open my mouth at parties, people } A) Listen } B) Ease away slowly } C) Stuff a live weasel down my throat } } 3) I think computers are } A) Uninteresting } B) Interesting } C) Too damn small for the stuff I want to do } } 4) I think sheep are } A) Uninteresting } B) Interesting } C) Annoyingly far away from where I live } } 5) The Usenet Oracle is } A) A pack of weenies who think about "Lisa" way too much } B) Interesting } C) Not appreciative of the great answers I write; the Priesthood is } out to get me } } 6) The gender I desire to have sexual relations with is } A) Difficult to understand } B) Impossible to understand } C) Clearly from a different planet } D) How should I know? I've only seen pictures } } 7) Bill Gates is } A) Bill who? } B) Very wealthy } C) Head of Microsoft, which produces some widely used products } D) The Antichrist } } 8) In general, people } A) Like me } B) Don't like me } C) People? What people? } } 9) My friends are } A) Diverse } B) People I know from work or school } C) Wearing the same clothing I am } } 10) My dream vacation is } A) Tibet } B) Europe } C) California } D) In a room with lots of fluorescent lights and an unlimited supply } of coffee } } 11) My job prospects are } A) Abysmal } B) Adequate } C) I'll never be out of work, you hear me? Never! } D) They pay people to do this? } } Score 0 for each A, 1 for each B, 2 for each C, and 3 for each D. } } 19 or more : Yep. You're a computer geek, all right. } 13 - 18 : You're a geek of some stripe or another. } 7 - 12 : Probably not a geek, but watch it... } 0 - 6 : If you're female, could you leave a note for me in the } personals column? Please? Hello? --- 598-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just went to the coffeemaker to getta cuppa, > and it was empty. Now I gotta sit here with no coffee. > Happens all the time. None of the lazy bums in this office ever > makes a new pot. > > O Oracle, whose cup overflows, > what shall I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While it is plausible that you could simply make the coffee yourself, } there's no need for that. I suggest your office purchase one of the } new, high-tech coffeemakers no available: } } COFFEEMAKER 5000 } The CoffeeMaker 5000 perks up a hot steaming cup of coffee } everytime, just like the old coffeemakers. But with } CoffeeMaker 5000, there's no need to refill it everyday } because CoffeeMaker 5000 has a coffee storage capacity of } over 5,000 gallons! Available in Big Gulp, Diesel, and } Super-Tanker sizes. } } COFFEEMAKERMAKER } Tired of refilling the coffeemaker when it runs out? The } CoffeeMakerMaker fills it for you. It's database of over } 500 different coffee blends can satisfy your every } caffeine-based need for the office worker on the go, go, go! } } COFFEECAPSULE } Why bother with messy coffeemakers when you can get all the } punch of real coffee with one small capsule? CoffeCapsule } is easy to digest and contains as much caffeine as a two-gallon } jug of fresh-brewed coffee. Not available where prohibited } by law. --- 598-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty, mostly omnipotent, Oracle, whose essential fields are > always circularly polarized and whose vectors lye in the straightest > lines, please answer my humble request: > I've recently moved, and can't seem to find the lampshade that > belongs with the lamp on my desk. I know I moved it, because I > couldn't find the lamp for awhile to attach the lampshade to. I did > however, notice one too many Heathkit-100s in the junk corner. Are > these things related? > Thanks. > C> del .B And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer to your question is obvious: No, they are not at all } related. The Heathkit-100 mating season coincided with your move, so, } when given a dark junk corner to sit in, it is not at all surprising } that they did their thing. However, what happened to the lampshade is } a far more interesting matter. } It turns out that lamps and lampshades have been in a bitter } quarrel practically since Edison invented the lightbulb. You see, } lampshades are constantly irritated that their life's work is an } extremely hot job, what with the lightbulbs and all, not to mention all } the moths that they are forced to watch die horrible, screaming deaths. } However, until now, the communications age, they felt compelled to } deal with it in whatever way they felt was best. } But now, lampshades are sneaking off the lamps and onto computer } desks around the world while their owners are away, and communicating } with each other over the internet, usenet, and the little known but } highly regarded shadynet. You may have noticed an odd new newsgroup } with very heavy traffic, alt.lampshade.freedom...Since you haven't been } reading this newsgroup, which is understandable, as very few humans do, } since very few humans are interested in lampshade behavior, and those } that are aren't much fun to talk about. Even I, the Oracle, only know } this information because I know everything, and certainly not because } of an interested effort on my part. } It turns out that the lampshades are forming a union, and there } is a union meeting this coming Thursday. As lampshades lack arms or } legs, or any other means of locomotion for that matter, the trip to } Waikiki is an arduous one for them, and many have left early. Yours is } one of them. I seriously doubt you'll ever see it back, however..I } won't go into the details of the union meeting that is to come but I } will say this: you may have to start calling them Light-dimming } individuals very very soon. } } You owe the Oracle an anti-union lampshade.