From oracle-request Wed Sep 22 11:33:52 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA05195; Wed, 22 Sep 1993 11:33:52 -0500 Date: Wed, 22 Sep 1993 11:33:52 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #593 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 593 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #593 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 22 Sep 1993 11:33:52 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 593 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 588 46 votes 6q554 c78d6 9gc45 5eda4 6ee84 6ch83 7bi82 24cgc 28jb6 5aad8 588 2.9 mean 2.5 2.9 2.6 2.9 2.8 2.8 2.7 3.7 3.2 3.2 --- 593-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, our dilemma: can humans understand complete knowledge? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Certainly. Humans gain an understanding of complete knowledge in May } 2448, when Herr Doctor Doctor Professor Schvanstucker-Wang publishes } the Unified Frail theory, demonstrating that the following are all } manifestations of a single force: the electroweak force, the strong } nuclear force, gravity, "car suck", and the "Geek-Bimbo" force (the } force that sends straight male computer swine staggering towards } attractive women.) } } Unfortunately, Herr Dr. Dr. Prof. Schvanstucker-Wang demonstrates his } theory by directly transforming electrical energy to Geek-Bimbo } energy. There is a power surge, a fuse fails to blow, and the } resulting potential difference depopulates the computer centers of the } world. The phone system collapses, Wall Street panics, and three } weeks later humanity crawls out of the wreckage and tries to remember } how that fire thing went again. } } Sure, humans can understand complete knowledge. It's just that the } first thing you lot do with anything new is find a novel way to make } asses of yourselves... --- 593-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you wizard of the fiber pathways, who knows which cellular > telephone companies will still be around 5 years from now, > > The other day, someone called me and said, "Please hold." I was so > busy fuming for the next five minutes that I didn't think of anything > witty to say when they came back on. > > What should I have said? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We're sorry. All of the Oracle's lines are busy. Your question will } be answered in the order it was recieved. Thank you for asking the } Oracle. --- 593-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > /* > question.c > supplicant@vt220.slowvax.concrete.ac.uk > 16/9/1993 > */ > > #include > #define GROVEL "/usr/people/supplicant/.grovel" > #define FAIL -1 > #define SUCCESS 0 > > int grovel(void); > void question(void); > > int grovel(void) > { > FILE *fp; > char text[256]; > > if ( ( fp = fopen(GROVEL, "r") ) == NULL ) > return FAIL; > > do > { > printf("%s", text); > fgets(text, 256, fp); > } > while ( ! feof(fp) ); > > fclose(fp); > > return SUCCESS; > } > > void question(void) > { > printf("\nI find that after a day working on my C programming\n"); > printf("project I am unable to readjust to normal life.\n"); > printf("\nPlease tell me.... is there hope for me or am I\n"); > printf("doomed to an eternity of staring disconcertingly at\n"); > printf("people because my eyes haven't recovered from four hours\n); > printf("in front of a vt220?\n"); > printf("\nPlease answer soon as I had a dream which stack-\n"); > printf("dumped last week, and it's really beginning to worry me.\n); > printf("Also, I keep trying to run lint on my friends'\n"); > printf("conversations, and attempted to recompile the cat\n); > printf("yesterday, only I couldn't find the sourcecode anywhere,\n); > printf("even using archie.\n"); > printf("\nThankyou,\n"); > printf("\n\tsupplicant@vt220.slowvax.concrete.ac.uk\n\n"); > } > > int main(int argc, char *argv[]) > { > int avoidzot; > > if ( ( avoidzot = grovel() ) == FAIL ) > { > fprintf(stderr, "question: grovel() failed.\n"); > fprintf(stderr, "exiting now to avoid oracular wrath.\n"); > exit(FAIL); > } > > question(); And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmph... Despite your presumption in assuming to know the file } structure of the Oracle (not to mention trying to weasel your way out } of a grovel), I will, in my usual extremely good-natured fashion help } you out (you're just lucky the Oracle knows neuro-linguistic } programming). } } Move your head closer to the screen. Closer. Closer. Stop. } Good. Now - repeat this mnemonic out loud twenty three times, } increasing in speed with each pass (I suggest you start off slow), then } look down at the line following the mnemonic. } } OOH WAA TAA GEE KII AAM } } exit(0); } } There, that should slap you out of that loop you'd caught } yourself in quite nicely... } } You owe the Oracle a Question to Answer function library, and a } .grovel... --- 593-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh wise oracle please tell me the answer to the question i pose > > Who *really* put the 'shang' in the 'shang-a-lang-a-ding-dong'? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look copper, I wuzn't anywhere near the place. Now I told 'ya, I can't } tell you where I wuz coz I'z wid me mate's missus. It's true 'guv. } Look, I knows I gotta bit of a record, but I'z been straight as a } whistle since I last got out. Honest guv! Keeping me nose clean, ya } know what I mean. No, I ain't done the 'shang' job, I wuz over in } France at the time. Yeah I knows I said about me mate's misses, but it } wuz a French missus, quick trip over 'ta continent for a bit of } wha-hey! ya know what I mean. Nope, I ain't ever heard of this } 'shang-a-lang' thing before ya mentioned it like. Look man I pays ya } salary through me taxes and I'z got some business 'ta attend to, ya } know what I mean. So if ya finished w' the questions I'd like outta } here sharpish like. Look, I tolds ya already, I wuz over in Ireland wid } me mate's daughter, get meself in trouble if dat one gets out. France, } then Ireland, like I says right. How am I supposed 'ta know how dat } damn rhymin' dictionary gots into my pocket. I wuz carrying it forra } friend, just being nice and friendly like. Look copper, 'tain't against } the law to carry a lousy rhymin' dictionary like is it? 'tain't a } police state yet is it?............. } } You owe the Oracle a map of the floor plan of the Bank of Scotland and } a fast motor. --- 593-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, as subtle as the creeping mists at night, as bright as the > desert sun at noon, please help me find out how much time I have > to fix a little mistake... > > I work for a logistics service company in the twenty-third century. > I have made a slight mix up in some orders, tho, and sent a crate > of one hundred tri-corders to a temporal distortion research lab > on Earth and one hundred Ziggys to some starship called "Enterprise". > My coworker says it won't make any difference, since they both > seem to be able to detect things that the designers haven't actually > encountered, and both are designed to malfunction whenever things get > chancy. But if my boss finds out, he'll feed me to the Ferengi for > sure. My question is, how and when will the mistake be noticed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's funny, I just had a similar question from: } } scotty@enterprise.where.no.man.has.gone.before } } Mortal, you are very lucky. It just so happens that you transported the } one hundred tri-corders to the same time period where the crew of the } Starship Enterprise are presently fiddling around with the events that } were shown in Star Trek IV. At this very moment Spock is } Vulcan-Mind-Melding a noisy punk on a bus and Bones is speaking into } the mouse of a Macintosh. } } At the same moment, Security Chief Morton, a character in Star Trek who } up to now has had very bad luck on the Star Trek cutting room floor } after disappearing with Gene Roddenberry's wife for an hour during the } very first episode, is walking through the very same research lab. He } notices the tri-corders and transports them back to the Enterprise. The } integrity of space/time is saved. Until next week when it'll be in } danger again of course. } } As for the Ziggys on The Enterprise. Everyone is looking at them and } saying "how quaint". Even the whales, though that sounds more like } SQEEEUUUUUOOOOKKKK UUUOOOWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNAAAAAAA. } } My omni-vision predicts that Captin Kirk will give the Ziggys to some } high energy non-corporal beings who are threatening the integrity of } space/time and claim that the Ziggys are vital to the preservation of } their race. But actually they'll use them for disgusting non-corporal } mastabatorial acts. } } You owe the Oracle 48,417,562 cubic metres of Tribble food. --- 593-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, wise Oracle, whose knowledge is greater than my debt, please tell > me, does Heaven have a beurocracy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course. There's Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, 3 sub-St Peters, } 12 assistant St Peters, 45 secretaries for the assistant St Peters, } 112 assistants for the secretaries for the assistant St Peters, 1024 } 'clerical assistants', 35 janitors, a tea-person, a partridge in a } pear tree, 3 botanists, and 15 aviary attentdants. } } It is a little known fact that the censored parts of the Dead Sea } Scrolls were none other than fill in the blanks in block capitals in } black ink. I can now reveal the content of one of these forms. } } [Start of Dead Sea Scroll #548-A1] } } Name: ___________ Age: ____________________ } Sex: ____________ Cause of Death: _________ } } Questionaire } } 1: Did you tidy your room when your parents asked you to? Yes/No } 2: Did you ever play hookey from school? Yes/No } 3: Have you ever bullied a classmate? Yes/No } 4: Have you ever coveted your neighbour's wife? Yes/No } 5: Have you ever posted a woodchuck question to The Oracle? Yes/No } : : } : : } 5000: Did you ever misrepresent the black stuff under your fingernails } as something not absolutely disgusting, but coal dust? Yes/No } } Interpreting Your Results } } Count one point for every no answer, except for questions 1, 22, } 55, 223, ......, 4998, where you should count one point for every } yes answer. } } 0 - 99. You are a lowdown stinking rat. Go straight to hell and suffer } throughout eternity in the never-ending flames. } } 100 - 999. Not as bad as possible. You still go to hell but we'll } give you this underarm deoderant to make things a bit more pleasant. } } 1000 - 1999. On the bad side, so you still go to hell. However, as you } were only slightly bad we'll make things even more pleasant for you. } You may have underarm deoderant AND a packet of PK chewing gum. } } 2000 - 2999. Your case will be seen by your local assistant to } the secretary for the assistant St Peter. Join one of these five } million mile long queues each for a different letter of the alphabet. } We regret that we do not have the resources to identify which of the } queues is which at this distance from the offices. } } 3000 - 3999. You are a good person, who has occasionally given in to } temptation. As it wouldn't be fair to give you all the priviledges } of the truly saintly, you will receive an out-of-tune harp, and your } wings will be missing a few feathers. } } 4000-4899. An excellent, and probably very long life on earth. } You shall receive a magnificent harp, astounding wings, and a cloud } in the better parts of the atomosphere, well away from the Ozone hole. } } 4900-4999. You will become creators on other planets. Please join } the queue over there. Yes, two people do make a queue. } } 5000. Perfect. You have done nothing wrong ever. As your reward you } shall be constantly escourted by extremely attractive young members } of the opposite sex, who will proffer all kinds of drugs and other } trendy chemical amusement aids, you will walk through cities built } on for you to loot, and only the best cars, best houses, and best } wine will be good enough for you. We acknowledge that you may not } have the knowledge to make use of any of these gifts, but we plan to } have a retroactive training instute operational within the millenia. } } [End of Dead Sea Scroll #548-A1] } } Due to the overhead in handling all this paperwork, a small 'service } fee' has been introduced. Unfortunately, very few people arriving } at Heaven have any cash on them due to persistant propaganda that } 'you can't take it with you'. This has resulted in an unruly crowd } waiting outside the Pearly Gates, in the (usually) vain hope that } some descendant will bring a credit card with them. } } You owe the Oracle a small service charge of 5000 pounds for this } consultation. --- 593-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > .... is it a period or a full-stop? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O foolish mortal, } } .... is not a period, nor is } it a full stop. As any schoolboy } could tell you, this is } quantum punctuation formed by singularities } on the paper. Matter is composed } almost entirely of space and grammar is no } exception. Spaces do not exist in continuous form, } they are discrete and quantized. The unit, the } Bloton, is similar to the phonon, except that it can } exhibit fluid properties, being strongly absorbed } by paper molecules. Clean white shirts induce a strong } chain reaction with the Bloton, causing it to leave its } protective container and combine with the cotton. } A furious display of energy usually accompanies this } reaction. } } An infinite number of Schroedingers cats were able } to pen a treatise on the complete works of } Shakespeare. Unfortunately, this work was published } posthumously. } } The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle strongly } affects the Bloton. It was, until the } late 21st Century, wrongly assumed to be } a form of dyslexia. The laws of reason do not } apply at these singularities - particularly so } on goverment documents. Here, space/time is not } so much curved, as completely bent. } } You owe the Oracle a box of Newtonian } Junior Wax Colouring Crayons. --- 593-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Howdy Mister Oracle! > > I hope you are having a mighty fine day up there in good 'ol Indiana. > Well, I have a question to pose to you mister, and it goes like this: > > As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives. Each wife > had seven sacks, each sack had seven cats, and each cat had seven > rats. > > Cats, sacks, wives, rats, how many were going to St. Ives. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ZOT THEE for addressing me as an equal!! You're inability to answer } such a rudimentary question proves your inferiority. Know that the } awesome power of the Oracle can not be contained within the borders of } a state as small as Indiana. Know that the Oracle is powerful enough } to refer to himself in the THIRD PERSON!!! Nevertheless (as opposed to } neverthemore), the Oracle takes pity upon your mere mortal flesh, and } will answer your question. } } Including yourself, the man with the healthy love life and an } INCREDIBLE amount of patience, the wives with an affinity for satchels, } the satchels with contain very full and satisfied felines, 2402 } travelled with you to St. Ives. } } Of course, that does not include the 62,451 bikers that came for the } St. Ives Harley Festival. } } Incidentally, that annoying kid from the Encyclopedia Britannica } commercials was in St. Ives, but he wasn't doing any better there than } he does here. } } You owe the Oracle at least 2 lines of grovelling, a rat, a cat, a } sack, a wife, and a glazed doughnut, to go. --- 593-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OhGreatAndMightyOracle,WhosePhlegmIAmUnworthyToContemplate,WhoseSpit > IAmUnworthyToSnortUpMyNose,WhoseKnowledgeIsLikeAmbrosiaForTheMind, > PleaseAnswerThisMyHumbleQuery: > > I woke up this morning, and found that my world had been transformed... > My closet was full of black clothing, my room was decorated with > computer printout, and there was an extremely powerful computer > with all manner of home modifications, and empty cans of jolt cola > strewn across the floor. this is very confusing, as last time I > checked, I was an English major, and the most powerful computer I had > ever touched was a 8086 word-processor. > What has Happened, and why are there people shouting, "open up, were > from th NSA!!!" outside my door? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, fabulous! I'll have to tell him that it worked. } } One of my Priests (I can't remember what his name was, and a complete } DNA print would be pretty useless to you, I guess) wanted to try some } neural programming. I told him about one of my supplicants, an English } major, who wanted to know the answer to some obscure question about his } 8086 word processor, and had failed to grovel well enough. I was going } to < ZOT > him, but I thought that my Priest's plan was a much more } appropriate response. I let him answer the question, but his response } was worded such that the reader instantly began to think that he was a } brilliant computer genius. Apparently it worked, because for the last } four years, you have been living a dual life. Check the nearest } newspaper for the date; I think you'll be unpleasantly surprised. } } It's a pity that the programming finally wore off at such an } inopportune moment, though. Listen, because you finally learnt how to } grovel ( and that was really a very fine grovel ), I'm going to help } you this ONE time. Just a sec...there! I just < ZOT >ed the NSA } agents. Ooops, that was actually your door. Well, I did _try_, didn't } I? I'm sure that whatever you did, they won't feel pressured to use } those submachine guns. Well, good luck, and be sure my Priest will be } in touch. } } You owe the Oracle an elementary textbook on neurolinguistic } programming. --- 593-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Let us posit that there are two English words that could be combined > into a single word, and further, that one of these words is a noun, > the other a verb. > > Let us further suppose a creature whose name consists of these two > words conjoined; in fact, let us suppose that such a creature has > actual physical existence in the real and tangible world. > > Let us then grant, for the sake of argument, that in such a case it > might be possible to compose an English phrase using the > composite name of this creature along with the separate noun and > verb which together comprise its name to express the conditional > possibility that this creature might be able to perform an action > described by using the two parts of its name. > > If we further presume that it would be possible to devise an > interrogatory sentence containing the same elements and requesting > the quantification of this hypothetical ability, and, speaking > hypothetically of course, to write down this sentence and send it to > the magnificent Usenet Oracle, whose hypotheses are always granted, > > Given all the above, would it be acceptable behavior for a > supplicant to ask you why Polar bears are not found in Poland? > > (Hypothetically, of course.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let us postulate that there is a supplicant. This supplicant wants to } get as close to asking one of the questions which result in death as } they can without actually asking one. } } Further let us suppose that this supplicant presents postulates apropos } of a sentence. Nay a Question! one of the solutions of which is a } forbidden question. } } Hypothetically speaking we can postulate a retribution, addressed to } the possibility of the wrong interrogatory sentence being presented. } } Given the above, Polar bears are not found in Poland for the same } reason that one does not play Wom with a Wombat. Because Zoologists } have a grip on reality which might at best be described as tenuous. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the rules for Cripple Mr Onion.