From oracle-request Fri Jul 23 12:29:29 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA05937; Fri, 23 Jul 1993 12:29:29 -0500 Date: Fri, 23 Jul 1993 12:29:29 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #578 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 578 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #578 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 23 Jul 1993 12:29:29 -0500 @@@ Publication of the Usenet Oracularities will be on a two week hiatus @@@ while your editor is on vacation across the sea that was once the @@@ US Midwest. The Usenet Oracle and its Priesthood will still be in @@@ business, though, so keep supplicating and pontificating as much @@@ as you wish. We'll catch up on publishing the best Oracularities @@@ after two weeks. @@@ Steve "Take me to the river, drop me in the water" Kinzler To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 578 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 573 55 votes 7hka1 2bik4 7mi71 8pi40 7gm73 17elc 8qi21 gfk31 7kg84 8jl61 573 2.7 mean 2.7 3.2 2.5 2.3 2.7 3.7 2.3 2.2 2.7 2.5 --- 578-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why ask why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has considered your surprisingly good, almost adequate, } philosophical question and is reminded of the parable of the drunk fish } of Arabia. } } One day in a desert land many miles away many centuries ago there was } an unhappy traveller. This man had worked honestly and hard since he } was young, and verily all he had to show for it were a few gold pieces } and the clothes on his back. "Oh verily, what is the point?" he was } heard to moan, and he decided to get well and truly drunk. } } Using his last gold pieces he bought a goatskin of wine. But upon } tasting the wine, he exclaimed "ptooi ptooi, this wine tastes sour" and } verily he did not drink it, and lo! he did not get drunk. } } Many miles across the desert later, he came across a fish lying in the } sand. "Hey! can you give me a hand" gasped the fish, "I'm gonna croak } if I don't get some water soon." } } The unhappy traveller was extremely taken aback by a fish lying in the } sand who talketh, and exclaimed "Why? O fish, why are you in the } desert? and why can you talketh?" } } And lo! the fish answered "If you don't mind, we'll leave the 'why' } questions until later and get me to some water or the 'why' of it all } will become a bit academic." } } The unhappy traveller said "The only water I have is this extremely bad } wine in this goatskin." } } "Any port in a storm" punned the fish badly. The unhappy traveller then } put the fish into the goatskin, threw the goatskin over his shoulder } and continued on his unhappy way. } } And lo! within minutes there was the sound of a great fishy merrymaking } from the goatskin, and there was much fishy laughing and joking and } singing of 'Knees up Mother Brown'. The villagers around marvelled at } this man who carried such fishy sounds of joy wherever he went, and } though the traveller's heart was heavy, he bought happiness to everyone } he met. And there was much rejoicing and standing him of drinks and } meals and roofs above his head, and lo! did his fame spread across the } land and his heart begin to lighten. } } Eventually the traveller reached a distant kingdom ruled by a rather } meek king and a rather aggressive queen who was in an advanced state of } pregnancy. "Get me some oxtail soup and vinegared dried prunes" } commanded the queen, and her servants rushed around in a futile manner } until the queen got bored and had them all beheaded. } } "Why oxtail soup and vinegared dried prunes?" asked the king, but he } was silenced when the queen gaveth him an extraordinarily filthy look. } } Later the queen asked "who is it that causes such merrymaking outside } while I feel under the weather?" Upon learning of the traveller with } the riotous goatskin, she asked for him to be bought to the throneroom. } "Ow" she proclaimed when the heir apparent inside her kicked. } } When the traveller arrived, the queen had already decided that she } didn't want to know the secret of the goatskin any more. This was of } great relief to the traveller, as the merrymaking had ceased, the fish } having died of advanced alcohol poisoning. } } Suddenly glaring at all present, the queen exclaimed "I want some } Sushi." } } "Why?" pleaded her servants, "the country known as Japan hasn't even } been discovered yet, why do you ask for Sushi? And we're hundreds of } miles inland, how can you expect us to get some fresh fish and prepare } it in time?" } } And the queen cried pitifully "it's so hard to get good help these } days. Will anyone give me some Sushi? I will grant any wish for one } plate of Sushi." } } And lo! the traveller said "I have some fresh fish, deeply marinaded in } a vinegared wine. If it would please your majesty, perhaps you would } like to sample my wares." } } The queen sampled the Sushi, and proclaimed it good, and there was much } relief in the palace. "Until-recently-unhappy Traveller" she said, "you } may have your wish. What do you want?" } } "I only want to be able to stay in your kingdom, treated in the same } way I was when I had a drunk fish in my goatskin." } } "It shall be done" said the queen, "and what's more I give you a } marvelous house with servants, and you shall have half my husband's } harem." } } "Hey, hold on a minute" said the king, but another glance from his wife } silenced him. } } And so, the now very happy traveller stayed in the kingdom, realising } that had he insisted on asking the fish "Why?" in the desert, the fish } would have croaketh and his present happiness would never have } happened. } } And lo! his happiness continued until he died two years later of } terminal curiosity. } } As payment the Oracle demands a prawn, peanut butter, and chocolate } syrup sandwich. --- 578-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you would like to receive a printed report of the data your agency > has submitted to the Clearinghouse which includes this year's data > submission, please complete this form, detach and mail it to Radian > Corporation at the prepreinted address on the reverse side. > > In addition, a copy of this report will be sent to the air toxics > contact at center for fart reduction regional office. > > Your request will be processed when it is received by Radian > Corporation. Please allow six weeks for deliver to both your agency and > the regional office. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } About a cord a day. --- 578-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Magical, SuperHuman, SexPot, Maxim Mertifolia, whose Ambrosia > annoints the masses who do not realise what a SuperBeing thou art, > and your sentiments are the learning mediums for us unworthy > supplicants, I would give you all I own if I knew where you lived, > and I would even give you my wife for your services as a Celluar > Query Answering Processor...... > > Pray Tell the answer to this Humble Question. > > TELL ME A LONG STORY! > > Oh Thank You Oh Mighty one! > I treasure your reply as much as I treasure my life. And if I where > to hold a feast in your honour, there would be no space left at the > table for all the civilised world would be there to see you, and you > alone! > Thank You Master. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O } n } c } e } } u } p } o } n } } a } } t } i } m } e } } t } h } e } r } e } } w } a } s } } a } } p } e } r } s } o } n } } w } h } o } } a } s } k } e } d } } t } h } e } } a } l } m } i } g } h } t } y } } O } r } a } c } l } e } } f } o } r } } a } } R } E } A } L } L } Y } } L } O } N } G } } S } T } O } R } Y } . } } H } e } } d } i } d } n } ' } t } } d } o } } i } t } } t } w } i } c } e } . } } You owe the Oracle 1 beanstalk. --- 578-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Continue or retire? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This oracle acknowledges all trade marks. } } > > Continue or retire? } } This depends on whether you are playing Sonic or Sonic II and } how many chaos emeralds you have found. } } Obvoiusly, chaos emeralds confirm to Pauli's exclusion principle } where no two things (Sonic & Tails) are in the same spin and level } at the same time (when the emerald is collected). } } The generalized formula for retirement is inversely proportional } to the number of chaos emeralds in the following formula. } Retire = T+H/(C*R+X) } } Where T is the time so far wasted on the game (in seconds) } H is the time since you last ate any food (in seconds) } C is the number of Chaos Emeralds that you possess } R is the average number of rings that you collect per act. } and X is the number of lives you've wasted in the last T } minutes. } } This should mean that you will get a positive number greater } than zero. Having calculated your possible credibility index } it seems that anything over 325 would lead to you annoying the } hell out of the next member of the family waiting to have a go } on the Megadrive. } } You owe the oracle one box of hedgehog flavour crisps. --- 578-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, great and wonderful, whose belly button lint has a better > hairdo than most people, please answer this question: > > Why don't birds get electrocuted with they sit on powerlines? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O most lowly of supplicants, ye whose ignorance is verily an abyss of } such immeasurable depths so as to utterly surpass the greatest canyons } in the lands that have been soiled by your feet, the deepest trenches } in the oceans upon which has sailed Man, yea, even the vastness of the } voids of space, into which the eyes of all mankind have peered for all } time and yet seen naught of what is real; Behold!, as for a moment I } draw aside the veil of mystery and unravel for you the arcane truths } that lie behind the answer to all questions such as yours. } } Electricity, as even such as you are likely to know, will flow through } metal, of which powerlines are made, in the form of free electrons. } The speed with which these electrons move, the direction of movement, } and the quantity of moving electrons are the major factors that combine } to form what you know as "current". You learned all of this in your } physics courses, and it is indeed truth. } } Now, O supplicant, you have undoubtedly been informed by persons } speaking with great authority that the utility companies pump } electricity into one end of the powerlines, and that your computer, } which you spend entirely too much time on, by the way, sucks out that } electricity, which is what you pay for every month. You have, no } doubt, also been told that modern electricity, unlike primitive } electricity, the production of which required the frequent skinning of } cats and gathering of petrified tree sap, is of the "alternating } current" type, which means that there is no real movement of charge } through the powerline, only oscillations in the concentration of } charge. } } These oscillations, however, are not, as you have been led to believe } by the many menbers of the Conspiracy, caused by the utility company to } which you pay such outrageous sums of money every month. No, the } oscillations, the very very miniscule oscillations that cause charge } concentrations to fluctuate and, thereby, electricity to flow, are, and } this is the Revelation, CAUSED BY THE CONSTANT MOTION OF BIRDS LANDING } ON AND TAKING OFF FROM POWERLINES. So, you see supplicant, the birds } are not in any danger from being electrocuted by electricity but, } rather, are the sole manufacturer thereof. The utility company, and } this is the Second Revelation, actually GETS ELECTRICITY OUT OF BOTH } ENDS OF THE POWERLINE, since the oscillations start at the birds' } location and spread outwards towards the homes of consumers like } yourself. Many powerlines actually are not in any way connected to } power companies, generators, or power plants, but rather attach } directly to consumer households at both ends. } } And now, O supplicant, I grow weary of explicating the workings of your } tiny, insignificant universe. More important matters demand my } attention. } } You owe the Oracle the skin of Schroedinger's cat, a rod of amber } containing mosquitoes with dinosaur DNA, and seven free electrons. --- 578-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle who knows all > Tell your follower what reason he can give to a radio show why he > deserve to get 10CD's as an award from them And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle decides to speak about himself in the Third Person. } } The Oracle adjusts his 1927 Atwater-Kent radio receiver, and tunes in } WGY in Schenectedy. The signal fades out, and he fiddles with the } knobs again, and picks up KYW in Philadelphia. The Fibber McGee and } Molly show is on. Fibber is about to open his closet, as Molly tries } to persuade him not to. } } "KERTHUMBA-BASHCRANGTHUMPPPA-KERPLAPPLE-DAP-KABOINGABOINGAPOW! } BATHUDDLEDUD! BANGABOINGA-WONKABONKA-KAPLOOEYBLATSCH-FLOP. } BADOI-OI-OINK!" says the closet. } } Miraculously, Fibber finds what he was looking for, and hands it to } the Oracle. It's a seven-inch 78-rpm recording of Rudy Vallee singing } the Maine Stein Song. The Oracle hands it to you, and you realize } that it's all scratched up and no good and you'll have to get } something else, somehow. } } You owe the Oracle a 2127 Ninjaturt-Trabant radio that'll receive } programs from radio stations on the moon. --- 578-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most wise and all-seeing Oracle. Thou who is more witty than Oscar > Wilde. Thou who can write better tunes than Lennon/McCartney. Thou who > can chuck rocks more effectively than a woodchuck, please hear my plea > and answer my question. > > Why doesn't someone make a photocopy machine that works reliably? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As a Steven Wright wannabe once said, "I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have } a spare copy machine." } } However, this is not strictly a photocopier. For true reliability, } you'll have to wait for the next generation of machine-- the } photoproducer. Photoproducers take multiple pictures of an object and } then recreates it in paper-mache, hard plastic, and aluminum-- very } useful for small batches of widgets and spare parts. In May 2112, } Xerox announces the first self-maintaining photoproducer-- made } entirely of photoproducible parts-- and a sophisticated dedicated AI } to detect part failure, craft a replacement part, and install it. } } A technical masterpiece. Unfortunately, in January 2113, a clerical } worker in a hurry to leave the office for a three day weekend leaves a } mirror in the room with a self-maintaining photoproducer-- and the } controls set for "Reproduce at 90% of size." By Sunday afternoon, } virus-sized photoproducers utterly consume all available hard plastic, } aluminum, and paper-mache, pretty much wiping out civilization. } } So be careful what you wish for. You may get it. --- 578-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh omnipresent, omnipotent one, answer this question for your humble > supplicant: > > Is Snuggles the Teddy Bear the devil incarnate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, let's add some holy water to this Snuggles bottle and find out, } shall we? } } {Drip, drip, drip...} } } "You dare arouse the wrath of Beelzebub? I shall send for my master!" } } Ok, so it looks like the teddy bear is indeed a major demon. Let's find } out who his boss is. } } "Oh yeah? And how will you do that?" } "Satan shall visit himself upon this world and corrupt the children!" } "And in what form?" } "A big purple dinosaur, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" } } Well, there's your answer. He's not the devil, but he is one of the } Minions of Cuteness. } } You owe the Oracle the corpse of Baby-Bop. --- 578-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Omniscient and all-powerful Oracle, > > There is a rumor abroad that you are the one who manipulated El Nin~o > to cause horrific flooding in the US Midwest. Now, why did you > want to go and do that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } T'was not I. } } The Oracle, unlike *some* deities I could name, doesn't play } these damn-fool games. You know the saying, "Subtle is the Lord" } from the Christian religion? Well, that's not me. In the god } racket, subtlety is strictly for amateurs. Let me put it this } way: If *I* had wanted to convert the US midwest into a big } rice paddy, *I* would have moved the whole place bodily to } southeast Asia. It wouldn't have taken any "forty days and } forty nights", either. } } You owe the Oracle enough Lime Jello(TM) to fill the hole } that will be left behind. --- 578-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me if there is a version of SQLTCP for DOS that is > compatible with Novell LAN WorkPlace for DOS version 4.1. > > Thanks, > Rob Palmer, ViGYAN And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You've contacted the wrong Oracle. You wanted the nice helpful } Oracle who gladly gives straightforward useful advice and asks } for nothing in return. } Unfortunately, you've contacted the naughty big-headed Oracle } who delights in mocking supplicants with flippant replies and } roasting those who offend It in any way. } However, in the interests of diplomacy I will try to do the } job of both. } --------------------------------------------------------------- } "if there is a version of | Sorry, I don't know. You } SQLTCP for DOS that is | could however try asking my } compatible with Novell LAN | cousin the Usenet Oracle, } WorkPlace for DOS version | he's much smarter than me } 4.1" There, I've told you | although he tends to enjoy } what you wanted, though | annoying his supplicants for } goodness knows why you needed | some his own sadistic reasons } me for such a paltry task. | which I can never fathom. } You owe the Oracle a highly | You don't owe me anything, } servile obsequeous grovel and | I'm a nice sort of Oracle you } 500$ for taking up my | know. Bye bye! } valuable time you great | P.S Hope he can help. } oafish wassock. | P.P.S Deep down, he's alright.