From oracle-request Thu Jun 17 18:28:48 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA18747; Thu, 17 Jun 1993 18:28:48 -0500 Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1993 18:28:48 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #570 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 570 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #570 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1993 18:28:48 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 570 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 565 57 votes 3ds76 3ieg6 5ejg3 8io61 ajce2 dik42 05emg 3js70 29gic 1dbfh 565 3.0 mean 3.0 3.1 3.0 2.5 2.6 2.4 3.9 2.7 3.5 3.6 --- 570-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whoever reads this can they mail SHARNM@MOLGAGNAR.AC.UK please. > > I want international stardom ! > > [The mail address has been randomized. -ed] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } >mail forwarded to LMAIL@INDIANA } >no active path to Indiana is available } } >mail forwarded to MAILER@ORACLE } >no active path to Oracle is available } } >mail forwarded to MAILER@ZEUS } >no active path to Zeus is available } } >mail forwarded to MAILER@THOR } >no active path to Thor is available } } >mail forwarded to STMP@BUDDHA } >No active path to Buddha is available } } >mail forwarded to MAILER@CLINTON.WHITEHOUSE } >No active path to Clinton.Whitehouse is available } } >Mail forwarded MAILER@GORE.WHITEHOUSE } >No active path to Gore.Whitehouse is available } } >Mail forwarded to MAILER@BUSH.CIA.WHITEHOUSE.TOP.SECRET } > No active path to Bush.CIA.Whitehouse.Top.Secret is available } } >Mail forwarded to YELTSIN@WHATEVERS.LEFT.OF.USSR } >No active path to Whatevers.left.of.ussr is available } } >Mail forwarded to ANYONE@FORMER.YUGOSLAVIA.REPUBLIC } >No active path to Former.Yugoslavia.Republic is available } } >Mail forwarded to WOODCHUCK@WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK } >Mail sent to WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK } >Mail delivered to WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK } >Mail received by WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK } >Entering system WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK.WOODCHUCK } >Enter Password } >Password incorrect } >Enter Passowrd } >Password incorrect } >Enter Password } >Password incorrect } >Send query } >How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? } >No response } >How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? } >No response } >How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? } >No response } >System error } >Query will be sent again at 5 minute intervals until user system is } fuctioning properly and able to respond } >Begin loop } >How much wood... --- 570-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most Wise and glorious Oracle who's aura is more blinding than the > brightest sun. > > Please tell me if the girl in my dreams who come to comfort me and tell > me she will be with me soon after I am spurned by other more coporeal > women is real and I am experince a psychic phenomena or am I just > deluding myslef? > > Loveconfused in the rockies And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think a more appropriate question would be as to whether that } talking giant kumquat you've been seeing is really telling you to give } up your membership in the 80-column Club or not, and believe me, he is. } Or at least he should. Boy, howdy. } } "Please tell me if the girl in my dreams who come to comfort me and } tell me shl ..." indeed. } } But the Oracle does not need you to be coherent to know what you } mean! On the contrary! Supplicants are de facto INcoherent, as was } proven by Sir Isaac Oracle in 1532: } } Theorem: Supplicants are incoherent, rambling toads. } Proof: Aw, c'mon! Proof by observation! } QED. } } In any event, the answer to your query is that the vision is not } a psychic phenomena, in that it is only one, and yes, you are deluding } yourself. On the other hand, that kumquat is real. The Oracle suggests } you listen to it. } } You owe the Oracle an abacus. --- 570-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle... ____ > /.../\ > My three year old daughter /.../##\ > was playing with her Legos /.../####\ > the other day and she /.../######\ > handed me this thing /.../###/\###\ > that she made. Every /.../###/ \###\ I have enclosed an > time I look at it or /.../###/\ \###\ illustration. Can > try to figure out how /.../###/ \ \###\ you explain this > she put it together /.../###/ \ \###\ phenomena to me, > I get this royal /.../###/ \ \###\ please? > headache and I seem /.../###/ \ \###\ > to see things /.../###/ \ \###\ > moving in the /.../###/ \ \###\ > shadows out of /.../###/______________\ \###\ > the corner of /........................\ \###\ > my eye. /..........................\ \###\ > ----------------------------- \###/ > \ \#/ > \_________________________________/ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh my..You've got yourself one BIG problem here! Do not..I repeat *DO } NOT* provoke your daughter. She is one of the few humans alive today } who are taking the next evolutionary step towards omnipotence! The } triangular object she has built is a tool she can use to channel her } thoughts into pure energy, and destroy anything in her path. There is } not much that you can do except be extremely nice to her, give her } anything she asks for, and above all, stay out of her way. She will } undoubtedly be experimenting with her new powers, and you wouldn't want } to fall victim to one of her sick little experiments! } } Be careful, and good luck. } } The almighty oracle --- 570-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's in the tenth circle of Hell? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, yes. The tenth circle. So bad that Dante wasn't let } in. Container of the greatest terror known to thinking } beings. What is there? W**DCH*CKS! --- 570-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh greatest Oracle, whose engineering knowledge surpasses all... > > When it comes time to demolish the tallest buildings on Earth, > i.e. the Sears Tower, Empire State Building, CN Tower, World > Trade Center, etc., demolition experts will be faced with an > interesting challenge. In the close confines of a large city > like NYC, Chicago, or Toronto, just blowing them up could cause > a few injuries if the building should topple. > > So, when and how will these buildings be removed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Empire State Building: Destroyed in 1997, along with the rest of New } York, by a terrorist atomic bomb. The leader of the band will release } a videotape: "This action dramatizes the plight of the Upper Middle } Southeast Croatians in their generations-long struggle against } oppression at the hands of the Lower Middle Southeast Croatians." In } retribution, America dispatches three platoons of Marines to } U.M.S.E.C. and wipes out the entire indigenous population, } slaughtering upwards of 75 people. } } Sears Tower: Suffers incremental damage from 2019 through 2032, when } the last floor is destroyed, finally ending the Sears - K-Mart War. } } World Trade Center: Stands until 2243, becoming more and more decrepit } as supermegawallawallabingbangskyscrapers are built in the new } Downtown area (that is, Kansas.) In December 2242, the Greater } Midwestern Urban Area police post the buildings "condemned", but } squatters refuse to leave. Situation comes to a head in August 2243 } during a revival of Spike Lee's "Do The Right Thing"; rioting occurs. } Population of building is arrested and taken to the Greater Midwestern } Urban Area Holding Center (that is, Iowa) and the two towers are } demolished from inside out with quantum black holes. } } CN Tower: Come 2043, they just blow it up. Who cares about a few } lousy Canadians? --- 570-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wonderous Oracle, I am truly in a bind! > > I am a script writer fot the once almost popular TV series MacGyver and > I have gotten myself into a snag in the script that would take HOURS to > rewrite. Can you tell me, gracious Oracle, what incredible and creative > thin MacGyver can do with a chewy granola bar, a tin of spam, and a > mo-ped? Maybe even a few suggestions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You *have* got yourself into a bind, haven't you? Now, if you } had only equipped Mac with a *crunchy* granola bar, you'd be } in business. Because of course, the Peruvian alpaca absolutely } dotes on the stuff (make sure it's the kind with no cashews), } and would migrate many thousands of miles just for a taste. } And I don't think I have to spell out for you what Mac could } do with an alpaca and a can of Spam, as the precious seconds } tick away before the nuclear bomb detonates. Then when all } the shouting is over, Mac can run over the alpaca with the } moped and claim the beast committed suicide. Get my drift? } } You owe the Oracle a can of Spam (extra-crispy style). --- 570-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderful master of all wisdom, please tell me: > > Why did the priest cross the road? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To get a wafer a while. } } You owe the Oracle a Host of better answers. --- 570-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OK? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. Not OK. } } Here's what is wrong. } } 1. No grovel. You -really- must grovel. I cannot help you unless } you grovel, because the lack of grovelling puts my head out of } joint, and I start doing unproductive things like zotting people } or tearing apart their mental fabric by slow degrees. A good } grovel shows not only your high opinion of me, but also your } recognition of your EXTREMELY LOW position with respect to me. } A superb grovel does all that with flair and creativity. } } 2. No content. You cannot get an answer if you don't ask anything. } Instead you'll get wisecracks, or nothing at all, or (if you're } lucky) a lecture like this one. } } 3. Idiocy. You have revealed your nature as an idiot. I have no } need to deal with idiots at all. Why don't you just get it over } with? (No, you don't have to answer. It's a rhetorical } question.) } } 4. Presumptiveness. You have assumed that just because I -can- } figure out what your question is, through a simple application } of my superb Omniscience, that I would want to bother doing so. } Wrong! You get the lecture instead. } } Now go jump off a cliff, and don't send me the cleanup bills, either. --- 570-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh all wise and wonderful, hounour me with an answer so that I > may sleep again... > > A cat when dropped allways lands on it's feet. > a piece of buttered bread when dropped always lands butter side > down. > > What oh wise and wonderfull would happen if you were to staple > a piece of bread butter side up to the back of a cat and then drop it? > > Also Oh wise and wonderfull do you feel the hight of the > building you drop them from is important? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The bread will always fall off. No adhesive or fastener in the } universe is strong enough to bind a cat to a slice of buttered bread. } } The height of the building is only important if you want more than one } sample data point. } } You owe the Oracle a slice of buttered cat. --- 570-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose attributes are so wonderful that my humble groveling > could never adequately describe them (so I'll probably decline ...) > > Why is it so hard to work on Fridays? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because the lures of Saturday are so great! } It is even sometimes hard to work on Thursdays....