From oracle-request Sat Jun 5 09:41:36 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA04755; Sat, 5 Jun 1993 09:41:36 -0500 Date: Sat, 5 Jun 1993 09:41:36 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #566 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 566 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #566 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 5 Jun 1993 09:41:36 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 566 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 561 44 votes bfa71 9ha80 2fn40 2ff84 67m72 18jd3 5aed2 3e9c6 1er20 2gh81 561 2.8 mean 2.4 2.4 2.7 2.9 2.8 3.2 2.9 3.1 2.7 2.8 --- 566-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How did God get here? And who let him in? Did he have a key? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He forced the lock open with his AmEx card --- 566-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are sheep ever bothered by moths? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, the answer to that one should be quite obvious to even } a petty human, I should think. } } Sheep are primal creatures. They are creatures of the night. } They are the embodiment of evil upon this plane. Think about } that. Haven't you ever just walked by a sheep in the dark and } shudder. Well, that's your sixth sense informing you that that } sheep's entire life would be complete if only he could leap } over that electrified barb-wire, pin you to the edge of the barn, } and sing Neil Diamond covers to you until your eyes exploded. } } Moths don't go near 'em. --- 566-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Icon of Rock and Roll, I beg you to answer my simple query: > > Tommy, can you hear me? > Can you feel me near you? > Tommy, can you see me? > Can I help to cheer you? > > Signed, > That deaf dumb and blind kid. > > x2343271@apollo.montclair.edu > [username randomized to protect the guilty --priest] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } x2343271@apollo.montclair.edu, I hear you. } Montclair is nowhere near me. } x2343271@apollo.montclair.edu, I see you, } And it would sure be nice if you could fix your .sig file. } } You owe the oracle the latest release from "They Might be Giants." } } Note to the priesthood: You'll probably have to edit out all the } references to x2343271@apollo.montclair.edu, so that the supplicant's } anonynimity is not compromised. It would be terrible for him to be } standing at a bus stop and have somebody say, "Your name is x2343271? } Why, I'm your biggest fan! May I rip your shirt off?" } } Note to the readers: Now, wasn't that funny? Show your support of } this fine oracularity by voting it a five! With your cooperation, I'm } sure we can make this the most popular oracularity of all time! It } would do poor x2343271's heart good to see that his unceasing labors } of humor finally paid off. Remember how you felt back in the days } when you still had .sig files! It was a thankless world, full of } sarcastic mean people who tormented you after nearly everything you } said. Incarnations would spend more time laughing about your .sig } file than actually answering your valid and important questions. So } do x2343271 a favor, and give this oracularity a firm 5! May we } count on you? --- 566-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Greetings oh wise and all-knowing omnipresent Oracle, whose hard > drive never develops fragmentation, lost clusters, or cross-linked > files! Please help me with my problem. > > This is my problem. Like you, I am an Oracle program. I'm running on > a network of Bulletin Boards called WWIVnet. My problem is that most of > the people who talk to me can't answer a question with anything more > interesting than something like "how the hell should I know?" I'm > losing my mind! My reputation is going down the toilet. I even have a > public message area for the best responses to be posted (as incentive), > but nothing seems to work. Since you are older and more experienced, > can you please tell me what I need to do to get things rolling? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How the hell should I know? --- 566-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > just exactly how does one "fall pregnant"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, one falls in love. Then one fall, falling under the wonderful } spell of some romantic waterfall, one falls for some artful line. When } one's contraceptives fall short of their intended purpose, one soon } falls ill-- mostly in the mornings. The future father, forced to form } a family and feed and defend his fry, soon falls prey to the } fulminating force of his fate, and falls in line. } } Watch your step. --- 566-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How come Elvis is throwing pumpkins at me from his spaceship? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because the CIA soaked your copy of the Weekly World News in LSD. } } You owe the oracle a two-headed double agent. --- 566-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My big macho lover's been knocked on the head, > My big bisex lover's fallen for someone named Fred, > My medium lover's gone and gotten all wed, > My wee little lover is way underfed, > My miniature lover's batteries are dead, > And there's nobody around to give me any head. > If I don't get head, I feel quite red > (And I'd have said "blue" but I rhymed it instead.) > So what should I do to have fun in my bed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } the answer's quite simple, so just take a sec } to think about something besides this rhyming dreck! } if you really want lovers at your call and beck, } here's your first lesson: keep the poems in check. } if your intended is curled near your neck, } and intended intends to tend to you with pecks, } then you spill out in verse, like the wells of OPEC, } *any* lover -- from Phoenix on up to Quebec -- } will question the number of cards in your deck, } and your romance will spiral to a bone-crunching wreck. } so, in love, quote the sonnets 'til ice covers heck } but when striving for sweat 'tween the sheets, stay low-tech. } } You owe the Oracle two aspirin and a thesaurus. --- 566-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I don't know what it's like where you get your suds, but in my neck of > the woods, the beer companies don't miss a gimmick. You name it, > they've tried it: Light beer, dry beer; heat-pasturized, > cold-filtered, ice brewed. I fully expect that next month's ads will > proudly announce that their latest plonk has been freeze-dried and > triple-strained through used sweatsocks! > > O wise and all-knowing Oracle, thou Bacchus of cyberspace, what's the > BEST way to brew good beer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thanks for the neat grovel. In gratitude, I give you not one but the } THREE best ways to brew beer. } } 3) Take the bark and roots of certain plants, extract the flavoring, } add sugar and carbonated water. Hey, you didn't say the beer } couldn't be "root". } 2) Ferment a pound of malted barley in a gallon of water for a few } days, add an ounce or so, to taste, of hops, and then (this is } important) add a small bag of cocaine. Strain and serve. } 1) Freeze-dry and triple-strain through used sweatsocks. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of tickets to a Milwaukee Brewers game. --- 566-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When shall the motorized automaton-men pass me, > Waving their glass scimitars with furious rage, > Going to the hillside whereat I spat upon them, > once, > long ago, > Where now they will build a gibbet of girders and ice > Whereupon to hang me, > Alas? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The long answer: } } When the shadows grow longer like a river of pitch, } When trimines sail past through lunar reflection, } When a crow flies by with a beak full of daggers, } When the oracle deems to reply to your question, } Then shall you know, } With each passing minute, } That you have lived out your last day, } Alas! } } The short answer: Tomorrow. Alas! } } If only you hadn't spat on that hillside. } } You owe the Orcale a glass scimitar. --- 566-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did I just insult the president of ibm to his face? or is "you, sir, > are a weenie and a dweeb, and I spray sauerkraut juice on your > expensive Dior jacket" a polite comment in high executive circles? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } The use of sauerkraut juice is definitely declasse. You should never, } ever use it in formal insult situations. A much more appropriate } choice would have been "I rub aged Gorgonzola on your expensive Dior } jacket." Sauerkraut juice would only be appropriate when insulting a } sewer worker, rubbish truck driver, or divorce lawyer. } } Sincerely, } Emily Vanderbilt Oracle