From oracle-request Thu May 27 08:00:16 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA20638; Thu, 27 May 1993 08:00:16 -0500 Date: Thu, 27 May 1993 08:00:16 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #564 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 564 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #564 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 27 May 1993 08:00:16 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 564 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 559 57 votes 6tg51 1ere1 8ihc2 07ima 1dqc5 9ph42 4did9 08nga 19qh4 09kl7 559 3.1 mean 2.4 3.0 2.7 3.6 3.1 2.4 3.2 3.5 3.2 3.5 --- 564-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [Editor's Note -- .sig deleted to protect the guilty] > > [Eds NOTE -- the above note wasn't really by the editor, it was a part > of the original query] > > [Priest's Note -- actually, neither of the notes above were added by a > priest, and I would thank the supplicants not to pretend that they are > adding notes by the priest. I have deleted the third note, which was > disgusting.] > > [Kinzler -- Well, I wish you hadn't deleted the third note, because our > readers like disgusting things, and I think the two first notes are > cute. The current third note, by the way, wasn't written by any priest > I know of, either. Oh, by the way, after all this deleting and > restoring, I think I may have cut out the supplicant's question by > accident, but everyone should be able to tell what it was by the > Oracle's response.] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Editor's Note -- The Oracle's response was somewhat innappropriate } and therefore we felt it necessary to remove certain portions of } the text. Every asterisk represents a segment that was deleted.] } } [Priest's note -- Due to circumstances beyond our control, the Oracle } has deleted this sentance. We therefore have deleted the Oracle's } sentence that replaced the previous sentence, and so this is not a } sentence. In fact, there are no sentences in this sentence, since } this sentence is not a sentence, rather it is a sentence. But if } the first sentence were not deleted, then there would be two sentences, } but since it was, there are only three sentences instead of one. } But this sentence preceeds the previous sentence and therefore is } out of place. Since this is the last sentence, I will say that the } next sentence is actually the first sentence..] } } [Editor's Note -- The Oracle's actual response follows below. Remember } that the asterisks represent deleted fragments of text..] } } Greetings supplicant. I think the answer to your * is quite simple. } Your problem is * such a stupid person! If it weren't for such * } the nuts are quite round. In fact, it could be said that your * } are slimy and small. One thing that can cause this is * pens can be } quite stiff at times. } } Your keyboard is of very low quality, and the mouse ball is probably } * discharging erratically. You should try not to * use repetitious } thrusting action. It can wear out the * components. } } [Editor's Note -- We apologize if the original meaning has not been } preserved, but we felt that the Oracle's message was not appropriate } for all age groups. The Oracle is presently being forced to clean the } slopes of Olympus as retribution.] } } [Priest's note -- And furthermore, if this sentence were before the } previous sentence, then this too would not be a true sentence because } sentences are only sentences when they are surrounded by other valid } sentences in the correct order. Perhaps you have noticed some spelling } or grammar errors? Those too can make a sentence into a non-sentence. } Prehaps you have heard of clauses and phrases? They are not sentences. } But only sentences will suffice. If it weren't for sentences, there } would be no sentences. So I must make this sentance make sense, and } make a proper transition to the next sentence. This sentence belongs } before the last sentence, so the first sentence should be moved to the } end of this sentence. This is the last sentence.] } } You owe the Oracle a wet * --- 564-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear oracle, > > I have one question. Why have the flying microwaves taken to > nesting in the roof of my house? Should I see someone about this > problem, as it seems theyve scared the crawling refrigerators away from > underneath the house. > Yours in surreality, > P.S. should I clean that strange fungus off the bread in the kitchen > before eating it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey Bill, good to hear from you ! } Looks like the strain is starting to show, though. } Hey look, nobody minded about that little puff, but if this gets out } something's really going hit the fan if you know what I mean. } Just take some vitamin B and get Hilary to tell you some stories about } JFK. In a few hours you'll be back at the helm and you'll remember that } that 'strange fungus' is called 'crust'. } } You owe the oracle a solution to all the worlds problems. --- 564-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How are you today? > > thanx And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, since you asked.... } } I was rudely awakened by the damn alarm clock at 5.30am. Why, you ask? } Because the Oracle still hac one more exam to take. Now, mind you, the } exam didn't start until 8, but in order to miss the rush hour traffic } that New Jersey is so famous for, I had to leave early. Because I have } this amazing luck, it turns out that there was no traffic at all, and } I was stuck here an hour early. The car got a flat as I was puling on } to campus, and I lost the spare. After locating another tire that fit, } (remind me to thank the Dean for letting me borrow it from his car), } I replaced the tire and parked. After struggling for 4 hours with the } irregular verbs in Esperanto, I returned to the parking lot to find my } car covered with hundreds of tickets. Well, a bunch. OK, OK one ticket. } Allright!! So it was a ticket to see TOMMY tomorrow afternoon, but it } was a ticket nonetheless. I returned to the computer lab, on the way } tripping over a construction site, and breaking my leg, which I had set } at the Health Center on my way here. After logging onto my favorite } MUD, my character died four times, my mail account was canceled, and } the entire campus system shut down. I found out that I failed my yoga } exam, and that my dorm burned down. And to top it all off, I just broke } a nail on the damn keyboard!!!!! } } My day's been just peachy, how was yours? --- 564-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most enligthened and wise Entity, whose toes I am not worthy > to lick, and whose underwear shines like the setting of a thousand > suns, please answer my humble query, and I shall be forever grateful, > if I do not drop dead just from knowing this infinitesimal amount of > the knowledge that rightfully is yours and yours alone. > > If there are no good oracularities anymore, why don't you just write a > couple of good questions yourself? Surely no priest can find anything > that you've written bad. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Despite thy disrespectful and embarrassingly long torturous grovel, I } deign to answer thy question. } } Whenever I detect the quality of oracularities is diminishing, I } compose one or two questions anonymously, and submit them to myself. A } recent example of my efforts was the question: } } Why are we here? } } I then answer these displaying my customary benign wit/abrupt severity, } and invariably they end up on the Oracularities digest. You have } displayed some considerable insight in your comment regarding the } priests - this was proved recently with my aforesaid question, my } answer to which was simply: } } ZOT. } } and which made it onto the recent Oracularities. Those ridiculously } loyal priests! } } You owe the Oracle an Oracle. --- 564-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, wise and mighty Usenet Oracle, I am stuck in a quandry. I have only > your infinite wisdom to turn to. Susan B. is obviously destined to > become a math major. Yet, she stubbornly ignores her calling. What > reasons can I give her to become a math major? What can I tell her to > prove to her that the Math Way is the one true path?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TOP TEN THINGS TO SAY TO SUSAN B } TO CONVINCE HER TO MAJOR IN MATH } } 10) "I bet Professor Waincorder would give you a really good } recommendation to the scholarship board if you just unfroze a little." } } 9) "You can catch errors in the checkout line at Safeway, and win a } free can of Vienna Sausages!" } } 8) "It may not be exiting, it may not be moral-- but by gum, the DOD } is a *reliable* employer." } } 7) "Just think-- not matter *what*, you'd have a horde of classmates } wanting to take you out on a Saturday night! Some even shower!" } } 6) "Silicon Valley companies are always looking to fill out their } affirmative action quotas, so you wouldn't even have to be that good!" } } 5) "Shakespeare? Faugh! Now, Euclid-- there's poetry!" } } 4) "C delta phi d-bra! Ha! Ha! Ha! Get it? Get it?" } } 3) "Business Administration? Oh, come on, you don't want to make a } living bullying your inferiors, dressing nattily, and drinking Perrier } with male models, do you?" } } 2) "This is the field for you. You'll run rings around 'em. } Everything is all set. Count on it. Ha! Ha! Ha! Get it? Get it?" } } 1) "We're not pathetic wankers! Honest! No, we're not!" --- 564-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Write an essay for 30 marks on > > a) The Toothbrush: It's Use and Abuse And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Apostrophe: Its Use and Abuse } } You owe me 30 marks and 30 francs and 30 lire and 30 yen. --- 564-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Infinite Oracle, why can't I divide by zero? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, dear mortal, but you can. } } The problem lies rooted in a deep historical conflict between } mathematics and accountancy. The zero was invented by accounts, and } only later admitted by mathematicians, who only after seeing how useful } it was grumped that they knew it all the time. } } Many people say that you can't divide by zero, but as I said you can. } Try it yourself, sometime. It may cause your calculator to spell out } ErrOr, but nonetheless, you did it. This particular feature is also the } basis for the famous "James Tiberius Kirk School of Cybernetic Judo" } wherein the largest of electronic minds are laid low by this smallest } (in magnitude) of numbers. } } But I digress. When you divide by the numbers that mathematicians } create, you get a mathematicians answer -- one well-defined answer. } This is well and good, but also boring as you must know. However, when } you divide by the accountant's number, zero, you get an accountant's } answer, which is, "What would you like it to be?" } } This fact is what caused mathematicians to declare that there could be } no zero (and for that matter, no negative numbers). It wasn't until the } wiser accountants invented lending, interest, usury, and national debt } that the mathematicians saw the utility of zeroes at all, and finally } relented. But they still get grumpy about the grandest accountant's } trick of all, dividing by zero. } } Dividing by zero and applying a little creativity can get you any } answer you choose. Those who tell you otherwise are either jealous } mathematicians, or people who aren't terribly creative. Both of these } sorts of people have finite brains, and are disturbed by an infinite } multitude of answers, so they tell you things like that "undefined." } Whatever that means. They certainly don't. If you don't believe me, ask } them. They will likely tell you that it means that it's undefined. Oh, } sure, they may wrap a lot of jargon and fast talk around it, but I can } assure you that it all boils down to undefined meaning that it's } undefined. This isn't a very good definition, if you ask me, and } demonstrates that the only rigor in this definition is rigor mortis of } the polyhedral lobes. Be sure to tell them I said this. When they get } hot under the collar, you will know I'm right. } } In conclusion, I should add this one small warning. Although you *can* } divide by zero, it is unwise to do so, unless you know what you are } doing. It is best done only by professional accountants and liberal } mathematicians. You can hurt yourself when dividing by zero. For } example, if the IRS catches you at it, they will likely not find it } amusing (you are, after all, intruding on their turf). They will likely } apply "penalties and interest" to the calculations that *they* would } like to have happened, and justice itself would dictate that they } compute them turning the denominator of the interest into a lowly but } useful zero. } } Regards, } The Big O --- 564-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wonderous Oracle, whose wisdom falls like acid rain upon a parched > artic wilderness. > > The office here is rather dull, what can you suggest to liven things up And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Work naked. } } You owe the Oracle some pretty decorations. --- 564-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O glorified, great and galumptious Orrie, please tell me how many > M&M's are in a packet of M&M's? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } None. They wade a wistake and put ones warked "W" in the packages } instead. } } You ome the Oracle a Wars bar and anything wanufactured by Millie } Monka. --- 564-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and marvelous Oracle of exceptionl coolness, please tell me > where I can find Trisdab 'the mule' Smith. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } The Oracle is on vacation. He will return to this dimension next } Tuesday. A temporary will be working in his place. Please refer all } questions to Miss. Manners. Sorry for the inconvinance. } } } Mr. Trisdab Smith had an unfortunate incident last Thursday. } While driving to work at approximately 8:57 AM on I-90, he } cut off Marty 'Same to you pal!' Bananobitz from the right. Taking } umbrage at this little breech in roadway good manners, Mr. Bananobitz } sped up and attempted to overtake Mr. Smith while honking vigorously. } Mr. Bananobitz passed Mr. Smith by driving in the emergency lane and } successfully delivered a bladder like sound with his tongue. Mr. } Smith, perhaps unimaginitively, responded with a quick upwards gesture } and sped up. At this point, Mr. Bananobitz, who had "the pedal to the } metal" was cut off again by Mr. Smith swerving into the emergency lane, } thus bringing home to him the superior acceleration capabilities of } large, late model domestic cars vs. the small, early model foreign cars } that your brother-in-law Ed 'that weasel' sells you. No doubt it was } this very point that caused Mr. Bananobitz's face to turn quite that } shade of beet and yell angry words while spraying copious amounts of } spittle onto his windshield and dashboard. } } As they sped along the highway, they approached the semi driven by } Harris 'Big Harry' McGee. It was at this point that Mr. Smith failed } to note the bumper sticker 'This Truck insured by Smith & Weston'. } Like a Zero climbing into a cloud bank, Mr. Bananobitz ducked his small } but manuverable car around the 18-wheeler. Lulled into overconfidance } and believing his foe vanquished, Trisdab began to come up on Mr. } McGee's right. This annoyed Mr. McGee but as it was a fine spring day, } with the blue birds flying about, Mr. McGee resolve to let this pass. } One second later, he reversed his decision at the noise of Mr. Smith's } late model domestic crunching into the wheel well and front grill. } Trisdab had swerved to avoid Mr. Bananobitz's auto which had snuck up } on the other side. The author hesitates to reveals the details of the } events which transpired next because of the delicate sensibilities of a } refined public. When Mr. Smith stopped to exchanged insurance papers, } both Mr. McGee and Mr. Bananobitz stopped as well, boxing him in. } Suffice to say that 1) 'Big Harry' deserves his moniker, 2) the } paramedic who first arrived on the scene was very surprised at the } placement of Mr. Smiths steering wheel. } } Mr. Smith can be found at Our Lady of Loving, Graceful } Sacred, Holy Heart recovering nicely. He should be able talk about his } experiences in several weeks. Tropical flowers would be appropriate. } } You owe Miss Manners, in her capacity as acting Oracle, Al Bundy's head } on a sliver platter.