From oracle-request Fri Apr 16 08:16:19 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA16896; Fri, 16 Apr 1993 08:16:19 -0500 Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1993 08:16:19 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #556 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 556 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #556 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 16 Apr 1993 08:16:19 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 556 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 551 58 votes js830 3foc4 2bqe5 18qi5 ecce6 5dn6b 39og6 16fgk 26jla 4ane7 551 3.1 mean 1.9 3.0 3.2 3.3 2.8 3.1 3.2 3.8 3.5 3.2 --- 556-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty oracle, > > I am but a poor and simple man with a desire for knowledge. > Please tell me what happens when Pasta and Anti-pasta are brought > into contact with each other. I have both in my cupboard and am > leary of how close they sit toghether. Is this a dangerous > situation? Will any harmful byproducts be generated? > > Humbly yours, > homeboy And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh poor but sufficiently high in carbohydrates supplicant, } } pasta and anti-pasta can annihilate when brought into contact, but } only when the pastas match. You are in no danger so long as your } pasta is rigatoni and your anti-pasta is spaghetti-, for example. } } You must be careful if the pasta and anti-pasta match, however. The } interactions of the exploding particles (the 'macarons') can produce } a bewildering array of smaller particles such as rigatons, francons, } lasagnons, onions, parmesons, and ravions, not to mention heat } energy in the form of scalding hot red sauce. } } You owe the Oracle some gluons with which to make tofu. --- 556-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OH Mighty Oracle, > Please imagine this first paragraph as an infinite amount of the > highest grovels possible. That is from here . . . . . . . . . . . . . > . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . > . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . to here. > Now, pleasse grant me this miniscule wish. Oh, tell me, Great > One, > > If the G.I. Joe team that invaded our T.V.'s in the 80's were such an > elite corps of military persona, how did they manage to keep their job? > They knew their enemy -- Cobra. They knew who the leader of Cobra > was. And they had the most God-awful arsenal of weaponry on the face > of the planet. Yet, they never killed anyone or even took any > prisoners. I wonder, now with my knowledge of your immense power, if > You had a hand in the actions of those figures. I cannot imagine any > other way that someone's jet fighter could be engulfed in laser-fire > and go dow in a screaming ball of flames, and THEN CRAWL OUT OF THE > WRECKAGE!! This was very traumatic to my then young soul. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Hello, this is Hector Ramerez... and this is 'Twenty Questions,' the } show where we ask the TOUGH QUESTIONS." } } "Tonight, in our studio, we have a special guest. Mr. X, a man who } has worked within the defense industry for twenty years, he is now } coming forward to tell the story of one of the largest embezzlement } scams ever pulled on the federal government." } } "Because of the dangerous people involved in this scandal, we have } taken the precaution of concealing his identity behind this screen and } electronically disguising his voice." } } HEAVILY DISTORTED VOICE: "Yes. I was involved." } } "Please elaborate, Mr. X." } } HDV: "Back in the early eighties, we in the defense industry were } interested in the long-term survival of the Soviet Union." } } "You mean 'survival FROM,' don't you?" } } HDV: "No, survival OF. If the Soviet Union were to suddenly } dissolve, we would all be out of work." } } "Understood. Please continue." } } HDV: "Anyway, we ran computer simulations. Thousands, if not } millions of them. And they all lead to the same conclusion: total } dissolution of the Soviet Union by 1995." } } "Which has occurred, of course." } } HDV: "Right. Well, you could understand how the news panicked the } industry. Obviously, we either had to find a new client, or better } yet, a new threat for our existing client." } } (Figure pauses to take a drink.) } } HDV: "Then some marketing genius came up with the idea of Cobra." } } "Cobra, the international terrorist organization was a marketing } ploy?!?" } } HDV: "Yes. Most of Cobra's 'members' are actually out-of-work } defense employees." } } "But how could you convince otherwise-patriotic workers to attack the } United States?" } } HDV: "Cobra's stated goal was conquest of the United States. In } reality, their goal was much more subtle: to keep corporations like } Boeing and General Dynamics in business." } } (The figure pauses, buries face in hands.) } } HDV: "The company constantly referred to it as a 'gag.'" } } HDV: "It worked too... for a time. Cobra would pop up unexpectedly, } attack randomly, the US would buy arms, and they'd disappear before } troops actually got sent in." } } "You said 'for a time...' I'm assuming something went wrong? You } lost control of Cobra?" } } HDV: (laughs) "If only it were so simple! No, some smart-assed } general figured it all out, collected evidence, and blackmailed the } involved companies. He didn't want to expose us... he wanted in on } the 'gag.'" } } HDV: "Then things got weird." } } (Figure pauses for more water.) } } HDV: "With an insider within the military, the 'gag' got more } involved. He subtly rearranged forces, collecting misfits and problem } cases into one unit which he called 'Special Counter-Terrorist Group } Delta,' and which the media nicknamed 'G.I. Joe.'" } } (Figure laughes bitterly.) } } HDV: "These guys were pitiful. They spent more time coming up with } cute nicknames for themselves and designing the most non-uniform } 'uniforms' that the world has ever seen." } } HDV: "At this point, we stopped even TRYING to sell weapons." } } "Please elaborate." } } HDV: "An example: They wanted specially-designed laser rifles that } could stun a target without killing him." } } "And?" } } HDV: "We sold them rifles that made a cool sound and flashed lights. } As dangerous as a fluorescent bulb." } } "We have an example of such a rifle here..." } } (Stagehand comes on with dangerous-looking laser rifle.) } } "Now, if this was an actual kilowatt laser rifle..." } } (Stagehand raises rifle and fires at Hector. He is unharmed.) } } "...I'd be dead right now." } } HDV: "Those guys were such lousy shots we could have given them REAL } rifles and STILL noone would have gotten hurt." } } "How much did you sell these rifles to the government for?" } } HDV: "Seventy-five thousand apiece." } } "And your construction price?" } } HDV: "A hundred twenty-five, with parts from 'Radio Shack.'" } } "How many people have died since the beginning of this 'gag'?" } } HDV: "Oh, about thirty-five, some from accidents, some from natural } causes." } } "How many have died on the battle field?" } } (Figure says nothing.) } } "Sir, how many have died on the battle field?" } } HDV: "As far as I can tell, no one." } } "I can understand how you were able to fake the battles... but how } were you able to fake the invasion of Washington, D.C.?" } } HDV: (laughs) "That was even easier. We got some senators in on the } 'gag,' senators up for reelection that needed some positive publicity, } and we gave it to them." } } "Sir, before we switch over to our next guest, my final question is: } How much did this 'gag' cost the American Taxpayers?" } } HDV: "Three-quarters of a trillion dollars; that is, seven hundred } fifty billion dollars. Of course, some of that is from the toy } sales..." } } "And there you have it. The largest fraud in the history of American } politics, a fraud so large Iran-Contra and Watergate pale into } insignificance beside it." } } "When we come back, from a satellite hookup with the Pentagon, General } Clayton M. Abernathy, code name 'Hawk,' will discuss the implications } of these revelations..." } } You owe the Oracle a cartoon; not just any cartoon, but one: } scripted by FLINT DILLE, animated by JEAN CHOPIN, and scored by HAIM } SABAN. Also an excuse for "Transformers Generation 2" and the DIC } version of "G.I. Joe." --- 556-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Act I, Scene 1. > > [The stage is dark, lit only by the lurid red of an EXIT sign upstage > right. After a minute, a door opens stage left, and a thin man in a > jogging suit enters carrying a battered folding chair. He walks down > center, unfolds the chair and sits facing the audience.] > > Jogger: My mother hated me. > > [Several minutes pass. A tall, willowly woman with very long, black > hair stands up in the center front row of the audience.] > > Janet: Your mother hated you? We paid $40 to get into this lousy play, > and all you can say is that your mother hated you?! This you > call drama? > > Jogger: What could be more dramatic than a boy hated by his own mother? > Denied even the simple comfort of maternal love! > > Janet: That's not drama, that's soap opera. I could get as much for > free on the ten o'clock news hearing about Woody and Mia. > > Jogger: Ha! You think reality can compare to the theater? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah. At last, a supplicant with a REAL question. You want me to } use my Ph.D. in dramatic arts from Columbia University to analyze } the foregoing theatrical fragment and interpret it's true } meaning. Gladly, oh artistic one. } } The "jogger" is a postmodern representation of the dis-identified } self. Like D-FENS, Jogger has no name, no motivation, and he is } the unpredicated pseudo-self. He is The Thin Man, homonunculus } ridiculous, seated on a folding chair rather than the traditional } "stool" in direct opposition to Freudian constructions of the } pre-Lacanian Oedipal symbolism of the anal stage. He exists only } in that his space is defined by the mother, or, rather, the } (m)Other, or not-mother. The heckler in the audience represents } all women who are, and yet are not, (m)Other. The heckler } defines him, and at the same time she ingests him. He and the } heckler become one, just as he and the (m)Other are joined as he } sits on that which is not a stool. The references to "Woody and } Mia" are both reflexive and recursive. They serve to rivet the } action in the postmodern present and yet define it outside of } time and society itself. Hence "Woody and Mia" become a } pseudo-psychological shorthand for the desire to kill the mother } and marry the father, sell the story to the highest bidder, and } move to postmodern Paris, where one can live out one's last days } in a sort of reverse-Oedipal paradise, suckling at the breast of } culture and eating the meat of the self. } } You owe the Oracle an English-Criticalese translator, and your } GPA. --- 556-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh oracle most wise and fabled, tell me why microsoft will write > documentation that is blatantly wrong (not just once but in THREE > places) and then say "hmmm...best we can figure....". please tell me > why one of my gods of software have forsaken me. have i not sacraficed > my daily user? have i not burned enough wordperfect manuals ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Foolish Mortal, } } I will answer by way of a fable. Once, a long time ago (as } computers go these days...) there was a humble devoted servant of the } almighty deity D'allah. This servant, who we will call Bill, crawled } out from under a rock and realized that the Big Blue Giant was } searching for a soul. While the Big Blue Giant had a brain, and } memory, and all the usual Giant accompaniments, he had no soul to } speak of. (He did have drive, though. Two of them, in fact.) } So humble, devoted Bill talked soothingly to the Giant, and in } return for the Giant not eating him, among other things, Bill agreed to } create a soul for the Big Blue Giant. When the Giant's soul was } finished, Bill looked at it and said: "Dumb Old Sucker," and quickly } forced it upon the Giant. } The Giant, fooled into beleiving that the new soul was better } than the old one that he had actually had since Creation, even though } it was a shallow copy with a mere improvement or two, began to romp } around the countryside telling all his brothers and sisters to get the } new soul. } Humble, devoted Bill asked each and every Giant (even though } some were downright small) for a small token in return for a new soul, } and soon, he was rolling in it. He had never been closer to D'allah. } A time came, however, when the Big Blue Giant looked at Bill } and said, in what was to be a remarkably prophetic statement, } especially for a Giant: "You stink, Bill." The other giants merely } scoffed the Big Blue Giant, saying that Bill's souls were the Best. } In a few years, Bill had amassed a great number of tokens, } and, seeing that the Giants were all revelling in his retread souls } (which he would update every so often, for a price), he decided to } augment his already lucrative services. In addition to tired old } souls, he began foisting off quickly and poorly conceived additions. } These he gave sharp, small names, like Access, so that the Giants } could all remember them. } However, in his hurry to become close to D'allah, he neglected } to be sure that they would not compete with each other. So quickly } hashed together were Bill's new things that Bill did not have time to } even read the descriptions his minions, now doing all the work for } none of the reward, had written to allow the Giants, who should have } known better, to use the extra things. The results were catastrophic. } The Giants soon were unable to talk to each other, since the options } they had gotten from Bill varied so much from Giant to Giant, let } alone from version to version, and the Giants all found themselves } slow and fat from the demands of the new things from Bill. } To make a long, boring fable short and boring, Bill was turned } upon by the Giants, who demanded that he withdraw all his souls and } additions that caused great strife and bickering between them, and } went around the corner to a man called The Wizard, where the same } thing happened all over again, without the Giants even questioning } it. } } MORAL: If you're going to screw the Giants (even the little } ones) be sure you have a monopoly. } } Thus, foolish mortal, you can see that you are just one User } in a vast sea of Users who, tired of chewing on Microsoft fatware that } is too big, too slow, incompatible and poorly documented, needs to go } off the see the Wizard. } } You owe the Oracle a working version of LAN Manager 2.1. --- 556-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jim@vpm.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > #include > > // The following code segment poses a philosophical question to the > // Usenet Oracle. Expect a response in a day or so. > > question = (2*b || !(2*b)); > whether = (mind->tis_nobler) * 2 * > suffer(outrageous_fortune.slings, outrageous_fortune.arrows) > take(arms) - troubles[sea] && opposing(end(them)); And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } kill -9 Polonius Ophelia Gertrude Claudius Laertes Hamlet Rosenkrantz \ } Guildenstern } } You owe the Oracle a happy ending. --- 556-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mystic oracle, > > Can more than one magus do it at a time? > Does it take a season all by itself? > Does the aura get depleted? > Is it considered as a lab activity? > Am I asking too many questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Can more than one magus do it at a time? } A. Does Ronald Reagan have a neck } B. Can Dan Quale spell } C. Will the Democrats stay in the White House for 4 more years } D. Do pigs fly } E. All of the above } } Does it take a season all by itself? } A. Do NKOTB make you want to barf } B. Do NKOTB actually make you barf } C. DO NKOTB make you want to barf on them } D. Would you rather listen to yourself barf than to the new NKOTB } album } E. All of the above } } Does the aura get depleted? } A. Can making love to 220lbs woman from Arkansas be considerd fun } B. Can making love to two 220lbs women from Arkansas be considerd fun } C. Can making love to a German Shepard be considerd fun } D. Can watching a German Shepard make love to two 220lbs Arkansas } women be considered fun } E. Is an obsession with overweight Arkansas woman and German Shepards } enaged in sex outside the confines of a monogamous long-term } relationship healthy } F. All of the above } } Am I asking too many questions? } A. Does the stuff on your hand after a decent sneeze make you sick } B. Is picking in your ear and/or nose and then looking at you finger } disgusting } C. Does a dog lick its private parts } D. Do you wish you could lick yor private parts } E. All of the above } } Give your self 1 point for each time you answered A. 2 points for a } B answer, 3 for a C, 4 for D, and 10 for a answer of E. } } If your score is : } } 0 : You are most probably dead } Between 0 and 1000 : 1. You are a deranged lunatic OR } 2. You are a politician OR } 3. You have your own weekly talk show on CBS } 1000 and above : You are a candidate for Financial Advisor to } Donald Trump --- 556-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O timeless Oracle, O everlasting through the tumble of the centuries > what were you when you weren't what you are, > and what will you be when you're not? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O numbingly skeptical supplicant, } } Why would you ask what I was when I wasn't what I am and what I would } be if I would not be, if I am timeless? What am I that I would be } what I wasn't if I weren't what I am and how would I have been what } I was before I had been what I am if I am what I was when I wasn't? } } The answer to these questions are simple: } } 1) You are just trying to confuse me, and } 2) I'm just pretending to be me. } } The answer to your questions are equally simple: } } 1) A supplicant, just like you, trying to confuse me (but just the } imaginary me.) } 2) Sorry I ever answered this question. } } You owe the Oracle a good brainwash and wax. --- 556-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm going to be here for about two more weeks, but I can't figure out > what to do, who to fuck, where to pee, what to eat, or how to get this > little teddy bear off my neck. Can you help me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You'd better sober up for exam week, buster. --- 556-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose divine afflatus pervades the firmament with > evanescently effervescent effulgence, > > I have a problem with the name of the eighth planet. > Is it pronounced "urinous", or "your anus"? > > Oh, and by the way, what do all those big words in my Grovel mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O inconsequential supplicant, whose ineffaceable banality is akin to } a conflagrant rectal sphincter. Thank you for those words regarding } my omnipresence. } } The eighth planet (of Sol) was originally named by is discoverer, } Claudius Hugo Horshieser Weinkelstein (1497-1532), as is the tradition } in astronomy. He naturally named it after himself: planet } Weinkelstein. Upon his discovery, he bragged and gloated how forever } forth this planet, so close to Earth, would be named after himself. } Unfortunately, Claudius was not well liked by his jealous peers. } } A gala event was held to announce the discovery. Weinkelstein would } publically announce the name of his planet. Upon his entry to the ball } room where the event was being held, he fell to his death down a rather } long stariway. (It is largely believed that he was pushed. Since no } one really liked him anyway, no investigation was launched.) } } Since Weinkelstein was dead and the planet had not yet been named, } chaos insued. A committee of reknown astronomers was formed to name } the new planet. The settled on the name Uranus, pronounced "Your } anus", which means asshole in latin. This name was chosen because all } members of the committee agreed that Weinkelstein was one and that the } common Weinkelstein was one. } } You owe the Oracle the story of why the nineth planet is named after } a cartoon character. --- 556-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and wise Oracle, whose table I am not worthy enough to varnish, > > Today I put a fan heater in the air contitioned machine room to see > what would happen. Which do you think will win, the A/C or the heater ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Out of the smoking rubble he climbs, shaking his head dazedly. Around } him lies the remains of what was once a machine room. Here and there, } lie the pieces of a fatally wounded VAX or SparcStation II. } } Beside him the bricks move, as that mythical being, the System } Supervisor, ghost-who-types, pulls himself out. } } "What happened ?" he asks. } } The System Supervisor turns. Without his machines, his power is } stripped, he is revealed as ... a human being. Dully, he answers. } } "The A/C unit went nova. Should be over Iceland at this moment." } } "Any idea why ?" } } "Well ... there was a massive surge of power just before it exploded. } Probably tried to compensate for too much heat. Must have been a faulty } thermostat somewhere ..." } } Let your mind's eye become a camera, let it pan out from this miserable } pair. Let it pan out, and smoothly travel across this scene of } devastation. Let it reveal the battered shell of an old fan heater. } } Some things cannot be shown by a camera. Some important things. But } never mind, surely a fan heater could not exude ... smugness ? } } You owe the Oracle a Cray II and a freezer.