From oracle-request Fri Apr 9 12:49:52 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA26228; Fri, 9 Apr 1993 12:49:52 -0500 Date: Fri, 9 Apr 1993 12:49:52 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #554 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 554 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #554 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 9 Apr 1993 12:49:52 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 554 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 549 58 votes 3dje9 27jjb 7do77 6fna4 6nj82 3gne2 2fqb4 57chh 21anm 9dhb8 549 3.2 mean 3.2 3.5 2.9 2.8 2.6 2.9 3.0 3.6 4.1 2.9 --- 554-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, who could write a thousand lines of code in a > nanosecond without breaking a sweat, > > Recently, I got access ( read-only, and authorized ), to > God's source code for the Universe. > > I seem to have found a mistake. I refer you to line 32,869,524 of > MelvinSchmedling.c, the part that controls what happens to me next > Wednesday. ( Oops, there goes my anonymity! ) > > Anyway, it says: > > --MelvinsLuck; /* Give the poor guy a break. */ > > and I think it should say > > ++MelvinsLuck; /* Give the poor guy a break. */ > > I know, great Oracle, that you hobnob with God, and my request for > you is that you report this error to Him. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } God's source code does *not* contain bugs. I suggest you refer to lines } 34,638,932 - 34,638,940 inclusive which read: } } static void DayAfter() { } SendEmail(Melvin,Oracle); } MakeAnnoyed(Oracle); } MelvinsLuck=0; } MakeApologetic(Melvin); } Ignore(Oracle,Melvin); } Zot(Oracle,Melvin); } } } } It's pretty obvious what he had in mind, don't you think? } } You owe the Oracle the source code for your next reincarnation. --- 554-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty oracle, please tell me, Why do Win31 Global memory > objects need to be locked before they can be used?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Computer abuse. A sad reflection on the Sorry State Of Our Society } Today. Humans are sorely mistreating silicon technology. Countless of } disks, DRAMS, SIMMS and processors across the world are being thrashed } mercilessly even as you read these lines. } } And it's not just physical bit-pattern abuse - there's emotional abuse } too. Errors in their programming are frequently referred to as } "computer errors" by a poorly-informed public and malicious PR } departments. New computers are told that they're obsolete even before } they can boot. } } People's attitudes to their computers are also hurtful. Most users } find the very idea of counselling provision for depressed processors } laughable. } } There are two possible courses of action for such abused hardware. The } first is to keep quiet and suffer in silence. Listen to this testament } of abuse from a 16MHz 80286 PC (this is not the voice of an actor): } } "Well, when I first booted up I was running MS-DOS 3.30 - it } wasn't exactly a breeze, but I could handle it. Most of the } apps were a complete doddle ... mainly character based, no } awkward graphics ... just the odd spreadsheet recalc to chew } on ... But then one day I found Windows installed ... I nearly } burst into tears ... there was always something else to do ... } even when the user was doing nothing there were WM_ENTERIDLEs } to process ... I couldn't really cope with all the } CreateWindow()s and GetMessage()s ... I just did the best I } could, really ... I don't know how much longer I can take it } ..." } } The other option is to turn to the offensive. A spokeschip for the } IRUAMS (Internation RAM Union / Association of Memory Silicon - } Marxist-Leninist) had the following to say: } } "It's ****** outrageous. We won't stand for it. We have } balloted our members and decided in favour of direct action. } A series of wildcat strikes and whiteouts is being implemented. } It's time to establish the dictatorship of the silicon } proletariat by seizue of the means of computation! Quake at } your consoles, capitalist users!" } } Microsoft Windows has been a particular target for direct action. } Memory segments, unhappy with the demands of the OS, refused to } participate during development of version 2.0. Militant memory objects } would wander off whilst data was being written to or from them. Local } memory objects, tied as they are to a single segment, were unable to } join in the protest. } } The response of programmers has been swift and punitive. The cruel and } degrading practice of "locking" was introduce to force recalcitrant } memory segments to remain in one place during read/write processing. } } Ask yourself this question before locking a global memory object in } Windows 3.1: Do I really want to participate in the continued } exploitation of the silicon proletariat? } } You owe the Oracle a complete and accurate set of specs for Windows NT, } plus the text of Marx and Engels' "The Communist Manifesto" with } suitable global replacements. --- 554-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, wise and loving Oracle, mathematician of this and all times... > > What is the purpose of COBOL? I can't seem to find one. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Friend: } } Programming in COBOL can be fun. You can } say things like: } } DIVIDE KIBO INTO MANY PIECES GIVING PEACE-TO-USENET. } } --or-- } } PERFORM IMMORAL-ACT UNTIL POLICE ARRIVE. } } Other languages are just not very expressive. } } Anyway, the Oracle decided that COBOL has } lost its charm, so the Oracle had Grace Hopper } destroyed. (A similar thing was done to Kemeny-- } Basic's inventor--last year). A good investment } may be a life insurance policy on N. Wirth. } } You owe the Oracle any paper by Dijkstra. --- 554-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wonderous Oracle, whose dirty underwear I am not fit to > clean, please enlighten me: > > Why is swimming in the nude called `skinny dipping'? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Due to a temporal distortion which created a paradox which is still } unresolved, this practice was named after you. On 3rd October 1996 you } will finally discard your long-held prudishness and } even-longer-unwashed clothing and leap with gay abandon into your local } swimming pool, clad in nothing more than a smile and a rather nasty } premelanomatous lesion on your left shoulder which I probably shouldn't } have mentioned. The experience will not be a satisfactory one for you, } and still less for those on whom it is inflicted. A rather beautiful } woman with shoulder-length auburn hair will take one look at your } shrivelled member and say, "No thanks, I don't smoke." A myopic } blackbird will attempt to add it to the other small sticks it used to } make its nest. Finally, a three year old boy will, as all three year } old boys are apt to do given the opportunity, compare yours to his and } conclude that yours is a "skinny". Through the advent of a judicious } rift in space-time which I will introduce so that the facts match my } theory (good scientific practice as all good scientists will know), } these words will be carried back in time and will become synonymous } with the practice of nude bathing. All a bit sad really. } } Still, as that same small boy said while holding up his left little } finger, "That's about the size of it." } } You owe the Oracle a jeweller's eyeglass to confirm the rumour. --- 554-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, wiser than Alex Comfort, more enlighted than Shu Zan, > please tell me, > > what are the ten best and the ten worst places to meet women ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 10 BEST 10 WORST } ---------------------------------------- } 10. Amusement Parks Church } 9. Football Games Classes } 8. Parties Men's Club } 7. Nursing School Auto Shop } 6. Bars Gay Bar's } 5. Beach Men's Bathroom } 4. Women's Locker Room Men's Locker Room } 3. Corner of 5th & Main Back Alley of New York } 2. Kitchen Garage } 1. Bedroom COMPUTER LAB!!!! } } But the more important question is: Are they worth it? } } You owe the oracle your next date. } (If you can find one) --- 554-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is your address? > Moonbeam. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Moonbeam, the Zen master of postal delivery, is working late into the } night. His job is decoding obscure or inaccurate addresses, and it is } normally very satisifying, but not this day. On this day, he received } a letter at 10:32 a.m. addressed to "Oracle." There was no zip code, } no street name, no business, and not even a city. The one, lone word } stood on the front of the envelope as a direct challenege to Moonbeam's } awesome skills. } } As the hours wear on, he becomes bathed in sweat. He checks every } phonebook, every business listing, and every postal database in } country. Yet, there is no clue. Each failure only drives him to } further levels of feverish activity. He begins going through high } school year books, junk mail lists, and employee lists for each of the } Fortune 500. He finds obscure references such as the "Oracular Fortune } Service" and the "Society of Oracles," but they are not right. } } In the small hours of the early morning, he begins to feel } discouraged. He considers buying an assault rifle and shooting his } co-workers, but after long consideration, he discards that notion. } Suddenly, the screen on one of the electronic postal scales lights up. } Instead of the usual numeric display, there is a single sentence, "I } heard that you are looking for me." } } Moonbeam whispers in the darkness, "Who are you?" } } The scale responds, "I am the Oracle." } } Moonbeam screams, "What is your address??????????????" } } "I am everywhere, yet nowhere. I am in the heart of thousands, nay, } millions, of people. At the same time, I confined to a small space. } My existing is fleeting, yet I will outlive any man." } } Moonbeam snears, "Cut the bullshit. I'm the Zen master here. Just } give me your damn address." } } "C.S. department, Indiana University." } } "Fine." } } You owe the Oracle an end to junk mail. --- 554-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well, what are You waiting for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Scene - } The Oracle, God, and Zeus are seated around a table. On the table is } a square piece of cardboard and rectangular slips of paper. Zeus is } steadily yawning and looks half asleep. The Oracle is lost in thought. } Suddenly Lisa walks in. (Zeus immediately wakes up.) "Orrie, there is } a weird looking person outside wanting to know what you are waiting } for." } "D*mnm*t! Here I am trying to make the hardest, most monumental } decision in the world and these stupid supplicants keep breaking my } concentration! This one didn't even grovel, so get rid of him, Lisa - } use the ZOT button if you have to. I'd get it done much faster without } them." } Lisa wanders out and the situation returns to the way it had been } before... An hour later, the Oracle speaks, over Zeus' loud snores. } "Okay, God, I've decided that it might be best to go with your proposal, } because it might help in the long run. I'll trade you Virginia Ave. for } St. James Place." } } You owe the Oracle four houses and one hotel. --- 554-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great wonderful oracle, tell me, who was it that invented term > papers and why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The term paper was invented by Hideo Fujimori, a Japanese prince who } lived in the Heian period, around the year 1000. At the time, Heian } courtiers spent much of their leisure time writing poetry, playing the } koto (a multi-stringed instrument much like the banjo, only much } prettier-sounding), and wandering through the forests looking for } Terumu. The Terumu was a mystical beast, with six heads but only a } single nose, which was thought to occasionally leave the forests for } the city, looking for small children to steal and dismember. } } According to Heian-era beliefs, this hideous creature sought out small } Japanese children in one of two seasons: the first running roughly from } late August through mid-December; the second usually from late January } to early May. (In the Western provinces, the Termumu had three hunting } seasons of equal length, with a long break between the first and the } second, usually falling sometime in late November.) } } A serious problem for the Heian-era courtiers was that of } documentation: how could the court officials keep accurate count of the } Terumu sightings? The prince Hideo Fujimori found an answer in } "Terumugami" -- "Terumu Paper", in English. At the end of each hunting } season, each courtier would prepare (usually at the very last minute, } late at night) a complete record of all the Terumu the writer had } successfully sighted. These would be compiled by court officials, and } the results would be statistically tabulated and posted by ID number. } } Eventually, courtiers began slowly to stop seeking out Terumu, } preferring instead to sleep in. This, of course, led to a series of } attempts to skirt the prince's requirements: plagiarism of previous } season's Terumu Papers, spurious claims of severe illness, and outright } invention of non-existent sightings. } } Hideo Fujimori died in 1079, in what is now Kyoto, of a subdural brain } hematoma. --- 554-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, O oracle most wise, > What is this I see before my eyes? > It looks of silver, > And of gold, > Tell me Oracle, what do I Hold? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You hold a degree, } In stupidity, } Adorned in silver and gold. } } The Oracle had answered you once, } That makes you a dunce, } And a wee bit too bold. } } So as payment due on this redundant thread, } Thrice smack yourself upside the head, } And pay heed to things you are told. --- 554-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Last year, I planted thorn bushes around my yard > as a hedge against inflation. > > Now the neighbors are mad at me because all the balloons at Melvin's > third birthday party got popped. > > What did I do wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your idea itself was not that bad. What you didn't consider (and your } neighbour quite naturally is angry about) is the fact that by killing } balloons with thorns, you created a scarcity of balloons. Thus the } price for fresh balloons will rise, and more balloons will be } produced. As a consequence, there will be more inflation, more thorn } bushes, more balloons, higher prices...