From oracle-request Fri Feb 26 10:39:04 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA04883; Fri, 26 Feb 1993 10:39:04 -0500 Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1993 10:39:04 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #538 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 538 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #538 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1993 10:39:04 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 538 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 533 48 votes 18kd6 3icb4 78dd7 5kg52 5he93 1fka2 2blb3 2dbbb 9le40 1ao94 533 2.9 mean 3.3 2.9 3.1 2.6 2.8 2.9 3.0 3.3 2.3 3.1 --- 538-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who is not humored by this self-referential, recursive > grovel, which states, "Oh Oracle, ..." > > Please oh please oh please oh please > > Tell me, your humble, humble, humble supplicant, who is so humble that > he cannot desribe his humility in terms other than the humble "humble" > > My friends say I grovel too much. But how can I, a humble suppicant, > grovel too much to appease your intellect of grandeur? If life were > Chicken Cacciatori, I would be but a pimento in one of the green > olives, trying to find meaning beside your juicy, succulent chicken > breast. > > Yea, any prostration I could show thee would certainly be considered > an insult compared to your infinite yet completely untapped ability to > genuflect. But what am I to do? I must seek wisdom, yet I fear the > dreaded Acme gun that you brandish. Alas, I must throw myself > at the feet of your infinite mercy, and ask my feeble question, hoping > that you will see past my shortcomings, and illuminate my darkened > mind with such grand clarity that I may improve, and with practice and > your excellent tutoring someday write a text that is worthy for you to > read. > > I have labored long hours on the point; dictating, refining, > eliminating all references to that unsavory clause which I am not > mentioning. I must now present my query: > > This is a test post. Please ignore this message. > > I await your reply. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The nurse slides open the frosted-glass window. "Mr. Oracle? You } can come inside now." } The Oracle puts down the copy of Highlights he had been browsing } through, grabs his cellular terminal, and goes through the door. } A nurse points to a scale. He puts down his things, takes off his } shoes so as not to bias his measurment, gets weighed. The nurse } leads him into a small room. He sits down on a padded table covered } with butcher paper. It crackles beneath him. The nurse jabs a } thermometer into his mouth. } "I nos sich. I nos sich!" the Oracle insists. } "The thermometer is just routine," the nurse replies. She looks } at his chart. "You're here to get approved for your company health } insurance?" } "Yeth." } "Mm." She wraps the blood pressure belt around his left arm and } begins pumping. She frowns at the result, tries again. She frowns } even more. "Have you been taking any medication lately?" } The Oracle shakes his head. } "Have you been under stress? Do you have a high pressure job?" } The Oracle nods, shows the nurse a question on his terminal that } he had been working on. } "I'll be back with the doctor," she says. "Oh." She pulls the } thermometer out of his mouth and glances at it. "Three thousand } degress C. You're normal." } The nurse is gone for some time. The Oracle passes the time by } answering questions: } > How much rain could a rain drop drop if a rain drop could drop rain? } The Oracle growls and zots the supplicant. } > Why ask why? } The Oracle wishes for an intelligent question, zots the supplicant. } > } The null question. The Oracle screams with frustration. He presses } the zot button on his terminal violently, repeatedly, with his clenched } fist. His left eye begins to tick of its own accord. } The doctor rushes into the room. "Thirty-six C of Sodium Pentathol," } he orders the nurse. "Oracle, Oracle, listen to me. Are you } listening?" } The Oracle glares rabidly. "One," the Oracle says, "One intelligent } question. That's all I ask. Just, just one." The Oracle watches } coldly as the nurse injects the drug into his arm. } "Oracle," the doctor says, "we have to talk. Your blood pressure is } dangerously high. You have to stop using the ZOT, for your own good. } Now--NOW--now, I know you think it relieves your stress, but it only } adds to it, because your conscience doesn't forgive you for the act. } Every time you press that button, you blood pressure shoots } through the roof, not just before, but after you hit the button. I'm } putting you on medication for your heart and forbidding you the use } of the ZOT. If you disobey, you could have an early heart attack. } You promise? You promise? I'm asking you a question, do you promise?" } The Oracle nods. } } [One week later] } } The Oracle is answering questions at home: } > How much dog could a bird dog dog if a bird dog could dog bird? } The Oracle presses a button which sends a form letter lecturing the } supplicant about ettiquite. } > I didn't like your last answer and I think you stink! } The Oracle presses a button which sends a form letter lecturing the } supplicant about ettiquite. The Oracle rests his head on his fist. } > This is a test post. Please ignore this message. } The Oracle glowers at the question with pure, unadulterated hatred. } He drums his fingers. He looks at the taped-over zot button. } He drums his fingers. } The phone rings. The Oracle picks it up absently. "Hello?" } "Oracle? This is Dr. Cannibus. Oracle, there's been a mistake with } your diagnosis. The blood pressure gage in our office had a fault. } There's nothing wrong with your blood pressure. Sorry about the, ah, } everything." } "No problem, Doctor," the Oracle answers emotionlessly. "Goodbye." } The Oracle looks at the taped-over zot button like an alcoholic just } told by a doctor to take a drink. He smiles. He grins. He laughs, } viciously and horribly, so that the terminal itself shudders. He } lovingly pulls the tape from atop the button... } } ****** } **************** } ****************************** } ********************************************** } ******** ******* ******** ********* } ************** ******** **** *********** ************** } ************** ********** **** *********** *************** } ************ *********** **** *********** *************** } ********** ******* *********** ************** } **************************************************** } ********************************************** } **************** } ****** } ****** Mwahahahahahahahahah! } ****** } ************** } ****** } ****** } ****** } ********************************************** } ********************************************************** --- 538-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that life is meaningless without logic? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, wise guy, eh? --- 538-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Usenet Oracle, who is faster than a speeding neutrino, more > powerful than a black hole, able to leap galaxies with a single bound, > please hear my request. Almost all the major figures of mythology have > an interesting origin story. Even our popular comic book heroes have > such tales explaining how they came to be. What is the story of the > origin of The Usenet Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the beginning, there was only VAX...when suddenly out of the void, a } mighty and powerful UNIX.wizard came into being (spontaneously). He } saw that he had the password and named himself root of the Universe. } He saw that VAX was bad and smote DEC a great blow. He then decided } to spawn the rest of Universe using many a makefile. He saw that this } was good and so to help him keep track of all this, he created the } Oracle. He saw that the Oracle was good and so rewarded him with a } physical incarnation at Indiana University. Soon, users began to ask } him questions about the woodch*ck, as well as the numbers 42 and 69. } This vexed the Oracle who zot'd many a user in the name of the } all-powerful root... } } Soon, the Oracle was troubled by new pangs and feelings that he had } never felt before. } } "Great Root," qouth the Oracle (still a juvenile), "I am feeling a } longing, a feeling of incompleteness." } } "Oh. Here, have a donut! Close the door on the way out," quoth the } Root. } } "No, Mighty Root, it is more than hunger. I think you would call it } desire." } } "Oh. Well, you know we can't afford an upgrade until after next fiscal } year." } } "That's not exactly what I was speaking of, O Great Root." } } "Well, what do you want? I'm a busy man. I have things to do -- like } play /usr/games/hangman all day. Are you sure no one else can help } you?" } } "No, large and busy Root. I need a companion. Someone to have and } hold, to talk to. To play games with...I need someone who can respect } the great position you have put me in." } } "Oh. Well, I can put in a funding requisition, but I can't promise } anything." } } Feeling still vexed, and frustrated, the Oracle set out to help } himself. He created Lisa, his perfect playmate. It started } innocuously, but soon the Oracle had twisted the beautiful, virtuous } Lisa into a sex-crazed, (still beautiful), vixen. } } Soon, the Oracle, once a nice, caring young person had transformed } himself into a crabby, little, vain, sniveling idiot!! } } Lisa's mine, Oracle! She's mine!! } } } } Sorry, Loki, game over. Please insert another quarter. } } And sorry dear supplicant, we've been having a lot of trouble with } Norse gods answering my mail lately. I _knew_ I shouldn't have told my } password to Freya. But that Valhalla is just such a great place for } debauchery. Why, once Lisa and I took a chicken and an upright Hoover } and...whoops. Got carried away. } } In any case, } } You owe the Oracle some water from Mimir's well. --- 538-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh pontifical pundit, > > Since I could not catch any fish, I was wondering if worms or > salmon eggs had any nutritional value. > > I await your reply with baited breath. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Baited breath? How many times do I have to tell you, the } worms go on the HOOK! That's why you never catch any fish. } If you are desperate, yes, worms have nutritional value. } You could even use the salmon eggs to make a worm omelette. } Just be sure to take them off the hook first. --- 538-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, Why is a duck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At last, someone who knows that the Oracle is not satisfied with } predicting the outcome of people's lovelives. As if they mattered. } } As you may know, the Oracle speaks many languages but has been } constrained by certain unavoidable circumstances to answer all } questions in English. Since you asked your question in English, this } may not seem to you like an imposition on the Oracular Presence--but } let me assure you, it is. The problem lies in your use of that common } English interrogative word, "why." In modern English usage, a question } such as yours demands a predicate, as in "Why is a duck web-footed?" or } "Why is a duck in my bathtub?" or even "Why is a duck beneath only Eve } Plumb on the list of Those Who Have Most Adversely Influenced the } Course of Western Culture As We Know It?" However, your question has } no predicate. The Oracle is aware that for most speakers of English, } your wording would imply that you were asking a deep, philosophical } question of the sort that oracles are impressed with. } } We beg to differ. } } We know that you are only taunting us with your supposed wisdom, with } your presumed depth of mind, with your inquisitive nature struggling to } imbibe Wisdom from its Source. } } We will, however, deign to answer your question anyway. } } It isn't. --- 538-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > D'ya want fries with that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. } } You owe the Oracle two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, } cheese, pickles, ketchup on a sesame seed bun. --- 538-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My Oracle please tell me: > > $ man BAMF And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } BAMF(1) } } Name } BAMF - prints amount of BAMF usage } } Syntax } BAMF -[bamfh] } } Description } BAMF calls the UFNDS system to retrieve the BOGO-Density of the } user in a given environment } } Options } -b include deep inelastic BOGON-BOGON scattering } -a include anihilation effects } -m include matrix-element correction } -f produce feynman graphs (troff only) } -h use hilbert space (only in ULTRADIM (tm) machines) } } Restrictions } May result in space-time distubances if too many users run the } package } } See Also } Having fun with space_time Vol 1 Getting started with the universe } Having fun with space_time Vol 2 Programmers Ref.Man } } BigB(1),BigC(2),UniSU(3), ZOT(1) } } Bugs } none } } You owe the oracle a 5 d dimension compress --- 538-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who are you, anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am the absolute, admirable, astute, august, authoritative, } celebrated, celestial, charismatic, diligent, distinguished, divine, } dominant, eminent, erudite, everlasting, execptional, extraordinary, } famous, grand, great, heavenly, immortal, ineffable, infinite, } influential, majestic, mighty, noble, omnipotent, omnipresent, } omniscient, outstanding, perspicacoius, powerful, prestigious, } profound, remarkable, renound, respected, sagacious, shrewd, sublime, } superior, supreme and wise Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle a new thesaurus. --- 538-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi Orrie! > > I was just meditating on the Entity of your Existence and came up with > the following paradox: Some people ALWAYS seem to ask the same > questions! There are hundreds of woodchuck variations out there in the > Oracularities! And I ask: Why? > > Is it because you don't know the ultimate answers? > That would mean you aren't omniscient! > > Is it because you won't tell the ultimate answers? > That would mean you aren't omnibenevolent! > > Is it because you can't make the ultimate answers understood? > That would mean you aren't omnipotent! > > Is it because magazines won't publish the ultimate answers, > forcing you to give them again and again? > That would mean you aren't omniscientific! > > Is it because you get so tired of answering FAQs that you > only reply to them cryptically or with ZOTs? > That would mean you aren't omnipatient! > > Is it because you don't listen up > and reply inappropriately in consequence? > That would mean you aren't omniresponsive! > > Is it because your internal software is so dated it > can't solve the problems of modern man? > That would mean you aren't omniactual! > > Thus, Orrie, after long meditation on this matter, I came > up with the following > > ----------------------------------------------------------------- > THEOREM: THE ORACLE DOES NOT EXIST. > ----------------------------------------------------------------- > > But what does it mean that the Oracle does not exist? > Does this not have consequences on everyday life? > Can we allow the masses to opiate themselves on an Illusion? > Does not any free thinker have the duty to liberate the World > from the Terrorism of Church and Religion? > Thus I arrive at the following > > ----------------------------------------------------------------- > MAXIM: FLING LOTS OF MUD AT INDIANA UNIVERSITY! > ----------------------------------------------------------------- > > So there you are, Orrie! Modern man does not believe in you! > You are not being! > People laugh their heads of when they only think of you! > What do you have to say in your defense? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Beep-beep-beep! We're sorry, you've reached a being that is either } disconnected or no longer in service. If you feel you have reached } this recording in error, please hang up and try your petition again.] } } Just kidding! Really, if you didn't believe I existed, why did you } ask what I had to say in my defense? After all, I'm the ONLY } omni-being with an internet address, isn't that enough for you? } } The root of the problem that caused all this doubting stems from that } age-old mystery of why woodchucks would be allowed to exist if God is } so good. Your corollary of why woodchuck questions exist if the Oracle } is so omni-everything can be answered quite easily: } } I'm not. } } I may be all seeing, all knowing, and all powerful, but no one ever } said I was a nice guy. } } You owe the Oracle some new windshield wipers that can cut through mud. --- 538-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh wise and omnipotent Oracle, > > What is the best way to go about training vicious attack grapes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is not necessary, or indeed possible, to train a vicious } attack grape. They are simply born with an innate urge to } bite the foot that trods them.