From oracle-request Tue Feb 23 18:23:34 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA09632; Tue, 23 Feb 1993 18:23:34 -0500 Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1993 18:23:34 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #537 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 537 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #537 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1993 18:23:34 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 537 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 532 46 votes 2adg5 03cjc 2aib5 0bie3 49i96 1ji35 8jg12 0djb3 39ma2 37jd4 532 3.1 mean 3.3 3.9 3.2 3.2 3.1 2.8 2.3 3.1 3.0 3.2 --- 537-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and wise Oracle, whose culinary expertise is so great that he > can make 5 loaves and 2 fishes serve *10,000*. > > I cooked a meal for some friends last night, and one of them used the > phrase "nice, but too much garlic" to describe it. Have you any idea > what this strange phrase "too much garlic" might mean ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O unworthy and unwashed supplicant, relative to whom a not-yet-cleaned } fish ranks among royalty. } } Many people who use the phrase "too much garlic" have been known to do } yet stranger things in their spare time. Dangerous things. Things you } probably wouldn't want your daughter to find out about, even though you } know she eventually will anyway. } } Look for these telltale warning signs: } } o Your friend has an unexplained aversion to mirrors. } } o Your friend bears a striking resemblance to Bela Lugosi. } } o Your friend bears a striking resemblance to Gary Oldman. } } o Your friend is more likely to be awake during the night than during } the day. (Then again, this may simply mean they're a computer geek.) } } If your friend displays two or more of these symptoms, it may be in } your best interest to keep a wooden cross handy, preferably one with a } sharp point. } } You owe the Oracle a sprig of wolfsbane. --- 537-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When I find myself in times of trouble, The Usenet Oracle comes to me, > speaking words of wisdom, let it be. I know you usually dispense > answers, Mr. Oracle sir, but instead I'm asking for a favor. I just > got my final divorce papers and could really use some comforting. > Could you persuade Lisa to, uh, show me some tenderness and, er, > compassion tonight? I'd ask you to do it yourself, but that's not my > orientation. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gosh, poor guy. Well, if he thinks that'll cheer him up, I guess } it's worth a try. Oh, LISA? Could you come here for a minute? } *smoooch* Hi, love. Look, we have a rather distraught supplicant } here, and he'd like to be shown tenderness and compassion, get it? } All right, let's show him. Supplicant, watch closely. } } [Several minutes of tenerness, compassion, cuddling, slurping, odd } noises, and astonishing gymnastics later, Lisa and The Oracle } disentangle.] } } There, how was that? Do you feel any better yet? Uh, why are you } hanging like that from the rafters? Hello? Hello? Oh dear. } } [Requiescat in pace. Moment of silence.] } } You owe The Oracle nothing. I will your spouse's attorney in } your memory. } } [Exeunt omnes.] --- 537-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who is grander than the grand canyon, leaner than the leaning > tower of Pisa, holier than Woods Hole, wider (and worldlier) than the > Wide World of Sports, please condescend to answer this supplicant's > lowly query... > > I heard the following news on CNN today (I am not making this up): > When asked whether they preferred sex with their spouses or a tidy > house, 99.9% of men preferred sex, while > 46% of women preferred sex, > 42% of women preferred a tidy house, > and 12% couldn't decide. > > Can you explain this difference to me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a clear case of a poorly phrased question yielding useless } statistics. Note that it is contrasting an activity (sex) with an } achievement or state (tidy house). If the question were phrased as, } "Do you prefer being sexually satisfied or having a tidy house" then } the results would be as follows: } } 99.95% of men prefer being sexually satisfied } 0.03% of men prefer having a tidy house } 0.02% of men are undecided } 69.69% of women prefer being sexually satisfied } 18.31% of women prefer having a tidy house } 12.00% of women are undecided } } 69.69% just so happens to be the portion of the female population } which have ever been sexually satisfied in their entire lives. Now, } had the question been phrased as, "Do you prefer having sex with your } spouse or cleaning house" then the results would have been: } } 99.98% of men prefer having sex } 0.01% of men prefer cleaning house } 0.01% of men are undecided } 22.50% of women prefer having sex } 65.50% of women prefer cleaning house } 12.00% of women are undecided } } Note that 12% of women are undecided in every poll. The fact that } almost two out of every three women prefer cleaning house over having } sex can be understood by examining the two activities more closely } from the woman's point of view. Fortunately, I am able to do this by } flipping my gender switch. There. Now, in having sex with their } spouses, most women look forward not to sexual satisfaction, but to } being pawed, pinched, and grabbed by a clumsy oaf who thinks that } qualifies as foreplay. This is followed by having your clothes pulled } off you unceremoniously and being forced down on your back, often on } some uncomfortable surface such as a carpet or kitchen table. Then } this, this hairy whale, who smells like he hasn't had a bath since } your wedding day, climbs on top, squeezing your air out. He forces } his way in, sweats on you for a total of five to fifteen minutes, } grunts the name of some slut he saw in a magazine, and rolls over on } his back to fall asleep! } } So much for sex. Now, cleaning house. Since most of you men never } participate in this, you have no idea what a ... sensual experience } this can be. Take vacuuming, for example. You rhythmically push and } pull the vacuum back and forth, stroking the carpet. The vacuum hums } and throbs, its voice filling your entire being, until the vibrations } build up to a crescendo and ... oh, yes, YES! } } I need to flip that gender switch back, but not just yet, it's too } sensitive to touch. } } You owe the Oracle a three-speed Hoover Deluxe with automatic height } adjustment. --- 537-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How come no one dies on G.I.JOE? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Isn't that just typical? Another pointless and yet grovelless } question. Without even a "Dear Oracle" or a "By your leave, madam, } please drop your pants" this snivelling worm has the audacity to ask } Me a question concerning a fictional cartoon show that is really a } half-hour advertisement for violent toys that number in the } thousands but are yet sold separately. } } Bummer. } } But, since the Oracle used to HAVE A REAL GI JOE (you know, back } when he was fully articulated and was a whopping 11.5 inches tall), } I'll answer your question. } } The answer is: money talks. } } See, the entire point of the GI Joe show is to (get ready for a } nasty shock) SELL MERCHANDISE! The show is aimed directly at small } children because the GI Joe producers know that they will, simply } through screaming incoherently roughly as loudly as a 747, convince } their parents to buy anything they want. If you plant the idea in a } child's mind, he will scream until his parents buy a small, European } country for him. } } Sadly, the networks feel that showing death and violence on TV only } glorifies these acts (violence, not screaming) and therefore have } forbidden them to be shown on the show. So the GI Joe writers } bought a whole shit-load of those magic rubber bullets that they use } in South Africa to calm down those blacks and coloreds who are } engaging in subversive acts such as standing on street corners and } eating but never get hurt by the bullets except for the ones who are } obviously closet hemophiliacs and burst into sprays of blood at the } slightest provocation. Plus that nobody on the show can hit a barn } with a large rock. } } So now we have not glorified violence and the TV dudes are happy } because they haven't made children into maniacs and the GI Joe } people are happy because they are dirty stinking filthy rotten rich. } } And the kids, of course, now think that guns are toys and people } don't get hurt for real when you shoot them. But given some of the } things that one sees on the streets today, maybe it's just as well } they don't know that yet. } } You owe the Oracle one of the REAL GI Joes, and a return to a } happier time. --- 537-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I understand the Usenet Oracle knows all about the movement of heavenly > bodies. (No, that wasn't a Lisa joke! I mean planets, stars, etc.) > I have heard stories about the chances Earth will get hit by a comet or > asteroid, possibly making humans as extinct as dinosaurs. What's the > truth, Oracle, is Earth going to be devastated by impact with another > celestial object, and if so, WHEN? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nervous Supplicant, I will forgive you the missing grovel, because I } can tell you're very upset about all this. True, the Earth is due to } be smashed by a comet in 2156 -- on March 12, at 12:32 pm GMT, to be } exact -- but you'll be long-dead by then (sorry, but SOMEONE had to } tell you) and shouldn't worry about it. } } However, since you are obviously the sensitive type and are worried } about your great (to the tenth generation) grandchildren, I'd like you } to know that space technology in the 22nd Century will have developed } to the point where scientists will be able to deflect the comet without } incident. In fact, the event will be quite a sensation and amateur } astronomers by the millions will be watching it. } } Incidentally, one of your many-times-great grandaughters will be on the } team that re-routes the comet and will be awarded a Nobel Prize for her } work. Nice gal, 5'10", asian eye folds, blonde hair, good figure, and } bi-sexual like everyone one else in her century. } } You owe the Oracle a comet sighting. --- 537-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O teller of all tales: > > What is the story of Little Red Riding Hood and the Woodchuck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Little Red Riding Hood and the Woodchuck } as told by The Oracle through the segment } Fractured Fairytales } As Seen on Bullwinkle and Rocky } } Once upon a time, there was a little girl by the name of Sally, } who was affectionately known by her friends, relatives, and the IRS as } Little Red Riding Hood. We will try to be a little more formal, though, } and call her Sally, because she really liked the name Sally. } } Anyways, Sally was told by her mother to go and give some food to } her mother, which was grandmother to Little Red... er... Sally. Sally } agreed, and she was on her way. } } While Sally was skipping through the woods, there were a pair of } eyes staring back at her, unbeknownst to Sally. She continued on her } way, singing a merry tune. } } All of a sudden, from out of the woods, there was a loud roar, } followed by a small furry rodent appearing from the forest. } } "Goodness gracious", exclaimed Sally, "What was that?" } } The rodent stood on it's hind legs, and spoke (as if this happens } all the time in fairy tales) } } "I am the ferocious woodchuck, and I am going to eat you for } supper" exclaimed the rodent. } } "Huh? I thought woodchucks could only chuck wood". Sally was } definately confused. } } "No no, mam", the woodchuck replied, "Woodchucks do not eat wood. } Anyways, it's the wolf's day off, so I decided to fill in for him. Now, } surrender, or I will be forced to use force!" } } "Never!" cried Sally, and she rushed past the woodchuck, and ran } on her way to grandma's house. } } "Hmmm" thought the woodchuck, "This'll require some stradgedy." } } The woodchuck quickly scampered off into the forest, and, taking a } shortcut, arrived at grandma's house way before Sally could. } } Wasting no time, the woodchuck kicked grandma out of her house, } and proceeded to dress up in grandma's clothes. } } An hour later, Sally arrived at grandma's house. She walked over } to grandma's bed, and looked at her. } } "Grandma, you've lost a lot of weight!" exclaimed Sally. } } "Yes, because I'm STARVING" replied the woodchuck. } } "Ok, Ok... Here are some...........wait a minute. Grandma, why do } you have beady little eyes?" } } "Well, ummm... Too many late nights reading books without } sufficient lighting." } } "Oh... Ok... here are some..........wait a minute. Grandma, why do } you have a pointed little nose with whiskers?" } } "All older women get pointed noses... and those whiskers are nose } hairs." } } "Ewwww. Ok.... here are some...........WAIT! Grandma! You have } sharp little teeth! You're the..." } } "That's right little girl! I'm that mean nasty woodchuck! I'm } going to eat you up!" } } "But how can you Mr. Woodchuck... You're supposed to like wood." } } "NO No No No NO! I hate wood. Ever since that tongue twister, } people have thought that woodchucks like wood. I hate wood!" } } "Tongue Twister? What tongue twister?" } } "How much wood would a wood chuck chuk if a wood chuck could } chuck wood?" } } Suddenly, a huge blast of energy and fire engulfed the woodchuck. } With a firey yelp, and a loud sonic boom, the woodchuck was no more. } } "Thanks Orrie!" } } From up above, a loud voice boomed "Don't mention it Little Red } Riding Hood." } } "That's SALLY" } } "Sorry..." } } You owe the oracle the story of "The Three Bears and a Woodchuck". --- 537-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tell me, o wise and wonderful oracle, who has never had to do a term > paper: > > does art imitate life, or does life imitate art? where do we draw the > line? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How many times do I have to tell you? Don't draw the lines, color } inside the lines. Here, put your straitjacket on now, I don't want } you to catch cold. } } You owe the Oracle a full-length picture of Mona Lisa, so we can } better tell just why she's smiling. --- 537-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If A woodchuck would chuck wood how much wood would a woodcuck chuck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Commissioner Sergeant? What's a woodcuck? Better contact ORACLEman! } Gordon: To the ORACLEphone! } } } } Alfred: I see, sir. Yes, sir. Definitely a problem for ORACLEman, } sir. I'll let him know right away. } } } } Bobbin: Holy rodents, ORACLEman! Could it be another Woodchuck } question? Where's the grovel? } } ORACLEman: Steady on, Bobbin. We can't leap to conclusions. This } could be a question about almost anything. Let me run it } through the PARSEALIZER, and see what it comes up with.. } } Bobbin: Holy obfuscated code, ORACLEman! It melted! What could it } mean? } } ORACLEman: There's only one supplicant who could generate such a } pernicious query, Bobbin. The Woodchuck! Where would he } be? } } Bobbin: Chucking wood? } } ORACLEman: That's it, Bobbin! To the ORACLEmobile! } } } } The Woodchuck: So, you've finally come! Welcome to your doom, Omniscent } one! } } Bobbin: You fiend! You won't get away with this! } } The Woodchuck: Oh, but I will. You're standing under a bucket of } grade-A maple sap! And When I press this button, You will } be bound to the floor! And then I'll be free to chuck all } the wood in net.city! } } ORACLEman: Not so fast, Woodchuck! Let's see how you deal with my } n-Cage! } } Mighty Oracle, > > I heard that the world as we know it is in fact only a demo version of > the real thing. So, before I buy the real thing I'd like some > information about which additional features it consists of. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm afraid you're stuck with the demo. Macrosoft, the software house } that coded "Multi User Earth" aka "Virtual Lunacy World" went bust } shortly after the demo version was issued. This left rougly five } billion players stranded in their Life-Simulator Cubicles, mistakenly } believing that they were living real lives when in fact they were } only playing a very realistic but ludicrous computer game. The demo } is a shoddy piece of work and has a lot of bugs in it. For instance } the "Game Over" message and hall of fame don't come up when people } are about to kick the bucket, and many untalented players (e.g Paula } Abdul) have achieved instant stardom by using a cheat mode that the } programmers forgot to remove. Geographically, the fractal generator } screwed up and made Italy into a silly boot shape, and it also left } unsightly great smoking holes on top of some of the mountains. } There is also a freak character generation error that gives certain } players weird character stats } } All stats inordinately high (e.g the Usenet Oracle) } Looks : 18, Intelligence : 1 (e.g Jerry Hall) } Intelligence : 18 Looks : 1 (e.g this Incarnation) } } Incarnation : "Oh, thanks a bundle Orrie. I expect some gratitide } for letting you possess me to write your answers." } } Oracle : "Shut up, flanel features, I'm concentrating" } } Congratulations by the way, your score has just shot up by 1,000 } points for conversing with the Oracle, and you are thus now a 20th } level Computer Nerd. Top score can be achieved by sending anything } you own which is of high value to Me care of Stevie boy at Indiana } University [wickedly greedy look]. --- 537-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and magnificent wondrous (You don't know...) Oracle, Please > help! After watching one to many (what we can find) beer commercials, I > find that the tune accompanying it has (why don't you come with me > little girl) been permantently etched into my brain! (on a magic carpet > ride) Please tell me how I may cure myself of this (You don't know) > strange affliction!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O (I'd like to) supplicant, your affliction is (teach the world) a } common one. It (to sing) is, in fact, the (in perfect harmon) } entire reason that (yyyyyyyyyyyy) Madison Avenue uses (I'd like to } buy the) such songs in commercials, for (world a) every time you } hear the song, you think of the (Coke) beer in question. Madison } (and keep) Avenue constantly seeks new, catchy songs that can't be } (it) forgotten (company). } } Unfortunately, (That's the song I heeeeeeear) the only cure is to } find *another* song (what the world wants todaaaaaaay) to replace } the one in your head. (Cooooocaaaaaaa Cooooooolaaaaaaaa) And then } another, and another, and another, and on and on ad infinitum, ad } nauseam. You might consider a career in advertising, though. } } You owe the Oracle a Coke. I don't know why.