From oracle-request Sun Jan 24 00:10:39 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA28395; Sun, 24 Jan 1993 00:10:39 -0500 Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1993 00:10:39 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #523 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 523 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #523 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1993 00:10:39 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 523 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 518 45 votes 6cd86 hj441 3afe3 15ge9 59n35 2ik50 23age 27eac 3cgc2 47bbc 518 3.1 mean 2.9 2.0 3.1 3.6 2.9 2.6 3.8 3.5 3.0 3.4 --- 523-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > One day, Joshu came to the Oracle and asked: > Does this Koan have Buddha nature? > And the Oracle said: You have not grovelled. > And since Joshu did not grovel, nobody was > enlightened on that day. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And Joshu begat Ishmael } Who begat Mashusida } Who begat Zethro } Who begat a long line of unnotables } Who begat Homer } And all remembered the koan of Joshu, but none had usenet access, } so none were enlightened. } } And Homer begat Biff, and lo! Biff's C-64 had a fifty baud coupler } modem, and Biff spake to the Oracle thus: } } > OH ORACLE WHO KNOWS HOW TO GET O } > UT OF TGHE LOUD ROOM IN ZORK I H } > AVE READ MACWORLD AND BYTE AND N } > EXTWORLD AND I DO NOT UNDERSTYAN } > D THEM BUT I SSSEE THAT EACH CLA } > IMS THEIR COMPUTER IS BEST BUT I } > KNOW INTUITIVLY THAT C-64 IS BE } > ST BECAUSE IT HAS EIGHT SPRITES } > AND IBM HAS NONE HAHAHA! IS THI } > S KOAN BUDDAH NATURE? } } And thus Spake the Oracle: } } } Child, you are close, but you must do more. You must replace } } your NiftyDos with VM and you must make your virtual memory } } device a card punch/reader, and you must love this thing even } } when you have no cause to. Then your head will be truly empty. } } } } You owe me nothing after you have found it. --- 523-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and Wonderful Oracle, whose Voice is like the sound of a > Celestial Accordian, and whose Gaze is as penetrating as the rays of > the sun on a clear day in Solvang, please tell me why anyone would want > *ugh* anchovies on pizza! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, my Voice is more like a one-tone harmonica with MIDI, but } you are pretty close about my Gaze, thanks. } } On the Bellatrix Half-Moon XXXIV, the rare *ugh* anchovy is considered } a delicacy on pizza with blue cheese and mango. The more difficult } political treaties produced on this moon (the galactic treaty is its } principle export) are often consummated with the very stiff and } ritualistic pizza fest, where each slice of pizza must bear an exact } weight and volume of the *ugh* anchovy, down to the microgram, or } the whole thing is off. The pizza is then followed by a tournament } to the death of Pictionary, or the solemn chanting of the lines } from a selected Gilligan's Island rerun. } } Once some students at the Interdimensional Moon University (I Moon U) } played a prank and substituted the *ugh* anchovies with Earth } anchovies, which started a war so fierce that it caused one galaxy } to collapse and two others to be created; and of course that's how } the Half-Moon XXXIV became half a moon. The students, who were } football players on scholarships, were suspended from two games and } asked not to do it again. } } You owe the Oracle a single *blah* anchovy pudding, and a black hole } to hold it still and keep it fresh. --- 523-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, I know that this grovel cannot possibly satisfy you, and that > part of this grovel's grovelness resides in this very fact. And I know > that, despite this truth, I must attempt to make this grovel *really* > grovel. > > Grovel grovel. > > My friend here contends that logic can't prove its own validity, while > I am of the opinion that a good pizza is probably worth more than truth > or logic. Which of us is right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's watch and find out: } [ Two young college guys Mr. TruthandLogic and Mr. Pizza are hanging } out at the student union checking out the co-eds.] } } T&L: Man, I am so bummed. My logic proffesor just told us about } Godel's theorem and now I feel like I can't trust any of the } engineering crap I've studied so far. } } P: Hey Dude, Lighten up. Let's get a Pizza and go find some babes. } } T&L: Maybe a woman *could* help me take my mind off my troubles. } } P: Yeah. Check out those chicks coming out of the bookstore. } Woah. } } T&L: Excuse me, miss. Hi. I'm a typical college student who's } depressed about life and school and I was hoping to pick } you up and take you back to my room for some meaningless } sex that might cheer me up and take my mind off of my } troubles. } } Co-ed: Get lost, creep. } } T&L: Listen. A. All women who help those in need feel good about } themselves. B. I'm a guy in need. C. If you sleep with me } then you'll feel good about yourself. } } Co-ed: Security. SECURITY! [ runs off ] } } P: Hey, man, you really blew it with that babe. Why did you } tell her all that stuff about being depressed and trying } to lay her? } } T&L: Well, because it's the truth of course. } } P: Hey well, here comes a hot babe. Let me try. } } P: Hey babe, want to go share a pizza. } } Babe: Well, okay sure, if we can go to Pizza and Tunes and dance } too. } } P: Let's go. See ya in the morning, Dude. } } Looks like you're both on the right track. I guess it depends } on your priorities. } } You owe the Oracle an Eight Meat Combo and a good pickup line. --- 523-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You great Oracle, > > the greatest of all the Oracles, > > the only Oracle who is a real Oracle, > the only Oracle who is called the Usenet Oracle, > the only Oracle who possesses Lisa, > > the Oracle whom Lisa calls Orie, > the Oracle whom supplicants grovel, > the Oracle whom supplicants ask questions, > > the Oracle who lives in, but not limited to, cs.indiana.edu, > moose.cs.indiana.edu and my mbox, > the Oracle who knows the answer to all the questions the Lord has ever > created, > the Oracle who knows how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a > woodchuck could chuck wood, > the Oracle who knows how much chalk would a woodchuck chuck if a > woodchuck could chuck chalk, > the Oracle who requires an answer to a question for the payment, > the Oracle who sometimes doesn't require an answer to a question for > the payment, > the Oracle who asks the supplicants other supplicants' questions, > the Oracle who doesn't care whom to zot, whom not to zot, > the Oracle who does not put _zot in every commercial library, > the Oracle who zots Thor, > the Oracle who reads 69 pages in 42 seconds, > the Oracle who created the x_Oracle, which is the X Windows Oracle (tm), > the Oracle who rescues a man whose head is wedged into his asshole, > the Oracle who is wider than The Niagara Falls, > the Oracle who is higher than the Everest, > the Oracle who is Thicker Than A Brick (not Thick As A Brick (remember? > Jethro Tull?)), > the Oracle who > the Oracle who > t h e O r a c l e w h o > t h e O r a c l e w h o > > I/O error during x_cdplayer: C D P l a y e r > s l o w i n g d o w n > Fatal Error: Power shutdowm. Replay of the requested CD "grovel" > suspended. Job summary: > Percentage played: 90% > Percentage remained: 90% > Percentage lost during shutdown period: 90% > Supplicant zotted > Lisa slept > Question ignored > Chapter 69 finished > Current page number: 121 > CPU cycles: 42 > Recommendation: Since question is ignored, it is not possible to ask > the question. > Suggestions: Since 90% of the CD is already played, it seems reasonable > to ask the question. > NOTE: Since the Usenet Oracle requires an answer to the question, it > might be risky to ask the question. > Theorem: Every question has an answer which the Usenet Oracle knows. > Proof: There is no proof. The theorem is wrong. > > Fatal Error: Proof is anti-Oracle. > Auto explode-zot activated. > Checking alert zot machines ... Done. Alert zot machines > ready. > Alert zot machine number 69-42-121 assigned to the project. > Auto lock radar feature enabled. > Target set to zottable proud lousy arrogant humble unworthy > supplicant. > Zot machine aimed at the target. > Zot level set to explosive. > Final check ... Done. > Zot machine fired. > Waiting for the target to be zotted ... ^C > > (sigh) > > Dear Sir Oracle Version 1.0 (tm), > > Sorry for my incomplete grovel. I was about to run the HELP > Software (tm) I was developing but I came across the following > error messages: > > C:\>HELP > - Stupid untrapped tickling encountered in high byte address stack > while formatting output buffer overload concept. > - Taken into account Standard Input/Output handles established prior to > overemphasized output deficiency occupation of external memory bank > identifier. > - Result summary: > - Job cancelled. > - Illegal object file linked. > - Shell identifiers set identical to I/O channel expansion slot > pin 9 (Decimal Input/Output Acknowledge Identification Register). > - CPU set to Digital Coded Occupation of Memory Contents Buffering > mode of operation cancelling. > - All files deleted. > C:\>_ > > So, what would you suggest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My suggestion: Ditch the Atari and get a real computer. } } You owe the Oracle an 8-times oversampled filter-tipped } CD washer/dryer. --- 523-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most geologically stable Oracle, who could even hold nuclear waste > until it naturally decayed, I ask you with the sincerity of a thousand > country singers: > What do you eat for breakfast? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Though my first temptation is to respond, "Rash Supplicants! (sauteed } with butter, salt and pepper)," I shall be less untoward for the nonce } while I ponder your grovels and decipher what the hell you're talking } about. } } Generally, for breakfast, should I partake of a morning meal at all, I } prefer a dish of Eternal Flame (served upon the backs of devoted } servants), with a side of Brimstone (in season) and a glass of O.J. } (shaken, not stirred). I used to enjoy the occasional toasted } Crusader, but they're so hard to find these days and besides, the ones } I had in the fridge were beginning to spoil. } } I do like brunching on a nice helping of belching Vesuvian magma when I } can get it, though. When I cannot, a bolt of lightning or two in } Tabasco is always a decent snack. } } You owe the Oracle breakfast in bed. --- 523-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty Oracle, I seem to have an incredibly complex problem. I come > to you, and incredibly complex man...er, woman...er, thing...um...I > mean I come to you you wonderful...uh...Deity? > > Hey, just how the heck should I address you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Interesting question, supplicant. I think the best way to reply is } to see how the problem of addressing is taken in other contexts. } } - Golf: to address the ball one stands beside it and swipes a piece of } metal (commonly known as the "club") at some considerable speed near } the ball without actually hitting it. However, if you dare threaten } me in this way you wouldn't live to complete your follow-through. } } - Dressmaking: addressing takes the form of measuring the customer up } (and making snide comments about inside leg measurements if one is } acting in a Carry On film). The drawback is that the Oracle does } not wear dresses. Well, except the little red number at the back } of the wardrobe. And the flowing pink one. And the velvety } black one which goes so well with the heels and the ... sorry. } } - Computing: addressing involves procedures aptly named in the } BASIC language as PEEKing and POKEing. And if you think I'm about } to let you peek and poke the Oracle, think again. } } - Hmmm. The Oracle's dictionary also defines address (pl.) - } courtship. And let me say straight off that I'm not that sort of } Deity. } } So basically you should address me enclosing a stamped self-addressed } envelope. } } You owe the Oracle a five iron and a zip code. --- 523-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many roads must a woodchuck walk down? > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Scene: A darkened computer lab. A shadowy figure sits before } the nearest terminal, which casts a sickly green glow across his } snickering countenance. The message on the terminal reads: } } From: "The Usenet Oracle" } Subject: An answer to the #Qa58102 question is required by the } Oracle. } } The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } } > How many roads must a woodchuck walk down? } > } } The shadowy figure giggles with delight.] } } "It works! My random question generator is a success!" } } [A second terminal beeps, and displays the message:] } } From: "The Usenet Oracle" } Subject: An answer to the #Qa58103 question is required by the } Oracle. } } The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } } > How much wood is the Ultimate Answer to Life, } > the Universe and Everything? } > } } "Bwahahahaha! The Oracle will be brought to his knees!" } } [A third terminal beeps...] } } From: "The Usenet Oracle" } Subject: An answer to the #Qa58104 question is required by the } Oracle. } } The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } } > How many woodchucks does it take to change a light bulb? } > } } "Revenge is mine! LISA is mine! He'll be trapped in the loop } forever!" } } [beep] } } From: "The Usenet Oracle" } Subject: The Oracle replies! } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } You wrote: } } > How many roads must a woodchuck walk down? } > } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Nice try, Loki, but there's a bug in your program. } } Each of the questions you send in has a blank line } } at the end, which makes them easy to filter out... } } } } You owe the Oracle a terminal. This one will do: } } [The terminal disappears in a puff of smoke.] } } "Aaaaaaaauuuuuuuggggghhh!" } } [beep] } } From: "The Usenet Oracle" } Subject: The Oracle replies! } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } You wrote: } } > How much wood is the Ultimate Answer to Life, } > the Universe and Everything? } > } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } As much wood as it will take to rebuild this computer lab } } when I finish dismantling it. You owe the Oracle a mainframe. } } [There is a loud BANG and all the terminals vanish except one, } which beeps and displays the following message...] } } From: "The Usenet Oracle" } Subject: The Oracle replies! } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } You wrote: } } > How many woodchucks does it take to change a light bulb? } > } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Here's a better riddle: } } [The door to the lab shudders, as an earsplitting KNOCK KNOCK } reverberates across the campus...] } } Loki whirls to face the door. "Who's there?" } } [beep] } } Oracle. } } [Loki shouts a Nordic curse, and vanishes in a puff of green smoke. } The terminal beeps again:] } } } You're supposed to say "Oracle who?", moron. } } Better luck next time! You owe the Oracle one of those Viking hats } with the neat horns coming out the side, like Hagar wears. --- 523-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great, Magnificent, Stupendous, Massive, Glowing, Radiant, and > Otherwise Cool Oracle, answer me this question: > > Why ask why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Or else I'd be out of business! Could you think of a more kushy job } than giving out stupid answers to even dumber questions, and collecting } pretty much anything you like for payments? } } You owe the Oracle... hmmm... let's see... A preview copy of the new } Paul McCartney CD (I don't want to wait 'till February) and... er... a } pickled pepperoni and cottage cheese stew. (I skipped breakfast this } morning, and I'm getting hungry) --- 523-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise oracle, who sees the future with more clarity than > ever did Nostradamus or Gene Roddenberry, I have had a troubling > vision... > > I see a planet that's glowing red. > I see the millions burning in their beds. > I see the future that might have been, > Torn from the future by hungry men. > I have the same dream every night. > I wake up shaking in the morning light. > I don't know what could be expected of me. > I only know that I believe what I see. > And you, do you see what I see? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yeah, I used to get that too. Try Milk of Magnesia. It does wonders. } } You owe the Oracle a plutonium-powered suppository. --- 523-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You who are with oh so copious free time to answer the ignorant > questions of those like me, I beseech you for an answer. > > I was watching the Spinal Tap rockumentary the other day, and > discovered that they had a sound system, whose volume control went to > 11. I feel, now, that my stereo is lacking, and no longer gives me > enjoyment. How might I find such a windrous piece of equipment, so > that I, too, may have music, that goes to 11? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } After conducting extensive research into this subject, which of course } I don't have to do since I am omniscient but the press is kinder to me } if I use a phrase like "extensive research," -- } } [Message from spelling_daemon@moose.cs.indiana.edu] Did you see how } that guy spelled "wondrous?" I think that deserves a in the } kisser. } } No, no, no! "Windrous" conveys the essence of any sound system whose } volume control goes to 11. In fact, such a system should be capable } of not only brisk winds, but also of typhoons and other seismic } activity. } } [Message continues] Come on! "Windrous" isn't even a word! The } supplicant could have used "windy" or "gale-force" or even "blustery." } But "windrous?!" } } That not withstanding, I think the supplicant's question was a very } good on and deserves-- } } [Message from grovel_daemon@moose.cs.indiana.edu] Did you notice... } } --Oh no! Not you too!-- } } [Message continues] ...that the last message you received didn't have } a grovel or even mention your name? Can, I him? Can I? Can I? } Please let me him. } } All right already! Grovel_daemon, from now on you have my permission } to zot anyone who sends me a message without a grovel. } } [Message from spelling_daemon@moose.cs.indiana.edu] Hey, how come } grovel_daemon gets to supplicants if !!! } } [Message from grovel_daemon@moose.cs.indiana.edu] Wow! That was fun! } And here comes another message without a !!! } } There, that's better. Are you still there, supplicant? I'm sorry, I } was just upgrading my software. I'm afraid the sound system in Spinal } Tap was a once-only custom job, and it's now under heavy guard at the } Smithsonian Institute, in the weather display. So you can't get music } that goes to eleven without ending up in a prison somewhere. Sorry! } } You owe the oracle a volume control that goes to 11.