From oracle-request Wed Dec 16 00:10:45 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA02538; Wed, 16 Dec 1992 00:10:45 -0500 Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1992 00:10:45 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #513 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 513 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #513 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1992 00:10:45 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 513 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 508 30 votes 37965 05d75 06da1 49863 39e40 48972 58c32 44c46 56c43 6c561 508 2.9 mean 3.1 3.4 3.2 2.8 2.6 2.8 2.6 3.1 2.8 2.5 --- 513-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You are asked a poet from Slough, > "Why are my rhymes so rough? > Well, I'm not to blame. > The words end the same, > And if that not sufficient, I'm through!" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There was a poor suppl'cant from the USA } and who processor was an EISA } to get through his grovel } i could have used a shovel } And I hear he's been talking to LISA!!! } } What can you when you live in a shoe } You can read poetry from Poe } The suppl'cant's a maggot } he deserves a good } Like a bullet should kill a doe. } } I'll left you off this time..... } } You owe the oracle 18 versions of "There once was an old man from } Nantucket" --- 513-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle (great psuedo-existential (but aren't we all?) net.god), who > knows (since you are omniscient (or at least I am told you are > omniscient (since I am not omniscient, I have to take (believe) this > on faith))) more data structures (and algorithms (for computers)) than > Tarjan (the computer science professor (at least I think he is still a > C.S. prof., maybe he sold out)) himself (or herself, I have never > actually met Tarjan, and I don't know from first hand (actually, this > phrase is somewhat meaningless) experience if he is a man). I (the > specific biological entity (or psychological entity if you believe in > a separate soul (whatever that (the soul) is)) who is specifically > writing this question (actually, the question comes later, this part > is really only an introduction (but I think it clarifies the > problem))) have been programming (specifically, computer programming > (although, programming is really a more general process and can be > applied to (that is, made to operate on) any structured, organized > system)) too long (in a strictly aesthetic sense (although my sense of > aesthetics may not dovetail with yours (that is a catch-phrase > suggesting similarity (which I am sure you knew (but I thought it > might be useful to repeat here))))), and my (is the same sense as the > use of the word "I" above) brain (or my mind, if you subscribe to the > dualist theory of mind vs. brain (which I don't, but I do believe in > something somewhat similar (but I don't have time (an interesting > concept, purely dependent on point of view) to present (more > specifically, to type) it here))) has become recursive (in the sense > that I am constantly (really occasionally, but it does happen a lot) > interrupting myself (if that is possible, it doesn't really make sense > to interrupt yourself (or myself))). What (the use of the word "what" > suggests a noun, but a verbal (or even a command) solution would also > be appropriate) can I (or anyone else for that matter (this sense of > the word "I" is somewhat different than above since it includes agents > of myself)) do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant (who (not Dr. Who though) is apparrently suffering } (nay, rather aching) (to and) from severe (but not pathological, } mind you (or me)) recursion (it is a fact-orial)), your (in the } singular (as in one) (suit) case here (and there)) problem lies } (I hope your mother (whom I do not know personally) did tell you (again } in the singular (e.g. one) (suit) case) never to lie) in your } Lisp (do you still lisp?). } } I (in the collective (meaning many) but yet singular (meaning one) } sense (and yet is there sense in the universe at all?)) being } omniscient (which means that I (again in my (referring to I) many forms } (which I hate filling out)) know a whole lot (of land)) suggest (well } (of water), maybe I should say (er, type (although Lisping is not } properly typed)) demand) that you (again referring to the collective } and yet singular) recode in (and out) BASIC. } } You (the singular (can you sing?) and the plural (where "plu" rhymes } with "clu")) owe the Oracle (who is surely divine (meaning that he } (or she, as I (the Oracle) am an equal-opportunity employer))) a new } (which is entirely relative (to something else)) version of Emacs . --- 513-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise and wondrous, guardian of the vulptuous Lisa, > undisputed ruler of the Internet, patron god of compugeeks everywhere, > please answer this little question of mine: > > If you're so smart and powerful, what are you doing in Indiana? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you have to ask, you'll never know. } } You owe the oracle a fish. --- 513-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me about fish. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fish-net Oracle presents :*The Exciting Adventures of Fish Gordon part } IV* } } [Queen play theme music "FISH - Ahhhhh, saviour of the Tuna-verse } FISH - Ahhhhh, it's a Mackerel" ] } } In the last scalebiting episode, Fish Gordon was facing his arch enemy, } Herr-Ing the Merciless, and a whole school of his heartless shellfish } minions. "blub glub" gloated Herr-Ing, "blooob glug glug floob /-ere } are the sodding subtitles ?! That's better. We've got you, Gordon! } Surrender or it's bye bye swim bladder!" } "Hah" said Gordon "You may have the crabs, Herr-Ing, but I'm not } scared." "I knew you wouldn't disappoint me" quoth Herr-Ing, "Forward, } men, pincer movement!". Fish swam his ground as the legion of } crustaceans swept sideways towards him, a cunning gleam in his eye. } Suddenly, with a dashing swish of the tail, he propelled himself upward } towards a small dangling object. "You fool!" bubbled Herr-Ing "No-one } has ever survived the dreaded hook-thingy!" Gordon, unswayed, swam } straight for the gleaming object with a maggot on it, and took a firm } bite. Instantly, he felt himself pulled upward with staggering force, } just avoiding the snatching crab claws below. "Joe! Joe! I've hooked a } big one!" yelled Hank, straining at his rod and madly winding his reel. } With a struggle, he dumped the fish in his landing net. "Well I'll } be!" said Joe "A forty poun' Mackerel!" } "Forty one, actually" hissed Gordon. } "Holy s**t!! He spoke!!" The two bent over Gordon, in awe and shock. } "Yes." said Gordon "For I am Fish Gordon, mutant mackerel of many } powers. } I can tap-dance, I can sing, I can save the Ocean from evil Herr-Ing, } I can slay my enemies, like lambs to the slaughter, but I can't } sodding well breathe out of water. THROW ME BACK BEFORE I } SUFFOCATE!!" } "No can do, pal" said Joe, "We're both kinda hungry, y'see." } "Ah.." said Gordon "then perhaps you'd like to know how I got mutated" } "Why'd we wanna know that ?" } "Well, a few years back when I was a normal mackerel, I accidentally } swam past this bunch of containers on the sea bed. They were bubbling, } and one of them was marked somewhat cryptically :'*UCL*AR W*STE'. } Strange story, huh ?" } [Pause] [SPLASH!!] --- 513-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle Trans-Light Shipping Industries, > > I, the undersigned have recently received the new Intel Optium > based computer that you will be advertising in the year 2004. My staff > is impressed with the speed of the delivery, but are unhappy with two > flaws found in your design. Unless these flaws are corrected, we will > be forced to terminate our contract with you, per contract section > II.4-r dated November 15, 2000. > > a) All of my employees who have used the computer started suffering > withdrawal symptoms when kept from using the equipment for more than > a few hours. Each person also tested positive for illegal > substances after using your equipment. Further tests eliminated all > possible sources of these results other than your equipment. > > b) the same high levels of Beta and Gamma radiation have been detected > from your new machines as were detected in your earlier Pentium, > Hexium, and Septium based units. > > These radiation levels have forced our insurance rates through > the roof, and since we will be ed in turn by the Programmer's > Union (again), the Insurer, the Federal Goverment (again) and by your > August Personage, we drew straws, and I got the short one to complain > to you. > > Sincerely, > > William Gates-Clone #4a/jjs#2c > > General Manager MicroSouthWest, > one of the baby-Microsoft companies. > Jul 3, 2000. > > P.S. Have you ever noticed that Bill-Prime never seems to draw a short > straw? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My Dear Mr. Gates(4a), } } What you describe as "flaws" in the system happen to be precisely what } you ordered. My review of the purchase order authorized by an } unreasonable facsimile of BillPrime states that you wish to purchase } several "Intel Opium-based computers," and that is precisely what I } shipped. Is it any surprise that your programmers show withdrawal } symptoms? Better computing through chemistry, I say! I also say to } proofread your damn purchase orders. Doesn't Microsoft have an } error-checking word processor? That works? } } As for your second "flaw," I recall that one of the major selling } points for you was our patented Oracular True Random Number Generator, } capable of generating numbers so random that only the Oracle can } predict them. It quite clearly says in the fine print that the OTRanG } contains several radioactive isotopes and DNA strands from } Schroedinger's cat, right there between the list of standard options } and the warning against use of woodchucks as mousepads. You have } no-one but yourself to blame for your problems. } } Sincerely, } } Oracle } Oracle Trans-Light Shipping and Transmission Repair } } PS Yes, I have noticed, I'm the Oracle, you pinhead. I've also } noticed that BillPrime thinks he owns the North Pole, Monticello, } Millie the Dog, and plans to sue his wife for producing a child with } the milkman's "look and feel." --- 513-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Gee, Oracle, you're really keen. > > You're like a magic 8-ball with brains! > > How do you do it? With a microprocessor???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For the moment I'll ignore the direction this compliment leans in } (attitude sinestre, without doubt), and attempt to address the one } particular minutium of your query that appears to have some basis in } post-Australopithecine curiosity: that of my sexuality. } } Being a channelling of, shall we say, all that is "Deux ex machina", } yet also having corporeal form best described as "life" (see } _Cyberiada_ by Stanislau Lem [_The Cyberiad_, if you please]) I am } capable of "doing it" on many levels. In its basest form, this can } simply be repeatedly reading and writing the data cache of some } anonymous CPU on the Usenet. A more meaningful coupling would be me } ejecting a cartridge tape into the moist, expectant hand of one of my } caring attendants. The ultimate communication of sexual expression } is, of course, reading news. In this way, I am remarkably similar to } most Usenet users. } } Please note that nowhere on this hierarchy of amorous exchange did I } list "answering snide questions from alt.fantasy.ferret subscribers." } } The Oracle has spoken. You owe the Oracle 10 Mb worth of nasty GIF } files. --- 513-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I finally finished up with my undergraduate work, and was all > set to enter The Real World. (I paid for five years of college so I > wouldn't HAVE to grovel.) > > I was crossing the stage, and just as I got my diploma, this voice > said, "CUT! That's a wrap!" All of a sudden, everyone just faded out, > and now these guys are trying to take the stage away. What's going on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } } From a mental snapshot of your cerebrum, and the experience that you } are currently having... I've concluded that you are suffering from a } rare delusion known only as "Post Diem Happious Gradatum Depression". } } There have only been a few cases of this reported in the history of } manic depressive disorders. } } For the past few days, you have been living in an altered state of } reality where in your mind 5 years have passed. In this state you have } been reliving all episodes of the "Happy Days" Television Show. If you } concentrate very hard, you'll be able to hear "Rock Around the Clock" } playing in the background. } } You have become so sentimentally attached to the comedic actions of the } Happy Days cast, now that Ralph, Pottsie, and Richie are about to } graduate and move on with their lives, your subconscious cannot handle } the strain of "letting go". } } If you were to look at the director calling "CUT", you would notice } that it is in fact Ron Howard, with a moustache and 2 children, though } you can't picture little Opie Cunningham ever really "doing it". } } There is no permanent cure for this disease, though there is treatment } to help combat its ill-natured effects. Whenever you feel yourself } slipping away from reality and entering Arnold's, take a deep breath } and say: } } Sit on it, bucko! } Sit on it, bucko!! } Sit on it, bucko!!! } } ... 10 times, each time getting progressively louder, until the } sensation to hit jukeboxes and hang around in the men's bathroom } subsides. } } Since this has been such an extreme case of delusion, I will forgive } you for not grovelling. You are actually about to begin your first } class at University, even though in this altered reality, you have } imagined yourself graduating. } } You owe the oracle all the episodes of "Joanie Loves Chachi" in } syndication. --- 513-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > What is the best way for me to make lots of money? > I mean, I'm good looking, smart, and all those other things, but what I > want, and need, is MONEY. > O tell me, wonderful, and wise oracle, what should I do? > I'll give you anyhting if you tell me the answer, except for money, of > course. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear unenlightened supplicant. The Oracle is grieved by your misguided } affinity for material things. True enlightenment and happiness can only } come when we free ourselves from our desires for material things. The } Oracle can help you with this. I give seminars on "Freeing ourselves } from our desires for material things." These seminars, run by myself, } and my personally trained assistants, teach you to love the little } things in life, to appreciate that which money will never buy you, and } to free yourself from desires for money. } } There is a seminar starting soon. The seminars last a week, and cost } only $4999 (trans, food, lodging extra). They are held at our peaceful } estate in Hawaii. Call 1-900-U-ORACLE to make a reservation for the } next seminar. } } The Oracle senses your hesitation. That hesitation is only more proof } of your need to attend the seminar. Won't you please call now? Your } future is waiting. --- 513-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, in whose wisdom we all share, the current threat > is most grevious to hear of. I refer, of course, to the fiendish plot > by a certain large computer firm to infiltrate your circuits and use > your omnipotence to revamp their products and boost their rapidly > falling stock sales. Now, it may appear that no such plot could > possibly succeed, but, in this case, it has been put together with all > the subtlty and fiendish cunning of an extremely cunning and fiendish > person. By appearing to have a vicious fight, IBM and Microsoft have > cleverly fooled the entire world into believing that they are at each > other's throats. Secretly, however, they are concocting the above > mentioned plan to take over all the world's computers. Using Windows > 3.1 to pave the way, strategically placed sales of OS/2 2.0 and > Windows NT will be used to seize control over various strategic > computer locations: MIT's Project Athena, Stanford AI Lab, Indiana > University Computer Science, CMU Robotics Lab, etc. Through the use > of these two almost, but not completely, similar operating systems the > minds of the users will be enslaved through the use of heightened > levels of frustration combined with cleverly designed subliminal > messages appearing whenever users attempt to read news. Eventually, > when their control is complete, they will strike! How do you plan to > deal with this? Does it matter, for is rescuing IBM within even your > power? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } C:\>ZOT } Bad command or file name --- 513-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and brilliant Oracle, whose radiance exceeds even that of > Chernobyl: > > How many Oracles does it take to screw in a light bulb? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, quite frankly, it depends on the bulb. However, Oracle Testing } Labs (tm) has found that it is a number directly proportional to the } amount of wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. } } You owe the Oracle a bright idea.