From oracle-request Fri Dec 4 00:10:43 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA26330; Fri, 4 Dec 1992 00:10:43 -0500 Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1992 00:10:43 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #508 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 508 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #508 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1992 00:10:43 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 508 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 503 35 votes 4ec41 4ae52 138da 24f95 257c9 3cc62 07fa3 3cd52 65aa4 674a8 503 3.1 mean 2.5 2.7 3.8 3.3 3.6 2.8 3.3 2.7 3.0 3.2 --- 508-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do you do with a drunken sailor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Give him a tatoo of a heart with the name 'Bob' inside of it. --- 508-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Your oracle-highness! > Bright light of wisdom! > I am sorry to bother you again with a rather personal question, but > I am in deep despair! > Please let a tiny drop of your shiny wisdom fall into my dark pool > of stupidy! > > Why doesn't she like me? What have I done wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, your grovel has touched this Oracle. This is because you } are the Ideal Supplicant (tm). See, the Oracle is pleased (tickled } pink, really) by a good grovel before you speak. } } Pretend you are having dinner with Me. Then you say things like } "Oh Oracle whose boots I am not worthy to lick, please pass the salt" } that's good. However, remember that grovels are for the Oracle. } Plain ol' mortals may not take them well. See, your would-be beloved } thinks it's weird for you to say: } } Oh Alice whose boots I am not worthy } to lick and whose compressed form is } still bigger than my disk quota, please } pass the salt. } } Hey, this is the 90s. The Oracle would certainly pass the salt after } such a noble attempt. Alice will merely glare at you. Such are mortals. } } Oh Alice whose armpits I am not worthy to sniff, } whose toe jam is unto ambrosia and whose tooth- } flossings are truly as their weight in gold, } can you open this jar of spaghetti sauce? } } See, now Alice is really miffed. She thinks you've insulted } her. Hell, she uses SpeedStick (tm) for Women (regd) so just } get the hell out of here. You'll be lucky if she doesn't hit } you with the jar of spaghetti sauce, first. } } Oh telephone operator whose intellect can span } Sartre and Monty Python concurrently, (and indeed } who knows a MetaWriter to average the two) please } tell me Alice's phone number. } } After the second line you're talking to a dead line. Telephone } operators are mortal, too. And not likely to be reading } Sartre while waiting for you to call. } ----------- } } There -- that's a summary of your problem. You're welcome } to come visit some time, because you are my type. But } forget Alice. And bring a duck, six feet of twine and } a small, flat stone. --- 508-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who was it who had the great idea of calling a catarrhal > inflammation of the mucous membranes of the head and > respiratory tract, along with the accompanying symptoms > of raised temperature, light-headedness, wheezing, > coughing and hoarseness, a "cold"? > > Aaachooo. Pass the Kleenex(tm), please. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Adam, in the Garden. In the original language of Eden given to } Adam by God, our most common ailment was more logically known as } "the hots." But this led to a rather unfortunate scene between } our First Father and his helpmate: } } ADAM: Eve, I've got the hots, could you get some Kleenex? } EVE: Pig!! } } Adam petitioned for a change of terminology, and we've been } stuck with "cold" ever since. --- 508-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Most Wise Oracle, He Who Can Truly Be Called "Wise Guy": > > Sid Bream crossed home plate just before midnight, October 14th, 1992, > making the Atlanta Braves the National League Champions. > > Is there any cosmic significance to this? If not, why not? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. That's basically because baseball is only number 4734389801333582 } in rank of popularity of sports in the Cosmos. Most of us immortal } beings follow only the most popular two or three thousand. } } My personal favorite in Quaxzorkian Field Blmpht, a game which would be } considered odd by human standards: sixteen teams, of 12.7 Quaxzorks } each (don't ask about the additional .7 Quaxzork), mill around a } playing field the approximate size and shape of Idaho, and attempt to } do everything in their power not to bonk a street-sweeper on the head. } This is, of course, complicated by the many random fjords, mountains, } and mind-control devices scattered around the field, as well as the } possibility of scoring goals by coming up with the smelliest filibuster } (the Quaxzorks communicated by smell). The winning team gets to go on } a "Build-your-own-Bureaucracy" spree to the nearest galactic } civilization. As a result, whenever a game of Quaxzorkian Field Blmpht } is begun, cries of "There go the neighborhood" resound throughout the } entire supercluster, and often neighboring civilizations moves their } galaxies elsewhere. Still, it is a very exciting game to follow; } nothing quite compares to the smell of a really foul oath uttered by a } player that has just committed the ultimate breach of Field Blmpht } sports ettiquette, a complex and inexplicable ritual that, for some } bizarrely coincidental reason, is called a "M'kenro." } } You owe the Oracle a space-time continuum autographed by Honus Wagner. --- 508-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and powerful Oracle, please tell me; is there any > sociological connection between American society's predilection for > three-letter acrnyms (CIA, FBI, KKK, etc.) and American society's > predilection for fouletter words? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *** ALERT *** } *** ALERT *** } *** Nerd ALERT *** } } It has been brought to the attention of the ENDS (Early Nerd Detection } System) that you have used a GRE vocabulary word (predilection) TWICE } in the same entry. Please be informed that armed security guards and } irritated poodles on long leashes are en route to your house at this } time. } } But in the meantime, to amuse you in your last moments on earth. . . } the ENDS will redirect your question back to the Oracle. Please hold. . } } *** End Transmission *** } } Zzzzzzz. . . [snort] Huh? Who? Wha? } } . Oh, it's you again. Damn, I have to get these early detection units } to buzz me before these annoying questions get sent to me. } } Alright. . . alright. . . what the hell do you want to know? Oh yeah, } the predilection question. . . } } American GOVERNMENT has a fascination with acronyms in general, due } mostly to the fact that the sloths and yuppie monkeys that are running } this country have little intelligence to spare in the attempt to } memorize whole names and titles when three easy letters will suffice. } Why give Quayle a hard time making him remember "Federal Bureau of } Investigations" when he can just say "FBN"? (oops, somebody remind him } that it's Investigations and not N-vestigations!) An earlier attempt } was made to switch over to shorter nicknames, like "Goon Squad" for the } FBI, but massive confusion overcame D.C. when more than one } organization (CIA, IRS, DEA, etc) claimed the same nickname. On top of } that, the government believes that American citizens are like 5 year } old children who cannot understand that their parents are talking about } D-I-V-O-R-C-E when they spell it out instead of saying it. } } As far as American society and the fixation on four-letter words. } Well, that's just a natural responsive reaction to the American } government. If I weren't omniscient and depended on the government to } take care of my well being, I'd probably be shouting four-letter words, } too. } } You owe the Oracle. . . oh, nevermind. The hit squad should be pulling } into your driveway about now. --- 508-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orrie, McGuinness here. Ashamed to say so, old boy, but I'm in > a bit of a bind. We're up on K2, you know, at Base Camp 2, > 6500m, and one of the Sherpas took it into his head to come > down with acute appendicitis. Surgeon's down at Base Camp > 1 with altitude sickness, so it's me or no one. I haven't > done this since the Antarctica trip in '74, and don't > have bloody much more than an expedition knife and some > fishing leader. > > Any advice, then? And much obliged, as always. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Mr. Fichman; } } I appreciate the opportunity to answer historical enquiries; it gives } me something to do other than listen to the meanderings of petty } supplicants. It is a pleasure to help you decypher the expedition log } entry that you sent to me, on behalf of the British Historical } Society. } } Edgar G. McGuinness was a member of the Himalaya Mountaineering Club } from 1865 to 1898. Before his fated final climb, he was noted as a } capable, albeit an eccentric, explorer. } } I can understand the confusion here, but "Orrie" is a name reserved } solely for the use by my closest friends. In the log entry, "Orrie" } was the nickname of his pet toucan, Orlando, found on Mr. McGuinness's } South American Amazon expedition in 1863. } } On June 15, 1898, the McGuinness party, including geologist Matthew } Simpson, botanist Avery Brewster, his personal physician Dr. Peter } Bridges, and 5 Sherpa guides, started their ascent of K2, at that time } thought to be the second highest peak in the world. } } On July 1, 1898, Mr. McGuinness appeared at the Sherpa village } Shanzai, claiming that the other members of his party had met with an } unfortunate accident on the North Slope, buried by a freak avalanche. } He said that he was spared because he had climbed ahead to assess } passability. He produced the expedition log, stating that before the } accident, there had been one other unusual occurrence, that being the } sickness of one of the guides, but that the physician had returned in } time to perform the operation. The bodies of the others were never } recovered. } } There was one other survivor of that expedition. One of the guides } was found at the base of the mountain, incessantly repeating, "No, } doctor, I don't need an operation." When questioned, he could only } add that Mr. McGuinness had told the other members of the party that } he had seen a thousand points of light at the summit, and that the } others needed cleansing in order to see it. Since the guide was } obviously mad, his story was not believed and the incident drifted } into obscurity. } } However, now that you have asked, I can tell you that the deaths were } by no means an accident. Mr. McGuinness had indeed hallucinated the } thousand points of light and had systematically murdered his party in } a bizarre ritual. Starting with Dr. Bridges, he operated on them in } their sleep. The lone guide survived because he had gone outside to } urinate in the middle of the night. Upon returning, he met Mr. } McGuinness with his hunting knife bloodied by his diabolical work. } Mr. McGuinness called to him, saying that the guide was "... sick; } woefully lacking the purity of your precious bodily fluids. I can } cleanse you. Let me share your pain." } } The guide fled for his life, but the shock of seeing his countrymen } and his charges viciously mutilated so scarred the him that he died } soonafter, stubbornly refusing the care of any of the village doctors. } } Since the truth was never known, Mr. McGuinness was allowed to retire } from a life of adventure and settle in Hollywood, California, where he } became a celebrated silent movie producer. } } I am sorry that your quest to discover the character of such a man did } not end in the triumph that you must surely have imagined. In this } case, I shall not require payment. Instead, please accept my donation } to your Society Museum of 7 pairs of used hiking boots, 3 pairs only } slightly worn. } } With highest regards, } } The USENET Oracle --- 508-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle: > > Recently I have been very depressed over my low grades. Should I drop > out of school and go pack salmon in alaska? I hear the money is good. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I'll have to turn this one over to the experts. } } Bob: Like, you do the theme song, eh. } Doug: No way, eh. Last time I did the theme song, you skipped out } and made me look like a knob, eh. Let's just get to today's } topic, eh. } } Bob: Okay, today's topic is going to school or packing salmon. Hey, } Doug, have you ever packed salmon? } Doug: Like, yes, eh, but it's hard to keep it in the holster. } What those hosers need is a good doughnut shop up there. } } Bob: That's all we have time for, eh. This is Bob and Doug saying } goodbye from the Great White North. } } You owe the Oracle a #4 tin, a doughnut cutter, and a more current } comedic device. --- 508-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you do it doggy styple? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Styple is one thing an Oracle would rather not discuss. Whyp would } ypou, a mere mortal, want to know about styple? Ypou are ypet another } ypak in the flyping fish's mouth. } } Ypou owe the Oracle whatever kind of keypboard that has the yp keyp } next to the p keyp. --- 508-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I feel really bad eating those E.L. Fudge cookies becuaze they > look all like theyr little elves and I once saw this movie called Star > Wars II and in it Han Solo got frozen and he kinda reminsds me of the > little elves and maybe those arent' cokies at all but instead they ar > just little elves all frozzen like Han Solo becasse Jabba the Hut got > them and maybe someone like an elf jedi is going to come and kill me > just like JAbba beccause i ate lots and lotss of them the other day and > what if the cookie z were all his friends or somethin? > > Bobby age 6 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Eun-Yung Lee Fujiyoshi opened the door and slipped inside. He passed } dozens of rows of little metal shells lined up on conveyor belts which } filled the room, connected in a long route which brought them in one } end of the room, passed them through the complicated looking mechanism } which was the room's only other distinguishing feature, and back out } the other end of the room. Reaching into his pocket he retrieved a } smallish key card, which glints dully in the dim light as he lifts it } to slide it into a panel on the mechanism. Suddenly lights flicked to } life and a control panel popped open as the machine came to life. } Eun-Yung chuckled sinisterly as he began touching several of the } controls. The conveyors began to move, and suddenly a few of the metal } shells began to move back and forth and muffled cries emanated from } several of them. A moment later the first metal canister on the intake } side of the machine disappeared into its maw, and a brief cry echoed } through the room as a series of lights flashed on the machine's face. } Suddenly a loud WHOOSH of escaping gasses filled the air, and clouds of } vapor spouted out of the top of the machine .... } } Eun-Yong moved to the machine's output and watched as the canister } emerged, covered in frost. He picked up a glove and lifted it, } revealing a smallish flat cookie coated in chocolate, shaped like a } little elf. He nodded to himself, replacing the canister and moving to } the one just about to enter the machine. He lifted that one, and } underneath was a live elf, bound and gagged. He sneered at the panicked } look on the little fellw's face and laughed again. "In a moment you'll } be squashed, frozen, and covered in chocolate... what do you think of } THAT?" } } He left the room, still giggling to himself as another WHOOSH sounded } behind him. "Ah, brilliant I am... I, Eun-Yong Lee Fujiyoshi, have } perfected the art of making cryo-cookies.... No-one will ever know } that my cookies are made not BY elves, but FROM elves... nor will they } ever know they are named after me... E. L. Fudge!!" } } The door closes behind him and he can still be heard laughing as he } walks away. } } Suddenly the Oracle appears. "That's the way the cookie crumbles, here } in ... the Twilight Zone." --- 508-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, to whom the wisdom of the ages is but everyday > happening answer me this: > > What is the best way to return romance to my (female) finacee's > and my relationship? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The best way to return romance to your fiancee's relationship is to } mark it "Addressee Unknown--Return to Sender." If I were you, though, } I'd keep as much romance as you can. It will come in handy this } winter, considering that the Florida Romance Growers' Association is } reportingthat romance crops have been decreasing ever since Kiefer } left Julia at the alter. And with Charles and Di splitting-- well, } it's going to be a long, unromantic winter. In fact, you should } probably just call off the engagement right now. Just to show you } that I'm not entirely insensitve, I'll tell you what I'll do. Let } me have your fiancee's number, and I'll console her.