From oracle-request Fri Sep 18 10:27:58 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA07852; Fri, 18 Sep 1992 10:27:58 -0500 Date: Fri, 18 Sep 1992 10:27:58 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #480 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 480 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #480 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 18 Sep 1992 10:27:58 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 480 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 475 34 votes 7ac50 0a7b6 37c75 12gc3 7aa43 06g93 6b647 25h55 28i60 017fb 475 3.1 mean 2.4 3.4 3.1 3.4 2.6 3.3 2.9 3.2 2.8 4.1 --- 480-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Most wise Oracle, > > My wife has had but one auto accident in 11 years of driving. > Interestingly enough, her insurance has lapsed exactly once. Why must > these two seemingly unrelated events necessarily coincide? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I assume that the (unspecified) duration of the lapse is small; } had it been, for example, 10.5 years, you would hardly have } perceived it as a coincidence. } } Apparently you are not familiar with the good work of Accidents } Incorporated; this firm receives money from insurance companies } in return for making accidents happen to drivers who forget to pay } their premiums. } } When the report of a lapsed policy is passed from the insurance } company's computer to the AI computer, a radio bulletin is sent out } to all AI drivers to look for and, if possible, dent the fenders of, } the offender. } } The offender is ever after prompt in payment, and the insurance } company thus profits from its small investment. --- 480-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle who surpasses the 7 wonders of the world please answer me > this > > Many times I have come asking questions and seeking your vast wisdom, > and with every answer I have received a bill. The other day my mom > decided to surprise me by cleaning my apartment and has thrown out my > "you owe the Oracle..." list. Remind me please, what all do I owe you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, geez. I've got a list here on my desk somewhere... } } *shuffle shuffle shuffle* } } Okay, here we go. } } You owe the Oracle one set of purple ostrich leather restraint cuffs, } complete with plumes, twenty-seven ounces of Libido Delight massage } cream, butter-rurutabaga flavor, two rubber aprons, a small frog, } and... uh ... } } No, sorry about that; that's Lisa's shopping list. } } *shuffle shuffle scrape dig dig dig* } } You owe the Oracle Geraldine Ferraro, Tipper Gore, and Pat Schroeder in } skin-tight lime green peek-a-boo girdles and... } } No, that's *MY* shopping list. } } *shuffle shuffle rustle sort meow THWACK! whimper stagger crumple die } rustle* } } Aha! This looks more promising... You owe the Oracle a case of tarragon } pasties, twelve bottles of something green and slimy with a } presumptuous bouquet and a tumenescent, full bodied palate tapering to } a gritty and lugubrious finish, a metric ruler, an electric violin } tuned in the minoxodilic mode, your left foot tastefully wrapped in } used bubblegum wrappers, an anvil, a copy of The Telephone Company } employee handbook translated into Ancient Cyrillic, two fifths of the } remaining Native American population of Brooklyn, the fifteenth tooth } (from the left) of the forty-ninth expansion joint (counting from the } Lower Peninsula end) of the Mackinaw bridge, a membership to the } Illegitmate Daughters of Elvis Health Club and Chitlin Spa, the real } story behind the space aliens that sank the Edmund Fitzgerald, that } snowball you made when you visited Chicago in 1979 during the big } blizzard, a Yugo that works, two goats suitable for sacrifice to lesser } gods, the ultimate software engineering methodology, a lifetime } subscription to The Utne Reader's Digest, four hundred and fifteen } pounds of the finest Nepalese coffee beans, the solution to the } three-body problem, a shattering expose of Jenny Craig and Geraldo } Rivera's love nest in the Andes, and a foot masseuse that bears a } striking resemblance to Isabella Rossellini. --- 480-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle most wise, whose wisdom flows like kernels of yummy popcorn, > please enlighten this poor supplicant... > > Are Daryl Gates and William Gates related? They both seem to want to > make America an oppressive dictatorship with really stupid rules. > > (For references, see D.A.R.E. and Microsoft Windows.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Poor supplicant? The Oracle is well aware of your little earner across } 48 of the states and that numbered Swiss bank account. Good thing the } FBI are still taking that bribe money, isn't it? } } As to your question, you are half-correct. In fact, Daryl Gates IS } William Gates. The film 'D.A.R.E' was originally supposed to be about } Microsoft Windows and ol' Bill, but a number of small changes had to be } made for copright reasons. } } And you needn't bother with the reference section. Microsoft Windows is } what I inflict on people who don't grovel, and I've seen every movie } that will ever be made at least half a million times. (Well, I've had } it on the television, at least; Lisa usually manages to distract me by } the first commercial break) } } You owe the Oracle 10% of the profits of your 'little earner' in } perpetuity (or I inform the Mother's Decency League - you wouldn't want } that, would you?) --- 480-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Re: your posting > > I would also like any info that you have recieved. > > Thanks in advance, > Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm. I *suppose* that you realize the traditional punishment is for } omitting a grovel? Well, lucky for you that I'm in such a good mood } today (the thing that Lisa did with the short-tailed lemurs would have } killed a lesser diety, y'know). } Although, following the pattern of many other disrespectfully non- } groveling supplicants, you have been less than specific in your request } (after all, nearly 31% of all postings are actually my own) the Oracle } is quite certain about which of my many spectacular recent posts you } are referring. } } orrie> cd elvis } orrie> ls } elvisalive elvisdead } orrie> cd elvisalive } orrie> ls } j-hoffa lovechild biker mmonroe sex moresex } elvismail pris taxes suede sideburns sitings-real } sitings-false } orrie> cd sitings-real } orrie> ls } nyork njersey paris trucker dquayle Bishoptutu } Losangeles SanFran tvrepair discjockey morrissey McCartney } orrie> more dquayle } } Oh Oracle most wise, who really really knows why George chose me for } Vice-President (thank Lisa on my behalf for those pictures!), I need } your help again! When I went into the Oval Office this morning to ask } George what I should do today before lunch that darn *Elvis* guy was } there again. I just *know* that when we get low enough in the polls } the party will let him drop me from the ticket and have that slink } hipped over-the-hill value-deprived-rocker in my place! Marilyn says } I'm nuts, but I think she disagrees just because she always thought } that he was cute. What should I do? I'm so confused, everyone seems } to like him more than they like me. } } orrie> } orrie> logout } } You owe the Oracle a ticket to Elvis's first return show. --- 480-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh most reverent oracle, whose intelligence surpasses by far even the > geekiest techie at NASA, who could score full marks on the MIT entrance > exam while doing your 1992 taxes at the same time, who could body slam > Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Meat-Head with your pinky finger, whose > girlfriend Lisa gives a woody to every man who thinks about her, please > aid your humble and lowly supplicant by answering the simplest of > question: > > What exactly is "uh-huh", what sound does Diet Pepsi make when you > taste the "uh-huh-ness", and how does "uh-huh" make Diet Pepsi a better > drink than that of Diet Coke? (P.S. Did Ray Charles pick out the > Dancers himself?) > > Many Thanks, Oh Oracle of Oracles... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Methinks you have been hanging out with the Newfies again. } } "Uh-huh" is an ancient Mesopotamian herb previously used only as a } aphrodisiac for cattle and other assorted bovines. It was discovered } in the lower delta of a now-forgotten river in Mesopotamia by a farmer } known as Gilliganmesh, who noticed that his cows seemed much more } affectionate than usual after munching certain plants. (Don't ask me } why he was interested in affectionate cows...this is a family network.) } He reported the discovery to his local wizard (known to us only as the } Professor), who promptly distilled the essence of Uh-huh from the } plant. Thus did Mesopotamia become the cattle country of the past. } } Diet Pepsi makes no additional sound when one tastes the uh-huhness; it } simply continues to make that goofy fizzing noise one usually hears. } The taster, however, begins to make the Famous Cattle Mating Cry } ("uh-huuuuUUUUUUUH!") and performs the Horney Cattle Dance, just as } depicted in the commercials. } } If one is into cows, the advantages over Coke are blatantly obvious. } } You owe the Oracle a steak. } } PS Yes, he did. By scent. } } PPS PS and PostScript are registered trademarks of Adobe Inc and } shouldn't be tacked on to your supplications without the express } written consent of the National Football League, or a cow. --- 480-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great and Powerful Oracle, whose feces have the fertilizing strength > of thousands of cows, please tell these humble supplicants: > > Is it illegal to send feces through the US mail? Not that we would > even think about trying it of course, but if we did, would the mail > cops come and arrest us? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That depends on what animal the feces came from. } } If you tried to sent your own feces to, for example, an anonymous } Vice-President, then you might be arrested on the grounds of } disseminating easy to read documents to a member of the government. } } If, however, you sent horse feces to a vetinary college you would not } be arrested because they can examine it and gain scientific knowledge. } } If you sent dog feces to McDonalds, then they would..... } begin 644 dog } M<'5T(&ET(&EN('1H92!H86UB=7)G97)S+"!W:&%T(&5L Oh oracle, whose knowledge everyone begs, > > what do you call a dog with no legs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A one line grovel?? Is that the best you can do } In exchange for an answer to a question from you? } } I'm sorely tempted to reply with a , } But I've given your query a little thought. } } So instead I've decided to answer this way } (after all, what else can I say?) } } A dog with no legs it is clear to me, } Is no hamburger, as you can plainly see. } } Instead it's a thing for which you thirst, } It's a most delicious kind of wurst. } } In fact, to the most discriminating buyer, } None other than a product of Oscar Meyer! } } I've seen eaters who unflaggingly tout } The lavish addition of fine sauerkraut. } } And others who often embellish } Their repast with some relish. } } But it's obvious to me, if not to you, } That this was an answer that you already knew. } } So in the future if you wish not to be rude, } Quit asking silly questions about food. --- 480-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, knower of all religions, > What are the arguements for and against meeting the pope in person? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } >> Oh great oracle, knower of all religions, } } Oooo! I *lurve* it when I get dirty talk aimed at me! (I assume you } mean "know" in the biblical sense). } } >> What are the arguements for and against meeting the pope in person? } } Well, I find myself somewhat in a quandary here, for you obviously need } a mystical spell-checker permanently occupying your skull - after all, } there's *bound* to be plenty of room inside. Before I tackle the } question, I need to outline the possible interpretations, but let me } first deal with a mistake that does not result in an ambiguity: } } One spells the fourth word of your question "argument", otherwise it } seems to be a rather sticky and messy disagreement. (You know, } arGOOEYment, yes? --- Oh, forget it!) } } The possible interpretations hinge on your evident illiteracy, and your } inability (popular, I might add, amongst our North American USA } brethren) to distinguish between upper and lower case letters. Thus, we } have the following: } } "meeting" could either be "meating" or "meeting", } "person" could either be "person" or "Person" } (i.e., one of those wierdo place-names that the USA seems } to delight in, like "Intercourse", "Temple", or, for all } *you* know, "Doggy Doos" [of course, I already know, but } what of it!]). } "the pope" could either be "The Pope" (i.e., the present encumbent), or } "the pope" (i.e. a pope in general, or the office rather } than the pontiff). } } So, here are the eight possible questions: } } 1) What are the arguements [sic] for meeting the pope in person? } 2) What are the arguements [sic] for meating the pope in person? } 3) What are the arguements [sic] for meeting The Pope in person? } 4) What are the arguements [sic] for meating The Pope in person? } 5) What are the arguements [sic] for meeting the pope in Person? } 6) What are the arguements [sic] for meating the pope in Person? } 7) What are the arguements [sic] for meeting The Pope in Person? } 8) What are the arguements [sic] for meating The Pope in Person? } } This is an outrageous attempt to sidestep my rules by asking more than } one question at a time, but, since you seemed to display such a } devastating lack of good education and so arrived at this state of } affairs by accident, I shall merely assume that you are an unwitting } ex-student of the Dan Quayle Speeling Akkaddermee and assume that you } have nothing to gain from the fruits of penal (or should it be penile, } Dan?) reform. Let me consider each question in turn.... } } 1. "... meeting the pope in person..." } Against: Your lack of lifetime. Unless you are about 2000 years old, } it will also now be impossible. } For: Your necessary achievement of time travel and possibly } infinitely prolonged life. } } 2. "... meating the pope in person..." } Against: Your lack of sexual stamina. Do you really want a cocktail } (pun may or may not be intended) of sexually-transmitted diseases? } For: Your evident sexual stamina. I suppose you would be merely } paying the office back in kind as they've obviously screwed up } enough of other people's lives. } } 3. "... meeting The Pope in person..." } Against: You may not be able to speak Italian with a Polish accent, } Polish with an Italian accent, or even Italian with a polished } accent. Do you also want to be told how to vote for "family values" } in your "dollar democracy" elections? } For: You can ruin two people's lives for a few minutes rather than } countless thousands for the same amount of time - unless, of course, } your meeting is televised... } } 4. "... meating The Pope in person..." } Against: Virtual Reality hasn't yet built a successful or safe } "power condom". If you dispensed with this latex gumshoe, then you } would have to go through the delights of a blood test! } For: Just think of the royalties you might get on any "kiss and } tell" story you sold to the press! } } 5. "... meeting the pope in Person..." } Against: I think the abundance of coffins and what-not in this } almost-certain one-road town in the back of beyond would be rather } tiring to the inhabitants of said shanty-town. What would the } purpose of such a meeting? Would you include or exclude the Avignon } Popes, or all the others who set themselves up at one time or } another in opposition to Rome's Vicar? Genetic tests to see if one } really was a Pope Joan? This needs careful thought, which I guess } rules this one out for you straight away. } For: We could only hope that Person is a tiny place, which the media } could not get to easily, and that you might all get stranded, then } us pagans could get on with our own lives in peace (or is that } Peace, the other tiny American town?) } } 6. "... meating the pope in Person..." } Against: All those listed in 2 and 4, above. Additionally, unless } Person is a place jam-packed full of Peep Shows (well, I guess its } one road may have room for one, next to the MacDonalds and the "Carl } Rogers' 'On becoming a person' Person Institute"), you may not able } to pursue this in a true monetarist money-grubbing manner. } } 7. "... meeting The Pope in Person..." } Against: All the reasons listed in 1 and 3, above. Additionally, are } you some speculator in real-estate around Person? Are you hoping to } get lots of rental from the "Popery Inns" or whatever? I must warn } you that the hotel industry is a precarious one, where fore-closures } are rife. Also, I must advise against opening a string of } restaurants or fast-ffod outlets for the group of religious persons } - After all, most of them would have to serve spaghetti, lasagne, or } pizza, with a smattering of Spanish food, one order of Fish and } Chips, and a similar order for Bortsch or Polish Sausage (see next } interpretation). The dangers of food poisoning with all that rotting } flesh and wood-splinters around around not be a good thing. } For: Well, look at the reasons given in alternative 5. You could } also ask him what it feels like to swallow a whole orange. } } 8. "... meating The Pope in Person..." } Against: The vast quantity of Polish Sausage that would be consumed. } For: The vast quantity of Polish sausage that would be consumed. } } You owe the Oracle one religious sect, one impure point on the Purity } Test, and an application form to re-attend Kindergarten. --- 480-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's your sign? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Neon. --- 480-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle most wise, who already knows who will win the 1995 World > Series, tell me: > > Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer > the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, > Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, > And by opposing, end them. > > as asked by Hamlet himself in act III, scene i. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not this again. Look, Shakey (only his friends call him that) was } royally misquoted on that one, and I don't appreciate having to clear } it up all the time. Lemme dig up the original reference . . . } } *rustle rustle rustle* } } Nope, not in the sock drawer. (gets up and walks to the closet) } } *rustle rustle rustle* } } Ah! Here it is. (picks the old manuscript out of a box) } } Now, lemme see where that quote is . . . ah, yes. } } "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer } the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, } or to grab that old AK-47 and } blow those bastards sky high." } } He has always had trouble with that one; the Royals weren't fond of the } line, and so he was censored. C. F. Trubbles, by the way, was an old } bill collector who had one too many dalliances with Shakey's dear bride } -- and he didn't count on ol' Bill's temper, but then Shakey hadn't had } enough sleep that night so he was already on edge . . . Oh, well. } } I'll spare you the gory details. ANYway, he was prevented from writing } the allusion into his story (originally titled "Hamlet's Nighttime } Lusts), so he had to warn off old C. F. another way. } } So, basically, if you're sleeping with the playwright's wife, then I'd } take up a few arms. Other than that, you're safe. } } You owe the Oracle a $100 bet on Cleveland in the `95 World Series. (I } know -- I *promise*, you make quite a killing. In fact, I'll be happy } to place that bet FOR you! Oh, come ON, who are you going to believe } your silly old common sense or the Usenet Oracle . . . ?)