From oracle-request Sun Aug 23 17:57:55 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA07230; Sun, 23 Aug 1992 17:57:55 -0500 Date: Sun, 23 Aug 1992 17:57:55 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #472 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 472 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #472 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Sun, 23 Aug 1992 17:57:55 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 472 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 472-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that as soon as you're doing what you wanted to be doing, > you want to be doing something else ??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Strange, when I sent a request off to the oracle server, I wanted to } reply to the question it was going to send back to me. But now I don't } want to. } } I don't know if you owe the Oracle anything. --- 472-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most magnificent Oracle, please answer this question: > > I remember a fragment of a dream I had last night, please tell me the > ending: > > (Scene: The Starship Enterprise) > > Crusher: You know I never liked you Wesley. > Wesley: (whining) But Mom. > Worf: I recommend that we kill him instantly. > Picard: (stern, but sympathetic) I understand your feelings Mr. Worf, > but I have a duty to the crew of this ship. > Riker: (annoyed) Then the thing to do is tie him up and cut his dick > off. > Troi: How would such humiliation feel to you Wesley? > Wesley: (whining) Mom, make them stop. > Crusher: I agree, off with his cock. > Picard: Well then, we have a concensus, make it so, Mr. Worf. > > I awoke with a big smile on my face, please let me know what happened. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Wesley: Hey, c'mon, this isn't funny! } } Riker: We're not laughing, are we, Mr. Crusher? } } } } Crusher: Wesley! Goodness, I never knew.... } } Worf: This is truly the weapon of a warrior! } } } } Troi: Captain, is this operation necessary? I really need to } talk to Wesley.... Good grief, it's getting LARGER! Yes! } } } } Geordi: Captain, we found this in Wesley's quarters. } We're not sure what to make of it. } } Picard: What is it? } } Data: My analysis indicates that it is a Ferengi marital device } of some sort. } } Riker: FERENGI?!? Worf, take the scrotum as well. } } Wesley: Hey! } OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...........! } } Troi: Such a friggin waste..... } } You owe the Oracle whatever it is you smoke before bed. --- 472-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracacle of fame and fortune, controller of the Jackpot, wizard of > the lotto, card shark to the Nth degree, master of the lucky 7, and > grand Poobah of Bingo, if you deem to share with even the tinyest scrap > of wisdom, I will be eternally grateful. What does it take to come > home a winner after a 3 day outing in Vegas? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ownership of the casino. } } You owe the Oracle 10%. --- 472-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Dale A. Charletta" <75725.440@CompuServe.COM> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, what's up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 42. } } Your question, devoid of words, says little. Too bad, for I am } omniscient, and know all. In lieu of revealing to you the time and } place of the horrid car-crash which will kill you, I instead shall } put forth a parable, that you may ponder your place relative to } free, soaring spirits: } } Throughout my flying carrer I've had lots of experiences } flying with the big birds, and the thing that I find } most fascinating about it is, that in most cases, the hawk } or eagle seems to regard me as one of them. It's like } going on a wild animal safari, jumping out of the jeep and } hunting prey with the lions. I'm in thier world, not } just looking at them from the other side of a fence. } } I've seen red-tails look right at my face from just beyond } my outside tip as we circle together in a thermal, } and they seem to be aware that the thing that's in control } of that big bird is one of those things that normaly } walks around on two legs. } } I've seen a group of young red-tails line up single file on } the edge of a soarbable knoll, and one by one, } stand still, stretch thier wings out to full span, and then } take three or four steps down the hill on thier claws } and launch, just like hang gliders. True story! They were } imitating hang gliders! } } A few years ago in, in the late fall, I was soaring at Ft. } Funston on a smooth, buoyant straight westerly day. } Just over the golf course, I noticed one of the locals } (red-tailed hawk) parked over the trees at my altitude, } probably looking for lunch. ( I believe biologists refer to } this maneuver as "kiting" ). Anyway, I } approached the hawk from the north and as I got closer I } noted that it was looking sideways at me, but } showed no intention of moving. I guessed that it had been } around enough hang gliders in its carrer that it } wasn't bothered with my presence. I got close enough so that } as I did a gentle 180 away from it, my outside } tip came to within a few feet of it. My intent was to } convince the hawk to forget about lunch for a few } minutes and to come and play me with me. I looked back } after rolling out of the turn and, as I had hoped, } there was my red-tailed buddy, following me. I cruised } north to the end of the bowl in front of the golf } course and began a slow roll back to the south. Keeping } formation, the hawk began to turn just as I did, so } that when we'd both rolled out, I was following him (her?). } As we came upon the south end of the bowl, she } began to roll back to the north, which I mimicked, so that } she was again following me. } } We repeated this routine several times, creating, as far as } I knew, the world's first impromptu avian/ human } arieal ballet. I was amazed at the connection I had made } with this untamed animal. } } After several minutes of this, my new flying buddy } remembered that she was hungry, broke our formation, } and headed back to her original "kiting" spot. Since I } wasn't ready to stop playing yet, I climbed just a bit } higher than her, turned just a bit downwind, rolled out and } lined up on her six-o-clock and passed about 3 } feet over her head. During this close pass, she never } altered her position, and her head movements } indicated that she was alternating between scanning the } ground just below her, and attempting to look up } and behind her as I approached from her six-o-clock high. I } noted that it was difficult for her to twist her } neck enough to see above or behind her. } } I have learned that biologists try not anthropomorphisize } animal behavior; that is to say; to not interpret an } animals behavior or motivation as anything resembling our } own. However, I'm sure that my red-tailed } friend must have found my close passes to be a good comprise } of her need to search for lunch and a } desire to clown around with me. I made several of these } passes, with my basetube passing as close as 3 feet } over her back (upper fuselage, torso?) , and she never } flinched. } } The temptation was too much. I knew that my friend would } soon spot a tasty, warm, writhing mammal in the } trees and dive for lunch, or another hang glider would come } along and break up our party. I had an } opportunity to do what non-pilots can't even dream about. } I had to do it. } } On my final pass, I started my run just a little bit lower. } The wind was straight west at about 20 mph. Our sink } rates were almost exactly the same in the buoyant ridge- } lift. I pulled in just a bit, increasing my closure rate } to a still dream-like 2 mph. Time stretched, warmed to a } diffused glow. The hawks attentions were no } longer half-focused on the ground. She tried to looked up } over her back, at me. Wings twisting in smooth } correction of airspeed, to match mine. Closure rate almost } imperceptible. Her wings now directly under } me, one foot below my basetube. } } I reached down with my right hand and lightly tapped her on } the back. } } A sudden realization must have come over the hawk, like when } a puppy and a kitten play with each other, } then realize that thier instincts tell them that it's not } the way thier supposed to behave. } As I passed in front of her, she rolled to the right, } almost ninety degrees, and perfunctorily extended her } talons. It wasn't a panicked or frightened gesture, but more } like the hawk body-language equivalent of } "It's been fun, but if my mate catches me fooling around } with you, you're in big trouble. So, leave...now, or } my instincts will force me to tear through your Oakley } Factory Pilot Eyeshades and scratch your eyes out!" } } So I left. } } I headed back to launch ...back to the world of humans, and } thought about what I'd done. Oh, sure, it was a } beautiful thing, and I could have kept my hands to myself. } But maybe I was doing just what the writer of } "High Flight" had suggested. To "slip the surly bonds of } earth...reach out a hand, and touch the face } (back?) of God." --- 472-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } !#(^#@#!! --- 472-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OhOracleMostViceandallthat. They are after me, what should I do? > Answer fast please. > *Crash* > No.. no.. NO! > *BANG* > *click* And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Go hide, or are you dead already? --- 472-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, most magnificent and merciful Oracle, master of the universe, > protector of the meek, whose nose I am not worthy to pick and whose > faeces are an untrammelled delight, and whose peacocks keep me awake > all hours with their noisy lovemaking, I beseech thee, tell thy humble > supplicant the name of the section between the triglyphs in the frieze > section of a classical Doric entablature. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That would be the G spot. } } You owe the oracle a night of passion with a classical Doric } entablature. --- 472-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, whose brain is so large that it takes 3 weeks to > drive around it! > > Since you know everything, surely you must also know what I am about > to ask you, so I need not write it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Exactly. --- 472-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please let it be known to me, how might I understand the > structure of this mailing address: > !{gatech,ihnp4}!petro!ucmsa!ucm-request > I have only worked with : @.<>.<> > I need to send a letter to this place, yet I know not how. > I ask thy self to pool thy great and vast wisdom to help me in my hour > of need I thank thee oh great one.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, oh lesser supplicant, such words are not from a mundane "mailing } address". Rather, they are the purest language of computer to } computer... that particular passage translates to: } } "Hey, giTUYhy6t6, (a computer's true-name is rather unusual), I've got } some luser here who wants to talk to one of huhYTR675FG's pets. (that } is how they view you mortals.) Should I send it through?" } } The response was: 765485449219.GF05574@screwsloose.dc.gov } Which translates to: "What, and let another h78hk (loosely translates } to "dirty, grubby animal") have its way with him? No way. Make like } the network's out. If he tries again, zap all his files. That'll } teach it." } } So if you should find your files undergoing strange damage, you'd } better make nice, quickly. Try sacrificing a couple calculators to a } clean 120v power source, that usually works. } } You owe the oracle an internet connection in bernaise sauce. --- 472-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo Oracle! > > How much wood would Chuck Berry chuck if Chuck Berry was a woodchuck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yo dude. } } Down at Indiana at the iuvax, } Where censorship of supplicants is rather lax, } An omnipotent being name of "Oracle" got } Another "woodchuck question" - expect a *ZOT*. } } Go, go Orrie go } Go, go Orrie go } Go, go Orrie go } Go, go Orrie go go go - } Orrie B Goode. } } Now for all you with an IQ less than Nikkei Dow, } Don't ask a "woodchuck question" - I'll dissuade you now. } I've reprimanded supplicants for asking less - } Believe me, for the cleaners it was quite a mess. } } So, } Go, go mortal go } Go, go mortal go } Go, go mortal go } Go, go mortal go go go - } Just go. } } You owe the Oracle a decent cover version of "Rock & Roll Music". } } +--------------------------------------------------------------------+ } | _ The Usenet Oracle (ake Orrie B. Goode) | } | / \ | } | \ / All views expressed here are the truth and don't | } | Y you forget it. | } | ---+--- | } | | "I don't need a witicism in _my_ .sig" | } | | - T.U.O. | } +--------------------------------------------------------------------+