From oracle-request Mon May 18 12:57:33 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 18 May 92 12:57:33 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #445 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 445 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #445 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Mon, 18 May 92 12:57:33 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 445 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 445-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle - > > Yesterday for my birthday I received a hamster. > People told me that a hamster was like a mouse, > but cuter. However, I can't find the Apple > DeskTop Bus port on it. Where has it gone? > > Yours, and Apple Mac user. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Apparently can't find the 'grovel' icon, either. } } A hamster is *like* a mouse, not identical to one. There are a few } crucial differences, such as the length of the tail and the relative } cuteness...and the port. } } A mouse comes equipped with an Apple DeskTop Bus port. A hamster, by } comparison, comes with only an Atari joystick port. A rat is used only } on Digital workstations (well, it's not so much a rat as an English } muffin with three buttons), and a squirrel is used on those nutty IBM } systems. There's a rodent for every machine, my friend. --- 445-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle - I have sinned. > > I imitated someone's question (which was: > > > x > > and asked > > > qwerty yuiopp? > > asd fgh jklzx? > > cvbn, m. > > And you said: > > } By the way, could you please stop doing that? > } (This was a friendly warning, the next one won't be!) > > And I realise that I have been wasteful of bandwidth, > and have ignored the wonderful possibilities that > this X Workstation offers to me. > > How can I atone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } YAYUSS! Praise the Lord! } } You must say 15 pater nosters, 12 ave marias, 44 Preambles to the } Constitution, get a golden shower, drink bologna juice every morning } for 3 weeks, cut back on your cholesterol, sit up straight, kick Jerry } Falwell in the nards, and learn to type on a Dvorak keyboard. --- 445-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From: DowJones > Subject: Oracle Unveils Oracle Card For Pen Computing Tool > Date: Tue, 28 Apr 1992 17:59:54 -0400 (EDT) > > BURLINGAME, Calif. -DJ- Oracle Corp. unveiled its first tool for > building pen-based client/server applications, Oracle Card for Pen > Computing. > > Oracle Card is Oracle's portable, graphical client/server application > development environment for Microsoft's Windows, Windows for Pen > Computing and Apple's Macintosh operating system........ > > ------------------------ > Why oh why dear Oracle would thoust condescend to using a Macintosh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } HAH! Darest thou, O lowliest worm beneath my feet, to accuse the } Mighty Oracle, the All-Knowing and Omniscient, the Master of All He } Surveys, the Lord of Encyclopedias, Dictionaries, and Thesauri, of } using a Macintosh? Know you then, O scumsucking dweller of the ocean } bottom, who most of the time would receive a for your } presumptuous accusations but I am in a good mood today, as is obvious, } that the Oracle never uses any computer with less power than a Cray. } My personal machine, which has a REAL Ethernet (how did you think I } got all those cool connections to heaven.com and hell.edu anyway? } From AT&T? Not), makes all of your pathetic mortal machines pale in } comparison by its majestic and immense capability. To claim that the } Oracle uses machines as tiny and ludicrous as Macintoshes, and, yes, } don't be arrogant now M'bucko, PC's, is insolence of the highest } order! } } Well, OK, so I do a little development on 'em. But that's where the } money is, right? --- 445-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O magnificant Oracle, whose attributes I am not brave enough to think > of, please answer this very humble question (sorry, if it has been > asked before but I really need to know the answer) : > > Does size count? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Size counts. } Length counts. } Weight counts. } Stamina counts. } Circumference counts. } Frequency counts. } Velocity counts. } Hydrostatic pressure counts. } Coefficient of elasticity counts. } Volatility at room temperature counts. } Chemical purity counts. } Number of worms per cubic metre counts. } Differentiability counts. } Ability to disintegrate toaster ovens counts a *lot*. } } Got it? } } You owe the Oracle a new toaster oven. --- 445-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will Robert E. Lee ever pee on mee? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only if you crawl up to him without his noticing you shoot a gun into } the air and scream "APPAMATOX!!!" at the top of your lungs. Great men } do not forego control of their bladders easily. } } You owe the Oracle a urine sample. --- 445-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What! No grovel. Methinks I should make YOUR knees bend the other way } thoust proud-beaked supplicant!!! But thou has warmed my proud and } noble heart, for anthropoligcal aspects gravity assisted leisure } devices with emphasis on ergonomic function is a hobby of mine. } } First, the common chair: } } | } | } L----- } | | } | | } } Now, to accomodate those ostrich knees of yours: } } | } | } L----- } | } | } } which of course would result in the 'sitee' falling face foward into } his/her/its sushi -- an unforgivable fau-paux remedied so } } | } | O____ <---a sturdy chest cushion } | O |______ anchored to the table } L----- } | } | } } But of course, such constant pressure on the chest would inhibit } repiratory function, so necessary among you mortals, so: } } /---| O2 | <-- an oxygen tank and } mask, | > you twit! } | O____ } | O |______ } L----- } | } } Such a setup may ultimately interfere with your eating and mastication } (look it up), therfore: } _ } | | <---I.V. bottle and tube } |_| } | } \ /---| O2 | } \ | > } | O____ } | O |______ } L----- } | } } The I.V., being fed into your circulatory system, would certainly } benefit from increased circulation. To prevent that nasty ole pinching } effect on the seat pan (no, not the guy with the pipes) on the legs: } } _ } | | <---I.V. bottle and tube } |_| } | } \ /---| O2 | } \ | > } | O____ } | O |______ } | } | } } and there you have it. what chairs would look like if the knees went } southward. --- 445-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle who is all knowing and mostly seeing, > who tells seeing eye-dogs where to go, > O Oracle who is a mail-server and not subservient, > who tells supplicants where to go, > > please tell me why I am cursed with Modula-2. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear unfurtunate - } } You are indeed unlucky, being burdened with Modula-2. Modula-3 is much } better, and LISP is the best. You are probably struggling with it } because you are in one of the ancient centres of learning such as } Cambridge, or Yale, and are studying computer science, or perhaps } you've just been unlucky, but take cheer from the fact that you can } always just a) pack it in and go and work on an assembly line instead, } or b) close your eyes and wait for it to go away. } } There, not only have I given you reasons why you are stuck with } modula-2, I've also given you several suggestions on how to get rid of } it. } } You owe the Oracle (incarnated as Ruin) a doubly-recursive procedure --- 445-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi there Oracle. I'm Dwickle. Dwickle Yongoberries. From the LUP. > I know I'm stupid and smelly and heterosexual and have a really stupid > name, but I'm here to ask you three questions for the price of one. > No, it's OK: you gave me this coupon the last time I talked to you, > saying "ask three questions for the price of one." Anyways, here they > are. > > 1. What are all these dots on my forehead and pecker and cat and > walls? > > 2. Is it true that The Freeway Action Network has been taken over by > Satan? If so, how come Jim Bakker has been so interested in > freeways of late? > > 3. Can I get a supreme court justice to make wonderful radiant > orgasmic love to me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answers to thy questions, oh odorous one, follow: } } 1. Next time, put the lid on the blender. } } 2. Hitchhiking prostitutes make wonderful secretaries. } } 3. It depends on the courts' interpretation of "orgasmic." } } You owe the oracle one strawberry-flavored condom and a signed } photograph of Jessica Hahn. --- 445-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, I have but two questions that friends of mine would like > to have answered. > > 1) PW wants to know why men have nipples. > > 2) EH wants to know if bliss is ignorance. > > Could you possibly answer these questions for me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, it is so... nice... to see that another pathetic substandard cretin } has evolved without learning to grovel. I've got better things to } spend my 's on than helping you strain the riff-raff out of your } genetic cesspool, though. And such impertinence can only lead to } anarchy, police brutality and ultimate species extinction. You'll } suffer more, that way, too ... } } You even asked TWO questions... as if you think you're even high enough } on the food chain for ONE answer... } } In reverse order, Bliss is not Ignorance. Ignorance was played by } none other than Marlene Dietrich, rest her soul. Bliss played a bit } part, and didn't get a speaking role until Truffaut's 'Tirez sur la } Pianiste,' From there, her career faded, until she today has retired } and manages a tiny brothel-and-steak-shop in Wallace, Idaho. } } Men's nipples are vestigal remnants of an earlier model. Like edlin, } they are a throwback to prehistory days when men were } hermaphroditically equipped. Then GM boldly introduced a split-entity } modification that doubled labor potential LITERALLY without additional } overhead. } } These auxillary units, named phi-males (after the greek letter that is } often mathematically used to stand for emptiness) served an admirable } purpose through those years. Ah, yes, droves of mindless phi-males } filled those sweet, halcyon years of... } } ... } } ...droves of mindless phi-males filled those sad, } empty years before self-aware auxillary units were FINALLY released. } The hardware design was lavish and complete, with few hardware } interfacing complaints. } } Now, if they could only perfect the communication software... } } You owe the Oracle a scorch-proof terminal casing (titanium, please) } and a foot-pedal screen-blank accessory. --- 445-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are there so many buttons on Rotarians? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because they have so many functions, of course! } } The following short list of buttons and their effects is from } "The Rotarian Owner's Manual", 1992 edition. Note that these } buttons are touch-sensitive. } } NOSTALGIA } } Pushing this button will start your Rotarian reminiscing about "the } good old days". He (Rotarians are always "he") will go on at great } length about how wonderful things were before the rise of (pick one): } } permissiveness } free love } lack of respect for God and country } Democrats and/or Liberals and/or Labour (depending on country) } newfangled schools that don't concentrate on the "three R's" } } **Warning**: Be sure that your Rotarian has not consumed excessive } quantities of alcoholic beverages, or he will begin to cry at this } point. } } RIGHTEOUSNESS } } Pushing this button unleashes a torrent of moral indignation and } righteous anger. Use at your own risk. } } RECREATION } } Pushing this button will cause your Rotarian to direct you to the } nearest bowling alley, shopping mall, fast food outlet, or movie } theatre. } } PARENTAL GUIDANCE } } When this button is pushed, your Rotarian will whip out a wooden stick } and start hitting everyone that he can see who is under the age of } majority, all the while shouting, "Spare the rod and spoil the child!" } } CIVIC DUTY } } When you push this button, your Rotarian will immediately head to the } nearest voting booth and exercise his democratic function. Then, he } will go home and, depending on season, will cut his lawn, rake his } leaves, or shovel his snow. } } PROFANITY } } When you push this button, your Rotarian will say one of the following: } } "Heck!" } "Gosh darnit!" } "Aw, fudge!" } "Tarnation!" } "Gee willickers!" } } It's sad, really. } } WILD BACCHANALIAN REVELRY } } Hey! All work and no play makes your Rotarian a dull boy! Pushing } this button will send your Rotarian into a frenzy of hedonistic } pleasure-seeking. He will immediately track down the nearest } middle-aged woman, invite her home for a no-holds-barred game of } Scrabble while tossing back the hot chocolate, and then, all } inhibitions shattered, will give her a quick peck on the cheek. Hubba } hubba! } } With the proper care and maintenance (a good night's sleep every night, } and a healthy diet of meat and potatoes), your Rotarian will give you } many years of useful service. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of an episode of "Father Knows Best", an 8x10 } glossy of Dwight David Eisenhower, and a pair of rose-coloured glasses. } } (Fascinating Rotarian Fact: when Pat Boone sings "Ain't That A Shame", } he introduces it as "Isn't That A Shame", because he objects to the bad } grammar in the original title. It's true! It's true!)