From oracle-request Tue Apr 7 08:04:54 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 7 Apr 92 08:04:54 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #432 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 432 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #432 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Tue, 7 Apr 92 08:04:54 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 432 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 432-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What can I do to save the planet? I recycle, I buy recycled products, > (even recycled toilet paper), I recharge batteries and I even have > bought a pen that only needs cartrige change, not total pen repair. > > What *ELSE* is there? > > Dave And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TEN THINGS YOU CAN DO TO SAVE THE EARTH } } ELECTRICITY CONSERVATION } } 1. Watch TV with the picture turned off. } } 2. Hook up your exercise-bike to the grid. } } 3. Change half the lightbulbs in your house to darkbulbs. } } SPECIES DIVERSITY } } 4. Breed new varieties of creatures living in your eyelashes. } } 5. Spread your digestive system's flora. } } RESOURCES MANAGEMENT } } 6. Use double-sided floppy disks. } } 7. (For students) Recycle old essays, papers, and so forth. } } FOOD MANAGEMENT } } 8. Cannibalism. } } POPULATION CONTROL } } 9. Have a vasectomy. You never know. } } 10. Submit to fatal Oracular ZOTting owing to insufficient } obseqiousness. } } } } That concludes this answer. Have a nice day. --- 432-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, > > I have decided to be torn to bits by a raving mob of wild beasts. > What kind of beasts are best? What kind of wine should I serve with > myself? > > Thanks ever so much, > Miss Murders. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There is no best beast, though there are some worst choices available, } such as butterflies and sea cucumbers. Koalas are out of the question. } } This being an election year, there are plenty of jackals available, } but they are rather sloppy and tend to damage the tablecloth. Tigers } are very neat, but they are rare and not very sociable, and it is hard } to get one to commit to being there without at least two months notice. } } If it is very tiny bits that you want to be torn into, I recommend the } New Zealand alpine parrot, or Kea. (The Oracle once had a rental car } stripped by a mob of these versitile birds.) If you prefer larger } bits, bears and/or wolves might be more your speed. } } It depends on what you like. } } As to the wine: since you are a mortal human, thus red meat, a dry } red wine with a slightly fruity bouquet should go well. A good } burgundy goes well with this kind of repast as well. Don't spend more } than $10.00 per bottle, though. Wild beasts don't have very refined } palettes, and just won't appreciate the difference. } } You owe the Oracle the wishbone. --- 432-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Christopher Pettus" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, nice place ya got Oracle! > > My name's Vinnie and dis is my buddy Guido. We're insurance salesmen. > You know, in case anything should happen to dat nice workstation > you got dere. Sure be a shame if it got a virus or something. For > just one thousand dollas a month, we'll make sure nothin happens to it > or to your nice girlfriend. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [CLICK] } Dong, ding, dong... [Insert snazzy overdone graphics here] } } [Voice over] "From the NBC tower in downtown Chicago, It's the } channel 6 News, with Carol Gonzales and Ron Jacobson, } THE Ten O'clock news." } } "Good evening, I'm Carol Gonzales. In our top story, alleged } organized crime kingpin Bruno "No Nose" DiCarlo has broken into Cook } County Jail and locked himself into a cell in the maximum security } wing. Walter Curtis is at District 18 police headquarters, which is } unfortunate since nothing of importance is occurring there. Instead, } we have the following statement from the District Attorney, recorded } earlier:" } } [Roll tape] } "Mr. DeCarlo has decided to turn himself in. From information he has } provided, we have located Cocaine and Heroin with an estimated street } value of $960 million dollars, approximately 10,000 automatic } weapons, a multistage nuclear device, and a vault containing film and } tape of criminal operations going back more than 20 years. When I } mentioned that this evidence will put him and every member of his } organization in prison until the late 23rd century, he replied 'Some } things are worse than a natural life sentence.'" } [End tape] } } "In a related story, the charred remains of DiCarlo's enforcers, } Vinnie "The Hangnail" Esposito and Guido "Little Elvis" Tercotti, } were discovered at Navy Pier. Roberta Marin is at the scene:" } } "Carol, I have with me Whitley Streiber, noted para-believable } researcher and author. Mr. Streiber, what did you see? } } "Well, I was setting up my telescope at the end of the pier when four } figures appeared a short distance away. I couldn't make out most of } the conversation, but one of them said "I've gotcha capo di tutti } capi right here", there was a huge flash of light, and I blacked out. } When I awoke all I could find were burnt bits and gold fillings." } } "This is Roberta Marin, reporting from Navy Pier. Back to you Carol." } } "Police have released a composite sketch of the two suspects based on } Mr. Streiber's account [inset sketch of two silver suited figures } with bulbous heads and large black eyes. One of them is built like a } brick spaceport]. Persons with information concerning [looks at } monitor]... Er, never mind. The weather and sports are next." } [CLICK] } } Note to Querent and reviewer (cut this): I apologize for the heavy dose } of Chicago content, but this incarnation happens to live there, and } the content fits most people's mistaken opinions of my city. Reporter's } names were scrambled as a cheap inside joke. --- 432-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle: > > It has come to our attention, that our client (heretofore referred to > as "Claimant") has come to some severe harm as a result of advice he > has followed, which was apparently given him by you (heretofore > referred to as "Diety.") > > In an effort to win the attentions of the object of his affection, > Client (grovelling quite nicely, according to our files), asked the > advice of the aforementioned Diety, and received a response on February > 10, 1992. On February 14th 1992, Claimant purchased two cases of > Wisconsin Cheddar Spray Cheez, and 50 lbs. of chipped ice at his local > 7-11, per Diety's instructions. According to Claimant, the overweight > German businessmen were more difficult to obtain, and were not merely > unruly at first, but did in fact, become violent, causing Claimant > several lacerations and hematoma. > > The pyrotechnic display suggested by Diety was, according to our > records, neither legal in Claimant's state, nor given with the > appropriate safety instructions. Evidently, the ice was not sufficient > to keep the cans of Spray Cheez from exploding, causing damage to the > Claimant's automobile in addition to several deep shrapnel wounds and > minor ozone depletion locally. > > Claimant is currently in stable condition at Our Lady Of Mercy > Hospital, and expects to be returning home in several months, dependent > upon psychiatric evaluations and adjustment. > > Please be advised that a summons to appear in court will be delivered > within the month, as Claimant has advised us to sue for full financial > remuneration for all damages, in addition to a sizeable sum for pain > and suffering, and compensation for all legal fees in this matter. > > Thank you, > > Hyman Zizivitz > > Zizivitz, Plochman, Levin, and Bloch; Attorneys at Law. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mr. Zizivitz: } } In reference to your threatened suit against my client, (heretofore } referred to as "the Glorious Omnipotence") by your client, (heretofore } referred to, if at all, as "the sniveling worm") I am authorized to } inform you that any attempt by the sniveling worm to hold the Glorious } Omnipotence responsible for any injuries incurred while acting upon the } Glorious Omnipotence's advice will be met with swift and perfunctory } extermination. } } Simply put, your client has no case. If I may quote from the Virtual } Realities Responsibilities Act of 1992 (H.R. bill #239840, Sen. bill } #2303928407): } } "No artificial entity or other electromolecular construct } confined within computer hardware may be held accountable for } injuries or loss resulting from said entities advice, } commentary, or instruction. (This also applies to the Usenet } Oracle 'cause I think he's really neato -- DanQ)" } } In any case, you may rest assured that if this harrassment continues, } my client will almost certainly feel compelled to create "Snivelling } Worm Flambe a la Oracle". } } Up yours, } } Demosthenes Harcourt } } Harcourt, Fenton, and Mudd; Attorneys at Law --- 432-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle grand and imperturbable, upon whose physiognomy > I am not worthy to gaze, please give me an answer to > this insignificant mortal question: > > My bunny slippers are multiplying! I _used_ to have a > left-bunny-slipper, and a right-bunny-slipper, but now > I have a full-grown pair of bunny slippers, and about > fifteen little-itty-bitty bunny-slippers. What's going on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You, my mortal friend have presented a very interesting question. One } that has an answer I am willing to believe you will have a hard time } accepting at first. Then again, it is not my job to make you believe, } but only to tell you the way that it is. You live at the *exact* } center of the universe. This means that your humble abode and } everything in it are susceptible to various forces of nature with which } you may not be totally familiar. One thing that happens is that every } time Johnny Carson tells a funny joke everthing in a million mile } radius vaporizes. Fortunately, we are still here today. But I } digress. The relevant force is known among scholars as the weak } procreative force. What happens is that whenever matter is destroyed } in a black hole somewhere else in the cosmos, it must be re-created } somewhere else so that pysicists aren't wrong. This creates a barely } discernable ripple in the space-time continuum, and your slippers, } momentarily, become real-life bunny rabbits and do real-life bunny } rabbit things. Over the span of time your slippers actually lead full } lives as a member of their animate species, thus reproducing in order } to perpetuate themselves. Evenutally your bunny rabbits are going to } die because of this ripple. You will know this because all of the } stuffing will fall out and their ears will droop. Please give them the } proper burial at that time. } The Oracle --- 432-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the side effects and other consequences of spreading > mayonnaise -- and not the gross tinned stuff either: homemade > mayonnaise -- on a Satan worshipper like Charles Darwin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Lisa, go get me a Satan worshiper, preferably that man's-from-monkeys } Darwin heathen-mortal-critter-thing. I need to whip up some of mama's } mayo." } } The Oracle slips into an apron. } } "Let's see, urban pigeon eggs, virgin press Sicilian olive oil cut with } clear wine vinegar, dash of an aged lime and the hint of } nutmeg...Presto!" } } "Lisa, got the worshiper?" } } "All I could find was the Devil himself." } } "Great, Lisa. Now there'll be hell to pay. Well, I guess at this point it'll have to be close } enough." } } The Oracle spreads an 'X' across the chest of the Devil with a spatula } full of mayo. } } The Devil is confused! } } He is also clearly indignant. } } Further undaunted, the Oracle blobs a spatula full on each shoulder. } Then, still holding the spatula in His hand, says, "You are free to } flee." } } Now the Devil is totally confused. He considers many scenarios but } makes the smart move. He scoops a taste of the Oracle's mayonnaise to } his mouth, reconsiders in awe, and flees with his pointy red tail } between his legs. } } There it is. --- 432-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me why it's not over until the fat lady sings? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is blasphemy! A mortal, and a FAT one at that, thinks SHE can } determine when It is over? Lemme see... } } Olympus% rlogin big.book } } Last login: Thu Apr 1 276 B.C. from olympus } *heh... that was when I pulled that big } "resurrect-all-the-Neanderthals" April } Fools' joke... Hades was sure mad about that...* } } Ultrix-32 V3.0 (Rev 1E12) System #1 } } *Gawd... slow hardware...* } } % finger fat_lady } } *ORRIE!* } } "No, Lisa, it's just this damn system Hades has set up..." } } *pout* } } Login name: fat_lady In real life: BARR ROSEANNE } Directory: /usr/cellulite/fat_lady Shell: /bin/csh } Plan: Eat and cause the End by singing. } } *hmm... maybe I ought to put her where she belongs...* } } % cd /usr/cellulite/fat_lady } % rm -fr * } } That's the last time SHE'LL make fun of the anthem! } } You owe the Oracle a can of Slim-Fast and an extra-wide coffin. --- 432-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhh, finally a supplicant who has mastered the art of writing a brief } and concise question. You can't possibly know how annoying it is to } wade through reams of mindless drivel waiting for some poor sod to } get hir petty insignificant point. But you, you show some promise. } Anyway, in answer to your query, there are a few points to be made: } } 1. Polka is NOT mood music. } 2. Avoid references to Cleveland. } 3. Stay away from public fountains (the decorative kind); dogs like } to pee in them. } 4. Jello wrestling might be fun, but I recommend whipped cream } and handcuffs. } 5. Be aware of the distinction between KY jelly and WD-40. } 6. Whatever you do, make sure the blender ISN'T plugged in. } } Have fun. } } You owe the Oracle a pocket OED. --- 432-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh master oracle, wisest of all. What will become of Tammy > and me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You will be married. You will begin giving advice to your friends. } You will find that your advice is good. You shall find God(tm). You } shall begin a local ministry. Your parish shall thrive. You will } reach out to more people than ever via TV. You shall gain weight. } Tammy shall gain weight. Tammy will become violently ugly and try to } mask her face with make-up. Your tele-ministry shall thrive. You will } make lots of money off of people that mail you money to support your } ministry. You will be corrupted. You will like it very much. You } will be exposed as a felon. You will go to jail. Tammy will divorce } you and take with her every last cent she can find. You will emerge } from jail, and lead a humble rest-of-your-life (the only thing keeping } you off of skid row is that some people will always send you money). } You will die a beggar. Tammy will come to your funeral and afterwards } urinate on your grave. You will go to Hell. You will suffer eternal } damnation. You will have the image of Tammy ingrained in your mind for } all of time. } } Let me give you some advice, go straight to your door. Leave. Go } *very* far away. Do not look back. Tammy is a she-devil. } } You owe the Oracle the single of ``50 ways to leave your lover.'' --- 432-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is the wielder of power and might ? > Whose infinity goes out of sight ? > Who else could it be as noble and wise > as my favourite oracle and please don't think twice > as one only thought of your mindboggling big brain > is to mortals a relief from suffer and pain > So please do give an answer to my unworthy question > Who is Lisa, or what or...ehmm..where has this rhyme gone ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa. Yes. Everyone wants to know about the woman with the } wholesome name and the wanton wiles, the net.sex.goddess who has } become more legendary than the Oracle him/her self. } } The Oracle gets 70% more mail addressed to "Lisa," which is odd, } since Lisa doesn't actually LIVE with the Oracle. You see, Lisa } is a real person. She dated one of the early Oracular priests, } answered a few questions, and lo and behold, became the stuff of } legend. } } They said she had a sexual appetite that was insatiable. . . } They said she kept the Oracle perversely satisfied in all of his } nether regions. . . } They said she giggled and acted like "Jeannie" on that famous } pseudo-bondage television show. . . } } "Lisa," however (the net.sex.goddess, not the real woman), is a } collective figment of a lot of oversexed, undersatisfied computer } geeks who sit in their dorm rooms, pick their noses and } accumulate sex fantasies. The REAL Lisa wouldn't date them on a } bet. } } The REAL Lisa had taste, standards, and never, ever giggled. } } The REAL Lisa demanded satisfaction before she gave it. } } The REAL Lisa. .. hey. . . whaddya know? It looks as though a } new Lisa legend is already beginning. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation for why you like Penthouse.