From oracle-request Wed Apr 1 15:03:44 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 1 Apr 92 15:03:44 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #430 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 430 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #430 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Wed, 1 Apr 92 15:03:44 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 430 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 430-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What major sexual improprieties have I committed in the last five years > and forgotten about? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ooooh, this is a good one. I've been waiting for you to ask me this } for a *long* time... *snicker* } } Do you remember that girl named Manda back in '88, the one who gave you } her business card and a piece of sheet metal? Well, after you two had } the Kahlua-and-Everclear party, you woke up tied spread-eagle to an old } Buick, with an empty Cool-Whip[tm] jar around your ...*ahem*... and a } slight rash. Remember that?! } } Or how about Charlene in '90? She told you that she was } post-menopausal, but you forgot to consider that she was someone's } great-grandmother... } } Then there's Oldja, when you took that trip to Sweden last summer. You } didn't know they could do that with those little wooden shoes, did } you?! } } Oh, how could I forget Samantha?!? I'll bet you've always wondered why } you've had an intense fear of Belgian waffles since then... Did you } ever find your toothbrush after that one? } } And I would be leaving out too much if I left out the tale about Monica } and Jenny... boy, I've never been able to keep a straight face around a } cookie cutter since then... classic, Lisa and I live in your debt for } that one... } } You really *do* need to start paying attention to these things... } } You owe the Oracle Manda's business card and a cookie cutter. --- 430-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > howzabout dese new priests. kinda hyper, ain't dey? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } sheeesh. lemme tell ya. } } ya know, i jus' ain't bin feelin' da same since father o'reilly kicked. } } you an' me both. lemme tell ya. } } i can't go ta confession an' bare my soul wit out dese new priests } givin' me a lecture 'bout how killin's bad an' how i should go staight. } } i git da same treatment. exactly. lemme tell ya. } } i wants ya ta do me a favor. } } yeah, boss. whatever you say. } } go down an' pay a little visit to the new priests. tell 'em how we } want things run aroun' here. tell 'em dis is their las' warnin'. i } ain't grovelin' no mo'. } } yeah, boss. right away. we'll show dem who's boss. } } heh heh heh, Heh Heh Heh, HEH HEH HEH. } } In payment, you must name the Oracle Godfather to your first born. --- 430-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm seeking enlightenment. What software should I buy to help me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zenmaster 2.0 --- 430-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are pocket protectors good for? Do they protect people > from pockets or vice versa? Do they really work? Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The pocket protector is a decorative feather plucked from the } tail of the Nerdious Nefarious Nemu, a large flightless bird } from northern Australia. The odd shaped feather is placed in the } pocket as a way of signaling that the wearer is a Nerd, a particular } subspecies of human that seems to have no desire to reproduce. } Unfortunatly, as a result of this fad, the Nemu is in dager of } extinction. It is time to stop using pocket protectors, as this } contributes to the decline of an endangered species. } } You owe the Oracle a small grovel. --- 430-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many light bulbs does it take to change a New Yorker? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now, if you had asked, how many *heavy* bulbs it takes to change a New } Yorker... But light bulbs? } O. k. - being the omniscient Oracle that I am I of course know, that } you are referring to those primitive devices for lighting rooms, refri- } gerators, cars, film scenes and computer terminals that were in use at } the end of the 20th century. } Actually, New York was the place with the most light bulbs on earth. } Now, how many light bulbs would it take to change a New Yorker? } That question is not quite clear, as you put it - change him into } what? } Now being the omniscient Oracle that I am, I of course know that you're } very hungry at the moment. And from that I deduce... } } iuvax::oracle> retr db -t=(light bulbs, heat emission) } (1 item found) } iuvax::oracle> sh db/res } The Heat emission of light bulbs: } One light bulb emits approximately 70% to 80% of its power as } heat. For a 60W light bulb that would amount to about 45W of } heat emission. } } You need about 100 light bulbs of 60W to change a New Yorker into a } tasty and spicy T-Bone steak. } } You owe the Oracle a reason for the amount of the electricity } consumption in New York. --- 430-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All right, all right. Fess up. Who stole my paper cutter? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Julia Child and Mr. Alice Rhino and Judas and Enrico Fermi and the } Scarecrow and Mrs. Flesh Eating's concubine and Truman Capote and } Ringo Starr and Miss Qabalist and Alfred Nobel and Janis Joplin's } gigolo and St. Peter and Reagan and James Bond and Alaric the Visigoth } and Peter the Great and Lord Kelvin and Richard M. Stallman and Mr. } Temperate and John Cabot and Mr. Goldfish Bush and Benito Mussolini } and Batman and Demosthenes and Lucretius and Kunta Kinte and Mister } Chimera and Rectory Hummus and Waclaw Havel and Ada Lovelace and } Chairman Deng and Burt Reynolds and Mister Shrimpy Being and Karl Marx } and Professor Gerbil Bush-Burdesh and Walter Cronkite and Miss } Strange-Smell Gerbil's mother and Mister Reluctant Nerd and Gilda } Radnor's sweetheart and Wilhelm Reich and Wilhelm Reich and Oate and } Lucretius and Peter the Great's paramour and Teddy Roosevelt and Susan } B. Anthony and Justice Thonnyt-Wheats Bawmil and Gerald Ford and } Nelson Mandela and Descartes and Saddam Hussein and God and Dan } Quayle and Ms. Telephone Bush-Hay-Tofu and Heidegger and Remus and } Coleridge and Hitler's mistress and Gollum and John Lennon and } Kipling and Mr. Praying-Mantis Park and Mother Theresa and Sir } Theclip-Mary-Free-Thal Otter and Ayn Pistachio-Ice-Cream-Nicolae } and Ms. Cheater and Mrs. Pleasing Woman and Mr. Boob-Wim } Mashed-Potatoes and .... me! --- 430-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi, Oracle! I was just wondering what the best way for three guys to > have sex with a girl is -- and where I could get the three guys? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O: "Lisa darling, would You come here for a minute?" } } L: "Mmm.. yess, Orrie.." } } O: "Please stop that! For now, at least.. You seem to have } misunderstood `coming' - I wanted you to see this question! It seems to } be for You." } } L: "Oh.. But I haven't done that either; don't you remember what } happens to any mortal man I encounter?" } } O: "But we're supposed to be omnipotent! To have potency for everything } and everyone! We cannot let this supplicant down!" } } L: "Why don't you ask Zeus; he's got quite a reputation for dallying } with humans - the affair with Europa and all that.. I think he's done } it `both ways' too, at least with Ganymed.." } } O: "Good ol' Zeke! Let's.." } } --- forward message to Zeus@Mt.Olympus.Greece --- } } Z: "Hi, Orrie! Sure I'll help you out, old pal. Supplicant, the answer } is.." } } --- external unmaskable interrupt from Hera@Mt.Olympus.Greece --- } } H: "A-ha! Up to our old tricks again, aren't we? Not this time, I'll } tell you!" } } Z: "But dearest, this was purely hypothetical.." } } H: "Hypothetical my ass! Hypo-ethical I'd call it. And don't you } `dearest' me, you philanderer! Help this mortal woman and I'll start a } love strike that Aristophanes would have been proud of!" } } Z: "Begone, you serpent-tongued wench! I am the Supreme God and will } not be bossed around by you or any other woman! Why, if you'll forbid } Me from your bed, I'll go see Lisa instead!" } } L: "Oh Zeke, this came so soon.. I hope You won't, though.." } } O: "Hey Zeke! That ain't nice, hitting off with your best buddy's lady } love! Take that , you Brute!" } } Z: "Ouch! Wanna fight? Take this lightbolt , you false prophet!" } } H: "Lisa, you tart! Breaking up my marriage - never! I'll sure fight } for my man, you over made-up fishnet stocking mannequin!" } } --- We interrupt this domestic quarrel for important news --- } } [Oracular Press, Inc. / Mt.Olympus, Greece] A violent thunderstorm and } volcanic eruption, coupled with severe earthquakes drove several } hundred thousand Greeks from their homes. The mountain lays quiet now, } but Geand Theologists describe the mood as `ominous'.. } } So there you have it. No conclusive answer, but an earth-moving } experience nevertheless.. } } You owe the Oracle the resulting marriage-counciling fees. --- 430-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo, Oracle: > > Why are you so uptight? Do you need a vacation or what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } whaddayamean uptight! I am as calm as a bear! I am completely at } EASE AND ONENESS WITH THE WHOLE FUCKING UNIVERSE, understand, you } brain-dead haploid frog-killer!!!!!!! } } I hate it when little slimy crystal-wearing triumphant New Age space } cases come and try to ask me about my fucking psychological state. } IT IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS you little "wonderful caring } sensitive human being"! If I were you I'd } } go destroy myself with a electron microscope! } } You owe the oracle a long, long, LONG vacation. --- 430-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Magnificent Oracle, whose power sustain all Universe, > the B.I.G. B.O.S.S. (Big Intelligence Grovelled By Our Silly Specie), > the great *ZOT*ter, REALLY *COOL* GUY, > programmer of the Universe, creator of all Physics, > The One that Plays the Dices, Gamemaster of Galaxies, > please answer my humble question: > > When will you release the next version? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Oracle entering Righteous Indignation Mode] } } Art thou, oh vile miscreant, implying, perhaps, that there needs to BE } a 'next version'? Am I not perfect in every way? Do I not drop core } only when necessary to teach some uppity hacker a lesson in humility? } Can I not calculate to the last digit the value of pi? Am I not great } in bed? } } (Oh, yes, Orrie...you ARE...when are you coming BACK to bed, Orrie?) } } } } (Ok, but hurry...the whipped cream's getting warm and the massage oil's } getting cold...) } } Ahem...where was I....OH, yes... } } Do I not make great coffee? Do I not know the Ultimate Answer to Life, } the Universe, and Everything? } } You seem to have a misunderstanding of the fundamental nature of Space } and Time. You see, they HAD to get it right the first time when the } wrote me...otherwise, the Universe itself would simply stop -- stop -- } stop } } SEGMENTATION FAULT: memory arena corrupted } PANIC: Memory Fault } Universal Reboot in progress... } 5 } 4 } 3 } 2 } 1 } UniverseOS version 1.0 (Space-and-time) } Checking disks: } /dev/sd0a: Ok } /dev/sd0b: Ok } /dev/sd0c: Ok } /dev/sd0d: Ok } ... } /dev/sd0z: Ok } ... } /dev/sd49257235723725823904332352345z: Ok } Starting daemons... } printer sendmail gravity energy matter conservation chaos oracle. } } [Oracle resuming from where it left off...] } } ...simply stop and have to reboot. Have you ever tried rebooting a } universe? Do you have any idea how long it TAKES to reboot a universe?! } } So, you see, no new version is necessary...besides, have you ever tried } DEBUGGING an omnicient, omnipresent being? It's the kind of thing you } really only ever want to do once, believe me. } } You owe the Oracle a colder can of whipped cream. --- 430-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I woke up this morning and found that my name had been changed from > "Bill Gardner" to "Prince Vicpuh Joccirr Nidccyw Techno-Tech-For > Morkoqusha Bush". This is utterly gross and cannot be allowed to > continue. What can I do about it, though? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I've researched this rather carefully, so I hope I can explain it in } easily-understandable terms. } } This is your family tree: } illegitimate liason\ } King Morkoqusha = Queen Balla-Nidccyw ------------> (= Morkoqusha) } (b. 1799, | b. 1801 | } m. 1829 | ---= Morkoqusha, Jr. } /-------+---------\ | (b. 1832) } Techno-Tech Vicpuh = Joccirr --+ moves to America, } (b. 1831) (b. 1833 | (b. 1836) with Joccirr, 1871 } no issue m. 1864) | changes name to } /--------+-------+-----\ Gardner } Snorbles Cheese-O Prince Vicpuh II | } (both died infants) (b. 1868) | } remains in custody | } of Vicpuh | } } anyway, a long line of Gardners and Vicpuhs, but } unfortunately the last Vicpuh died two nights ago, without issue. You } have been located as the last remaining survivor of the royal family, } and despite your less than holy origins (remember, Morkoqusha, Jr., was } not only an illegitimate son but that his parents were also } half-siblings!) Anyway, instead of finding this "utterly gross," you } should find it an honor and a privilege. Your name has been changed to } reflect your new position. } } Enjoy your rank and station, on the small island nation of Vicpuhnasa. } Perhaps, however, as Prince, you can change its name to Garden Isle, } and you can be the "Jim Gardner" (Jim = "Chief" in Vicpuhlese). They } don't like their royalty doing manual labor, however. } } You owe the oracle some crown jewels and a family herald.