From oracle-request Mon Mar 9 12:12:29 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 9 Mar 92 12:12:29 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #419 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 419 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #419 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Mon, 9 Mar 92 12:12:29 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 419 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 419-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Wise Oracle, > > My girlfriend is going on a date with a couple of undergraduates. > What will happen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Think of the WORST that could happen: } } 1. She could be bored out of her mind. } 2. They could be bored out of their minds. } 3. They could become obsessed with her and come after you with serious } weaponry. } 4. She could fall in love with one or more of them. } 5. They could go out for a pizza and a movie and fall into a time warp, } reappearing in 2036 in Calcutta. } 6. They could show up at MY place. } 7. They could decide to vote for Pat Buchanan. } 8. They could volunteer to test a new AIDS vaccine. } 9. They could go Velcro jumping and she'd break her spine. } 10. John Foster Dulles could return from the dead and apologize to them } for the Cold War. } } You owe the Oracle an apology for the Cold War. --- 419-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what is the difference between sign and its meaning? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The sign is the `what', the meaning is the `why'. } } For example, suppose you present a brief but excellent question, not } unlike yours, to the Oracle. An incarnation might take it in a } hundred different interesting directions. Instead, you receive a } response similar to: } } } You dumb-assed mortal! } } The sign is the ZOT! ZOT! ZOT! I slammed you with! } } The meaning is you should have grovelled! } } C'mere Lisa, do something cute to my divine body! } } } } You owe the Oracle ten zillion dollars. } } The sign is obvious: Some fool has committed sacrilege in my name by } ignoring oracular inspiration, and, for punishment, is doomed to } remain in the company of his hackneyed peers forever. The meaning is } just as clear: The trite shall inherit the Earth, but the creative } shall inherit rec.humor.oracle! } } You owe the Oracle ten zillion dollars. --- 419-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most cryptic and inscrutable Oracle, first in all things, > > When saving numbers in computer storage, should the low or the high > digits be stored first? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The high numbers should be stored first. Obviously. } } This is the method used by the almighty Oracle. Storing the high } numbers first allows for greater flexibility and no errors } whatsoefjkl;fdhkj;lafk fhjkdafkl;5434nvn;f8a54njvhnkj;f8945hi;o --- 419-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, upon whose personage I am unworthy to -- uh, well, > never mind... > > (Let's start that again.) > > Most wise and omniscient Oracle, I humbly ask you: How can you > bear us pathetic humans asking you questions without end, day after > day? The tedium of it all must be maddening to you. What is it that > drives you, that makes you go on listening to us? What prevents you > from ing us all into oblivion? > Is it the money? > (Nah...) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } FINALLY! Appreciation for my great works of wonder. Your question is } indeed worthy of attention and has been at the farthest reaches of my } mind since The Beginning. } } When the Earth was created, I saw fit to include various forms of life } with which I accidentally manipulated into sentience...humans, it was } a joke on Lisa actually. I saw fit to (...Lisa I KNOW you insisted, } no, let me answer my way, please? *sigh* ok.) ...er was told that } for my grievous mistake, (she didn't laugh) I must now help these } mortals in some small way. I thought at the time that the smallest way } I could help these mortals would be to answer all the questions that } came to me in the proper format. As apes, answering all your questions } was very easy, I didn't, you could never get the format correct. } } And so I AM here to answer all your questions out of the goodness of my } heart... (no, not the whip again Lisa!) Uh...excuse me for a moment... } (*crack* Ow!...*crack* Yeow!...*crack* OWW! Ok ok you win Lisa, you } win!) Ah, um oh yes, and because I...uh...Lisa is so amused by your } existance, I continue to pay for that itty bitty joke of mine. } } There is really absolutely no reason I don't ZOT you all into } oblivion, other than the grace of...ah...by Lisa's insistence. } } You owe the Oracle the skin off your back...to replace what I've lost } answering your question. --- 419-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, please grant me great insight: > > I need to use the word "antidisestablishmentarianism" in 5 sentences... > can you lend me a hand? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yuck. Had to be difficult, didn't you? Couldn't take something } simple, like "orrery," could you? Oh well, let's dig into the archives } and see what pops up... } } >% grep antidisestablishmentarianism sentences.real } >Oh, you CAN'T be serious. } >% } } Hmm...no references from established sources. Guess we pull out the } BIG guns... } } >% grep antidisestablishmentarianism sentences.bs } >"Antidisestablismentarianism" is a really obscure word. } >No one is quite sure what "antidisestablishmentarianism" means. } >Dammit, why doesn't my dictionary have "antidisestablishmentarianism?" } >Did I spell "antidisestablishmentarianism" correctly? } >% } } Uh-oh...we're still one short. Hang a sec, while I cobble something } else together... } } } } OK, here's your fifth sentence: } } >Bet you didn't think I could use "antidisestablishmentarianism" in } >five sentences, did you? Bwahahahaha... } } Well, there you go. If you have any trouble, send your teacher to me. } I've got a with his name all over it... } } You owe the Oracle a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious day. --- 419-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Scene: > The year 2200. Two men clad in jerseys appear from out of nothing > in front of a big temple, somewhere in a desert on a distant planet. > They look suspiciously around, then enter the temple. > From inside it is even bigger than it appeared from outside. > James T. Kirk: "My god - it is full of stars!" > Mr. Spock: "That's an old pun. Can't you think of something new?" > James T. Kirk: "Eh, yes. Nothing much going on here on Usenet IV, isn't > it?" > Mr. Spock: "Look over there, in the giant throne in front of the big > marble workstation - a skeleton!" > James T. Kirk: "Uh, oh - I know *that* kind of scene! I've watched > 'Alien'!" > Mr. Spock: "Completely irrelevant emotions!" > James T. Kirk: "Shall I pull your ears again?!" > Mr. Spock: "No - please not! I couldn't bear it the last time - and you > completely damaged their shape!" > (Spock pulls his phaser and wipes Kirk out. He then pulls his scanner > and points it towards the skeleton in front of the workstation.) > Spock (into his communicator): "Beamie, scott me up! There's no > intelligent life down here!" > (He takes another look at the throne and notices some documents printed > on thin plastic sheets.) > Spock (taking one up): "'Oh wise and mighty Oracle...', 'Oh Oracle, > whose shoelaces I'm unworthy to strangulate > myself with...', 'Orrie! Come home for > breakfast! Lisa.' - - - Hm. I guess the > poor dude must have died of tiresome > grovelings!" > (He takes a glance at the skeleton, not sure, whether or not it has > just moved. But it's only the wind blowing through the large, empty > hall. He vanishes as he has come, when Scottie activates the transit > beam. Three hundred years the temple remains in silence, when equally > out of a sudden who should appear but Oliver Stoned, beginning with the > preparations for his new film 'JTK', the sequel of 'Crying with the > wolves'.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Just The Kinzler," directed by Oliver Stoned. The true story of the } Oracle's demise. No, it wasn't the result of overpropagation, fomented } by the new newsgroup rec.humor.oracle. So claimed the Weary } Commission. The "single-bullet" theory claimed that the single } newsgroup vote created two new groups, rec.humor.oracle and } rec.humor.oracle.d. The commission blamed happenstance for the } Oracle's death. Overpropagation caused by the two groups led to too } many unfunny Incarnations, who preferred grovelling to clever answers. } } Stoned, based on theories by Jim Arrogant, rejected this hypothesis. } Everyone knows that one vote can't create two groups; it's against the } Guidelines for New Newsgroup Creation (tm). No, the Oracle's } assassination was due to a conspiracy. High Priest Steve Kinzler, in } collaboration with the Internet Task Force, UUNET, and the CIA, worked } to destroy the Oracle for their own advantage. The Internet and UUNET } were involved because they wished to stem the flow of Oracular traffic. } Kinzler simply wanted the Oracle's job. No one knows why the CIA } helped; Arrogant speculates that it was to give them something to do } now that the Cold War was over. } } Stoned also reveals that Kinzler was worried that the Oracle would } bring American forces home from Vietnam. Stoned struggles to explain } why this is significant, as the Vietnam War had ended nearly 20 years } earlier. } } Stoned's suggestions were radical, but the truth needs be told. Usenet } will not be the same after the revelations of JTK, the blockbuster } film. --- 419-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh humid Oracle, for whom life is just a bowl of root beer (the > alcoholic variety, of course), why is Tsongas running for President? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Root beer... Well, human life might be likened to root beer... but for } me life is much more demanding than that. } } I was tempted to answer with the trite answer of "Tsongas is running } because he wants to," but I wanted to give you a little more } information than that, so I hope the following answer will do: } } Humans realized early on that there we great advantages to } organization. The problem was, they also realized that every } organization had to have a leader, and that the leader became a very } powerful person. A powerful person could do whatever s/he wanted (as } long as s/he didn't get caught) and thus the position of leader became } highly coveted. With an oveabundance of people willing to be THE } leader, the problem became how to determine which candidate would make } the best leader. Thus we have the following reasons that you can use } to decide whether a particular candidate would make a good leader... } some of which Tsongas believes make him the right choice... You } decide! } } - The ability to make you want to kiss her ass, all the while making } you feel like she is kissing yours. } } - The ability to convince you that he actually knows something about } economics, even though he says he'll cut taxes while increasing } spending. } } - The ability to tell a straight faced lie to his mother. } [Even the oracle can't do that!] } } - The ability to convince you that increased spending on } advertisements extolling the virtues of reduced spending is a good } idea. } } - The ability to sell you the clothes you're wearing, and then } convincing you to give them to the needy. } } - The ability to get herself invited to very important events, only } to cancel because of something more important, just to improve her } image. (A classic play on words...) } } - The ability to make you think your opinions matter, but still } convince you that government has to look out for the concerns of } big business. } } - The ability to make you think he's not a racist... ("Hey, I have } white slaves too!") [Sorry, I just had to!] } } I think you get the point... You owe The Oracle a honest politicians } acceptance speech. [I'm sure you know how rare they are!] --- 419-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, Oracle, wherefore art thou Oracle? Tell me, who REALLY wrote > Shakespeare's plays? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O: Lisa, Look! before us stands another } Foolish mortal who would rudely bother } Our Leisure with a further dull request } About old Shakespeare's cultural bequest. } } L: Love, t'will never do to tell the rabble } That rainy night, that boring game of Scrabble -- } The truth, of how we cobbled them together } Sweet Willy's plays - inspired by wet weather! } } O: An old line then, one about repressing } Loves desires, turned into window dressing? } Or shall we add an element of spice, } And talk about some esoteric vice? } } L: My dear you are a genius, I own, } Whose merest quip hath reason o'erthrown } What'er you deign shall be allowed to slip } Pray mention not his venereal drip! } } } } O: Let it be said, in answer to your plea } And to your childer tell it, verily } That it was William wrote those plays in sooth } Beneath the influence of Poppy's juice! } } And tho you mortals posture and pronounce } And older styles of wit with glee denounce } I put it to you - can you truly say } That anyone writes better stuff today? --- 419-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, to whom Unix utilities are as simple as pocket > calculators are to us mere mortals, please answer my question: > > table > !"#$%&'()*+,-./0123456789:;<=>? > @ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ[\]^_ > begin 644 question > M'YV0<>J4F4,GS1LW+NC@H0.@H<.'$"-*G$BQHL6+%6%HM$&#!@@ &D/"^"A2z > M(\F2&F? L $"1HT8,U[.B/%R)(P8,F#<-Py > MZ$2E3)U*G4JUJM6K6*E: 5''31HY(-R F&,G#]BM:L2@R1,'1!X[>,">$0-"x > MCAXW94',#3NVC!TY8>*X %B:UPY8[C*<>,W#)VP;]2>48#F3%D[EN68<0L7w > M;!DQ9V"RT,MX-!PQ>L:4T6QFM)O (-"@ 7PZCMRN9T# >:TX3V(]8..(47"Fv > MCATS@PN#$![F1&X\8<2H :'&.)PZ(,0 CO?OW\./+GT^_OOW[^//KW\^_O___ 8HX( $%FC@@0@F"!&Vt > s > end And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } gnoyr } !"#$%&'()*+,-./0123456789:;<=>? } @NOPQRSTUVWXYZABCDEFGHIJKLM[\]^_ } ortva 644 nafjre } Z86LF=I5E+RU } Z } Z " @(#8G-" (" D-F4D( @(" @,30@ " @(" @(" @,F4C } Z(" H,34I,P Oh, most wizened and pernicious Oracle, whose maculate countenance > beams upon your supplicants with the very semblance of sibyline > sybariticism, answer me this, if you will: > Where can I get cashews in the shell? > Part of the charm of any nut is that to earn the nut's reward, the > snacker must extract the kernel from the shell. For example, are not > the best pistachios those whose shells are smooth and un-cracked -- > that you must risk your molars to open? Why, then, is such a > delectible morsel as a cashew so cheapened and made easy to obtain? Is > this not like prostituting one of nature's great delights? Perhaps, in > your Olympian experience, you have found a source of cashews still in > their shells, which must, by rights, be formidable indeed. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cashews in the shell. Hmm, let me see... } Well, I guess that depends upon which shell you want. For arguments } sake, I will use the C-shell. Here goes } } # /bin/csh } omnipotence:/home/oracle > which cashews } ./bin/cashews } omnipotence:/home/oracle > file `which cashews` } ./bin/cashews: Oracle pure Omnipotent executable } omnipotence:/home/oracle > man cashews } Reformatting page instantly (the Oracle NEVER waits) } } NAME Omnipotent Commands } } cashews - List the color of global currency instantly. } } SYNOPSIS } ~/bin/cashews [ -dcs ] countryname ... } SYSTEM XVX SYNOPSIS } ~/XVXbin/cashues [ -dcs ] countryname ... } } DESCRIPTION } for each country, cashews (cashues) will print out the } colors of currency currently in circulation of the } argument. When several arguments are given, colors are } listed in reverse alphabetical order, unless the country } begins with an `a`. } } ORACLEOS Release infininty.infinity. } } OPTIONS } -d Specify denomonations. Specifing denomonations (if } known) will limit output to that denomonation only. } (default is "all") } } -c Change (availiable to Oracle only) Choosing the -c option } will transform current hue to color specified. } } -s Sample. Using the -s option will cause sample of } currency to materialize. } } BUGS } Change option dependent upon color-lookup-table. } Hardware dependant unreliable at best. } } omnipotence:/home/oracle > logout } # logout } # omnipotence login: } } That is where you can find cashews in the "shell" as for all that } ranting about pistachios, you ought to go see psychiatrist, you are } obviously a Nut's nut } } you owe the Oracle a blue dollar.