From oracle-request Sat Jan 25 10:26:49 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 25 Jan 92 10:26:49 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #399 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 399 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #399 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 25 Jan 92 10:26:49 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 399 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 394 31 votes 19c81 2aa45 37b64 5c572 9c721 44c74 4ea12 28d71 212ce 3575b 394 3.0 mean 3.0 3.0 3.0 2.6 2.2 3.1 2.5 2.9 4.1 3.5 --- 399-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Oracle...my brother Bob says he knows more than you. I asked > him what number I was thinking of, and he said 34,520, but he was > wrong. What number am I thinking of? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, my friend, this depends on a number of personality factors which } you may or may not have at certain values. } } One of these is the perversion factor (high number = nymphomaniac, low } number = impotent or frigid). If this is very high, the number which } you would tend to be thinking is 69, of course. } } There is also the geek factor, which would tend to make one think of } the number pi (3.14159...). } } Yet another factor is the blonde factor. The number here is 1, since } most of them can only count that high, thus ruling out all other } numbers. } } There are other factors, but these are some of the more important ones. } The blonde factor should be low for you, since if it were high, you } would not be able to figure out how to turn on your computer, let alone } send email. The geek factor must also be low, since if it were high, I } would respond not with a letter but with a high-voltage electrical } surge across the communication line (the less of those types sending me } mail, the better). This leaves the perversion factor, which I judge to } be high in this case. } } Therefore, you are thinking of 69. --- 399-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Some think that Earth Wind and Fire are the > building blocks of the universe > Still others think they are fire, water, gravel, and vinyl. > Still others think that Hydrogen is the building block of the universe. > Who's right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Boy, humans are such dolts! It's no wonder the construction industry } is in recession! } } Let's get this straight, people. A building block has to be something } you can BUILD with! That rules out wind, fire, water and hydrogen } right off the bat. No substance there. If you manage to build } ANYTHING out of them, you'll win the world's prize for civil } engineering. And don't go on about ice, either. Ever see an igloo } with a finished basement? } } Now let's take gravel. Not bad, at least when poured into concrete. } Vinyl is also structurally sound. When you get right down to it, these } are the only two of your choices that are actually any use for } building. } } What it comes down to is that the building blocks of the universe are } two: Rocks and Plastics. Everthing out there is made of one or the } other. The Earth is mostly rocks; its atmosphere is a gaseous plastic } formed from chlorofluorocarbon deposits from aerosol sprays. The sun } is a rocplastic composite engineered for luminosity. And the stars are } painted on the plastic celestial sphere with a semigloss by DuPont. } } You owe the Oracle a set of Lego. And, since you didn't grovel, a set } of Duplo. --- 399-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why has the bearer of wisdom have no question for me, the mere mortal > Devilish one? Just when I need you to ask me questions.... you have > abandoned me. Please answer oh great one... > > The Mortal Red Devil... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Milton once said, "They also serve who only stand and wait." Of } course, he was reknowned for leaving small tips. In any event, silence } is sometimes the most profound question one can ask. Or is it the most } profound answer? The Mighty Oracle, omniscient though he is, gets that } sort of thing confused sometimes, especially when Lisa is sucking on his } toes. } Your desperation is quite understandable. As Socrates } demonstrated, continued and stubborn questioning is the surest way to } self-actualization, as long as one doesn't mind sipping the occasional } hemlock cocktail. So, as a demonstration of my all-generous } munificence, I shall present you with the following question, which I } encourage you to ponder for as long as you will: } } > Why has the bearer of wisdom have no question for me, the mere mortal } > Devilish one? Just when I need you to ask me questions.... you have } > abandoned me. Please answer oh great one... } > } > The Mortal Red Devil... } } There. Make sense of that one. I certainly couldn't. --- 399-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh humongously scratchy Oracle, to whom Godzilla is merely an > ambivalent Japanese monster and superhero, to whom pederasty is merely > sexual realations with children, and to a good cigar is merely a smoke, > tell me please: > > A lot of self-important types have been discussing changing the name of > your newsgroup. How do YOU feel bout this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Listen, and heed my words! } } If you took a big handful of lard and rubbed it all over your body, } including armpits and nostrils, would you be a different person? No. } } Well, what if you were to take yourself and lie down in the hot sun } until all the lard began to fester and rot? Would you be a different } person? No. } } And finally, what if you were to be hit by a blue whale falling } mysteriously from the sky? Would that change the true inner nature of } your heart and soul and mind? Yes, because you'd be dead. } } Listen and learn, my children! } } The Great Usenet Oracle --- 399-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most wise of all oraclekind. What's inside a quark? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Ah, finally a decent question accompanied by an acceptable } grovel," said the Oracle, getting up to raid the ever-stocked divine } refrigerator. "Let's see... pickled supplicant brains, leftover foie } gras... maybe it's behind the tub of beluga... Yes, here we are!" } Carefully, the Mighty One removed a small carton labeled 'One Half Dozen } Grade AAA Quarks' and put it down on the counter next to the stove, } where a skillet was already being heated. } "Okay, one more time," he said, cracking each quark into the } skillet in turn. "This is your brain." "This is an upper } quark." "This is a downer quark." "This is a top quark." } "This is a bottom quark." "This is a charmed quark" } "And this is a strange quark. Any questions?" } } You owe the Oracle some mushrooms and peppers for his omelette. --- 399-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh blessed Oracle, whose underwear never bunches up in the back > in that *particularly* uncomfortable way, please enlighten me this: > > Has Walt Whitman fufilled the role of the American Poet as > conceptualized by Emerson, or is he in fact just a hairy > oversexed mountain man with a penchent for writing erotic > poetry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Emerson's opinion is that Whitman is very close to fulfilling the } role of the American Poet. However, Lake and Palmer lean towards } the "oversexed hairy mountain man" theory. } } You owe the Oracle a lumberjack who is OK, who sleeps all night and } works all day. --- 399-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O huge and powerfully phlegmatic oracle, whose sinuses clear the world > of all idiocy, please answer for me the following question: > > What's the difference between a booger and a bugger? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } booger: a globule of phlegm which hangs from the nose. Also known as } "nature's Krazy Glue." } bugger: questioners like you, you little bugger, who think it's cute } to make fun of the Oracle's immortal shnozzola } } What's the difference? } } You can pick your questioners, and you can pick your nose, but only the } Oracle can pick his questioners from his nose and wipe them on the } couch. } } You owe the Oracle a box of Kleenex (tm). --- 399-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, knower of the unknowable, decider of the undecidable, > prover of the unprovable, will computer scientists ever determine > rigorously whether P=NP? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, and you can be the one to do it (with my help of course). Here is } the proof: } } By lemma 13.7 we know that NP=P } Therefore P=NP Q.E.D. } } The proof of lemma 13.7 is left as an exercise for the supplicant. --- 399-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and mighty Oracle, whose fame may be about to increase due > to the impending transfer of Thine group of sacred writings, > alt.humor.oracle, to the realm of High Propagation, the rec.* > hierarchy, ... > > How many shall vote for Thy new groups? And how many against? > And how shalt thou smight down those who dare to vote against Thee? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I can't tell you the results beforehand! You know that! Y'see, while } I'm happily omnipotent and already know excatly upon which newsgroup } I will reaside in the coming months, to tell you would ruin the } suspense. And besides, telling you would affect the outcome of the } vote. By giving this response to your query (both of which, of course, } I anticipated), I am ensuring that the outcome that I foresee shall } take place. So don't bother. } Now smiting, that's another thing. That's fun in and of itself. If } people vote against it, I may just have to call a rainstorm of a } thousand hailstones the size of watermellons to dump itself on their } brand new BMW. Or, in some cases, I'll have to place two of the } infamous Energizer bunnies - one female, one male - in their homes and } allow them and their children torment them for the remainder of their } known lives. } But that's just a thought. I can't really tell you some of the } meaner things, cuz that would also change the outcome. } } You owe the oracle another newsgroup. --- 399-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a star is 20 light years away, and has a stellar magnitude of > 2.1, and you travel, by unknown means, towards the star at 30l.334 > times the speed of light, but you are wearing a light reflective > bodysuit, and have artificial inertia fields compensating for the > gravitational forces working towards ripping your poor flesh to > shreds, then how long would it take you to eat a tuna on > rye....without mustard? In addition, how would it effect the > situation if you are male or female? Lastly, if you are allergic to > tuna, and must therefore eat some other form of meat, what meat would > be the closest in terms of speed, color, and fragrance...not to > mention agility? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, any good Physics prof. worth his atomic weight in protons } will readily tell you that gender has nothing to do with it. That gets } one problem out of the way. } } Secondly, what you are referring to is the tuna paramagnetism curve } first discovered and published by Wee No Gettit. The curve, being an } inversely proportional Electro-parafusical wave configuration of rye } bread, first used by Noah Comprendo, allows us to generalize about the } behavior of most sandwich meats at greater than light speeds. Mustard, } being an external factor rarely used on such journeys, can be } disregarded as being immaterial as you have correctly pointed out. } This was first showed by Provmi Rong and later backed up by research } from the FDA who stringently requires that the mustard be properly } labelled as being unsuitable for warp speeds as well as cholesterol } free. } } The truth is that we honestly don't know. Until we have the vital } ability to run the tuna through the Linear Partical Accelerator now } being built, all of our current knowledge can only lead to speculation. } It is believed, however, that chipped ham has a very similar } consistency to tuna at such high velocity. This oracle subscribes to } this theory as he likes neither sandwich. If it were up to me, all } creatures travelling through space should be forced to eat roast beef } with provolone cheese, heavy on the mayo. People, being the } non-conformists that they are, refuse to accept such sage advice. } Mores the pity... } } You owe the oracle and artificial inertia field and a way to make money } off of it.