From oracle-request Wed Jan 8 16:42:47 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 8 Jan 92 16:42:47 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #391 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 391 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #391 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 8 Jan 92 16:42:47 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 391 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 386 21 votes 33a32 16653 45264 34842 20865 16545 57621 34293 00885 45633 386 3.1 mean 2.9 3.1 3.0 2.9 3.6 3.3 2.4 3.2 3.9 2.8 --- 391-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and telemelitrous Oracle, please tell me how you would answer > if a supplicant asked, "In a fight between Doctor Doolittle and Mary > Poppins, who would win?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Have you ever seen a man win in a fight with a woman? I didn't think } so... --- 391-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: J.Cheetham@bra0116.wins.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am running SQL*Net TCP/IP for Multinet on VAX/VMS. Whenever a > SQL*Net Client tries to connect to the databse instance, I have > been getting the following message: > > CONNECT REQUEST FROM HECVAX.HUMAN.CORNELL.EDU AT 3-DEC-91 12:27:46 > ORASRV PROCESS (PID=015E, PNO=00) CREATED > ORASRV PROCESS (PID=015E) HAS EXIT STATUS 340 > ERROR: ORASRV has exited unexpectedly (with status 340) > ORASRV PROCESS (PID=015E, PNO=00) DELETED > KILL REQUEST FROM HECVAX.HUMAN.CORNELL.EDU AT 3-DEC-91 12:57:05 > > It used to run OK. I have a TAR with Oracle but no onenhas been > able to resolve the problem. Does anyone have any idea? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First off, buddy, I'm the USENET Oracle! NOT some SQuirreL*NET } database package. } } Now, as to your problem, the key is in the client address, to wit: } } HECVAX.HUMAN.... } } It's HUMAN error, obviously. Go down tho the HUMANities department } and tell them to keep their grubby Liberal (non-partisan these days) } Arts paws OFF your machine until you can cure it of its VMS infection } and give it a good dose of UNIX } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Gupta Technology's DBMS source. --- 391-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, > > I know - I'm not worth being your shoe-shine boy - but PLEASE tell me: > > How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man? > _ > _ // Barbarus hic ego sum quia non intellegor ulli. > \X/ Anyway, life's a Bratwurst. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only one: I-95. All the way from Maine to Florida. Only then can he } be called a man. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Route 66." --- 391-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: J.Cheetham@bra0116.wins.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, whose pickup has the loudest pipes and the most lights, and > whose belly has the largest belt buckle I have ever seen cover a pair > of Wrangler jeans, and whose boots have the most cow dung on them, > please tell me: > > Why did my cows eat all of the leaves off the bushes around my > house and how did they get across the fence into my yard? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The got over the fence using an Acme Cow-a-Pult, as seen on TV and } Monty Python. Just $19.95 plus shipping and handling, guaranteed to put } some boost into Bossie, the Cow-a-Pult has an adjustable trajectory dial } the that goes from fence-hopping to moon shots. Get yours today! } They ate all of the leaves from around your "bushes" because knew } precisely what they ACTUALLY were. This also gives you an explanation } to the question I can see lurking in your mind: "Why are my cows lying } flat on their backs giggling?" } } You don't owe the Oracle anything: you'll need all you have for court } costs once the DEA arrives, which they should be in... oh... fifteen } minutes. Have a nice day. --- 391-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle most wise, though with the most discerning brain, whose > comment are always insightful, knowing, and knowledgeable. Who is the > most perceptive being in the universion. Whose sage advise we all heed > without question. Whose mind is most keen, contemplative, and > reflective. Whose wit is both sharp and shrewd. Who is definatly the > most canny, discreet, foresighted, perspicacious, sagacious, bright, > and intelligent being ever to send a packet on the internet. Whose > words are cagey, foresighted, crafty, cunning, and tricky. Who is > always in the groove, and definatly not born yesterday. Who is often > bold, cheeky, forward, fresh, impudent, nervy, pert, procacious, sassy, > smart-alecky, arrogant, brash, cocky, flippant, impertinent, lippy, > saucy, dull, btuse, slow, unaware, unknowing, careless, heedless, > imprudent, indiscreet, short-sighted, foolish, and unwise. Who has an > intelegence that is astonishing, astounding, miraculous, prodigious, > strange, stupendous, surprising, wonderful, wondrous. Whose very words > are the ultimate pleasure to hear. Who is definately the most > wonderfull person I have ever had the good fortune to speak to. I ask > you: > > Do you really read these messages carefully? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nope. Just compute a 11-bit CRC of the first line and use that as an } index into a table of Fate Capsules. Not real clever, but it works } as well as IBM's finest -- and a damn sight better than anything the } NSA can do. } } You owe the Oracle a 12-bit CRC handbook. --- 391-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and powerful Oracle, please HELP!!! > > Our test scripts are FAILING!!! No recovery procedure is effective!!! > > WHAT DO WE DO?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are several differenct solutions. Here are just a few of them: } } 1. Give Up! } 2. Hit the books and learn how to write scripts right! } 3. Go ask someone who has already asked someone else! } 4. Have a lunch break and try again with better luck! } 5. Wake Up! } } You owe the Oracle a functioning test script. --- 391-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, utmost Oracularity of blinding radiance of wisdom, plase tell me > what an "audiobiography" is. Do so, and I will never leave your toes > uncovered by my lips. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Contrary to popular belief, an audiobiography is not about cars. It } is actually the life story of Audie Murphy, which became so popular } that the word was invented for it. } } Other famous life stories are the Mammography (Auntie Mame), the } Pornography (Hugh Hefner), the Stenography (the gun), and Liposuction } (the story of a man who walked around with a can of V8 stuck to his } face because he tried to open it with his teeth. The Oracle is NOT } making this one up). } } You owe the Oracle your life story. --- 391-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have here a copy of the Very Strange Version of the Bible, wherein > it is written: > > 1. Blessed are the peacocks, for they have extremely gaudy tails and > nasty voices. > 2. Blessed are the nosy, for they shall have their appetite for gossip > satiated. > 3. Blessed are the hydrogenated, for they shall remain stiff, yea, > even unto the hottest of days. > 4. Blessed are the smooth, for they need not be sanded. > 5. Blessed are the primitive, for theirs is the Kingdom of Bogo-Bogo. > 6. Blessed are the creepy, for they shall creep forth upon the earth > and multiply and so perform all manner of deeds, and they shall be > as seagulls unto the Footmen Heaven. > 7. Blessed are the rabbits, for they shall inherit Australia. > 8. Blessed are the reprehensible, for they shall be reprehensed. > 9. Blessed are the verbose, for they shall be given many words pickled > in dilled vinegar, and lo! those words shall be crunchy and > pungent, and suitable for the garnishment of sandwiches. > > What does it mean, O Wise Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It means that the Great and Holy Prophet Jehorziah has been at the } sacramental wine again. Sorry about that; we'll take care of it. } } You owe the Oracle a large pot of strong coffee, and a dozen raw eggs. --- 391-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle: > > You are standing at the end of a dirt road, with blue gargoyles > spouting flames from their ears standing on pedistals on either side. > At the end of the road is a small temple to Tolkien. In the road is a > two-handed sword. You are wearing blue tights and a crown of laurel > leaves. > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As you bend over to pick up the sword, two things happen. The big } lunch of bean burrito's betrays you with a loud gaseous cloud that } instantly ignites into a blue flame spawned from the gargoyle's flaming } ears. At the same time your tights split from waist band to waist } band. Spurred on by a pain in the rear and acute embarassment you rush } into the temple. } } Oracle: Well, what have we here? } } You look around, trying to cover yourself with the sword, at once } awkward and dangerous. "Is that you, Oracle?" } } "Indeed it is, and what a pleasure to once again have a supplicant } apply for the priesthood by offering himself in the ancient way!" } } "Uh, what do you mean, I was just..." } } "No, do not explain, I understand. Doubts arise at the last moment, } but I will help you overcome them. Just place them on the alter and } use the sword quickly, it won't even hurt." } } "Hey, you can't mean _I_ should..." } } "Sigh... Alright I'll do it for you, but it would have been more } impressive had you done it yourself." } } "Whoa, wait just a sec..... YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" } } The Oracle appreciates your visit, your debt is paid in full. --- 391-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, what is this program... > I dunno, you started it, you... > No way, it just started by itself... > Nah, I doubt, let me see... > Now, what did you do? > I just pressed this button and... > Hey, whos that guy with leather > sandals and white toga? He's coming > here! What does he want... > I dunno, he doesn't like too > friendly to me, or what... > Look, he's waving at us... > I don't think show! It looks more > like he's throwing stones at us! > Hey man, why are you throwing > stones at us? We haven't done > anything! Or have we? > Hey, this is not nice any more... > I want out! HELP HELP ... > Ok, try Ctrl-Alt-Del... > You stupid asshole, this ain't no > PC, this is a Sparc workstation! > Well, Hmmm, try L1-A-B, that > should work... > > Quickly, hurry, AUCH, that hurts, > do it NOW > Ok, just a sec... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, yeah, you need help. Try beating yourself with a Oracle help } manual until you achieve enligntenment.