From oracle-request Mon Jan 6 10:18:10 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 6 Jan 92 10:18:10 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #390 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 390 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #390 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 6 Jan 92 10:18:10 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 390 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 385 22 votes 13486 26761 44833 35a31 35761 29434 47650 6a501 3a540 32980 385 2.8 mean 3.7 2.9 2.9 2.7 2.9 2.9 2.5 2.1 2.5 3.0 --- 390-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise, who groks the whole of the universe AND how > you can understand it with a piece of fairy cake, please tellme... > > Where exactly did this crater come from, and how did it get HERE? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Silly mortal, the crater has always been there, but you haven't } noticed it since it has been filled with dirt and covered by grass. } } You owe the oracle another grenade. --- 390-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh dear, sweet, all-knowing, Oracle, > > I am perplexed and confused, and I had to turn to you. My question: > When you close your eyes, are you invisible? I mean, really, how can > you be sure? I've closed my eyes and snapped photpgraphs, and sometimes > I'm in the picture and sometimes not. What gives? Also, does that > 'fridge light stay on when you close the door? > > Your's in affection, > zo. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, zo, that's one of those strange, philosophical questions. } The new Webster's Oracular Standard defines "invisible" as "not readily } seen; hidden from view." Ergo, when you have closed your eyes, } *everything but your eyelids* is invisible...to you. } } Now, obviously, the dictionary was vague enough to leave some doubt as } to whether or not you are invisible to others. (The strange photos you } mentioned were caused by the extra letter "P" in the film; thus, the } photpgraphs.) In the interests of science, Lisa and I will now attempt } an experiment. } } O: Lisa, come here. } } L: Yes, snookie? } } O: Let's try something. I'm going to close my eyes, and you let me } know if you can see me afterward. } } L: Oooooo! Let's! } } O: Okay, my eyes are closed now. } } L: Orry? Where did you go? I'd better feel around for } you...oh, what's that? } } O: Oooooooooo....... } } } } Well, that seems to cover that. } } You owe the Oracle a new bulb for the fridge...mine NEVER lights up. --- 390-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, I call upon your infinite wisdom to bring an end to > suffering on Earth. > > Where is the line between criminality and mental illness? Some > vices (gambling, alcoholism, etc.) are treated as illnesses while > others (prostitution, Schedule I drugs, etc.) are treated as criminal > offenses. In general, is all criminality mental illness? And what > can we do about it, Oracle? The world really needs the answer! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Welcome to another session of Ask Dr. Oracle! Tonight's show is a } special one, kids! We will feature three prominent guests: } Ted Kennedy, Oliver Stone, and G. Gordon Liddy. Welcome, guests! } (Polite Clapping) } First question goes to Mr. Stone. Mr. Stone? Mr. Stone, are you } with us? } Stone: Oh, yeah. Right! I was trippin'. Had this great idea for a } movie. Conspiricy theories, babes, the mob. Music by The Doors, I } figure I'll call it something original, like "JFK". } Kennedy: Mr. Stone! I'm here to assure you that there was no } conspiricy, other than your blatant attempt to slander this great } system of government. The Kennedy family stands today for what } it has always stood for... } Liddy: Gun running, prostitution, drugs. Say, don't any of the Kennedy } family ever *work*? } Kennedy: Excuse me, Mr. Liddy, but I'd rather speak to a man with } convitions, rather than one, like yourself, who has been convicted. } Stone: There you all go again! Blame the government. Escape from } reality. Anybody wanna go outside and roll a few? Got a new shipment } in yesterday from Mexico. } Kennedy: Why do I feel lost in this conversation? } Stone: I dunno, Ted. Water under the bridge, perhaps? } Liddy: Come now, Oliver! Ted's not that far to the left, you know, } The bridge was narrow. The girl was naked. He came up for air several } times. } Stone: Hmmm. Sounds like a conspiricy! Can I buy the rights, Ted? } Oracle: Ahem! Gentlemen, and Mr. Kennedy. We seem to have lost } track of our initial question... } Stone: Could you repeat the question? I was wasted... } Liddy: Life isn't fair. } Kennedy: I haven't made up my mind about 1996 yet. President Quayle, } or President Kennedy. Which makes you more comfortable? } Oracle: Well, folks, I guess some questions just can't be answered. } Tune in tomorrow when my special guest is the lovely Lisa, who shows } us several fun new uses for Wesson oil! Until next time, kids! } } You owe the Oracle a subscription to C-Span. --- 390-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and glorious Oracle, who understands why THE ANSWER is 42, > pleeeeeeease deign to tell me > > how many beans make five? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately, at a secret meeting of the Amalgated Institute of } Existentialist Electrical Electronic Factorial (AIEEE!) that the Oracle } can only disclose now, THE ANSWER has been redefined to be the as-yet } unkown 10**21st and 10**32nd places of decimal of pi, due to the fact } that Deep Thought has temporarily swapped itself onto 360K floppies. } The Oracle hears that the swap-in has reached disk no. 7,284,374 at } this stage, so normal processing should be rersumed within the decade. } } As to the infinitely more challenging question of beans making five, } this really depends on the bean-display-unit resolution and the } BeanGraphics (TM) protocol being used. As is known, modern bean display } units can display a resolution of up to 1024*1024 beans. However, the } problem of resolution, as with old raster-display video technology, is } that the beans begin to decay after a time, and by the time all million } or so beans have been displayed, those that were placed first tend to } have decayed. However, new LCD (Legume Continuity Device) technology } which replaces the traditional single bean-placing person with two } operating simultaneously shows promise, also for non-monochrome } display, as one person can be laying down kidney beans and the other } adzuki beans, which allows for an apparent 1024 colours with new } BeanMasher anti-aliasing technology (actually a standard garden } roller). } } So to get beans to make five, the above technology is suitable, and an } aesthetically pleasing BeanMan Medium 96-point typeface is advised, } with the viewer sitting not closer than 10 meters from the BGA (Bean } Graphics Adaptor) display. Approximately 4608 beans are thus required } to make five at this resolution. However, HD display (Horticultural } Dementia) technology is making great advances these days, and it is } hoped that the use of bean sprouts will further improve matters so as } to be able to use as many as 12,000 beans to make five. } } You owe the Oracle a trowel and some air-freshener. --- 390-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How's about some bondage and humiliation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the normal run of affairs, questions to the Oracle are requests for } information, by which the humble petitioner partakes infinitessimally } in the miraculous pool of knowledge possessed by the godlike and truly } amazing Oracle. Instead, your question is a request for an experience. } Despite the unorthodoxy of this format, the Oracle has decided to look } with favor upon your request. } } Brace yourself. } } } } See the tall lady dressed entirely in leather? See the fearsome array } of iron and leather tools hanging from the wall behind her? See the } thick rubber straps holding your limbs to the rough, iron-studded oaken } table upon which you lie, utterly helpless, your tender skin pierced in } several places by large, rusty nails? See the pink ballerina's costume } you are wearing? See the lust-crazed boar about to deflower whatever } orifices of your body seem handy? See the large hairy man sitting } beside your head, preparing to feed you spoonfuls of excrement? } } } } Wasn't that fun? Don't you feel dominated and humiliated? Would you } like to do it again? You would? } } } } You owe the Oracle your deep and unreserved thanks. } } Now. --- 390-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tell me about subscriber trunk dialing. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Subscriber Drunk Dialing is not a thing to be taken lightly. There are } federal mandates against the act, and substantial penalties established } against it in most states. Although the Oracle can not encourage any } activities which may be against national, state, local, or natural law, } the Oracle diffidently suggests that the best way to perform Drunk } Dialing is with several friends and a video camera. Several quarts of } Everclear are also suggested. By the way, did you know that if one } million Drunk Dialers dialed one number a second, they'd eventually tap } into the line that the Pentagon uses to order Domino's pizza? Amazing, } isn't it? } } Oh, _Trunk_ Dialing. Well. You can dial any trunk you like. They } won't answer. Elephants prefer to keep to themselves. They normally } have unlisted trunks. Not that I blame them; I get too much traffic } myself. Steamer trunks aren't much more responsive; being made of } felled trees, they are often impassive and resign themselves to inert } states. } } Since you haven't groveled sufficiently, zap zap and all that. You're } dead. I'm going back to the party, stop bothering me. } } You owe the Usenet Oracle Marla Maples' unlisted phone number and a } case of Georgia peaches. Or something else which looks good in high } heels. --- 390-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wonderous Oracle, whose spiffiness is truly spiffy, please tell me: > > Will anything really strange happen to me in 1992? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Will anything strange happen to you? Hmmm, let's see.... } } Event queue ORACLE_BATCH, on USENET:: } /BASE_PRIORITY=3 /CPUWISDOM=INFINITE /CPUMAXIMUM=INFINITE } /JOB_LIMIT=2 /OWNER=[ORACLE] /PROTECTION=(TROJAN-ENZ) } /WSDEFAULT=1000 /WSEXTENT=12000 /WSQUOTA=3000 } } Jobname Username Entry Status } ------- -------- ----- ------ } EVENTS_1992 QUERENT_15259 885 Holding until 2-JAN-1992 } 21:12 Submitted 1-JAN-1992 21:10 /NOLOG /PRIORITY=100 } File: _ORACLE$DUA2:[ORACLE.1992.AH]EVENT_BATCH.COM;5 } } Hmmm. Okay..... } $ TYPE EVENT_BATCH.COM } } File: _ORACLE$DUA2:[ORACLE.1992.AH]EVENT_BATCH.COM;5 } $ SET DEF ROOT } $ RUN SYS$SYSEXE:FULL_GOOSE_TREATMENT } } Aha! The answer is Yes. Some highlights you can expect: } } You will be in the media spotlight, but the stories about the } hippo and the mentholatum will prove to be false; } } Raisa Gorbechev will mention you in her next book, earning the } jealous Yeltsin and the pity of Mikhael. The cold war will begin } again as a result; } } Your toes will be dissolved by killer snails from South America; } } You will join a union; } } You will be linked to Cher and Michael Landon's ghost; } } Madonna will autograph a cone bra for you. Sean Penn will punch } you for it. } } This should all occur by Wednesday. Let me know how it goes. } } You owe the Oracle a tire. --- 390-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is faster than light travel possible? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yeah, sure. Watch! } } Would you like to see me do it again? --- 390-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle that more doctors would take with them if they were going to > be stranded on a desert island, please allay my qualms and riddle me > this: if marsey dohts, and dosey dohts, and little lambseydivey, and > also given that a kiddledeydivey too, then how does it follow that i > should too? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The song commonly known as "Marsey dohts" has been horribly distorted } from its original form, by the same people that put happy endings on } fairy tales. Some people may think that child abandonment, incest, } vivsection, and cannibalism don't make good children's stories, but I } for one am sick and tired of this Pollyanna censorship trend. After } all, children need to learn that life is not all gingerbread houses } and free porridge. } } In the interest of setting the record straight once and for all, here } are the ORIGINAL lyrics. } } Baresy darts and wolvsey darts and } Little snakesy dieballs. } A battlydieball stew. Wouldn't you? } } You owe the Oracle a map of the Black Lodge. And a donut. --- 390-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is life so unfair? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, I was hoping you'd ask that question... } } It would appear that you have fallen victim to an event that we in the } upper reaches of the intellect like to refer to as a } non-beneficial-commooccurence (NBCO). This would account for the } question you ask. It is less likely that you have fallen prey to a } NBUO (non-beneficial-uncommooccurence). If that were the case, you } would probably be searching for real help instead of filing a minor } complaint with an agency that you know damn well couldn't care less. } } Of course, it is entirely plausible that you yourself are a NBCA (non- } beneficial-common-annoyance), and are just asking this question to be } silly. } } But in the interest of sincerity, sensitivity, and fostering a false } but good reputation, I will assume that you are a victim of either a } NBCO or a NBUO. So I will answer your question without further delay. } } Life is a series of encounters with people, each of which can be } classified in this way: } } Each person is either +, -, or neutral in each of the following } categories: } } [W]illingness to depend on other people, } [N]eed to depend on other people, } [P]hysical attractiveness, } [I]nternal perception of physical attractiveness, } [M]eta-awareness of every aspect of life experience. } } Each person is also either mf (male preferring females), fm } (female preferring males), mm (male homosexual), etc. } } So, I would be classified as -W-N+P+I+Mmf. A plain looking girl who } was very trusting but kind of ditzy might be classified as +WNP-I-Mfm. } An extremely ugly egotistic sexually active bisexual male rugged } individualist who is into group sex and bestiality might be classified } as: } -W+N-P+I-Mmfpdgfpdgfspmdgsf*pmdsgfpmdgsfz. } } (s=sheep, d=dog, etc... } *=whatever happens to walk by under it's own } power) } } Most other aspects of personality can be deduced from knowing these } simple basic facts about a person. } } Now, of course, you don't just meet people. You are also subjected to } RSE's (random stupid events) which are either beneficial, harmful, or } just plain stupid. } } Now: Your goal is to avoid the Harmful RSE's, laugh at the stupid } RSE's, eat up the beneficial RSE's, all while attempting to become } WN+PI+M?? and meeting only other WN+PI+M??'s. } } And during all this, you must meet one WN++++PI+M?? of the appropriate } sexual type and orientation, and you must change to a +W for this } person. And own a BMW before you're 30. } } So, why is life unfair? Because to become a WN+PI+M?? you must first } admit to yourself that at the moment you're probably just a } -W+N-P+I-M?? or not much better. Also, BMW's can be well over $50,000. } And the number of +M's who have that many +'s before their P and are } actually of the correct sexual type and orientation is, well, zero. } } Sorry. } } But cheer up anyway. } } You owe the Oracle an empty question queue.