From oracle-request Fri Nov 22 11:15:49 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 22 Nov 91 11:15:49 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #376 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 376 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #376 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 22 Nov 91 11:15:49 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 376 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 371 26 votes 05d80 17a71 55c31 16757 21b84 349a0 04796 35a62 29762 04d63 371 3.1 mean 3.1 3.0 2.6 3.4 3.4 3.0 3.7 3.0 2.9 3.3 --- 376-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are Friday nights so boring when you're a loner, have no friends, > have no life, don't know where the parties are, your girlfriend just > dumped you, you're broke, have no alcoholic beverages, your dog just > died, your parents got divorced the week before, you split your jeans > in a fight, lost your wallet, and just got your housing bill which > you won't be able to pay until next June? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm... No groveling, but you sure did a good job of sounding pitiful, } so I will answer your question: } } It's true that all these things contribute to your boredom, but } the real reason is you don't have any Twinkies(tm)! I get thousands } of questions every day about 'em. It's obvious that people everywhere } are having a hell of a lot of fun with their Twinkies. Here are } some uses I've seen: } } 1) Eat 'em. (Nah....) } 2) Snort 'em. (Yeah....) } 3) Fill one with the gunpowder from 37 firecrackers, light the } fuse, then toss it in your brother's room. } 4) Fill a pumpkin with Twinkie cream and drop it off the fourth } floor balcony of your apartment building. } 5) Practice serving 'em with your sister's brand new tennis } racquet. } 6) Chemistry class!! } 7) Fill the woofer cones of your roommate's 1000-watt speakers with } Twinkie cream and play "Blow Up Your Video" by AC-DC. } 8) Use an electromagnetic rail gun to accelerate one to a sizeable } fraction of the speed of light. Witness relativity in action } as the mass-increased Twinkie impacts your neighbor's BMW. } 9) How many Twinkies can your vacuum cleaner slurp up before it } blows up? } } You owe the Oracle a Zinger factory. --- 376-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where did Thanksgiving come from??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you grew up attending any sort of American school, or in the general } periphery of a bossy American busybody who felt it incumbent upon } himself to correct your ignorance of American History, you probably } learned that Thanksgiving was first celebrated by the Pilgrims, who } wished to give thanks to (ostensibly) God for their safe passage across } the Atlantic and for the ensuing bountiful harvest in their new } homeland, both of succulent vegetables and meats and of succulent } Indian maids. } } This is an unspeakably large quantity of unmitigated drek. } } Thanksgiving was actually invented by a poor Irish potato farmer named } Gillian O'Macy in 1593. It so happens that O'Macy bore a grudge against } his neighbor, MacAlister Gimbel, and hit upon the idea that the best } way of ruining Gimbel's pending potato harvest would be to gather all } his friends together at an ungodly hour of the morning, get them } roaring drunk, and go parading up and down Gimbel's potato fields. } O'Macy's friends thought this was a wonderful idea, and invited their } friends and families to come sit on the sidelines (Gimbel's rutabaga } and carrot patches) and cheer them on. } } That crisp November morning was truly a sight to see. Many of O'Macy's } musician friends togged themselves out in their most outlandish } costumes and brought their instruments along, and played hearty } potato-smashing tunes in small groups. As they progressed up and down } the potato field, they made it a point to all play simultaneously, so } that the resulting mishmash of musical messiness would add even more of } a holiday touch to the festivites. Young girls in the musician families } marched with their fathers and brothers, waving their brightly colored } pantaloons in time to the music. } } It's a little known fact that an O'Macy and a Gimbel sailed on the } Mayflower; however, in the November following that fateful landing on } Plymouth Rock, Herbert O'Macy gathered all his friends together and } went stomping in glorious cacophony up and down Aloysius Gimbel's } potato patch, just like his grand-dad Gillian had done years before. } Since then, O'Macy's descendents have made it a tradition to pulverize } the Gimbel family lands on brisk November mornings, even after the land } had been sold to various Japanese corporations. } } You owe the Oracle the pleasure of seeing you drop a 20 pound frozen } Butterball turkey on your foot, for not groveling at the foot of the } Oracular altar. --- 376-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis 'Hammersmith' Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I accidentally deleted a Most Important Project from the disk, and I > don't have a backup. My boss is expecting a (now deleted) project > soon. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, clear your mind of the illusion that it was you who deleted the } project. It was Dharma. He deleted the project as a test to see whether } you are ready to undertake your destiny. } } When your boss next asks you when the project will be completed, tell } him or her, "It is complete." } } BOSS: "Oh? When did you finish it?" } } YOU: "It is not yet finished." } } BOSS: "Well, when can you get it to me?" } } YOU: "You already have it." } } BOSS: "I do? Where is it?" } } YOU: "It is inside you." } } BOSS: "What?" } } YOU: "The report is a part of you, and of me. We are a part of the } Universal All. When we are finished, All shall be finished." } } BOSS: "The Universal All?" } } YOU: "The beginning is the end. Hesitate. Be lost. Consider the lotus." } } BOSS: "Lotus..." } } YOU: "Om." } } BOSS: "Om." } } If you get the conversation to this stage, Dharma will be very } satisfied with you. As you can tell, it is your destiny to get } your butt canned in the near future. } } You owe the Oracle a backup of your latest project. --- 376-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OK Oracle, we Questioners are tired of asking all the questions, > looking like fools, being flamed and electronically abused in Your > responses, having to hear about your sexual excesses and pretend we > like it and constantly asked to pay extortionate tribute to support > Your useless and profligate lifestyle. > > This message is to advise you that a plurality of the Oracular > Questioners have formed a union for the purposes of collective > bargaining. The Oracular Supplicants International/Internet Sendmail > Organization (OSI/ISO) is demanding fair distribution of Oracular > tributes, limits on the amount of flaming and abuse to be heaped upon > individual Questioners and ending of discrimination against Questioners > based on color, gender, sexual preference, spelling skills or being > stuck with system administrators who force signatures like "JOE > QUESTIONER, STUDENT" to be appended to all our outgoing mail. > > If you refuse to recognize our union or fail to bargain in good faith, > we will have no choice but to withhold our services from the Oracular > workplace, until a settlement is reached. That's right pal -- no > Questions, no Answers, no Tribute. We sincerely hope that this kind of > extreme job action will not be necessary. > > With Solidarity, > Bill Shipper > Executive Supplicant, OSI/ISO > > You owe the Questioners a contract and a union label in your .signature And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For Immediate Distribution: } Press Release #12345 } USENET Oracle, Ltd. } 11/18/91 4:45pm CDT } } The management and senior staff of USENET Oracle, Ltd regretfully } announces that recent developments in the economy have forced UO, Ltd } to lay off 1/3 of its Questioners. } } Recent pressures by OSI/ISO, a collective bargaining union representing } USENET Questioners, added to the economic stress that has forced Oracle } to make this drastic decision. } } "We regret that we won't be able to keep our Questioners", said J. D. } Networthy, president and CEO of UO, Ltd. "But with the generous } severance benefits that we are providing, I'm sure that the hardship to } the now-former Questioners will be minimal". UO spokesman C. F. } Upyures added that "recent charges of discrimination and sexual } harrassment have nothing to do with this move. These charges are } coming from disgruntled Questioners, who are naturally upset at the } news. These allegations have no basis in fact. This layoff is } strictly economic in nature. I'm sure, that after reviewing our } severance package, you'll see that we really care for our Questioners." } Details of the severance package will be announced at a later time. } Upyures noted that, after reviewing UO's financial status, that further } layoffs may be necessary before UO can pull itself out of its slump. } } Stock prices for UO, Ltd, went up 3 3/4 points as Wall Street heard } rumors of this layoff. "I'm sure this is good for the long term health } of USENET Oracle," said Mun E. Grubber, an analyst with the firm of } Networthy and Upyures. } } End of Release #12345 --- 376-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, great Oracle, whos O should always be written in capitals and > whos Caps Lock key never sticks, please tell me. > > Why does Father Christmas wear Red clothing? > And how does such a portly gentleman fit down such small chimneys? > > I await the answer to this question with anticipation... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay, I've been found out. } } I'm sure it started when you noticed I don't answer any questions } between Christmas Eve and Dec 26. And then, in the recent } Oracularities, you noticed that I have privledges to run "goodbad." } } Okay, world, I'll admit it, I AM SANTA CLAUS! } } I wear red clothes because Lisa likes to -- I mean Lisa likes them. } And dammit, the next time somebody says I'm fat, they get NOTHING! --- 376-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle! Oracle whose feet I am not worthy to smell! (Thank > heavens!) Oracle whose tush I am not worthy to wipe! (Praise be!) > Oracle whose nose I am not worthy to pick! (Save the chunky pieces > for me, though!) I humbly beg of thee.... > > ....Why won't Lisa sleep with me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Strange, isn't it, the way some people can make their grovelling sound } like insults (or is it the other way round - insults that sound like } grovelling?)... "Thank heavens" for not smelling my feet, indeed! Well, } a question's a question, so I suppose I'll have to answer it... } } Oracle: Lisa! } } Lisa: Yeees, Orrie? } } O: Why don't you want to sleep with this guy? } L: Who? Oh, *him*. Why should I? } O: Well, you usually want to sleep with most guys... } L: (giggles) Yeah, but not _all_ guys... (giggles) } Actually, there are lots of reasons - ten of them, I think. } O: Could you write them down for him? } L: Sure! } } *** Lisa's Top Ten Reasons For Not Sleeping With (name deleted) *** } } * Cuz I'm the Net.sex.goddess, and I don't have sex with mere mortals } like you. Unless there's a really good reason, of course (like no } nice immortals within a twenty feet distance). } } * Even if I sleep with a mere mortal like you, I'd just *never* do it } with a computer geek like you - computers are *such* a turnoff. } Unless there's a real good reason, of course, like there's only } computer geeks around within a 20 feet distance. } } * You're the kind of guy who tries to stare down the cleavage of women, } to check if they're wearing a bra. And I *don't* like to have my } lingerie drooled on (when I wear any). } } * If you take a look at yourself in a mirror, you'd undrestand that } noone would like to sleep with you if she wasn't blindfolded. But of } course, having sex blindfolded can be *soo* fun. } } * Before I'd even think about doing such a thing, you'd have to do } something about that breath of yours. Do you know what a toothbrush } is? } } * And, you'd need to do something about those pimples, too. } } * You're being nasty to poor Orrie - he's a bit silly about all that } grovelling, I know, but I think you could be a bit nicer than } that... Didn't you notice how sad you made him? } } O: Well, actually, sad isn't the right word. I'd rather say you have } awakened my Divine Wrath! } L: Oh Orrie, you sure have a way with words! But I know some part of } you I'd rather awaken... (giggles) } O: Not now, please - we've got work to do! } L: OK, one more reason: } } * I know I'm into some pretty kinky stuff at times (all the time, } actually), but there are limits - I mean, do you think I'd like to } sleep with a geek who *eats* the "chunky pieces" out of someone's } nose? Yeccch! That's *gross*! } } So, that's it: Lisa's Top Ten Reasons For Not Sleeping With (name } deleted)! } } O: Sorry to disappoint you, Liss, but that's only seven reasons... } L: Oh, you know, Orrie, I've never been very good at math... But I know } something funnier to do right now... } (strange noises) } O: Ohh! Hey, that's great, but could you just give me a second to } finish off the answer... } } So, there you are, now you know Lisa's reasons for not sleeping with } you. Also, let me add that even if Lisa would consent to sleep with } you, the only thing she'd do would be sleep - she's so easily bored... } } [The Oracle apologizes for the blatant sexual stereotypes and the lack } of Political Correctness (tm) in this Oracularity, but after all Lisa } *is* a tramp] } } You owe the Oracle a 33 MHz 80486SX system, running OS/2 2.0 *and* } Unix. You owe Lisa a first grade math textbook. --- 376-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > o oracle,you are so cool. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, yes, I know. } } You owe the Oracle a trained moose-and-squirrel show. --- 376-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Didn't you notice that we are only 5 mortals asking questions to each > others ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Incestuous, isn't it? } } Yes, the Usenet Oracle has fallen prey to the greatest usurper of humor } in existence: cliquishness. Note the Oracularity below, which received } a rating of 4.97 on a 5-point scale: } } >The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } > } >>Lisa! Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy! Sex! Lisa! Unix! } > } >And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > } >>Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy! Sex! Unix! Lisa! Lisa! } } Clearly some "in jokes" are being used here. } } You owe the Oracle your chess-champ roommate, who is funnier than you. --- 376-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis 'Hammersmith' Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How come Roach motels always seem to have a vacancy sign out front? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The popular belief about Roach motels, once they began to take over } the suburban landscape in the late 1960's, was that Roaches would } check in, but not check out. } } Originally, this was the case. However, when the market became } saturated about half-way into Reagan's first term competition forced } the motels to use other lures than just plain vacancy to attract } customers. } } Two Words: Free Cable. } } So, nowadays it is more appropriate to say: 'Roaches check in, then } invite all their friends in to watch late night skin flicks on Free } Cable TV.' } } As to the still present vacancy signs, even the Oracle knows that you } can't have too many Roaches at a party. } } You owe the Oracle a Gideon Bible. --- 376-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116@oasis.icl.co.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most masterfully magnificent, wonderfully witty, supremely > sagacious, fantastically flirtatious, and potently pwerful Oracle, > where, oh where does belly button lint come from, and what purpose does > it serve? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Long ago, when I was just a wee Oracle, I used to watch my father } operate that great machine, the Human-Piece-Glutamate, continuing in } the Oracle tradition of providing superior people to populate the } universe with. While the units were generally acceptable, many } complained of a servere problem: Once they shut down, they couldn't be } restarted. Yes, the lazy creatures just fell asleep and wouldn't wake } up. So, the wise committee worked together to solve this problem, and } much Coca-Cola was consumed. Finally, my own father did propose a start } button, which would fit nicely onto people's belly. } } Oh, belly button LINT? Why, what a stupid question! I don't know why } I even wasted my time on one of your questions. Foolish mortal. } } You owe the Oracle a set of tapes on short-term memory improvement.