From oracle-request Mon Nov 18 09:19:04 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 18 Nov 91 09:19:04 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #374 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 374 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #374 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 18 Nov 91 09:19:04 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 374 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 369 27 votes c9510 35a54 0c951 25d52 0d491 b6820 13599 1b870 07e51 77a30 369 2.8 mean 1.8 3.1 2.8 3.0 2.9 2.0 3.8 2.8 3.0 2.3 --- 374-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear oracle, > > Have you any plans for saturday night? If not, how about a date? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As a matter of fact I do .... and I prefer figs! --- 374-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose resplendant splendor lends itself to imitation, please > offer any iota of guidance you can spare on a problem I, your humble > devotee, have: > > How many Amway representatives were going to St. Ives? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } None. That's just what they told their spouses. They were } actually packing their Ray-Bans and their Meyers Rum recipes for } an exciting, fun-filled weekend in St. Maartin! } } The only problem was, the island was already crawling with } representatives from Mary Kay, Herbalife and Nu-Skin, and you } couldn't book a damn hotel room. So the Amwayites (a close } relation to the Mennonites and the rustic Amish) devised the } clever plan of trying to OUT-PYRAMID THE PHAROES by selling Amway } to the other multi-level-marketing representatives and saving up } enough collectively to buy the Dutch out of their half of the } island. } } They had visions and they had dreams. First they thought they'd } just buy the hotel, then they thought they'd buy a block with } casinos and bars, and by the time they were finished spending the } money they hadn't made yet, they were the lieges of their own, } private fiefdom! This would have worked well, but by the time } the first night was over everyone had sold so aggressively to } achieve their dreams that they were all Diamond and Platinum } Executive Lifetime Partners, but there wasn't a lot of hard, cold } cash going around, so the whole system collapsed. Remember 1929? } Remember Woodie Guthrie? Remember what it was like to have a } REAL job? } } I suppose there would have been a spicy subtext of adulterous } fornication under the stars in the jasmine-drenched breezes of } the islands, but have you ever gotten a close look at your } typical Amway representative? We're talking nothing short of } liposuction required just to qualify for a long pair of walking } shorts! All in all it was an unsatisfactory weekend, but a few } beehived women got pink Cadillacs, which is arguably a fair } substitute for other forms of satisfaction. } } You owe the Oracle a $3,000 "starter kit" and Jim Bakker's } outreach partners' address. --- 374-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Miss Oracle, who owns all the particles in the world, > > Last week my cat returned home with a new tail. > Yesterday, when I woke up I noticed a bright blue square on my > left hand. This morning 5 small yellow dots appeared on my legs. > Now there are two cows flying around my head. What is going on? > And who are those little orange people running around? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh dear, you have got problems. It seems you are at the center of } localized Reality Breakdown. Let's take this one step at a time. } } First of all, you seem to have Schroedinger's cat. As your physicists } will discover in about 50 years, the resolution of that old paradox is } "the cat is alive, but it has a new tail." } } You should not have noticed this discrepancy in the cat, as it could } throw the whole timetable of scientific discovery into confusion, which } in turn would have dramatic effects on the entire future history of the } Universe. Small changes tend to cascade into big ones, and if left } unchecked this would result in a box of animal crackers being elected } president in 1996. } } So the Reality Adjusters (also called Quantum Mechanics) were sent to } fix things. These are the little orange people you see. While you } slept the night before last they attempted to remove your knowledge of } the cat's change and disable your ability to see quantum reality. They } thought they had succeeded, and stamped you with the Department of } Reality Corrections seal of quality workmanship (the blue square on } your hand). } } However, as with most civil servants they did a substandard job, and } the knowledge and perception which could alter all of Creation remained } in your head. So the Mechanics were sent to have another go at it. If } you look at the yellow dots on your legs a little more closely, you } will realize they have little groves in them. In fact, they are } screws. The mechanics were in the processes of opening the access } panels to your quantum perception center (which is in the legs, not the } brain, for reasons too complicated to go into now). However, you woke } up too early this morning and they had to leave without either } correcting the problem or covering the screws back up. } } So now not only have you glimpsed the true workings of the Universe, } you have seen the incompetence of those who run it. This has } compounded the problem a billion fold, causing further breakdown in the } structure of logic in your immediate vicinity. Hence the cows. } } I'm afraid this is only going to get worse. Next it will be elks } jumping out of your breakfast cereal, your head drifting off on } business of its own, and eventually reality will be so mucked up that } cold fusion will work, ms-dos will become useful, and Jimmy Swaggart } will become truly virtuous. } } The only way you can stop this is to dull your extra-normal perceptions } back to the dim level that most humans live at. The Oracle would } suggest several hours of "Brady Bunch" reruns and top-forty radio, } which is guaranteed to knock out all those parts of your brain that } have inconveniently started working. } } You owe the Oracle a large quark. --- 374-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why Bud Dry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, that's a very intriguing question. The Budweiser Corp. } test-marketed Bud Wet in several locations, but sales were poor. } It was followed by Bud Damp, Bud Slightly Damp, Bud A Little Bit } Soggy, Bud Moist, and finally the Bud Dry we all know and love. } I still prefer Miller Genuine Draft, myself. } } You owe the Oracle a six-pack of Miller Genuine Draft. No, come to } think of it, I'll have a Heineken. --- 374-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, who's merest operational parameters I am not worthy to > contemplate, who's net worth is beyond the comprehension of even Bill > Gates, please help me. > > I've been having a great deal of trouble with my life as of late. > Whenever I start to do some useful work or anything interes > > Segmentation Fault (core dumped) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a question which has been troubling man since the invention of } the Rubik's Cube. However, I shall take the time to answer your } question. The reason you are having trouble with your life as of late } is simply because of your short mortal attention span. Now take me for } instance. I am never distracted by anything so foolish as } } Message Aborted --- 374-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is this whole thing about? Help me out please! I'm a beginner! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, the first time around it can be a little painful. It is } important to have someone who is understanding and caring involved } in the whole process. I recommend a good friend of the opposite } sex, excluding relatives who are first cousins or closer, of course. } Also, an egg-beater can enhance things quite significantly. } } You owe the Oracle the 1992 Guide to Kama Sutra. --- 374-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr (or Ms.) Oracle, > > I was wondering if Santa was going to send me all those > presents I had requested because I have been such a good boy this year? > > Greedily Dreaming And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Mr. Dreaming, } } Hmmm... Let me check.. } } telnet santa.workshop.north.pole } Trying... } Connected to santa.workshop.north.pole } Escape character is ^] } } login:Oracle } Password: } } Welcome to Toystore... } } $cd /santa/data/boys (Of course the Oracle has access) } $goodbad } } Who's been good and who's been bad. } Enter name or alias: Greedily Dreaming } Searching... } Found. } } Name: xxxxxxxx xxxxxx } Alias: Greedily Dreaming } Good Rating: 154 } Bad Rating: 167 } Balance: -13 } Special Characteristics: Incurable liar -5 } Spends too much time in front of computer -3 } Doesn't grovel before Oracle -40 } Adjusted balance: -61 } Number of toys this year: none } } Enter name or alias: none } Goodbye } $exit } $logout } } Connection terminated by foreign host... } } Well, I guess that's pretty self explanatory. Better luck next year. } } You owe the Oracle a partridge in a pear tree. --- 374-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How did you do that with the mail? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Very much as I did with the femail; A little wine, some soft music, } satin sheets. All that was required was a slight change of perspective } and orientation. --- 374-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great Oracle, when I asked you how to get the girl of my dreams, > you suggested a powerful aphrodisiac. Uh, where do I get one of those? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First off, don't go running off to Africa to get powered rhino horn. } That's just a myth, and besides, it's pretty anti-social and not to } mention pretty rude. } } One powerful aphrodisiac is to become famous. } } Witness: } } 1) Ted Kennedy } } All he had to do was: } } A) Become a US Senator. } B) Walk around without his pants. } C) Watch women flock to him. } } 2) Madonna } } All she had to do was: } } A) Become a movie star. } B) Walk around without his pants. } C) Watch men flock to her. } } 3) Dan Quayle } } All he had to do was: } } A) Become a vice president. } B) Walk around without his pants. } C) Watch everyone make fun of him. } } *Hmmm...that last one didn't quite make it....well, there are } exceptions to every rule... } } Well, anyway you get the idea. First, become famous, walk around } without your pants, and get the babes. } } You owe the Oracle a flash in the pan. --- 374-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please Oh Calculating One > > How do I get her attention?? > > I want her SO bad........ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, what I recommend is slamming a chocolate cream pie into } her face as hard as you can when she walks by. This is fairly } certain to get her attention. If you still don't have her } attention, drop your pants and scream in her ear "LOOK WHAT I } GOT, BABY!" If you STILL don't have her attention, start pounding } on her toes repeatedly with a sledgehammer, watching her face } intently so you can see when you have her attention. If all this } fails, then she is unfortunately dead, and all efforts to gain } her attention are likely to meet with failure. } } Now that you have her attention, what are you going to do with it? } } You owe the Oracle a slice of chocolate cream pie.