From oracle-request Mon Nov 4 17:28:51 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 4 Nov 91 17:28:51 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #367 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 367 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #367 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 4 Nov 91 17:28:51 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 367 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 362 20 votes 17921 05762 77231 56612 02774 02468 02666 23933 15842 17741 362 3.1 mean 2.8 3.3 2.2 2.5 3.7 4.0 3.8 3.1 3.0 2.8 --- 367-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who' right for me? > > I like girls with > > long dirty blonde hair. > about 5'9" > light brown eyes > a big "personality" > > Who am I looking for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Welcome to "Who's My Date?", the gameshow that matches YOU with the } mate of your dreams!!! And here's your host, the Usenet Oracle!!! } } [applause] } } "Welcome everyone to the fabulous gameshow, 'Who's My Date?'. Today's } contestant has chosen to remain anonymous, so we'll just call him } Billy-Bob. Welcome, Billy-Bob!" } } "Uh... Hi there Oracle." } } "So, are you ready to find out who's the woman for you?" } } "Oooh, yeah!" } } "Great! You've already specified your preferences, but for the sake of } the viewing audience, tell us what they were, Billy-Bob." } } "Ok... I'm looking for someone with long dirty blonde hair, about } 5'9", light brown eyes, and a PERSONALITY!!!" } } "Hmm... Sounds a lot like MY girlfriend, but she's not on our show } today so we'll just have to fire up the old computer here and match you } up with one of our other contestants." } } "Great, Oracle. I'm anxious to see who is picked!" } } "Ok. We'll just feed this information to the program, and hit } ENTER..." } } [sound of computer accessing tapes, disks, hard drives, printers, } modems, plotters, and a variety of other I/O devices] } } "Well, it seems the computer has come up with two people for you!!! I } must remind you that because of a limited number of people available, } you can't always get exactly what you requested. Do you understand } this Billy-Bob?" } } "Uh... I guess, Oracle." } } "Ok, the envelope please!........ Uh..... Well, Billy-Bob, the first } selection is, Grace Jones." } } "Um..." } } "Ok, Billy-Bob. You can either keep Grace, or turn her down for the } second selection. I must remind you that should you turn down Grace, } you must go out with the second person. What do you want to do?" } } "I think I'll go with the second choice, Oracle." } } "OK... So, instead of Grace Jones, you'll be having a date with.... } Julia Childs!!!!!" } } "Ack!!! Gasp!!!" } } "Ed, tell Billy-Bob where he and Julia will be going for their date!" } } "Ok, Oracle. Billy-Bob, you and Julia will spend a fabulous week for } two in beautiful North Korea!!! Yes, you and... Hey! Where is he } going!!!" } } "I'm outa here!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" } } "Hey, Billy-Bob, you have to go out with Julia!!!" } } "No way man..." } } [door slams] } } "Well folks! This has been another riveting episode of 'Who's My } Date?' See you next time when we have as our contestant, Dan Quayle!" } } [corny music] } } You owe the Oracle a date with Paulina Poriskova. --- 367-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise Oracle, who knows who put the bomp in the bomp-shoo- > bomp (shoo-bomp), please tell me what's going to be on the exam. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The exam,my friend,will cover everything from the Fall of the Roman } Empire to the Fall of the House of Usher. } It'll cover everything from Paul Revere to Paul Prudhomme. } Everything from David Copperfield to David Bowie. } From the War of 1812 to "2001". } From the Laws of Integration to the Law of Gravity } From West coast geography to East coast pornography. } From equal rights to incandescent lights. } From the civil war to "What is a whore?" } From Canada to Dry. } From George Bush to "How to get some bush" } From Dan Quayle to "Henry the snail" } From Garfield the cat to "understanding DAT" } From A to 42 inclusive. } } But I shan't bore you any longer. I'll give you a hint: } } Study as much as you can. } Whatever you neglect to study will be included on the exam. } } Time limit: 2 agonizing hours. } } You owe the Oracle a full 3 minutes of sexual gratification. --- 367-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear MR ORACLE, > > You may already have won $1,000,000. Just scratch off the silvery > bits on the enclosed card. If you reveal three "$" symbols, then you > have won $1,000,000! Also enclosed is a copy of the Mitsushita Hifi > catalogue. If you order any Hifi system over $300, you will recieve a > free Mitsushita Personal Cassette Player!* > > Do not hesitate, MR ORACLE, to claim the $1,000,000, you must reply > by 31st October. > > yours, > Mr. A. Conman, > Promotional Manager, > Mitsushita Hifi. > > * Mitsushita PC100, with volume control. ($5.99) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it seems that I still have about 364 days time to answer so } there's no hurry. Thanks anyway. $1,000,000 is always welcome. I am } quite short of pocket money right now. } } Because this was so generous an offer you owe me this time nothing but } a free Mitsushita Personal Cassette Player with a Manual. --- 367-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh all-knowing Oracle, explain this paradox to me: > > Three men split the cost of a thirty-dollar hotel room. Later, the > manager realized the room was only $25 and sent an employee to their > room with the refund. This person, realizing that they can't split > the $5 evenly, keeps two dollars and gives them three. Now each man > has $9, totaling $27, and the servant has $2. Where is the other > dollar? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I'm really glad someone brought this up. I meant to handle it a } long time ago, but being very busy, I couldn't. } } As of 1/11/1991, Robert M. Gluckenspiel of Eliot, Maine is the } current owner of the dollar. Mr. Gluckenspiel is a ship captain. } Before him, Robert D. Glockenspiel, a NYC taxi driver had it. } According to our estimates, in the next few days, the dollar will } once more change hands and will become the property of Robert K. } Glookkenspil of Dover, New Hampshire. My advice to you is to write to } Mr. Gluckenspiel before he loses the dollar and ask him to send it to } you. Once you get the dollar, you can send it to the hotel owner, } Mr. Robert X. Gluk. Mr Gluk is in financial difficulties and would } greatly appreciate such a nice gest. } } You owe the Oracle The Dollar. --- 367-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle, she who knows all, who has enlightened us with her > wisdom, do tell me this, please. Are there any cereals better than > Heavy Cream Retaining Walls? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, there are none better (trust me, I've tried them all)! I } once thought that Krunchy Krunchy Klingons were better, because of } their mysterious flavor and texture. I then discovered that Krunchy } Krunchy Klingons were made with all-natural, healthy, whole-wheat } ingredients, so I, of course, immediately stopped eating them. } However, Heavy Cream Retaining Walls are made with such great, tasty } ingredients as 4-month old curdled cream (a lot of it; that's why it's } so "Heavy") and cement (which also makes it "Heavy"). Mmmm, it makes } my mouth water just thinking about it. The only drawback with Heavy } Cream Retaining Walls is that you need to bring a large forklift with } you to the store so that you can get the stuff home. Of course, who } doesn't own a forklift, right? Once you get the stuff home, you are } all set to enjoy the best taste sensation imaginable! Just scoop a } generous supply of the cement powder mixture into a large bowl, then } add cream and stir until the powder is disolved. You must then eat the } completed Heavy Cream Retaining Walls mixture within 10 minutes, or it } will harden a bit too much (this can do BAD things to your teeth!). } Then just savor the delicious flavor and aroma. Heavy Cream Retaining } walls not only tastes great, but it fills you up fast, and keeps you } going all day long. } Heavy Cream Retaining Walls is available in sizes of 1, 2, 4, 10, } and 25 tons. If your local grocery store (or building supply store) } doesn't carry Heavy Cream Retaining Walls, then you can mail-order it } direct from the manufacturer. Here is the necessary information you } will need for ordering: } } Orders Only: 1-800-SO-HEAVY } Questions: 1-800-THE-WALL } } Prices: } 1 ton $50.00 + $500.00 shipping & handling } 2 tons $75.00 + $850.95 shipping & handling } 4 tons $135.99 + $1000.00 shipping & handling } 10 tons $250.33 + $1999.01 shipping & handling } 25 tons $434.12 + $2532.19 shipping & handling } } VISA, MasterCard, and Discover accepted. } } Anyone ordering more than 100 tons will receive a 5% discount! } } Address: } Heavy Cream Retaining Walls } OMEGA (R) Corporation } ATTN: Ordering Dept. } P.O. Box 9999 } Battle Creek, MI 10184 } } [OMEGA (R) Corporation is a Registered Trademark of the US Postal } Service, ACME Cement Company, Lotta Rock Dairy, Robert Seace } Industries, and the Usenet Oracle Foundation.] } } Send in your orders today! --- 367-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great great great great great great great great great great great > great great great great great great great great great great great > great great great great great great great great great great great > great great great great great great great great great great great > great great great great great great great great great great great > all powerful Oracle who's girlfriend is better than Samantha Fox > naked and on drugs (notice how I've snuck in sex, drugs, and rock&roll) > tell me oh wonderous great great great great great great great great > great great great great great great great great great great great > great great great great and powerful all knowing being: > > What was I going to ask? After all that groveling I've seemed to > have forgotten. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You were going to ask the square root of 81. The answer answer answer } answer answer answer answer answer answer answer answer answer answer } answer answer answer answer answer answer answer answer is 9. } } The second part of question was "Do I ever get tired of answering } questions like the above?" The the answer answer is is definitely } definitely not not. You you mortals mortals really really need need my } my advice advice. } } (oops, got that recursive algorithm stuck in high gear again!) } } You owe the oracle some good sex, drugs and rock rock rock rock 'n } roll. --- 367-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does he do it? I mean really,how does he do it!? > I've been a fan for years,but I just can't answer this one question : > "How does he do it!?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It appears that who you meant by "he" is not present for the } same reason that there is no groveling. I will give you the benefit } of the doubt and assume something got eaten by some unscrupulous } e-mail program. Now I'll have to use my crystal ball to find out who } you are referring to... } } Hmmm... the crystal.ball server seems to be acting flaky today, I'll } have to take some potshots... } } Houdini uses mirrors. } George Bush uses pre-emptive air strikes. } Dan Quayle uses a lava lamp. } Bill Gates uses twenties and hundreds. } Steve Kinzler and Ringo Starr use a little help from their friends. } Mike Jordan uses Nikes. } Picard uses the StarFleet handbook. } The professor uses hand-waving. } The root uses daemons. } and it just comes natural for Jack Nicholson. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Easy How-To Book". --- 367-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your question seems deceivingly simply on the surface but if one } does not stay on that level but instead probes deeper to discover the } real meaning of your querry you can start to dig into the deepest } mysteries of the cosmos. If you have the courage, your question leads } one to wonder about things like God, the cosmos, the secrets of } eternity, Dick Clark's hair etc... } But then you realize that this is all pretentious philosophical } masturbation and cut to the chaser.... } } Not much is up on this end, how about with you? --- 367-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To BSD or not to BSD That is the question. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, like the greatest of literature, this Shakesperean } question shall be marked down as one to include in an upcoming } local play, which will no doubt be done in a small outdoor } "in the park" theater during a winter blizzard. Thank you for } your contribution to the arts. } } You owe the Oracle an overcoat. --- 367-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise Oracle, answer me this question: > > Why is it that languages like C use an underscore for the breaks > between words in identifiers, but languages like LISP use hyphens? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When inexperienced languages like LISP grow into developed mature } languages like C,they lose their hyphen. } } In fact,some LISP's have lost their hyphen while simply riding a bike!