From oracle-request Sat Nov 2 11:15:07 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 2 Nov 91 11:15:07 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #366 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 366 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #366 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 2 Nov 91 11:15:07 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 366 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 361 20 votes 25823 16562 27551 56630 035a2 65720 14762 04b41 1d420 25841 361 2.9 mean 3.0 3.1 2.8 2.3 3.5 2.3 3.2 3.1 2.3 2.8 --- 366-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, who is so great and wonderful that nobody would > even dare consider making a sitcom with you as the main character, > please tell me... > > If all the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players, > where the hell can I find the guy who wrote my part and get him to > add a few sex scenes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The guy who wrote your part did add a few sex scenes. } It's just that none of them involve you. } } Try watching some "Nature in Action" films. } } You owe the Oracle a complete script from an Amber Lynn movie ( with } all "Oooh"'s, "Aaah"'s, "Harder"'s and "That's it baby"'s included. --- 366-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, mighty oracle, > Oh oracle, great oracle, > Oh oracle, wise oracle, > Oh oracle, etc oracle, > Grant me an answer to this question, I beg of you. > > What is the ending to the saying which starts: > If "if"s and "and"s were pots and pans......? > > Your loving supplicant, > Me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If "if"s and "and"s were pots and pans } And life a bowl of cream } Then dictionaries would be quite strange } And not quite all they seem } } The world would be rectangular } We all would cook on gas } Examinations would be hard } But all of us would pass } } The dedicated high court judge } Would be both just and fair } And wouldn't ever think to mix } Some coke with pubic hair } } World leaders would be quite sane } Including T. Dan Quayle } Saddam Hussein to insignifi- } Cance would quickly pale } } The Oracle would get great praise } And not the word "etcetera" } Grovelling would be the norm } (What the hell rhymes with "etcetera"?) } } Money would be a thing of the past } We all would trade in cheese } Atlantis - it would rise again } They'd all catch colds and sneeze } } But "if"s and "and"s aren't pots and pans } They're only little words } And so we come to the end of the rhyme } 'Twas really quite absurd. } } You owe the Oracle the Oxford English Dictionary in braille. --- 366-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise Oracle, who solves the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle > in the span of a heartbeat, who realized the folly of disco even before > the Crimean War, who spake the words "It must have been her father" > upon the first airing of Twin Peaks, tell me this: what should I say > in the conclusion of my paper? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Since I detect no problems in your grovelling ability, I will offer } a few suggestions for you. } } -----CLIP AND SAVE------------------------------------------------ } 10 Ways to get an 'A' on every paper. } (Simply end your paper with one of these.) } } 1) The professor owes the student an 'A.' (In best oracle fashion) } 2) ....and they lived happily ever after. } 3) THE END } 4) PS: You're on TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes. } 5) "I'll be back!" (Hit the weight room first.) } 6) How about a song? } 7) A marriage proposal. } 8) A twist of lemon is always nice. } 9) $250 in small bills. } 10) A horse's head. } } Each of these is ideal when dealing with the right professor. } Using more than one method on the same paper at the same time } is considered gauche, even for the Oracle. } ----------CLIP AND SAVE------------------------------------------ } } You owe the Oracle two footnotes. --- 366-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the meaning of life ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, to dispense my priceless wisdom and pearls of knowledge to the } poor unfortunate net geeks who need it oh so desperately, and to have } a rip-roaring good time while doing it, of course! } } Oh, wait. You meant YOUR life, right? Mwahahahahahahaha! What's the } meaning of YOUR life? Right! } } HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA } HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. . . . } } >repeat and fade out< --- 366-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty and wise one, who understands the mysteries of > Gorby's red spot and who knows how old Dick Clarck *really* is, I have > but a small favor to ask: > > How do I get the women > ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My son, this is not a small favor. This question has been bothering } mankind for centuries. This is the reason man invented pick-up lines. } Some work, some don't. Here is a pick up line that is guaranteed. } } You meet a girl in a bar. You're into some casual conversation and you } discover that she video tapes Oprah Winfrey everyday. She even calls } Ms. Winfrey, "my girl." The pick-up line that will always works is, } } "Men are scum." } } You are at a church retreat and you're really hot for this young thing } in cutoffs. The pick-up line that will always work is, } } "Why yes, sister! Of course I know Jesus!!" (Must be said } enthusiastically) } } Now, there are other pick-up lines that do not work well. For } example... } } You are at a football come and some bright, bouncy cheerleader comes } flitting by, her mini-skirt catching the breeze. Never say, } } "Nice pom-poms" } } You are at a Greatful Dead concert. The girl selling the tie-dyes } looks at you and smiles. Never go to her and say, } } "Wanna take a ride in my Mercedes?" } } Anyway, you get the idea. The trick is to find pick-up lines that work } for you. As much as women don't like to think so, they are still an } integral part of relationships in the 90's and will be forever more. } } You owe the oracle a rational explanation as to why Gorby's birthmark } makes him the antichrist. --- 366-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Orclae! Most wise and sagacious, fount of all perspicacity and > enlightenment in this otherwise dark and miserable world, how come > I can never type Olacer properly? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The problem lies in your technique, dear child. You just need a } little encouragement! Let's give it a little practice, shall we? } } Now, first off, your stance is all wrong. Spread your feet apart } about a shoulder's width. Ready? Here it comes! } ----> "Oclrea!" STRIKE ONE! } } Ok, ok, next step. Choke up on the bat a little. Ready? GO! } ----> "Olarce!" STRIKE TWO! A little closer. The 'C' moved } closer to the end where it belongs. } } Allright, now. Keep your eye on the ball and just relax. Ready? } ----> "Orlcae!" FOUL BALL! Things are starting to line up. } See there? You got the tip of it! } } Now you need to....HEY! Take that gum out of your mouth!!!! } ----> "ORACLE!" HOME RUN! The Cubs win the pennant! } } You owe the Oracle a week of batting practice with the Braves. --- 366-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, mighty Oracle, please answer a question from your humble > supplicant. > > I need to find $5,000 by Friday, or they'll kill me. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your options are listed below. Please chose the one you like best. } If you want more than $5000, use several of these methods. } } 1) Steal. Warning: illegal and dangerous. } 2) Beg. Not advised, it might take very long to collect $5000. } 3) Borrow. Out of the question, that's how you got into this s**t in } the first place. } 4) Work. Not advised, very tiring, and not a lot of fun. } 5) Win the lottery. Strongly advised. } 6) Save the life of a millionaire, then ask him to give you $5000. } 7) Invent something. Then sell it for $5000. } 8) Kidnap someone, then ask for $5000 from his/her } wife/husband/child/parents/whomever cares. Warning: a really bad } thing to do. } 9) Blackmail. Take dirty pictures of someone and threaten him/her to } show these to someone who gives a s**t. Illegal, of course. } 10) Star in porn movies. Lotsa fun, but you might die of heart } failure, if you are over 45. } 11) Prostitution. Also fun, but a little dangerous. Use condoms each } and every time. } 12) Sell your soul to devil. Not advised, worse than dying. } 13) Work for S & L. } 14) Start a guerilla movement against a comunist government. Then ask } George Bush for help. } 15) Go to Middle East. Make a new country. Find oil. Sell. } 16) Go to Middle East. Make a new country. Start war against Iraq. } Ask the United States for help. } 17) Go to Europe. Start your own country. Enter the EC. They'll } help you. } 18) If you are white, go to South Africa and get into the slave } business. } 19) If you have a religion, become a televangelist. } 20) If you have no religion, start your own cult. } 21) Contact the mafia. } 22) Buy an apple. Sell it for the price of two. Repeat until rich. } 23) Start your own 900 telephone line. } 24) Throw yourself in front of a car, then sue the guy. } 25) Put water in the tank of your car, then sue the company for not } making it clear that water would harm your vehicle. } 26) If you can't find a reason, sue someone for no reason. You might } get lucky. } 27) Become an actor. } 28) Become a sports star. } 29) Become a ... } } Well, if you have read this far, that means you are in *big* trouble. } Here's my suggestion: open a hole in your shirt. Put lots of ketchup } on yourself. Catch flies and let them lose in your house. Produce an } offensive smell. A dead rat will do fine for this. Take your gun in } your hand. Fire a blank shot. Then slowly throw yourself to the } ground. Wait till your neighbors or your ennemies arrive. Don't } move, they will go away, because they wouldn't want to be involved. } You are now saved. } } You owe the oracle $5000. You have until friday to pay. --- 366-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116@oasis.icl.co.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh noble and sliming Oracle, do tell me this, please. Are there any > cereals better than Rye Lumps? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. Only Rye Lumps make that pleasant squishy sound when they hit } the ceiling, walls, or the back of someone's head. } } You owe the Oracle a Kellogg's Variety Pack. --- 366-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderful Oracle, who is so really wonderful, please help me > out of this dilemma: > > I have signed a contract to move a piano from one room to another > for 5 pounds. One room is in the Louvre Museum (Paris) and the > other is in a flat in London. At the moment I am far away > from both of these. I can't afford a lawyer on 5 pounds, and they > are threatening to "sue me for breach of contract". > > Thanks And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well my advise to is "What's good for the goose is good for the guy } that cooks the goose". Since you got te worst out of the deal by not } reading the fine print so to speak, see if you can dish out the same } treatment. here are a few suggestions for places in the contract } where loopholes might be found. } } 1) does the contract say anything about whether the piano should be } in one piece? It would certainly make it easy to carry if you } could break the piano up into wires, boards, and small pieces of } felt. You can ask your friends to help you out whenever they take } a trip from France to London } } 2) does the contract say anything about how long you have to take? } Maybe if you take 10 or twenty years to move the piano maybe 5 } pounds will be worth more than it is now. } } 3) does the contract say what kind of state the piano has to be in } when it is finally delivered? If you were to, for example, burn } the piano when you were at the Louvre, it would be more worth your } while to carry the ashes but if you gave them a suitable story } about your dead grandmother I'm sur they will let you by with } little difficulty. } } Hope I have been of some help --- 366-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle, please answer my unworthy question so I may continue > on with my pathetic life. > > I have studied the creationist and evolutionist views of the human > race, and I can understand both views, however it is the Twinkie (tm) > that confuses me the most. Was it created by something I cannot > comprehend or did it somehow evolve into the incredible multi-purpose > sponge cake we know it as today, and if so could you please explain the > evolutionary chain. > > I eagerly await your answer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Twinkies, Twinkies, Twinkies! What is it about Twinkies that so } fascinates you people? Every thirty-first question I get asked } is about Twinkies. That makes it the second most popular use of } my amazing powers, just below foretelling personal destinies } and above explaining the success of New Kids on the Block. } } Twinkies are JUST A SNACK FOOD! Sure, they've got a shelf life } of twenty-seven hundred years, but so does seed corn and honey } wine. When was the last time anyone asked me about honey wine? } About twenty-seven hundred years ago, that's when; Bacchus } asked me if I could stash a bottle for him where his wife } couldn't find it. I've still got it around, someplace. } } Anyway, there is nothing mystical about Twinkies, except for } the hold it has over your imaginations. Yes, yes, I know it's } perfect for cleaning up soft drink spills, and that if you } stick Gummi Bears in the creme filling holes you can play } submarine in the bathtub. I also know that you can use the } sponge cake in a passable mock apple pie, and that someone } once plotted to murder her husband by suffocating him in a } bowl of the creme filling. But there's nothing mysterious in } any of this; when faced with the option of eating a Twinkie, } people are naturally going to seek alternate uses. } } My advice is to let this Twinkie thing go. Oh, and Spam, too; } that's number five on the list of questions, and frankly the } attention is undeserved. } } You owe the Oracle a box of Ding Dongs and a glass of milk.