From oracle-request Thu Oct 17 08:52:10 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 17 Oct 91 08:52:10 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #359 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 359 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #359 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 17 Oct 91 08:52:10 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 359 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 354 21 votes 43752 55920 37641 14961 15852 77421 17562 08670 55632 12657 354 2.9 mean 2.9 2.4 2.7 3.1 3.1 2.2 3.0 3.0 2.6 3.7 --- 359-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116.icl.icl.gold_400.GB@oasis.icl.co.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do houses require more money to be spent on them than wives do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They do??????!!!!! --- 359-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you spell relief? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The proper way to spell relief is } } I-a-m-n-o-t-r-e-a-l-l-y-p-r-e-g-n-a-n-t } } You'll find that there are very few things which provide more relief. } } You owe the oracle an EPT. --- 359-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is my penis so large? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You lack of sniveling and the superficial coarseness and stupidity } of your worthless question brought me within a hair's breadth of } turning you into a patty melt, my presumptuous supplicant. } } However, at the last moment, it occured to me that your question must } be encrypted or something, since the actual size of your miserable } pecker doesn't seem to (snicker) warrant the attention of an immortal. } } I turned to Qabbalistic analysis of your query to ascertain the True } Question lurking there. Henceforth, some possible rearrangements } of your wanker-query, "Why is my penis so large:": } } 15. Yo, whimpering lass -- yes! } 14. Yeh, wipe my gross nails! . } 13. Igor Ylenes, whip my ass. } 12. Win her, ample goy sissy! } 11. Piss my LAN, ye sore Whig, } 10. Yes, Phil, ignore my saws! } 9. Wash my pirogi, Nessey L.! } 8. Wiemy springy Asshole. } 7. Yes! Sample hirings! Yow! } 6. We, her sissy goyim, plan. } 5. Hey, Eros's lawn is gimpy! } 4. A ... I espy wormy shingles. } 3. I spew shiny gray moles. } 2. My Irish gyno lass, weep. } } and probably the most accurate assessment of your anatomy is ... } } 1. I.e., whey-slimy ass prong. } } You owe the Oracle Miss Muffet's phone number. --- 359-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To the incredible Oracle of the Usenet, > Whose knowledge and wisdom is legendary, > Whose insight on world affairs is astounding, > Whose listeners are bound for fortune, > Who, while considered a fiction, a spoof, > is an excellent authority to ask on > questions of global security, > which if breached without such cover, > would surely harm we who so humbly ask of you this: > > We belong to a secret intelligence corporation that exists as a > commercial alternative to government espionage. We search in the dark > for information and receive payment in the dark. Our organization is > proud to have had direct involvement in infiltrating the Nazis and > inducing Hitler's suicide in the '40s, warning MacArthur of the Red > Army advance into Korea in the '50s, breaking up the D'Glassio crime > family in the '60s (an insidious band of high finance rogues), and > keeping Soviet espionage from dominating the Third World intelligence > community in the the '70s. > > We are officially non-ideological, although many of > us have supported America as opposed to the Soviets, and so being > capitalists at heart we have catered to opposing audiences. Recently, > we have taken a great loss to our reputation and finances when Iraq > cancelled our nuclear tech collection contract at the start of the > Gulf War. It seems we also lost a big opportunity due to low morale, > as our moles in the KGB dallied in informing us of the hard-liners' > putsch. We could have made out big if we had approached Gorbachev > before the coup! Oh well, so much for crying over spilled milk. > > Still, we need a new market. With the end of the Soviet Union as a > threat to the United States and as a political reference point for the > Third World, our old haunts are drying up, and now we're stumped. > > Oh, great Oracle, before the banks close our (concealed) accounts, what > is the world's next great intelligence question? > > Signing off for now, > your live(?), roving reporter > at the University of Roach Eater, > > Ben D. Taylor > > "Huh? Nobody told me we needed our heads for the exam." > > "Whereever you go............ There you are." -- Buckaroo Banzai And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You seem to be missing out on the Clarence Thomas - Ku Klux Klan thing. } Frankly, for an intelligence group such as your own, I'm suprised that } you haven't picked up on it yet. Although he hasn't spoken about his } involvement with the KKK yet, you people should be aware of this by } now. Let me fill you in in: } } Back in his marijuana-smoking college days at the Jack Daniels } Institute of Law and Sexual Harassment, Judge Thomas played football, } and raised quite a fervor on campus when he mooned the homecrowd after } sacking the quarterback and asking the cheerleaders if they had ever } seen such a nice ass. While some of them fainted, one cute chick namde } Anita Hill commented on the fact that she had never heard such an } offensive pick-up line before. Having been humiliated in front of his } team, the opponents, and even the unconcious cheerleaders, Judge Thomas } quit the team and dove into the bottle. While wandering down a dark } alley late one night, he stumble upon a meeting of the KKK. Naturally } pissed off at the presence of a black man at their meeting, they } proceded to draw their weapons and move towards the drunk Thomas. Dizzy } from the bottle, he nonetheless saw the fate which was to be his own if } he didn't act fast. He spoke: "I apologize for interrupting your } gathering, and I will leave you alone if you let me, but if you let me } help you, I can help you kill off every black man in this area." This } got the Grand Master drooling so bad, he slipped and fell in his own } spit. When he regained conciousness, they quickly named him an } honorary member of the KKK. While he promised all the black men, Thomas } only wanted to see one black dead: the bitch who had embarrassed him. } They had only begun to plot plot the gruesome suicide that Hill was to } successfully attempt, when Judge Thomas got word of his nomination to } the Supreme Court. He immediately quit the KKK, and accepted Mr. } Bush's nomination. Unfortunately, the bitch stepped forward to testify } against Judge Thomas. For you and only you to know, the next piece of } information will be the KKK slaying of Anita Hill, since Thomas never } lost contact with his white-supremicist friends. } } Your mission: Since the Oracle does not appreciate either the KKK or } Anita Hill, your mission is to have the KKK kill off both Clarence } Thomas and Anita Hill, and let President Bush pick someone else to } judge, such as Marion Barry or Dan Quayle. } } You owe the Oracle a picture of Clarence Thomas' butt. --- 359-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dee > Doo > Doo > Dooooooo ? > Doo And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dee Dee } Doo Doo, Dee Dee } Doo Doo } } You owe the oracle a close-encounter with your girlfriend/boyfriend. --- 359-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh! How powerful is such a question! Such grace, such } power is communed through the artisan's hand! You can } just see his face as he so imploringly questions if The } Oracle, in all of its infinite knowledge and power, would } deign to grant his feeble, unworthy request. "Please, } please! Tell me," he begs, tears streaming down his } face, as he kneels before The Great One. "I must } know." } The Oracle looks down, smiling comfortingly at } the poor mortal. "Of course, my child. What is your } question?" } } The supplicant glances up, his eyes red and wet } from the tears, and a brief flash of hope is seen deep } within his eyes, a smile, flitting upon his lips. } } "" he says. } } "Sorry, what was that?" } } "" he repeats, his whole body straining to hear } what the Oracle will answer him. } } "What?" } } A look of fear briefly touches his visage. } Cannot the Oracle hear him? He lets go a strangled cry } of pain, ""?! } } "If you're not going to ask me a question, } you'll have to leave." } } Strong servants of The Oracle come forward, and } drag him from the chamber. He struggles against them, } but all his energy is spent. Still, as he is dragged } out, he cries again and again. "" "" "" """"""""""!!! } } "Next," says The Oracle. --- 359-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I need to know, oh noble one who told Ali Baba, > > "Hey man, don't touch that lamp!" > > "Why do they call toilet paper, facial tissue. Don't the manufacturers > know what it is used for?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Three reasons: } } 1) in advertising, it's unwise to mention the word "toilet" on } anything, even stuff for the toilet. } } 2) a backlash from their being called "buttface" too often. } } 3) the most important reason: most advertising people have their heads } wedged in their asses anyway, so for them it IS facial tissue. } } You owe the Oracle the advertiser's address and the Jaws of Life. --- 359-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, all knowing, I ask of you this question that has been > in this for some time and find myself at a loss. I heard that light is > made of microscopic particles that have nearly no weight. But, today, > one of my professors told me that as an object approaches the speed of > light, it gets heavier. Well, light GOES the speed of light, so isn't > it heavy rather that light? If so, why don't we call light "heavy"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's a heavy question. } } Although it might be right to call light "light", it might be right not } to call light "light". Your Professor Wright was right, light's made } of mighty light mites, right? Right. Now light mites are light, and } fight like mighty light mites. If one takes fright and takes flight, } the fighting mite might follow right behind the mite with fright. If } the fighting mite gets right up with the flighty mite, it might take a } bite from the flighty mite's right leg, lightening the flighty mite. } Now as the fighting mite and the flighty mite get right up to the speed } of light, if the fighting mite likes biting the flighty might the } flighty mite gets lighter, so it can be flightier. So when the flighty } might is right at the speed of light it's actually quite light, right? } Right. } } If light were called "heavy" I wouldn't have been able to write that } paragraph. } } You owe the Oracle every light bulb joke ever. Right? --- 359-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most dude-ulous Oracle !!!?!?! > > Which should I call my brother on a regualr basis to annoy him more: > > 1) Dude bro > > 2) Bro dude And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle gets many questions about siblings, and, fortunately, many } problems mortals have regarding siblings have ample precedent. Yours, } my supplicant, is among them. } } You see, back in 3986 B.C., after my good friend Yahweh had booted } Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden, what Yahweh termed } subprocesses but what you would probably call "children" had emerged, } two of whom were these two dudes named Abel and Cain. Abel was the } older one, and as such, often claimed the preponderance of resources, } much to Cain's distress. Cain, although smaller and younger, was, } nonetheless, the brasher. One is tempted to say "stupider", but that } temptation might be due to hindsight. Anyway, Cain decided to try to } annoy Abel into letting him have more responsibilities (for example, } running the lawnmower), and, of course, just to spite him. } } Cain first tried calling Abel "dude" instead of "Abel" or "brother". } Abel took this as a compliment, since he was a budding linguist and } just thought that Cain was trying to coin new words, which would, of } course be useful in all aspects of everyday life. Cain tried using } "bro" without the intended effect. Abel recognized that Cain had } found the first negative-fix method of describing endearment. Cain's } combinations of "bro dude" and "dude bro" only puzzled Abel, since he } couldn't figure out why Cain's word ordering was inconsistent. } } Finally, Cain drew despondent. Abel was getting more and more } responsibility *and* was finding absolutely nothing annoying in what } he had done. Finally, he decided to try to start threatening his } brother, in the hopes of scaring him off to Poughkeepsie, anywhere but } Mesopotamia. Thus, Cain fashioned the world's first jackknife out of } a flat,sharpened rock, a twisted vine, and a piece of dried celery. } Cain brandished the knife in front of Abel, who proclaimed, "Why, } Cain! The world's first use of recycling, using discarded food as a } tool!" Abel grasped the wrong end of the knife, puncturing his hand, } and bled to death, because while he was wondering about why Cain's } grammar was inconsistent, he had failed to invent Band-Aids. } } So, in the long run, whatever annoying phrase you use for your brother } might annoy him to death. --- 359-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Whatever, > Will it work out? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has attempted to parse your question and has terminated } with errors. The Great Oracular Context Demanding Grammar is provided } below for your inconvenience: } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } oracle-question->flattery fluff grovelling fluff question } } flattery->compliment|compliment fluff flattery } } compliment->compliment-physique|compliment-psyche|compliment-Lisa } } grovelling->a-grovel|a-grovel fluff grovelling } } a-grovel->self-humiliation| } offer-to-service-the-Oracle-in-a-disgusting-way| } sacrifice-of-body-part|description-of-lude-sexual-practice } } fluff->random-character-sequences fluff|(null) } } question->Where did it go? | } Why did he do it? | } How does he do that? | } Why couldn't she control herself? | } Will it work out? | } Why does it happen? | } Who is responsible? | } Are we there yet? | } What is the relationship between the worms and the spice? | } Why Spice Racks? | } What made me do it? | } Vi or Emacs? | } How many times have I told you? | } Have you checked the children lately? | } How can I get a date with Lisa? | } Why is that man gesturing? | } How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck } wood? | } What is the relationship between the recently observed } metamorphosis of the psyche and the patterns occurring } in my coffee mug? | } . } . } . } But what happened after that? } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } Partial parse tree follows: } } :( } | } +-----------------+----------------+ } | | } | | } | question } | | } fluff +------------+-----+-----+-----------+ } | | | | | } Whatever, will it work out } } } Error #19: Input ended without warning. } Error #16342349324211003212001: Flattery not optional. } Error #4: Grovelling not optional. } Error #0: :( } } Program terminated abnormally-exited with non-zero return code. } Segmentation fault--core dumped. } } sync;sync;halt