From oracle-request Tue Oct 15 09:57:25 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 15 Oct 91 09:57:25 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #358 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 358 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #358 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 15 Oct 91 09:57:25 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 358 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 353 21 votes 13a43 23862 0017d 04881 17823 33d02 26841 25464 18471 38622 353 3.2 mean 3.2 3.1 4.6 3.3 3.0 2.8 2.8 3.2 3.0 2.6 --- 358-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > I am a devout pagan and worshipper of the old gods. Why is it that I > keep attracting all these born-again christians? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's a shameful yet open secret that things are tough in the divinity } business nowadays. The presence of some of the more washed-up deities } playing cameo roles (as themselves or as other deities) in some of My } august oracularities may have tipped you off. While I am pleased to } help My less well-off comrades when I can, I am often the last stop for } them before Hollywood Squares and the Love Boat. } } Consider the Aztec pantheon. Once whole nations held them in awe, and } they enjoyed thousands of human sacrifices every year. Now almost no } one tears out a heart for them any more. The gods who are household } names, despite their wider exposure, are doing little better. Take the } current front runner: sure, many folks still go to his churches, but } it's nothing like the heady expansion days of the Roman Empire, when } followers joyfully went off to get mauled by lions. Face it: today's } believers have grown unacceptably soft to be of any use to most } deities. Or as Quetzalcoatl succinctly put it at a crisis meeting of } the General Pantheon last month: "They're all a bunch of WIMPS!" } } Well, some of us eventually agreed to cooperate in raising the standard } again. We're pledged not to divulge the exact details to mortals, but } suffice it to say that the phenomenon you're noticing may have } something to do with it. } } Have you noticed, for instance, that these born-agains have been } especially fervent to witness to you lately? Have they talked } rhapsodically about wanting to follow in the footsteps of their } founder, who they also emphasize as a pure and perfect sacrifice? Have } you, upon hearing all this enough times, been feeling the instinct to } rip their guts out? } } Have you considered that possibly none of this is coincidence? } } You owe the Oracle first dibs. --- 358-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that when these things happen, people always say > "These things happen."? > > Huh? > > Just wondering . . . > > Signed, > > A humble postulant, unworthy to floss the toes of the Mighty Usenet > Oracle And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "These things happen" isn't really the statement made: think about it. } If we do a brief experiment I think you'll see the light. } } Suppose you were to win a ton of money suddenly.... Hmm. Let's see. } I know I left Ed's phone number around here somewhere... Ah, yes. } } Hey Ed! T. Usenet Oracle here. } } What? Hunh? Don't you know it's four in the morning??? } } I got a poor schmuck over here who needs to win a million bucks. } Drop by his place tomorrow with all of the lights and cameras and } that great big check you're always waving around. } } Forget it! I'm not about to put my hugely lucrative endorsement } career on the line just for some two bit electronic deity. My fans, } integrity, and wallet are far more important than an order from some } overgrown abacus. Let me tell.. } } Either that or I pull out those photos from the last Tonight Show } cast party- you know, the ones with you, Lisa, and the ox. } } A million, you say? } } Now listen to the comments made by your friends and co-workers. How } many told you "These things happen"? None, right? } } Ok, now, let's suppose your grandmother were to be hit by a bolt of } lightning, much like this. Oh dear- she didn't seem to hold up } very well to that at all. Just a second... } } Hello- you have reached the 911 emergency hotline. Our operator is } currently on break, so all calls are being forwarded to our new voice } mail system. Please press 1 if you are bleeding profusely, press 2 } if you or your home is on fire, press 3 if } } Sorry, but the Oracle does not do voice mail. Anyway, now tell your } friends and co-workers that your grandmother just died. How many told } you "Oh, we're sorry. Shame that these things happen" with sickening } sympathetic looks of concern? Lots, correct? } } Now you know the full meaning: "These BAD things happen" People say } this because they realize that the world is a profoundly depressing and } unhappy place, where all sorts of horrible things happen constantly, } and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. } } You owe the Oracle a single bad thing which has never happened and a } cyanide pill. --- 358-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why I'd rather pamper my ears with fine music, read obscure literature > and chase after girls than finish my #@&!*! thesis and secure my future > in a world governed by money. And what can I do about it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My dear child... } I understand your problem. Many of us would much prefer to chase } girls and do the things you mention. However, what we need to remember } is that we are mere pawns in this world of money. The general concept } is to be a pawn until an opportune moment comes when one can stab one's } superior in the back in order to take over his/her position. Once } accomplished, you will rule the world of money and everyone else will } be your pawns. Until the day, grin and bear it. --- 358-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116.icl.icl.gold_400.GB@oasis.icl.co.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I want to know the meaning of life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What?! Have you never read Douglas Addams?! } } The meaning of life is rather simple. Whoever dies with the } biggest smile on their face is declared the winner. } } (All winnings subsequent to sales tax. This offer void where } prohibited by law.) --- 358-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, who browses through the infinite pages of history and > thinks "I do nice work", please help me as I prepare a presentation. I > would like to include some quotes from historical figures, but not the > ordinary, everyday quotes you find in the history books or those little > calendars. Could you please share with me some of the lesser know > bits-o-wisdom from those who can be blamed for the way the world is > today? Anything will do, really. My presentation is mostly BS anyway > and I could work almost anything in. I await your reply with due > humility. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "It is folly in one... to look for disinterested favors } from another." -- George Washington, Farewell Address to the } People of the United States, September 1796 (Published in the } newspaper, "Claypole's Daily Davertiser") } } You owe the ORACLE one of his usual outrageous fees, an } essay on cheating, an apology to your professor, and credit in } the presentation. --- 358-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and wonderful Oracle, before whom all others seem > as so much pond scum, please answer this lowly mortal his > entreaty: > > How did you sneak my other blue sock away? I know you > can grab them at will whilst they are in the dryer, but > I never put my socks in the dryer. I hang them on the > towel racks in the bathroom to dry. My mother told me > (and her wisdom is eclipsed only by yours, most wise and > all-knowing orrie) that drying them in the dryer is bad > for the elastic, so I never do it. I know I had two of > them drying there, and I wanted to wear them, but one > is gone! I do not begrudge you the sock, most bodacious > and succulent one, but I long to know how you did it. > > I remain, splendiferous one, you lowly servant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat." } } "Again?" } } "Nuthin up my thleeve... Prethto!" } } "Say, Bullwinkle, what is that thing?" } } "Why, it lookth like one blue thock. Gee, I wonder where it could } have come from. I know it'th not one of mine. I dithinctly remember } putting on one red thock and one yellow thock thith morning. Thee?" } } "Bullwinkle, those socks don't match!" } } "Why, thure they do! In fact, I have another pair at home jutht like } them." } } "Anyway, wherever that blue sock came from, it's not a rabbit." } } "No, but with thome thithorth and glue I could make it into a rabbit } puppet." } } "Maybe you should take that magic hat back where you bought it and } demand a refund. It's never worked right." } } "I don't think I can get a refund." } } "Why not?" } } "I got it for free. I met a thort, evil-looking fellow with a black } mouthtache on the thtreet one day, and he gave me thith hat. He thaid } it wath a magic hat which used wormholeth through time and thpathe } to tranthlocate bunnieth for magic trickth." } } "A wormhole? That sounds like a whole load of baloney to me." } } "Could be, Rocky. Onthe I pulled out a ham sandwich." } } "Hey, Bullwinkle, did you say the man who gave you the hat was short, } evil-looking, and had a black moustache?" } } "Yeth." } } "Did he have an accent?" } } "I couldn't tell." } } "Why not?" } } "I wath having trouble underthtanding hith thick foreign acthent." } } "A short, evil-looking man with a black moustache and an accent. Who } does that sound like to you?" } } "Daddy?" } } "No, it was Boris Badenov. He tricked you into taking the magic hat } from him. No wonder it's never worked!" } } "But why would he want me to have the hat?" } } "I don't know, but we're going to find out. Come on!" } } "Where're we going?" } } "To find Boris and make him confess." } } "Good idea! I'll meet you there." } } "Where are you going?" } } "To find a prietht." } } And so our intrepid heroes begin their quest to } discover why Boris would foist a magic hat that } doesn't quite work on Bullwinkle. Tune in next } time for } } BEDTIME FOR BORIS } } or } } I NEED THIS HAT LIKE I NEED A } WORMHOLE IN THE HEAD --- 358-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, before whom I an not even worthy to > self-referentially grovel, so I'll stop now: > > Why won't my computer explode? I've tried giving it paradoxes to > solve, showering it with illogical human emotion, asking to compute the > last digit of Pi using Common Lisp, and questioning its prime > directive. But it just sits there. It doesn't even say "Does not > compute". > > I did get it to say "Core dumped" once, which sounded promisingly > ominous, but when I sat back to watch the sparks fly, nothing happened. > Not even a puff of smoke. What's wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What is wrong, mortal, is that the people who set up computer systems } are aware that smart alec users such as yourself are going to be } working with them. Therefore, they take careful steps to prevent } deliberate system crashes. However, system designers and programmers } are, like you, only mortal and have been know to let a few things slip } by them. } } While it is true that all machines have a breaking point, some are } hardier than others. The Oracle suggests the following methods for } those stubborn instances when your system just refuses to give in. } } 1) Load your system with digitized photographs of Rosanne Barr in the } nude. Please note that this means that Barr should appear nude in } the photos, and NOT that you should be naked when you carry out this } procedure. Unless, of course, you're funny that way. } } 2) If your system consists of an Apple II, install a second disk drive } controller and issue instructions to get both sets of drives running } at the same time. This may not damage the computer per-se, but the } power supply will go right out the door. } } 3) If your system is a VAX, aquire CMKRNL (Change Mode to KeRNeL) or } CMEXEC (Change Mode to EXECutive) privileges and issue a HALT } instruction. This may not destroy the system, but it will achieve } many of the same effects (like gettimg you fired or expelled or } both). } } 4) Have the power company change the line voltage to 220, three phase. } } 5) Get a few thousand feet of insulated copper wire, wrap the computer } room with it and plug it in to a REALLY BIG power supply. You may } not get any smoke from this one (other than from the wire) but it'll } be a while before anybody uses the system again. } } 6) If your system is a Sun running Unix, just wait a while and it'll } pack up on its own soon enough. } } 7) If you're hell bent on making the sytem blow up just by using the } keyboard, make sure you use swift, well placed blows and go for the } disk controller first. } } 8) If your system uses an 8mm tape drive backup system, ask the system } administrator to restore a file for you, then replace the backup } tape with a copy of Ishtar when he's not looking. } } 9) Write a program to send yourself 100,000,000 copies of a mail } message containing at least 100 lines of text. Note that if you do } this through a network, you can crash a bunch of other computers } too. Again, there'll be no smoke, but you'll have fun and that's } what's important. } } 10) Finally, if all else fails, please remember the wise words of } another Oracle who said: } "There's no problem that can't be solved with the proper } application of high explosives." } } You owe the Oracle a complete collection of VAX/VMS Version 5.4 system } manuals --- 358-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > First of all: Forgive me Great Oracle for posing a question about God > in such a way as to suggest that in addition to your splendiferous self > there exists some other infinite being. What I meant to ask was this: > > Since YOU are all-powerful, can YOU create a drug such that YOU can get > high off it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } PFFFFFFFFFFFFfffffffffffftt!!! } } Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! } } Oh, wow. Look at all them colors! Wow. Awesome, man! What's in the } fridge? } } Mmmm... the Oracle owes you... I mean... I owe the Oracle... I mean... } Oh wow... --- 358-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, wise and mystic oracle; keeper of the knowledge of the > ancients and winner of four academy awards... > > What ever happenned to Jimmy Hoffa? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Aaaaagh! How did you find me here? Kinzler said this #$%* thing was } anonymous! Are you with the teamsters? I gotta get out of here! } --- 358-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty Oracle, whose wondrous wisdom surpasses that of Solomon, > Athena, or Jean-Luc Picard and illuminates the net like one of those > honkin' big carbon-arc lamps that goes BANG! when you turn it on, I > beseech you to tell me, when Spider-Man was swinging his way across the > city, what _were_ his webs attached to? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } His hands. What are you, blind? } } You owe me a can of Silly String.