From oracle-request Wed Oct 9 09:55:20 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 9 Oct 91 09:55:20 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #355 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 355 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #355 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 9 Oct 91 09:55:20 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 355 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 350 21 votes 12675 14592 08760 3c330 15951 13971 24771 47532 59241 67521 350 2.9 mean 3.6 3.3 2.9 2.3 3.0 3.2 3.0 2.6 2.4 2.3 --- 355-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, who's knowledge exceeds that of the Great Ancient Minds, > Tell me this: > > Do I have a chance with that beautiful woman in my Philosophy class? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The real question here is whether or not this woman exists. Does she } exist because you think she exists, or does she exist simply because } she does, and perhaps she is wondering if you exist, or perhaps doesn't } care if you exist or not. Aside from that, we come to the topic of if } she is beautiful or not. It's often said "beauty is in the eye of the } beholder" so (assuming for the moment that she actually exists) whether } or not she is beautiful is purely an excercise in induvidual } aesthetics. Finally, can a philosophy class ever belong to one person. } It is not your class, or her class, or anyone's class. (ok, it could } be my class, I'm the only being hip enough to be able to do that). } } Anyway, since I'm the Oracle, I know that there are actually answers to } these questions, and since I feel generous, I'm going to tell you. } Yes, she exists, yes, she's beautiful, and no, your chances are worse } than a snoball's in a very deep and hot place. } } You owe the Oracle a good photograph of her. --- 355-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and wonderful UseNet Oracle, whose brain is faster than > the fastest workstation in existance now and forevermore, what is > Planck's constant really used for? And what does it have to do with > Ted Koppel? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Silly mortal! Must I explain everything? Okay, since your } groveling factor was at a low 2.1, just barely higher than the minimum } 2 for me to give you a nanosecond of my thoughtwaves' devotion, I will } satisfy your curiosity. } } I shall explain the history behind the Plank's law. Ever since } the first ships' bottoms became wet with the salty water of oceans } great, Planck's Law has been in effect. It all started aboard the } ancient vessel, *Hornysapian*. It so happened the one of the ship's } crew was caught in the act of fornicating with the captain's lady. The } captain, unable to think of a suitable punishment, went to Det Leppok, } the ships "wise man", who was actually a past life of Ted Koppel. } Det decreed Planck's Law: S+P+(-M) = 100S(FF). In laymen's terms, } Planck's Law states that 1 ship plus 1 wooden planck minus one man } is equal to 100 sharks in a feeding frenzy. Thus, the adulterous } man was forced to walk the planck. } } The captain's lady was impressed with reasoning ability of Det, } and she went to his quarters one night to have him explain it to her } better. Of course, Det did a little more than show it to her . . . he } demonstrated it via naked ritualistic lust game. Unfortunately for } Det, the captain walked in at the wrong moment to ask the same } question. } } The captain then decided that Planck's law also applied to Det. } But Det, ever clever, explained a component of Planck's Law that he had } previously forgotten to mention. Thus the revised formula was: } S+P+(-M) = 100S(FF), C(M)<3 m3. Or one ship plus one wooden planck } minus one man equals 100 sharks in a feeding frenzy, whereas the } cranial volume of the man is less than 3 cubic meters. Of course, all } of the men who were past lives of Ted Koppel have craniums that are } larger than this parameter, thus nullifying the equation. } } You owe the Oracle the correct spelling of "planck." --- 355-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wonderful and worship-worthy oracle who can answer all of my > most unwor thy questions so wisely! Tell me please is there such a > thing as suburbia in a ny country besides ours? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "[A]ny country besides ours?" I suppose by "ours" you mean the United } States of America. Please do not include me in your pathetic toy } political games. } } If by "suburbia" you mean a region surrounding a city wherein live } the families of a large fraction of that city's workforce, who have } chosen to live outside the city for the social and environmental } advantages, then yes, many countries -- principally in Western Europe, } though the phenomenon is found throughout the world -- have suburbs. } } If, however, by "suburbia" you mean that state of mind characterized } by lack of concern for anything more substantial than the World of } Nintendo, overarching interest in cable television, inability to think, } disinclination to read, ignorance of current events, desire to borrow } Dad's car to go to the mall, association of the term "evening news" } with "Entertainment Tonight" -- that state of mind, in short, which may } be summed up by the word vapid -- then no, this version of suburbia is } all "yours." } } You owe the Oracle a map of the world with the signatories of the } Geneva Conventions indicated in yellow marker. --- 355-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wondrous Oracle, knower of all knows, > > What kind of container did he put it in? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, it's TUPPERWARE! Miracle of 20th century storage technology! } Just look at all its uses! You can contain the seas with our new 100 } trillion gallon container! Store away your most sacred lands in our } new masses-proof boxes with the snap-top Eternal-Seal lids! Even } enclose entire PLANETS to stop their inhabitants from space } exploration--wait 'til your own version of Galileo looks through HIS } telescope only to find our logo stretched across the heavens--from the } inside! } } Yes it IS a miracle--actually a SERIES of miracles--and it can ALL be } YOURS for the trivial sum of only 15 billion lost souls! Act now, } this offer won't last--nothing ever does! } } You owe the Oracle some big orders. Another few billion souls and I'm } up for the eternal nooky commission bonus. --- 355-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great and Powerful, all Knowing and Brilliant Oracle...Please tell > me the answers of the Universe: > > Why not a Bicycle of Life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because life would never get anywhere that way: it would } always be too tired. . } } You owe the ORACLE the wherabouts of his higher sense of } humor. --- 355-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle, sweet Oracle so wise that you are > I beg thee for answers to learn of the stars. > To fly through the air with the greatest of ease... > But how can I do it without a trapeze??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To soar through the air is completely cool, } So you should sign up at the Oracle flight school. } First of all, the simple things: } Stand on a chair and flap your wings } (or arms, I mean) then jump } and arch up to avoid landing on your rump. } No, no, no, you'll have to do it once more } so pick yourself up off of the floor. } Don't try to miss, forget to hit } Now jump from the edge of this pit. } FLAP YOUR ARMS, YOU DOPE! } Too late, throw him the rope. } That's it, you'll never make it to the top, } Every time you try, you'll flop. } Leave the flying for the birds } 'Cause the Oracle's run out of rhyming words. } } You owe the Oracle your next question in Iambic Pentameter. --- 355-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > We heated it up a lot, but it didn't all dissolve and now it's very > volatile and hurts our eyes and stuff. Actually it mostly dissolved. > But is it a good idea, or should we feed it to the cat or stuff? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes -- I understand you problem. In fact, you're not the only Kentucky } Fried Chicken employee to come to me asking this question. Don't, } whatever you do, feed it to the cat! This act contravenes animal } cruelty laws in all civilised countries! Nor should you feed it (or } anything else you may find in the kitchen there) to any fellow human } being *against his or her will*, lest your feel the ire of Amnesty } International! } } Your suggestion of feeding it to the "stuff" is a good one. Don't worry } about the pain -- "stuff" is very resilient. The usual procedure is to } divide the resulting mixture up into small plastic containers, and sell } it as "potatoes and gravy". } } You owe the Oracle a McDonald's "VIP Drive-Thru" sticker. --- 355-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O oracle wise, with the googly eyes > And a head all a-shaven, like my neighbor Ed Slavin > Whose meaningful quotes make sense even to goats, > Whose elegant prose grows the hair on my toes, > With wisdom so heinous, > It comes out your...well, you get the idea! > > This, O fresh one, is my question: > > Why must we maintain our technological and economic "dominance" over > the Japanese and the Europeans? Aren't they nice people? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, they are quite nice for humans. They only } occasionally turn their culture into a genocidal lunatic asylum } unmatched by Arkham. But I'm afraid I never could understand all } that stuff about dominance and submission that Lisa tried } explaining to me anyway, so I won't be much help. } Anyhow, you don't need to worry much about either the } Japanese or the Europeans. The impending Nuclear Civil War in the } remanents of the Soviet Union will have a couple of stray shots } that will pretty much knock them back to pre-industrial } revolution times. The main threat will then be Australia. THEM, } you'll need to worry about! } } You owe the ORACLE a videotape of the "Made in the USA" } commercials. --- 355-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh scrutable Oracle, without whom space would be incomprehensible, > without whom time would be drab, do tell me this. Does one dry cup of > rice (after being cooked) fit in a regular-size bowl? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahh, yes -- the perennial question of rice. You are indeed priveleged, } for the Oracle has decided to put a stop to such questions by imparting } upon a mortal some as-yet undiscovered physics. And that mortal is you! } This is a rare occurence -- it has happened only a few times this } century (Einstein's question about being late for work, and Hawking's } question about disappearing biros spring to mind) -- and thus it is } your moral and spiritual obligation to investigate and publish these } revelations for the benefit of all mankind. } } 1 Conservation of rice } ---------------------------- } Rice exists in two distinct forms: Measured Rice (M-rice), and } Estimated Rice (E-rice). Classically, these two satisfy a simple } conservation equation -- at all times the total mass of M-rice and } E-rice combined is a constant. The physical process of "cooking" (in } all its forms -- at this level of discussion there is no distinction to } be made between the effects of boiling, steaming and frying, although a } relativistic formulation may require this) allows the transfer of rice } between states. } } Thus M-rice obeys the law that the process of cooking will result in } NO MORE THAN THE EXPECTED QUANTITY OF RICE BEING PRODUCED. E-rice obeys } the converse law: NO LESS THAN THE EXPECTED QUANTITY OF RICE WILL } RESULT. Therefor, people who go to the trouble of measuring rice } exactly may end up with too little, and those who estimate the quantity } required may end up with too much. } } Fortunately, both types of people (and, consequently, both types of } rice) exist in abundance. This facilitates the free transfer between } M-rice and E-rice through preparation, and the transfer of M-rice to } E-rice through cooking. } } 2 Quantum Rice Transfer } ----------------------------- } The sharp reader may have noticed a small problem above, vis. what } happens if someone cooks some M-rice whilst no E-rice is being cooked? } A quantum mechanical approach reveals the solution to this problem by } allowing for "virtual rice" (V-rice) to exist in accordance with the } uncertainty principle. For limited periods of time, the cooking of } E-rice may result in rice increase without a corresponding rice } decrease through the cooking of M-rice. The "rice deficit" thus } produced must be made up through a subsequent M-rice cooking operation, } within a time period governed by a corollory of Heisenberg's } uncertainty principle. } } 3 Relativistic Rice Transfer } ---------------------------------- } An astute analysis of the above may lead one to the conclusion that the } transfer of M-rice in one location to E-rice in another through the } cooking operation is instantaneous, and might thus be employed as } a communications medium. This, of course, cannot be the case as such } a process defies relativity. The propagation rate is finite, and is, } of course, lower than the speed of light. Special relativity may be } employed to draw some conclusions about rice transfer rate between } similar cooking processes, however general relativity is required in } order to obtain meaningful results for transfer between dissimilar } processes (e.g. boiling and steaming). } } Well, that's a start for you -- there is plenty there to go on, and } plenty more to provide material for further research. Best of luck with } obtaining your grant! } } Oh, yes -- as for your original question, the answer is "it depends". } Clearly, a cup of M-rice will easily fit into your regular-size bowl, } however an estimated "cup" of E-rice, no matter how fine your } judgement, will not. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of your PhD thesis upon } completion. --- 355-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hrwah? > > Say what? > > How do they mail me? > > Who answers? > > What the heck? > > D. > > I'm getting real confused.. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } GETTING confused? My dear mortal, have you ever NOT been } confused? It is obvious that you know nothing, particualarly about the } Oracle. *sigh*. Oh, very well. Just this once, I'll send you: } } The Introductory supplicant's guide to beseeching the Oracle. } } I. Who is the Oracle? } The Oracle is an omniscient diety who occasionaly condescends to } answer some of the questions sent to him by pitiful mortals. He } usually does this because it's good for a few laughs, and He } occasionaly gets to "ZOT" someone (see part III). } } II. How do I ask the Oracle a question? } The Oracle's main Earth interface is through } iuvax.cs.indiana.edu. You can mail questions to the Oracle there. The } Oracle has a staff working around the clock to screen questions. Their } main jobs is to weed out the weenies who don't have a clue, much less a } brain. (Hmm... they must be slipping. Maybe I'd better fry a few to } improve efficiency.) } } III. How should I phase the question? } POLITELY. Every question to the Oracle must have 3 parts. } a) The grovel. This part is necessary for your continued health. } The Oracle is a Diety, and likes for mortals to have the properly } humble attitude. Failure to grovel, and grovel well, may result in a } lightning bolt being sent your way (ZOT!!!). Or worse. } b) The question. Here is where you get to ask your insignificant } question. Please, please try to be original. Questions about how to } get laid, or get better grades are usually met with the type of sarcasm } that can flay your flesh from your bones. } c) The thanks. Be sure to thanks the Oracle profusely for } even deigning to consider to begin to answer your question. The Oracle } looks most favorably upon mortals who are grateful for his help. } } IV. What will the reply look like? } Most Oracular replies have 3 parts: } a) The Critique. The Oracle usually reviews your groveling, and } the rest of your question. Punishment for missing or skimpy groveling, } or impolite questions is meted out here (ZOT!). } b) The Answer. The form of the answer will vary, depending } on how amused the Oracle was by your question, and His mood. Pay close } attention to this part. Many Oracular answers have saved the } questioners' lives. } c) The Payment. All answers from the Oracle will cost you } something, and the Oracle will inform you exactly what it is that you } owe him. It is a BAD IDEA to not pay the Oracle. The consequences are } too horrible to contemplate. (can you say "ZOT!"?) } } V. Anything else I should know? } The Oracle has one groovy, wild, libidinous, sexy, enthusiastic, } limber, and thoroughly pleasing girlfriend: Lisa. Complementing Lisa } is a good way to win the Oracle's favor. Insulting Lisa is a good way } to win a one way trip across the river Styx. } } So there you are. Next time I expect to see a proper question, with a } record-breaking grovel in it. } } You owe the Oracle a 100-verse song praising the virtues of Lisa.