From oracle-request Wed Sep 18 21:38:43 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 18 Sep 91 21:38:43 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #348 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 348 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #348 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 18 Sep 91 21:38:43 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 348 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 343 21 votes 14592 15555 35553 23646 35823 23376 35751 32763 13494 22458 343 3.3 mean 3.3 3.4 3.0 3.4 2.9 3.6 2.8 3.2 3.6 3.7 --- 348-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You ask me, I blame society. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bailiff: USENET Circuit Court is now in session, Judge T. Usenet Oracle } presiding. All rise! } } [A motley collection of users, daemons, viruses, and mythological } creatures shuffles noisily to its feet, claws, pseudopodia, etc. The } Oracle enters to a fanfare of slightly out-of-tune trumpets, wearing } black silk robes and a bedraggled powdered wig.] } } Bailiff: Be seated! Docket number 7442100-1991, People vs. Society. } } Oracle: Society, you are blamed. How do you plead? } } Lisa: Guilty. I throw myself upon the court. } } Oracle [disentangling himself after a few minutes of heavy groping] } Lisa, I *am* busy now. Gimme a minute, OK? } } [Lisa smirks enchantingly, causing three of the jury to faint from } desire, and slips under the bench. The Oracle sits rigid for a moment, } and then begins to fidget and make soft "urnk" noises.] } } Oracle: Bailiff , bring in Society now, please? } } [Society enters manacled and chained, followed by an executioner with a } very large axe.] } } Oracle: Society, you are blamed. How do you plead? } } Society: Like this [falling to its knees hands stretched beseechingly } upward] PLEEEEAAASSSE let me go, P-P-PLEEEEEEEASSSSE!!!! } } Oracle: Everyone's a bloody comedian. Kill the bitch. } } Executioner: CHOP! } } You owe the Oracle a New Society. --- 348-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh well-hung and incoherent Oracle, whose sexual fantasy I am too > lowly to imitate, I humble myself in the face of your surfboard-like > beauty. Why does Fidel Castro lick melted butter off of Mr. Reindeer > Egg-Mcmuffins's morality? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is the Meese Police. You are under arrest. The use of melted } butter in the manner you described is a crime. The statement you } made about sexual fantasies is a crime. Sexual fantasies are a crime. } Talking about sex is a crime. Sex with a non-republican in a manner } other than standard missionary position--no birth control is a crime. } Thinking about sex is a crime. Thinking is a crime. } } Ed Meese is your friend. Ed Meese wants you to place yourself in front } of this firing squad. Not doing so is a crime. Ed Meese is god. } } (Uh, Oracle here... I would not recommend going. Run to the nearest } convent and hide, quick. Oracle out.) } (Oh...you owe the Oracle a picture of Phyllis Schlafly } strapping on a dildo.) --- 348-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wine and freon clog my ears, > My purse is full of frosted flakes, > My dog has drunken fifteen beers, > My cat has peed on all my cakes, > A parrot stands upon my head > And screeches "Ugly" at my friends; > Fifteen nudists stole my bed, > And now (alas) I have the bends. > So now I turn to thee: pray tell > With honeyed voice and calming verse > How all these troubles to me befell > And how I can all them reverse. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, dreary mortal, filled with woe, } your life has taken such a turn. } You've done right asking me - I know } the cure for you, and you can learn } to stay your ills, prevent your fate, } regain your confidence - I will } reverse this fateful trend of late } with consummate panache and skill. } } The scam behind your misery } is near-impossible to find. } This convoluted causery } afflicting sore your troubled mind. } But stay a moment, tarry please -- } The crystal ball is clearing now. } Ah, yes, I see it clear with ease! } It's plain to me; I'll tell you how. } } One day last week you boned royale } You stepped upon a pavement crack. } Your mother's one vindictive gal - } She doesn't like her broken back. } The ladder you so blithely strolled } beneath was waiting just for you! } The potent curse from days of old } has ruined many others, too. } } This double whammy's not enough - } You broke your bathroom mirror, too! } In cases like this, Fate plays rough! } I say, you boned it! Yes, I do. } The letter you received that day, } you threw it out, you broke the chain. } You read what it'd had to say, } And tossed it - oh, your wish is plain! } } I've heard from those like you before. } Your wine and freon pleases you. } Those frosted flakes - you stashed them, or } That drunken dog who's just like YOU. } You sickos like it when your cat } Relieves itself upon your food. } As for the parrot - WEAR A HAT! } Unless you *LIKE* it - oh, most lewd, } depraved, disturbed young postulant } You HAVE no friends, admit it here. } Your parrot's dead, it's YOU who rant } at passersby - must be that beer. } } Those fifteen nudists - yes, I see } you HIRED them to take your bed. } 'Cuase secretly you want to be } asleep while standing on your head. } As for the bends, you must be dim. } What made you want to join the pool? } It works much better if you *swim*; } Your addled mind forgot that rule. } } And so now, you are asking me } to save your ass? Well, buster - TOUGH. } You *LIKE* your fate, it's plain to me. } Buzz off -- you've bugged me long enough. } } You owe the Oracle a framed calligraphy rendering of "There once was } a man from Nantucket." --- 348-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Huh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Subject: Failure in replying. } } Dear sir, } } I'm sorry to tell you that the oracle have failed to answer your } question due to the following problems: } } [x] failure in satisfaction of grovel factor. } } [x] question was too general } } [x] question was in an non-standard language (The oracle understands } all languages but will not answer questions in too exotic languages } for moral reasons.) } } [ ] The question is the null/woodchuck/'how can I get Lisa' } question.Lack of public interest. } } [x] previous debts . You haven't sent the following which you owe: } } a. 4 first born children } b. 7 newt eyes } c. a ticket to the moon } d. the Bible , 'dirty' version. } e. 5 text adventure games written in Cobol. } } Until those debts are settled the Oracle will answer none of your } questions. } } [x] disgusting physical appearance } } [ ] the oracle is on vacation } } [ ] the oracle doesn't feel like answering you } } [x] no answers are given on Friday the 13th. } } Please fix the above mistakes and send your question again. } } Yours } } Flega buttlehoyngen } } oracle personal secretary. --- 348-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does Satan wear spandex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wear it? My dear querent, Satan _invented_ spandex. How better to } stir up feelings of inadequacy in humans than by dividing the whole } species into two groups: those who can wear spandex, and those who } cannot? And those who wear spandex must dread the day when the flab } finally comes home to roost, so all of humanity finds itself roiling } in tides of jealousy, fear, and constriction. } } You owe it to the rest of your species to } wear polyester for the rest of your days. --- 348-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does it mean anything if your cat runs away, your dog is taken by > aliens, your parents seem to always hate dogs (for some reason) and > that they seem to have an Odd greenush-coloring, and 1 and 1 suddenly > doesn't make 2? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's probably nothing... } } I'm sure that each of these events can be expliained quite logically. } Let's start from the beginning: } } Your cat's running away is a normal occurrence. After all, not all } cats are willing to put up with as much as the cat in the series ALF } did. } } You only think that your dog was taken by these aliens. From the } sounds of things, it is much more likely that your parents actually } called these aliens to have them take your dog and give it a much } better home. How many dogs do you know that have been taken by aliens? } I didn't think you knew any... That makes your dog special, and he's } probably the only earth dog on their planet. Just feel glad that the } aliens didn't mistake you for the dog... Or perhaps they mistook the } dog for you... } } As for your parents' odd greenish-coloring, rest assured that it was } just a mild overdose of blue and yellow food-coloring. Or perhaps it } was just acid-rain-tainted bath or shower water. } } Finally, 1 and 1 no longer make 2 since you are performing your } calculations using exceptionally large values of 1. } } You owe the Oracle a ride on the nearest flying saucer. --- 348-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's a "thet"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A "thet" ith a mathematical conthept which ith normally } reprethented in LITHP by meanth of a litht. Tho the thet } of all prothehthed meath in my fridge would be reprethented: } } (olive-loaf gizzard-whizz jalepeno-flavored-entrail-puree thpam) } } Thimilarly, the thet of all flattery included in your query would be: } () } } Hmm. Well, anyhow, the betht tetht of your LITHP interpreter ith } to thee how it reprethenth the thet of all theth that do not include } themthelfth. Let'th thee what happenth... } } ( } #! STACK OVERFLOW ERROR: You're hosed } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the++ --- 348-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How often did George Washington's writings bring me to orgasm last > week? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You mean you don't know? } } Three, plus two fakes, and next time, don't lose count. } } You owe the Oracle a fifth/case/keg of whatever you've been drinking, } and a copy of the Declaration of In... no wait, make that the } Constitu... er, no, er.. Say, what DID George Washington write, } anyway? A love letter to Martha? } } Done. --- 348-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise of all Oracles, > my beloved Sandy is now 350 miles away, and shall remain > so for many months to come... > Whatever shall I do? Are we destined to meet again someday? > Shall we marry someday? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhh, my child. The road I see before you is a dark one, fraught with } many perils: potholes, roadkills, and worst of all....New Jersey } drivers. If you successfully navigate this turnpike 'o love, surely you } and your beloved Sandy shall become one again. If however, you flip } off the third NJ driver you see, he shall be named Biff, and he shall } pummel you to the brink of oblivion and ne'er shall ye see thy fair } Sandy again, as Biff will flex for her, standing above thy stinking } corpse. } } Just a warning. } } You owe the oracle a hot date on Saturday night. --- 348-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and perfect Oracle, who has made All-Pro for all 22 positions > on a football team for the last millenium even before football was > invented, answer for me this: > > Why oh why oh why can't you let the Tampa Bay Buccaneers win a game? > They've been coming so close for the last three weeks, but they can't > seem to pull it out in the long run. Can't you do something about > it? Puh-lease help me to throw the football. > Thank you, > Vinny Testaverde And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I would, but Y'see, I'm kinda occupied with improving the } Cleveland Browns and all. (They Paid me more than The Patriots) As for } throwing the foot ball, put a magnet on the end, and have the players } hold a few. Great for fake punts. } } The Most Excellently Wize Orcale