From oracle-request Wed Jul 3 08:18:38 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 3 Jul 91 08:18:38 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #322 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 322 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #322 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 3 Jul 91 08:18:38 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 317 22 votes 07546 12892 38920 36742 43744 42754 25c21 59701 1236a 37624 317 3.0 mean 3.4 3.4 2.5 2.8 3.0 3.1 2.8 2.2 4.0 2.9 --- 322-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > abort And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, usually I agree with you pro-choicers, but commanding } people through e-mail, is just a bit too tasteless. One question does } pop to mind though: } Why wasn't this sent to the Quayle family about 37 years ago? --- 322-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Grand and Most Exalted Oracle, Who in His Majesty can both keep > his feet on the ground AND keep reaching for those stars, and Whose > Power and Wisdom exceeds even the dreams of Avarice, tell me o tell me > > How do traffic cones reproduce, parthenogenesis, conjugation, > what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I had hoped nobody would ever ask me this, for this is one of the } darkest and most evil subjects it has been my misfortune to know. } However, since you included the appropriate amount of praise complete } with Capital Letters and with a suitably small number of misspellings, } I am bound by the fact that this is a Sunday to reply truthfully: } } Traffic cones are not what they may at first appear to be. The } question of their reproductive methods is somewhat beside the point, as } you will soon see. Traffic cones, no, let us call them by their true } name, this is a time for truth - Vketlughs are in fact sinister } pseudo-invaders from another net. They are here in great numbers } already, and they are nearly indestructable (when they are damaged, } they wait until it's dark and then gradually regenerate, sucking energy } and raw materials when needed from unwary stray cats), so they have no } need to reproduce yet. In fact, the only avenue of attrition among } their numbers is theft by young people, and in fact this fits right in } with their evil designs. Their original purpose was to take over and } cause irreversible environmental damage, economic chaos, global } military strife, widespread disease and poverty, net-wide mail } blockages and disco music; however, they soon found that our political } leaders were already busily engaged in just those nefarious } activities... so, their tiny plasticine brains are currently engaged in } plotting another dreadful scheme to subvert all that we have worked to } achieve. They have infiltrated society at thousands of key strategic } locations and I believe they are busily working to subvert the Net } itself. For reasons which would be beyond your mortal comprehension, I } am powerless to stop them. Write your congressman! ^[v --- 322-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who has slain my patent leather shoes, which once were so black and > gay? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Who" must, naturally denote Charlie Whang Who, famous Chinese } nationalist and admitted racist. For details, we take you to the front } page of the LA Times: } "Gay Man Slain by Crazed Gunman" } (AP) } Terror raigned supreme on Eighth Avenue today when Willie Boyd, } famous for his "I'm Black, I'm Gay, and I'm Rich!" speech, was gunned } down by Charlie Whang Who, leader of the Chinese Movement to Protect } Copyrights. } Boyd, 43, was declared legally dead on the scene after ingesting a } face full of dim-sung at Who's Chinese Inn, located east of the San } Fransisco Castro District. Police, who responded from the doughnut shop } next door, reported that Boyd appeared to have been in a discussion with } Who prior to his death. } "There were scuff-marks on the walls. There appeared to have been } some sort of struggle," said police agent Doyle Jackson, senior } investigator for the SFPD. "We're officially listing this as death by } noodle. Boyd kicked the wall, then he kicked the bucket. Sadly, that } bucket happened to be filled with dim-sung, which is not to be taken } through the nose." } Who, 51, was widely known throughout the city for his often viscious } attacks upon patent lawyers, was taken into custody, where he made a } full confession. } "I've finally done it! I've protected the freedom of shoemaker } throughout the free world! Boyd tried to registed a patent yesterday, } claiming that *his* shoes wouldn't leave scuff-marks. Hah! Just look } at my walls! Covered, with black heel marks! And they say I'm } crazy....." } } With that, Who was led off into protective custody, where he is } reportedly doing well, and has taken up knitting. } ................ } You owe the oracle a new set of sneakers, without patents. --- 322-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle neat mighty and magnificent and who_is > everybody notation reverse_polish use why_doesn't > tell_me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Follower strange intriguing and confused and who_is } everybody the_Oracle go_insane would_see because. } } You owe the Oracle a tape player that plays in reverse. --- 322-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What can you tell me about the value of a NCR Tower 1632? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I can tell you many things. For instance, the effectiveness of a } planning committee is inversely proportional to its size. The whole of } creation can be extrapolated from examining the indentations of a } basketball. It is too warm in my temple for brie. The Pittsburgh } Steelers will, one day, have a winning season. } } Henceforth you might consider grovelling a tad more. } } However, I will be merciful. An NCR Tower 1632 has many uses, not the } least of which is a planter for the flora of your choice. It makes a } nice decorative doorstop. Store valuables in it. Nail it to your wall } for a conversation piece. The value of it, however, is a very } subjective measurement. It depends on just how attached to it you are. } You could always use it as a scratching post if you cover it with } carpet, however if you want something furry and cuddly around the } house, go out and buy a cat. } } For this service you owe the Oracle a twinkie, sent via Federal } Express, and a set of thumbscrews, for later entertainment. --- 322-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and mighty ORACLE, thou art omniscient, omnipresent, > omnipotent, and several other "omni"s (Including a 1986 Dodge Omni that > gets great mileage, only 2000 miles on it ((I'm still trying to figure > that one out.))) I eagerly await inlightenment. Tell me oh ORACLE, why > is it that well built blondes, are thought to be stupid? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you forgot the Omni stadium in Atlanta, but the Oracle is feeling } generous today, so I'll accept your groveling as sufficient. (By the } way, dump that Dodge Omni soon, it'll be in a head-on collision in } September.) } } You have asked a very perplexing question, my son, and one which a } certain beer commercial has caused to become a FAQ for the Oracle. } However, Kinzler keeps losing the FAQ file (or so he claims), so I have } to keep re-answering frequent questions such as this. That's OK, } though, because like your high school social sciences teacher told you, } we keep changing the answers, anyway. } } Actually, blondes are the most intelligent humans, and we all know that } women are more intelligent than men. (Right, Lisa?) {You're d***ed } right, Ory!} } } This only leaves the question of why well-built or stacked blondes.... } } (Ow! Lisa let go of my ....) } {You dirty dog! I KNEW you were thinking about that blonde you met at } Zeus's party last aeon!} } (What, Hera? Forget her, besides, she's already spoken for.) } {Well you can just sleep in the living room tonight!} SLAM! } } Um, before I can complete this answer, you owe the Oracle a dozen } roses, Quickly!! --- 322-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tell me all! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It would take far too long, more time than your mortal life contains, } to tell you ALL, but you can read it! Just send $49.95 to Divine } Publications Division, Time/Life Books, and you will receive the first } volume of our new series, _The Usenet Oracle Tells It All_. Subsequent } volumes will be sent, automatically, at the same low cost, each week } for the rest of your life. Submission of your question is an automatic } subscription. But don't miss a payment; our collection department uses } a full range of plagues and poxes as finance charges. Happy reading! } (Offer void where prohibited by Zeus). } } You owe the Oracle a Ginsu knife and collection of Zamphir's Greatest } Hits. --- 322-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise, wonderful, witty, and all-knowing Oracle, > > Can you tell me why there are so few female hackers and crackers and > D&D players around? I like all three, and yet, I find myself > constantly surrounded by males. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are lots of D&D players, crackers, and female hackers around; } you're probably not looking in the right places. Look for D&D players } in the tunnels under any local university, or in dimly lit basement } rooms. Crackers are readily available in the snack aisle at your } corner grocery store. And why you would want a woman who coughs a lot } or cuts people up, I don't know, but check the smoking section, curbs } outside high schools, or a women's prison. } } You owe the Oracle two hours of being surrounded by men. --- 322-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Postulate for me munificent Oracle, is there such a thing as Evil ? Is > there more Evil today than there was five years ago ? Twenty ? One > Hundred ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course there is more evil today than in the last onehundred years. } Thank you for drawing my divine attention to it. } A flood will be delivered next week to take care of it. } } You owe me an ark, loaded with the best female stuff on your planet. --- 322-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ..Spud. Spud spud. Ellis! Oh, thank God! Pell-shaking on! On!!! > > -- Thurgood Marshall, in his sleep And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm, three tubers and an island. Hardly the sort of groveli...er, } address to which I am accustom. No matter, no matter. } So, I must glean the question from an analysis of Thurgood } Marshall's dream, eh? Should be a cakewalk for an omniscent like } myself. Okay, Barney, crank 'er up!! } } (din of engine being started, deafening all but the Gods) } } OK, the ol' Babbage/Freud Difference Engine V.1.0 is up and } running. Now, I will just carve the input crankshaft with the } appropriate data: } } ..Spud. } Spud spud. } Ellis! } Oh, thank God! } Pell-shaking on! } On!!! } } } Putting the rod in place, and engaging the wheel, and presto! } Instant gestalt. } } ("Powerhouse B", arranged by Carl W. Stalling, fills the aether) } } '..Spud.' -- The subject feels buried beneath tons of earth, with the } entire world's eyes transfixed upon him. The potato is } itself the root, hence the feeling of the subject that } he is at the root of his own problems, and although } besmothered by the ground, he lives in mortal fear of } being wrest from his life, washed clean, sliced and } fried, only to end up in the gullet of some corpulent } beeswilling Republican. } } 'Spud spud.'-- We see the anxiety not only perpetuated, but doubled } onto itself, becoming unbearable to the subject. This } obsession with food will eventually break through to the } surface, leading to obesity and sloth, and restricting } sartorial choices to expansive robes. (cf. edible } complex) } } 'Ellis!' -- Again we note the isolation, present in the island } motif. Also, we see the extension of the robes, and the } secret desire to be a woman, embodied in Miss Liberty } herself. However, all is not grim for our subject, } since his choice of the Gateway to the United States } shows him to still be receptive to the aspirations of } the world's outcasts. Truly this man has love for } mankind coursing through his veins, and shall never want } for the milk of human kindness. } } 'Oh, thank God!' -- The desperation has led to the seeking of solace in } deities. The subject is so overwhelmed that he allows } this peace-of-mind expression to become the end-all of } his troubles. } } 'Pell-shaking on!' -- We see the subject returning from his } desperation, his previously expressed faith in the deity } is found to be reassuring. Pell-shaking was a medieval } ritual for exorcism of demons within one's self, } involving placing small woodland creatures inside one's } clothing and then rolling in the dirt, the chants of the } onlookers drowning the ubiquitous screaming. The subject } is rid of his anxieties, for the moment. } } 'On!!!' -- The subject is attempting to re-assure himself that the } pelshaking was successful, by echolaliating the end of } his previous statement. This is common, and should not } be alarming to the educated therapist. } } '' -- Obviously the subject has a sexual problem. } } The answer to your question is that although Justice Marshall may } regret that he can no longer function on the Supreme Court, he feels } that his choice was justified given the circumstances under which he } lives. And he ejaculates prematurely. } } You owe the Oracle a Cuban penis--er, cigar.