From oracle-request Wed May 29 09:15:46 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 29 May 91 09:15:46 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #311 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 311 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #311 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 29 May 91 09:15:46 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 306 15 votes 44610 16521 72321 12831 13533 00564 34530 13821 75210 12156 306 2.9 mean 2.3 2.7 2.2 3.1 3.3 3.9 2.5 2.9 1.8 3.9 --- 311-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O pernicious Oracle, who has the power to pick up the earth and dribble > it like a basketball, > Why does Lisa keep calling me up and asking me out?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } F/X: R&B music fading out. } } Speaker: This is KGBO radio with NIGHTTALK. Got anything to say? } Just dial 555-TALK. And here is Barry Champlain . . . } } Barry C.: Hello everyone . . .aaahhh, our first caller is Fred ... } Hallo Fred ? } } Fred: Hi Barry. } } BC: Hi Fred, why are you calling? } } Fred: I just wanna say that I think your show is totally cool, maaan. } } BC: Is it, well is that all you got to say? } } Fred: No, no, I also wanna say hello to Joe and my ma and daddy } and grand ... } } BC: Thank you Fred. Our next caller is . . . uh, that's a peculiar } name, he calls himself ORACLE. } Hi Oracle! } } (The oracles voice sound VERY worried through the phone) } } Oracle: Hi Barry. . . look I'm calling because so many people are } asking me silly questions and ... } } BC: You also got a radio show? } } O: ... I'm worried about it. } Err... no, I don't have a radio show, it's just that I am the } oracle. I sometimes get these questions from people who are into my } girfriend. I just got one from a guy who claims to get calls from } her. Do you think it's true? } } (silence) } } BC: Have you talked to her about that? } } O: No, I'think I'm afraid it's true. } } BC: As an oracle you should know it. } } O: Yes, yes, I know it's not true. It's just this sort of happy feeling } one gets when he can talk to another guy about it. } } BC: Of course, thank you for calling. } OK, NOW FOR SOME MORE MUSIC . . . } this is Barry Champlain and you're listening to nighttalk. } } (music fading in). --- 311-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Since I haven't got any answers from you lately, I have > reached several conclusions: > 1) My questions have been too difficult for you to answer. > 2) Because many people get answers from you, they must have > submitted simple questions which gives some idea of their > close relationship to monkeys. > 3) Monkeys live in a zoo. > 4) If monkeys have sent questions to Your Holiness, they > must have a way of communicating to you. > 5) I haven't seen any network connections in zoos so far. > 6) This communication media must be secret telepathy. > > Now, to my question: > When I hear high-pitched shrieks in my head every evening > before I go to sleep in my tree, are those from zoo monkeys > sending telepathic messages to me from Oracle ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm... squealing noises in your head? Sounds like microwave } interference. I'll check my shortwave and see if there are any } microwave transmitters are in your area... } } Bzzzz... "News, Weather..." zzzz... "243 132 143 122..." } clickclickclick... "Access notification..." bazzzz... } } "Monkey One to Monkey Two, do you copy? Over." } "Monkey Two here. About to start relay check. Over." } "Monkey One acknowledge. Monkey One to Monkey Base, do you copy? } Over." "Monkey Base here. Prepare to receive Orders. Over." } "Monkey One. Ready to receive orders." } "Monkey Base ready to transmit orders. Uplink begins... NOW!" } } OPERATION MONKEY SHINE } General orders and overview } TEST Phase } } Fundamental goal: To convince the humans of the world that Cheez } Doodles(tm) are necessary for their continued health. This will } be accomplished with BRAINWASHING via MICROWAVE transmissions. } Once the humans are addicted, we will cut off their supply and } watch their so-called "civilization" crumble! } } Immediate goal: To see the varying effects of microwave frequencies } and intensities on the human brain. } } Equipment setup: This will be a two-phase operation: } } 0 / } (4) X (2) } _ / 0 } /-\ } } (5) (3) (1) } 0 RELAY MAIN } /|\ <= Dumb human STATION BASE } / \ } } 1) Signals will be broadcast from MAIN BASE in to } orbiting RELAY SATELLITE. } 2) RELAY SATELLITE will bounce signal to AMPLIFYING/FILTERING } RELAY STATION. } 3) RELAY STATING will transmit to LOW-ALTITUDE HELICOPTER-MOUNTED } REFLECTOR DISH. } 4) LOW-ALTITUDE REFLECTOR will bounce signals to DUMB HUMAN. } 5) DUMB HUMAN will crave Cheez Doodles(tm)! } } Well, there you have it: it's a monkey plot to enslave humanity. I } think you should notify the government. One missile should take out } that satellite. I just hope the victims of their cruel test can } recover... } } You owe the Oracle 4.3 metric tonnes of Cheez Doodles (I just can't } get enough!). --- 311-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does it take you so darn long to answer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Could you hold? I'll be right back... --- 311-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh brilliant and kind Oracle, clever scholar, cuter than a whole bunch > of butterflies, whose wisdom bashes the Trilateralists, without whom > reality would be sad, I beg of you, answer my humble query. Someone > posted on sci.os.bugs an article saying that everyone who reads > alt.announce.flames is really twittish, anile, and truculent. I, of > course, read alt.announce.flames. I do consider myself truculent, and > when pressed to absolute honesty I must admit that I am anile. Am I > really twittish as well? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. You owe the oracle a '57 Chevy. } } (No, no, no, that won't do at all.) } (What do you mean, that won't do? That's a fine answer. Concise, } straight, to the point. Plus I'm in a hurry.) } (Geez, no wonder We never get into the Oracularities. You can't just } have a one line answer like that. It's gotta be FUNNY.) } (All right, all right... what do YOU suggest?) } (How about one of those cute UNIX sessions? You know, login to } pearlygates.heaven.com and mess around with the earth/questioners } directory, even have one of those nifty messages from } god@universe.gov...) } } % rlogin pearlygates.heaven.com } Connected to pearlygates.heaven.com -- escape character is ^HD } login: oracle } password: } } Welcome to pearlygates.heaven.com -- Running BSD Unix V55.2 } You have new mail. } 1 % mail } New mail - 1502 items - Subject: "tell me" } mail> q } 2 % mail | answeringdaemon ; I can't be bothered... } 3 % cd /usr/universe/milky-way/earth/questioner } 4 % ls -l questioner } questioner 155megs rwed--tar Last changed: 02 Jan 1977 } } Well, there you have it -- the "twittish" bit is set so you must be } twittish. You owe the Oracle AT&T SVR4, running on a Commodore PET. } } (No, no, that'll never do. That wasn't even proper UNIX syntax. } "mail | answeringdaemon?" Give me a BREAK...) } (Well, it was YOUR idea in the first place! Look, how about we abuse } the questioner for not including enough gratuitous bowing and scraping? } That always works.) } (OK, why not.) } } "Clever scholar"? That's all? I'm just clever? I warn you, mortal, I am } sorely tempted to cast a few random lightning bolts in your general } direction. I mean, remember, this is the ORACLE you're speaking to, } not some two-bit minor deity whose followers hang around in airports } sniffing illegal substances. I am Omniscient, Omnibenevolent, } Omnipotent, Omnivorous, and lots of other words that begin with O, } and am therefore worthy of MUCH greater respect than being called } "clever"! } } I've forgotten what you asked now. No matter: you still owe the Oracle } the keys to the city of Cleveland, a Sony Betamax, and Kei and Yuri's } home phone numbers. Or else... ZZZZZT! } } (Hmmmmm.... no. No good. It's been done before.) } (Yeah. Geez, this actually answering questions stuff is HARD. I'd } forgotten how difficult it was. We ought to've just fed this one } to the autodaemon. Say, why were you in such a hurry in the first } place?) } (I'm meeting Lisa in fifteen minutes. See ya.) } (Hey! Come back here! We haven't -- what about -- damn. This } schizophrenia stuff isn't all it's cracked up to be. Oh well, gotta } think of something quick...) } } The answer to your question, dear petitioner, is that you've got it } backwards -- alt.announce.flames doesn't cause you to be twittish, } anile, and truculent; it's because you are twittish, anile, and } truculent, and have no redeeming qualities whatsoever, that you have to } spend your time reading fictional newsgroups. So there. } } sigh... Since Lisa's busy, you still owe the Oracle Kei and Yuri's } numbers. And a standard C library without fork() in it. This duelling } Oracles stuff has been done to death. To death, I tell ya. --- 311-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O vivacious and scintillating Oracle, qui ne sait rien, > What is the sound that one hand makes in clapping? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Beware! } } The Oracle knows French. Backhanded compliments such as these show a } dangerous predilection on the part of the questioner toward living on } the edge of a precipice. Why, only yesterday Zeus, my buddy, scored } a thunderbolt on a little old lady who tweaked us the wrong way. } } While I'm thinking of a suitable punishment for you, O misguided mortal } (You silly king, I FART in your general direction) I will multiprocess } and come up with an answer to your equally silly, cliched question. } (sorry, no accent egu available ici.) } } >>>>>Logon: Central Oracle Processor } >>>>>Enter Password: ######### } } *.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*. } Welcome to the Mount Olympus InfoNet Subsystem. Enter your query: } } 1 Hand Clapping?> Output?> } . . . . . } } Thrice the brinded cat hath mewed. } Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined. } Harpier cries. 'Tis time, 'tis time. } Round about the caldron go: } In the poisoned entrails throw. } Toad, that under cold stone } Days and nights has thirty-one } Swelt'red venom sleeping got, } Boil thou first i' th' charm } d pot. } } >>>>LOGOFF } } End Session V.3.08 } Charges: 13 Earthling Gonads, 1 lb goat cheese, a hedgehog. } } THANK YOU FOR USING OLYMPUSNET } !!!!!!! } >>no carrier. } } *Well! I guess your question will be answered when Birnam Wood shall } come to Dunsinane. Beware: Fair is foul and foul is fair. } } } ..... You owe the Oracle 3 hedgehog gonads, and your left hand. --- 311-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ssss....O preciousssss Oracle.....Whosssssse loinsssssss are like unto > lussssscioussssss fissssssssh....whossssssse eyesssssss are lovelier > than eggsssssssssessssssss....whossssssssse wisssssdom isssssss worth > more than birthday presssentsssss.....Isss that my preciousssss in > your pocketsessss, or are you jussst glad to ssssee me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Opening Scene: The Vale } } Dildo Dragqueen enters stage left. He is in pitch blackness. } } Dildo Dragqueen: SwallowHim? Is that you? } } SwallowHim: Yesssss. Whatssssss in yourrrr pocketsessssss? } } Dildo: Wouldn't you like to know, honeybunch. } } SwallowHim: Yesssss! Yessssssssssssssssssses! } } Dildo: (playing pocketssessss pool) You want it? You want it now? } } SwallowHim: (to self) . . . yessssss... yessssss.....yessss . . . he } wantsssess the ring, yessssesss he doesssssss. Rubssss the } ringssss rubbssssss itsssesss. yesssssssess. } } Dildo: (adjusting night vision goggles and infra-red sight) (to self) } Take this, you c*cks*ck*ng wog! } } Dildo aims the Rambo-sized AK-47 in the direction of the lisping, } panting animal, his finger flipping the switch to "automatic". In a } few moments, the awful, murderous SwallowHim is hamburger. The cave } walls reverberate with the sound of spent casings clicking to the } floor. } } Sighing, Dildo holsters the AK and heads back (northeast) towards the } forest. As the clear light of day twinkles through the overhanging } trees, he hums a tune, } "How Much Orc can a Good Orc Orc if a Good Orc Dorks New Orc?" He is } cheerful now, and calm. A new day is warming. The ring is still his. } } Curtain. --- 311-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh very massively psychic Oracle, whose printing press I am not capable > to kiss, grant me this morsel of your wisdom. Which is worse, the > unrestrained fury of the Companions of Cthulhu or the fury of the > Friends of the Hammocks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, we are massive aren't we? [flex, flex] The Oracle appreciates } your skillful groveling and will answer your question. It is quite } perplexing for the mortal mind, I'll grant, because the fury of either } is rather unimpressive. } } Let's take the case of the Companions of Cthulhu shall we? Ever since } Cthulhu has been restricted to dreaming in sunken R'lyeh, his prestige } has waned. Most of his cultists nowadays are uneducated filthy wrecks } of subhuman inbred families cut off from the rest of the world. Now a } few, like the Hermetic Order of the Silver Twilight know up from down } and right from left, but they are the exception that proves the rule. } Most of the Order of the Silver Twilight are skilled mages, centuries } old. They aren't getting any new recruits of any skill. In fact, the } large body of the Order's membership consists of the primary type of } Cthulhu cultist of the day, whose only claim to power is usually a } shotgun loaded with birdshot. The real powers of the order refer to } them as 'Purina Ghul Chow', and often share their little joke in front } of the lower echelons by chanting, "Chow, chow, chow," and lurching } back and forth like a ghul. These are only the minions of Cthulhu, not } the companions, but it serves to show what Cthulhu's power base is like } now. The Companions of Cthulhu are now mostly sycophants or relatives, } or both. They're just leaches sucking off the Big Guys prestige [which } is rapidly fading]. Most of them make Smealas Wormtongue look like an } astute advisor. The only time you could really fear their fury is if } you were one of them and 'the Big C' seemed to be favoring you over } them. An even more recent indicator of Cthulhu's falling prestige is } that Father Dagon and Mother Hydra have broken with him and are making } a play to fill the power vacuum that has existed ever since such hot } night spots as R'lyeh, Hyperborea, and the Nameless City have sunk } beneath the waves. } } Now the Friends of the Hammocks are a new organization that seems to be } quite popular. However, the nature of their activities tends to damp } their fury. Usually the Friends of the Hammocks are in one, and they'd } sure be furious if you dumped them out, but all you'd have to do is run } past a Seely posturepedic matress as they chase you, and well, most } members of Friends of the Hammocks belong to Friends of the Matresses } too... They just don't stay furious. They're too commited to the goals } of the society. } } Now, whose fury is worse? That's a poorly worded statement, friend. } The Friends of the Hammocks are worse at being furious, since they tend } to be distracted by what are to them, more pressing matters. The } Companions of Cthulhu would be worse to have furious at you, since the } source of their fury would involve what is to them the most important } matter in all existence, kissing up to Cthulhu, and they are a rather } single minded lot. Still, they aren't that much of a threat, all the } competant Companions have left and are working for Exxon. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Necrohammockon. --- 311-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Soon may the glyphogens come, > To bring us cougars and fleas and scum. > Someday, when the mucking is done, > Can we take our beasts and go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't ask me. We don't *get* alt.sex.bestiality at this site. } } You owe the Oracle a bigger hard disk and a Trailblazer. --- 311-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most reverent and learned oracle, next to whom > I am as puny as Arnold Schwarzenegger, please answer > > Is it nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of > outrageous fortune than to take arms against a sea of > troubles, and, by opposing, end them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, that this too, too solid terminal would thaw, melt, and resolve } itself into a dew! Or that the Everlasting Oracle had not fixed Its } canononical input against self-slaughter of processes! To kill -9, to } sleep 60, perchance to dream? Ay, there's the SIGRUB! } } Just because your body isn't as big as Arnold Schwarzenegger is no } reason to kill yourself. The Oracle recommends that you seek } counseling and stop quoting macabre Elizabethan playwrights to whom all } this suicide talk was really nothing more than light entertainment for } the unwashed masses. } } You owe the Oracle a morbid quote from Macbeth. --- 311-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh splendid and radient Oracle, whose fingers are like unto foinging > fleas, whose shinbone I am too sentient to lick, whose altar channels a > whole bunch of wolfs who have gone to school, I abase myself before > your Filipino altar. Are there any cereals better than Honey Munchies? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } On the third moon of the gas giant Xnurt, which circles Cygnus Beta, } there grows a remarkable grain known to the local sentient beings as } "ffrwtllwps" (just a coincidence, really). The heart of this grain is } a soft, chewy pod, indescribably delicious, which contains seven } vitamins and iron, provides 100% of the minimum daily requirements of } twelve minerals, carbohydrates, and protein, and induces pleasant, but } not distracting hallucinations. Unfortunately, it is also deadly } poisonous to all known life-forms, and harbors no fewer than } forty-seven species of endoparasite. } } On balance, you're better off with a bagel and a cup of coffee. } } You owe the Oracle a large decaf, extra light, no sugar, to go.