From oracle-request Tue May 14 06:55:26 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 14 May 91 06:55:26 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #305 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 305 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #305 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 14 May 91 06:55:26 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 300 14 votes 18140 02723 12641 23801 02840 26240 01643 06431 42530 11840 300 3.0 mean 2.6 3.4 3.1 2.6 3.1 2.6 3.6 2.9 2.5 3.1 --- 305-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Helf! I am tied to a burning log, suspended five thousand feet over a > rushing river about to flow over a cliff and plunge into a deadly > cyanide ocean full of robot sharks. What shall I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } excerpts from "Superguy: the world's Greatest Hero." } ********************************************************************** } } Cluck Drent was in the newsroom getting his nerves up to ask Lois out } on a date. Yeah, he was Superguy, and Lois loved Superguy. But he } wanted to go out with her as plain old everyday Cluck. Besides which, } superguy or no superguy, the writers of the damn comic book never } allowed him to have sex... and he was starting to get a bit mad about } that. He started walking over to Lois' office, practicing pick-up lines } along the way and stopping occasionally to ogle female staffers with } his X-ray vision. But before he had a chance to get to Lois' office, } his sensitive hearing detected a scream of terror coming from Lois' } office and a tinkle as glass shattered. He rushed to the office only to } find a note addressed to Superguy next to the office's broken window. } The note was from his arch-enemy, that dreaded Bald Dude. The Bald Dude } had kidnapped Lois (again) and was putting her in a situation certain } to end in her demise(again), forcing Superguy to come to her } rescue(again) so that he could trap Superguy and finally emerge } victorious. Superguy was really getting sick of this crap. Bald Dude } did the same thing every week. The man had no imagination. } Cluck leaped into a phone booth, getting ready to change clothes. } He was forced to make a hasty retreat into a different phone booth while } being chased by some little old lady shouting "Pervert!!!!" at the top } of her lungs. When he finally managed to switch into his Superguy } outfit, he took to the air, in search of Lois. } "Hmmm," he thought as he finally found out where she was, "At least } the Bald Dude's made things a bit more interesting this time." He saw } Lois as he approached. She was tied to a burning log, five thousand feet } above a rushing river about to flow over a cliff,plunging into a deadly } cyanide ocean filled with robotic sharks. } Faster than a speeding train (which had just been pulled over by a } cop), our hero swooped dramatically forward and caught the log just as } it was about to fall into the cyanide. Then as an afterthought, he } smashed the sharks to pieces with one hand while holding the log in the } other. As he flew away, he used his super-halitosis-breath to put out } the fire, knocking Lois out in the process. Eventually,she recovered } and gave him a loving look. } He untied her from the log, and as their lips were about to meet } for a soul-searing kiss, a voice suddenly said... } } You owe the Oracle a date with Lana Lang. --- 305-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Greetings, Most Lofty Oracle, whose judgement is (more often than not) > unquestionable, and whose wisdom is (frequently) unprecedented, I > approach you in the grip of somewhat of a dilemna. > > What do you mean, "Who gives a flying f--k"? _I_ do! I've got a > Master's Thesis riding on this! So tell me (please), what (in your > best estimation), is narcophilosolepsy?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Jeez. Another clueless graduate student. It must be the recession, or } something.. they're thick like flies this year! Anyway.. from the } Oracle's personal copy of "Academic Afflictions," 7th ed., 1995, MIT } Press: } } narco/philo/so/lepsy, var. narco/philo/sopho/lepsy: lit. 'sleeping } love-wisdom disease'. An abnormality common among Nth-year graduate } students, characterized by torpor, black subocular indentations, and } general insensitivity to stimulii, triggered by acute boredom and loss } of purpose. Afflicted students may continue their studies for five, } ten, or even twenty years at some institutions, never becoming } conscious enough of their surroundings to rouse themselves to graduate. } See also: Tenure track, Assistant professor, DARPA. } } There. With proper care and feeding, you should be able to nurse that } fragment of factual information into.. oh.. six or seven publications } in more-or-less reputable journals. Hello? Hello...? } } Oh dear. Another fine mind ravaged by NP. Tsk. } } You owe the Oracle the Springer-Verlag spring catalogue and a Velamint. --- 305-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most mighty and powerful, please tell me: > > According to my newspaper, President Bush has chosen Texas A&M > University to be the site for his Presidential library. In light of > what tamu puts you through, how can you allow this? Do you have some > high purpose of punishment in mind for the LAMEHEAD, JOHN FRANK: > Students? > > Thank you for your counsil on this most pressing matter. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bush: ...and so, as you head out to join the workforce of our great } nation, you may rest assured that your government, a government of } the people, is being managed prudently. } } } } Bush: I have time for a few questions. } } WILBERFORCE-SMYTHE, BROCKPORT JACOB: STUDENT } } MR. PRESIDENT, WHAT DO YOU FEEL WAS ACCOMPLISHED IN THE GULF WAR? } } WILBERFORCE-SMYTHE, BROCKPORT JACOB: STUDENT } } Bush: Stop screaming, son, I heard your question. The Gulf War } represents the dawn of a new world order, a new cooperation among the } nations of the world, a new... } } WILBERFORCE-SMYTHE, BROCKPORT JACOB: STUDENT } } OH, ENOUGH OF THAT CRAP. YOU'RE STILL SELLING ARMS TO EVERY COUNTRY } THAT HAS A FEW MILLION FOR YOUR FRIENDS AT GENERAL DYNAMICS, AND } PLAYING BUDDY-BUDDY WITH THAT BUTCHER IN SYRIA. HEY, WE'RE COLLEGE } GARDUATES, BUCKWHEAT, EVEN IF WE DID GO TO A HICK AG SCHOOL IN THE } MIDDLE OF NOWHERE: WE'RE SMART ENOUGH TO SEE THAT ALL YOU WANTED WAS A } BOOST IN THE POLLS. } } WILBERFORCE-SMYTHE, BROCKPORT JACOB: STUDENT } } Secret Service Agent: Please step this way, sir. } } WILBERFORCE-SMYTHE, BROCKPORT JACOB: STUDENT } } WHAT IS THIS? WHO ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU WA- } } WILBERFORCE-SMYTHE, BROCKPORT JACOB: FEDERAL PRISONER } } You owe the Oracle $17 million in surface-to-surface missiles, and a } few thousand F15's, and a couple of them nifty smart bomb systems. --- 305-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can I ask a question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. If you could, you might sound intelligent and prove my } prognosis completely wrong! Since the Oracle is never wrong, you } are in fact quite stupid and therefore, cannot ask a question.. QED. } } Oracle. --- 305-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great and Grand and Wise and Really Snappy Dresser Oracle: > > In a recent answer, you said "Stop being a stupid con-dupe and wake up! > (Or kill me.)" Are we supposed to believe that the Oracle is "Bob" > as well? How many omniscient/all-powerful beings are you supposed to > be? Could the Christian God and, say, Allah be packed in there, too? > How 'bout Buddha? Zeus? Cuthulhu? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry, but No, the Oracle does not have Bob in him. There are only } four beings inside the Oracle's body. They are: } 1.) The Oracle Himself. (At the moment...at some other time it might } be Herself.) } 2.) Lisa...well, actually, this one's more the other way } around...never mind. } 3.) Elvis. Elvis is in everybody, though, so this isn't very } significant. (Well, he's in everybody except Michael J. Fox... } see Mojo Nixon's song "Elvis Is Everywhere" for further details.) } 4.) Cutethulhu. A three-inch high demon with pink fuzzy tentacles. } Adorable. } } As you can see, there is no Bob on this list. } } You owe the Oracle some slack, man. --- 305-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB)) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Question: > > If I'm in love with someone but I'm leaving the country for the year, > should I fall for her now or wait until I return (knowing, of course, > that she may fall in love with another in my absence)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } $$$$$$$$$$ Subliminal question detected, parsing ceased. } %RVMS_PARSE_SUPPLICANT_QUERY terminated. } } % xlate -subliminal > tty } } Supplicant Inquiry Translator rev 5.23 (beta) } -subliminal filter loaded } -Translation begins.... } } } } If I've really got the hots for this babe, but I'm going to Grand } Cayman for a year to gaze at some really serious tanned flesh, should I } go ahead and bop her brains out now (knowing full well I probably could } care less about her in a few weeks) ? } } -Translation completed. } % logout } } Ah HA!! Thought you could pull one over on the Oracle, eh? Yeah, } sure. Trying to pass off your unbridled hormones in a shroud of false } morality. You should be ashamed of yourself! What a cold, calculated, } unfeeling person you must be to attempt to take advantage of such a } situation, and try to rationalize it in such a thinly veiled disguise. } Oh well, it's your conscience, bud. } } Oh, what the hell, go for it. } } You owe the Oracle a postcard from Grand Cayman and your stateside } babe's phone number. --- 305-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most wise and mighty Oracle, whose haircut is the envy of us all. > > If day is day and night is night and east is east and west is west, > how can I get into Sally's pants? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm.. obviously, another silly college student with no concept of how } the IF--HOW logical construct works, and a serious preoccupation with } sex. While the second of these is fairly common, normal, and even to } be admired, I'm afraid that the failure to understand a simple logical } construct is startling. } } IF (condition) {THEN} HOW (question) } } Where (condition) is one or more boolean conditionals and (question) is } what you want to know how to answer. } } Now, your conditions are silly, boring, and trivial... and quite valid. } East is, by definition, east, and the same holds true for the other } three. Although there HAS been some discussion as to whether or not } night is really night, or just a day with no sunshine. } } Your question is, unfortunately, not validly stated. "Can I get into } Sally's pants?" is simply not going to work here. Replace it with } something more in keeping with the structure of the construct: } } "If day is day and night is night and east is east and west is west, } how can I ask such stupid questions of the almighty Oracle?" } } See? The difference is amazing. } } Oh, you can't get into Sally's pants... they are way too small for you. } She's a size 5 at most, and for you to successfully cross-dress you'll } need to get at least a size 24 or 26. } } You owe tthe Oracle Sally's phone number. --- 305-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Queen to Bishop's Bedroom, Mate! What do you think of that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, Rasputin's Gambit. I didn't realise mortals knew moves from } World-Chess. } } The standard answers to this are : } } King to Gun Cupboard :- the "Lese Majeste" Response. } Queen to Pregnancy Test :- the "Uhoh extremis" Response. } Bishop to Mistress, shortly followed by Queen to Mistress } :- the "Catfight" Response. } King to Pope :- The "Missionary to Angola" Response. } Knight to Bishop's Bedroom. :- the "AC/DC" Response. } Knight to Queen's Bedroom. :- the "Cathrine the Great" response. } Knight, Queen, King, and Corgis to Bishops Bedroom } :- the "offence against the Laws of Nature" } Response. } Queen to Executioners Block :- the "Henry VIII" Response. } King into a neighbouring country :- the "Hussein" Response. } King, Queen, and Bishop to shrink :- the "Woody Allen" response. } } But my personal favourite is Serving Maid to Queen's Bedroom, the } "X-rated" response. Not only did this win me the title of Olympus } Grand-Master for World-Chess for the 18th year in a row, it also } provided Lisa and myself with many enjoyable hours of ideas... } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of how a mortal learnt to play } World-Chess. --- 305-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise Oracle, who's wisdom excedes my feeble comprehension, > I seek insight into the following: > > Recently I was wandering the aisles (well, one aisle anyway) of a 24 > hour shopping establishment. While I attempted to choose between a 6 > pack of Becks (regular) or Becks Dark, I was distracted by a man who > (with great difficulty) selected a rather large bottle of Chivas > something or other. As he stumbled away, I noticed his shopping cart > contained only the following: > A large bottle of Chivas something or other > A Duraflame log > A large baseball bat > > I could have sworn he mumbled something about Lisa... > > Oh mighty Oracle, can you devine the meaning the shopping carts > contents? (and does Lisa like Beck's Dark?) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Journal entry #28: May 13 } } It is approaching a month now since Lisa threw me out of the } apartment. I am beginning to have severe doubts about the wisdom } of this quest. While I understand that women are entitled to "that } time of the month", I can't help but wonder if sending me in search } of "The Ultimate Cure" was not a little excessive. For four weeks, } I have watched myself slide from the trappings of an immortal god } into the tattered rags of a derelict bum. Watched as mortals, who } used to grovel at my feet, now spit on me as I pass. } Today, I was again humiliated by these presumptuous creatures. } This quest of Lisa's took me into one of the darkest corners of } mortal civilization, a "7-11". And as I was searching for this } "Ultimate Cure", I looked over and met the eyes of one of "them". } And do you know what I saw in those eyes? HUH? This cretin was } actually looking down his nose at me, as if I had no right to even } gaze upon him! If he only knew. Someday, someday I'll make that } one pay... God yes, will he pay! } In the meanwhile I'm stuck in another moldy cardboard box, } trying to sleep in a pool of sewage. And for what? I mean, when } you stop and think about it, all I said was, "Honey, can you get } me another Beck's Dark. Cramps can't hurt that much." } } Sigh... and so here I am; An all-mighty deity banished to the } gutters of yet another mortal scum-hole. Destined, it appears, to } search forever for some unknown object. My only clue, a snatch of } phrase caught from the screaming of an incoherent mad-women. I } have turned this phrase over and over in my head for weeks now, } all to no avail. If I do not find the answer soon, I will have } to return, begging forgiveness, and offer Lisa the few meager } items I have found; a Duraflame log, a baseball bat, and the } bottle of Chivas Regal I acquired today. I can only hope one of } them is The Cure. } Until then I will continue to ponder that haunting phrase... } } "... something long and hard ..." } } (No, Lisa does not like Beck's Dark!!!) } } You owe the oracle a retread for his shopping cart wheels. --- 305-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do twenty cent phone booths not give me my quarter back when > I put in a quarter? > ________________________________________________ > -xxxxxx.xxxxxxxx.ca.us - ucscc.ucsc.edu!xxxxxx - > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > "Battleships confide in me, and tell me where you are. > Shining flying purple wolfhounds, show me where you are. > Lost in summer, morning, winter, travel very far. > Lost in losing circumstances, that's just where you are." - Jon > Anderson And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What is this? No supplication? No gratuitous and obtuse flattery? } No begging and grovelling? And then you have the nerve to follow your } inane question with a quotation from a 20 year old "Yes" song? That's } the idea, mortal. Get on my good side. Why not call me "Floyd the } Barber" and sing me excerpts from ABBA's greatest hits? Spit on my } Gucci shoes while humming "Pop goes the weasel". You'd have a better } chance of getting my attention by shaving my head while reciting the } words to the "Banana boat song" by tapping out the letters in Morse } code on my magnificent scrotum. Humans: You can't live with 'em, which } is why we immortals hang out here in Valhalla. } } Fortunately for you, puny and impolite mortal, your question has an } answer that deals with a subject that I've been waiting decades to } talk about. You are quite lucky, soon-to-be-worm-food. } } The twenty cent pay phone is a typo, perpetuated by AT&T since the } US government forced the breakup of Ma Bell. (AT&T is, by the way, } a minor miracle away from becoming a demigod, where it will enjoy } the luxury of drinking and dining with us deities, although at the } smaller table at the end of the hall. We denizens of the astral } plane are quite excited, since we haven't had a corporation here } since we kicked out IBM for using a hyped up CP/M deviant as the } operating system for the PCs. But I digress.) } } Anyway, the twenty cent pay phone is a typo that should read twenty } PERcent pay phone. This mistake was perpetuated by AT&T after the } breakup of their monopoly. They realized that healthy, capitalist } competition would greatly gouge their propitious profits. They set } up these misaligned kiosks across the country, taking twenty percent } from every user of the device. (A move that quite impressed Zeus, } Oden, and me.) } } The bottom line is, you don't get your quarter back because AT&T } takes 20% at the twenty PERcent pay phone, leaving you with only } two dimes. } } But the twenty percent kickback includes not only money, but whatever } the patron of the phone booth used it for. For example, you know that } when you drive along the highway, you will often see one sock or one } shoe. These clothes used to belong to Superman. They were taken by } the 20% booth when he would change from his lame Clark Kent disguise } to go fight evil doers. (Superman also sits at the small table at } the end of the hall.) Sometimes the booth would take his underpants } or a shirt, but usually just one sock and one shoe. AT&T is kinky } that way. } } As another example, many people will go to a phone booth just to look } up someone's street address in the book. Have you noticed that most } booths are missing the phone book? That's because every time someone } uses the book to look up an address, the booth takes 20% of the pages. } After a dozen such ventures, the book is worthless. } } Anyway, you don't get your quarter back because your not *supposed* to } get your quarter back. The booth takes 20% of something whenever it } can. Which leads me to this word of caution: Whatever you do, don't } have sex in a phone booth. Lisa used to be a 65 DDDD and I used to } have a penis nearly half a mile long until we spent the weekend in } a phone booth on Fiji. You know the AT&T commercial where the guy } calls Phoenix and the guy in Fiji answers "Whakka-hanno-picha-si"? } That's Melanesian for "The Oracle lost most of his penis in this } phone booth." } } You owe the oracle 20% of your genitalia.