From kinzler Tue Apr 2 14:54:58 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 2 Apr 91 14:54:58 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #285 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 285 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #285 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 2 Apr 91 14:54:58 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 280 10 votes 20620 35110 23320 12250 23320 22330 14410 05302 22222 20800 280 2.7 mean 2.8 2.0 2.5 3.1 2.5 2.7 2.5 2.9 3.0 2.6 --- 285-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, is your name Rick? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I have many names. I am that I am. My name is...not important. Some } call me...Tim! Call me Ishmael. My name is Sue; how do you do? I'm } Batman. Hey, hey, we're the Monkees! I am Tiberius Claudius Drusus } Nero Germanicus This-and-That-and-the-other. My name is Tommy, I became } aware last year. We are Terry and Maggie and Suzie. My name is Inigo } Montoya. Hi! My name is Jimmy Carter, and I'm running for President. } } You owe the Oracle more names. --- 285-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh magnificent oracle: > > Why do they call it doggie style and not cat style or horse style or ... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } These are all different techniques, each with its own name. Doggy style } is simply the most appealing, to most humans. } } Doggy style: The male launches himself at the female from behind, and } his organ swells to the point that it cannot be disengaged. He pumps } madly, with an idiot grin on his face, until he either completes his } task, or until a neighbor sprayshim down with a hose. } } Kitty style: Once a year, the female gets irritable and moody, } scratches up the upholstery, and makes a godawful mess on the floor. } The male follows her around fascinatedly sniffing her hindquarters, } until late in the night, and when she is someplace out in the open in } the back yard, suddenly jumps her from behind. The female screams loud } enough to wake the neighbors, swats the male across the nose, and then } rolls in the dirt purring. } } Horsy style: The male dashes up to the female in an open field. The } female either stands absolutely still, or lashes out with her hind legs } to drive off the male. The male grasps the female about the waist with } his forelegs, and finishes his business is a few seconds. } } Fishy style: The female finds a secluded part of a stream and ejects } her ova into the water. The male ejactulates all over the ova, and dies } soon after. } } Take your pick. } } You owe the Oracle a box of Milkbones and a flea collar. --- 285-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From: TWIT, BRAINLESS DIPSHIT > > WHY AM I SUCH A NERD? NOONE LIKES MY ANSWERS FOR THE ORACLE, AND ALL > I GET IS FLAMES FOR MY QUESTIONS. WHAT'S WRONG? > > TWIT, BRAINLESS DIPSHIT > Student And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There, there, Twit. Don't feel so bad. Have some toast. That } always makes the Oracle feel better. } } Now: Let's address your problems one at a time: } } 1) All capitals make it sound like you're shouting. This is a } civilized universe. Gentlemen speak with poise and finesse. } } 2) The word "noone" does not exist. It looks like you are spelling } an Old English phrase for the middle of the day. Either choose "no } one" or "nobody." } } 3) If your name is "Twit" then "Brainless dipshit" is your title } and "Student" is redundant. Besides "Brainless dipshit" and } "Student" are pretty much synonyms as it is. } } Now that we've straightened out the grammer problems with your } questions, let's work on improving their quality: } } Try to think of questions that aren't so obvious. "Is that your } nose or are you eating a banana?" is not going to inspire the Oracle } to heights of creativity. Generally, the Oracle responds to clever } questions with proportional cleverness. (Of course, sometimes you } end up with boobs anyway. If you're lucky.) } } Additionally, just keep trying. You EVENTUALLY have to get a good } answer -- it's the law of averages. Now go have some toast. } } You owe the Oracle a good question. --- 285-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help .... I've fallen and can't get up. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it's your own fault. You'll just have to be patient } for a little bit, and and try again after you smash into the } ground. Try to be more careful about packing your parachute when } you go skydiving in your next reincarnation. } } You owe the ORACLE some flattery, a better question, and } a quick revision to your will./ --- 285-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If flag burning is outlawed, what's next? Will they ban such > blatantly anti-patriotic activity as speaking out against the > government? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } X-Envelope From: government@capitol.com } } We regrettably must inform you that we cannot permit the Oracle to } answer your question at this time. His proposed answer, when run past us } in the usual fashion, described the US government in somewhat less than } the best light. Because of the Oracle's tremendous influence we felt it } best that such answers should not circulate. } } We apologize for the inconvenience. } } Sincerely, } } George Bush | george@white.house.org | Saddam Hussein is a } Richard Cheney | dick@defense.com | terrible thing... } } P.S. The Oracle said to tell you that you owe the Oracle Glasnost } and a vodka. DwH --- 285-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > so what do I do???????? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My, my. Five words, eight question marks. You must like punctuation } more than you like writing. No matter, I _like_ writing. } } WELCOME TO THE ORACULAR VERSION OF "WHAT'S MY LINE?" THE INTERNET'S } FAVORITE GAME SHOW. HERE IS YOUR HOST, THE ORACLE. } } (applause) } } Thank you, and welcome to "What's My Line". Please meet the } distinguished members of our panel: } } Our first panelist is the hottest thing on Broadway since Nathan's added } peppers to their hot dogs. Please welcome Andrew Lloyd Webber. } } (applause) } } (singing) I'm really glad to be here tonight, Although I've just had a } terrible fright, Aspects of Love recently closed, Guess I'll have to } stay on my toes. } } Our second panelist is the producer of "Twin Peaks", David Lynch } } (applause) } } The shadow of the evening will underscore the futility of life. Are } there to be more deaths once the shortage of Saran Wrap is over? } } Our third panelist is the boy wonder of Redmond, Washington, Bill Gates. } } (applause) } } The User Interface for the USENET Oracle is directly copied from } Windows. You'll be hearing from our lawyers, assuming Scully doesn't } file suit first. } } Our final panelist is none other than the ghost of Bennet Cerf. } } (applause) } } Thank you John, I mean Oracle. It's true that the quality of mercy is } not strained. These days, its pureed. } } Will tonight's mystery guest sign in please. } } (scribble scribble) } } Now panel, please remember to ask questions that can be answered Yes or } No. We'll begin our questioning with Mr. Webber: } } (singing) You type like a hurried lad, are you perhaps an undergrad? } } Guest: No. } } Oracle: That's one down and nine to go. Mr Lynch: } } Damn, that's good singing! Are you employed in something which requires } very little training, then? } } Guest: Yes. } } The Log Lady thinks you might be a computer salesman. Are you? } } Guest: No. } } Oracle: That's two down and eight to go. Mr Gates: } } My question is in beta test and will be available during the third } quarter. } } Oracle: That's three down and seven to go. Mr. Cerf: } } Are you, perhaps, one of the voice stand-ins for Milli Vanilli? } } Guest: No. } } Oracle: That's four down and six to go. Back to you, Mr. Webber. } } (singing) Cats are mystical, and so I say, Do you work mostly by day? } } Guest: Yes. } } At last the puzzle starts to unravel, does your work require a lot of } travel? } } Guest: Yes. } } I ask two questions, twice I get 'yes', are you, perhaps, a stewardess? } } Guest: No. } } Oracle: That's five down and five to go. Mr Lynch: } } Diane, I'm sitting on the panel of this ficticious game show, being } created by an otherwise bored computer geek. Get his address in case we } need some odd character for the season finale. Does your work involve } driving a vehicle? } } Guest: No. } } Oracle: That's six down and four to go. Mr. Gates: } } Having acquired the software division of Mr Lynch's company, we have } released a patch to version 1.0 of his question. Are you a computer } saleswoman? } } Guest: No. } } Oracle: That's seven down and three to go. Mr. Cerf: } } Your typing sounds familiar. Didn't I see you on the Letterman show? } } Guest: Yes and No. } } Oracle: We'll interpret that as a yes. } } Are you a member of that most octavian fraternity, a musician? } } Guest: No. } } Oracle: That's eight down and two to go. Mr. Webber: } } (singing) The questioning is nearly done, are you the producer's son? } } Guest: No. } } Oracle: That's nine down and one to go. Mr Lynch, I'm sorry but your } question was acquired by Mr. Gates' company which has elected to } withdraw it from the market in favor of Excel. That's ten down } and none to go. Mystery guest, would you identify yourself, } please. } } Guest: I'm Dan Quayle. } } Panel: Who? } } Oracle: That's all the time we have today. Thank you for tuning in and } tune in next time for the Oracular version of "What's My Line". } } (applause) } } GUEST ACCOMODATIONS BY FDDI, THE 100 MEGABIT AIRLINE. WHEN YOU WANT AN } OPEN CHANNEL TO ANYWHERE, JUST ASK YOUR NETWORK MANAGER TO BOOK YOU ON } FDDI. } } You owe the Oracle a guest appearance on the Arsenio Hall Show. --- 285-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, you... Yeah, you... Oracle. Yeah, that's right: > > And just what the hell am I? Chopped liver? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Chopped liver? No, how droll. You are the confluence of many forces: } chemical, mechanical, emotional, spiritual, etc. You are a veritable } symphony of spontaneous creativity mixed with the reliable perfection } of a well tuned machine. You are at once a single unit of life and a } complex web of subtle interactions. You have the power to travel to } the stars, split atoms, discover deep mathematical symmetries, compose } beautiful poetry, and procreate. You rise above the common run of } life through the power of ethics, morality, and intelligence. You are } not merely an individual; you are part of an organized society of } individuals. } } Oops, sorry. Wrong supplicant. You are chopped liver. --- 285-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where is the mythical resting ground for un-mated socks? I hear tell of > secret passageways leading out from the little holes in my washing > machine however I am alas too large a being to trace them. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } that's just as well anyway. see, socks don't sneak out through those } little holes in the drum of the dryer. even socks are too big for that. } what happens is a complicated chain of events involving cotton-polyester } fabrics, axial rotation, and static electricity. it's best described by } a set of six-dimensional poly-synchronous fermian transform equations, } and i doubt your terminal has the proper character set to display them, } so i'm not going to list them. it's too bad, too, because if you could } see them, i could just give you the formulas and leave the rest for you } to work out, instead of wasting my precious time answering in verbose } mode. oh well. anyway, the way it works is this: the socks go in wet. } the drum spins, and heats them up. the water, wise to what's coming } next, exits pretty damn pronto through the little holes in the drum. } when the drum's rotation rate gets to 42 rpm, and the temperature of the } sock mass reaches 392 degrees kelvin, something strange happens. static } begins to build up on the cotton-polyester fibers. the net result is } that a static (as in not moving) rotating electric field is set up, and } a magnetic flux is induced in the space occupying the center of the } drum. under the right conditions of humidity, this field can reach a } strength of 6x10^7 gauss, which opens a tunnel in the fabric of } spacetime. this fabric is unlike any fabrics known on earth, and is } more like metallic silk than anything else. anyway, it's highly } conductive, and totally incompatible with cotton-polyester socks. now } if you've ever watched a dryer, the kind with a glass front, you will } have seen how the socks spin around, and occasionally, one of them will } fall through the middle of the rotating drum, rather than around it's } periphery. now, clearly not all of these socks vanish down the tunnel. } but, should the center of mass of a sock intersect the tunnel (which has } an estimated average radius of 0.005 mm. this is derived from the } spec's listed in the 1990 whirlpool catalog of home appliances, and as } such may be a little less than scientifically accurate.) the sock gets } sucked into the tunnel. since the fabric of space is incompatible with } the sock's material, the sock gets shot down the tunnel at speeds } approaching 0.6c, which is pretty damn fast. now the tunnel remains in } existance for as long as the drier can maintain the abovementioned } conditions. since the average dryer cycle is about 40 minutes long, at } those speeds, your poor socks can end up anywhere inside the radius of } jupiter's orbit. where exactly depends on the orientation of the dryer, } naturally. i hope this answers your question. } } you owe the oracle a pair of wool socks. this sort of thing never } happens with wool... --- 285-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sponges, sponges in my head > Sponges, sponges in my bread > Sponges, sponges so devine > Sponges, sponges- please be mine! > > I long to squeeze thy spongy thighs > Whilst staring hard into thine pulpy eyes > Thy nostrils twitch with such smooth grace > O let me sit upon thy face > > Oracle, thou art so chartreuse > From you I would take any abuse > My skin I'd let you pull and tug > For you I'd roll up in a rug > > Before this rhyme becomes too long, > Or before the rhythm comes out wrong, > Let me just say this one phrase > O, Oracle, most out of phase, > > I lust for every tiny pore > Thou hast, mine nifty omnivore > To feel you up is my desire > Your presence makes me to perspire > > Oracle, I ask one thing: > When the telephone dost ring > And answering it, one finds no sound > Who will send the cops around? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My, you are a troubled individual, aren't you? Lusting for sponges, } machoistic behavior, facination with rugs, answering nonfunctional } telephones...I'm afraid you need serious help. Check yourself into your } local Mental Institute. If not, those healthy men in white coats will } visit you soon, and check you into the Institute, anyways. Of course, } if you do it yourself, you get to choose which one you want to go to. } If you are forced out of your happy house into a public Rehabilitation } Center. Of course there are lots of advantages to being insane. Free } meals, free rent, free clothes ('course they only have one color, and } the overcoats are a bit constricting), your political stance is not } ridiculed like normal, and you'll have lots of time to finish your book. } You also don't have to leave your room to go to the gym, just bounce off } the walls, and you get free mind-altering drugs!! Don't worry about } memory loss, lack of coordination, lack of concentration, or } hallucinations, they're normal. Of course, some fractured individuals } feel they should not be imprisoned against their will. For them, here } is a list of helpful hints to avoid capture: } } 1. Don't answer the phone, mail, or computer messages (except } to your friend, the Oracle)! } } 2. Remain in the middle of your room during the day, only go } out at night. } } 3. Try and act like everyone else, unless your in California, } where nobody will notice if you're insane or not. } } 4. Remember that almost anyone could be an agent for the CIA, } the NSA, the FBI, the GRU, the KGB, MI-6, the IRA, the IRS, the ASPCA, } the SRI, the OSI, AT&T (These buggars are the worst!! Stay away!!), } DARPA, the DOE, the Illuminatus, the AFOSI, and the MIA! Trust no one! } } 5. When you do go out, buy large quantities of goods, so you } have to go out less, and remember to pick through your local landfill } and dumpster for items of use, like food and clothes. } } 6. Don't ever take showers or baths, or wash your clothes, or } even take off your clothes! During that short time, agents for all } types of secret societies will take pictures and try and enter so they } can capture you in the nude, and brainwash you for the forces of evil. } } 7. Remember that there are also ALIENS all over the place! } Don't trust anyone that acts in anyway strange! Activities considered } strange are: not going out in day, not washing regularily, and acute } paranioa. } } 8. Never talk to anyone, always SHOUT REAL LOUD!! Normal } people are actually very hard of hearing. } } 9. It's helpful to carry items such as: plungers, remote } controls, chair legs, power cords, and broken keyboards. Also, abandon } useful items like food, clothes, and money in the street to throw off } suspicion. } } 10. Ignore common sense, and do whatch' ya like. Fight } reality! } } You owe the Oracle some Quaaludes, a color coordinated straightjacket, } and another session with Binky the Wonder Psychologist. --- 285-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, wise one, > My school just built a new athletic building. What is its scriptural > significance? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Scriptural significance? Hmm. . . let me check. The only scriptural } database I have is on an old Apple //e. I think I can down load it. } } $ ftp apple.hayes.oracle.god } TCP Wollongong FTP server ready (0.0.00.0) 31-MAR-1991 22:31:24.93 } Connection established } (Connection will close if left idle for more than 5 minutes.) } APPLE.HAYES.ORACLE.GOD> LO ORACLE } Enter password: } (User ORACLE logged in at 1-APR-1991 04:31:24.93 GST) } ] pr#3 } ] run } Wholly Holy -- the Biblical Processor } Copyright (C) 1983, 1985 Heritage Enterprises } Concordance Copyright (C) 1985 Microsoft, Inc. } } Hallelujah!> help } Press "B" to Begin reading } Press "C" to Continue reading where you left off } Press "O" for additional Options } Press "Q" to Quit } Press "S" to initiate Search } Press "T" to Tithe } Press "V" for random inspirational Verse } Hallelujah!> S } Enter string to search for: athletic } Enter books to search ( for all, ? for help): } Searching: } } Numbers 23:21: "And verily, there shall be athletic buildings, } and the athletes shall sweat therein, and the } number of athletes shall be seventy times seven. } And they shall abide therein, and by their sweat } they shall serveth the Lord." } } Matthew 2:37: "And Nezrahiah begat Jehilipha, who was athletic, } and Jehilipha lived to be two hundred, four and } twenty years, when he begat Hectel, who was not } athletic, . . ." } } II John 4:2: "Then Jesus bowed his head and said, 'With this } loaf I feedeth you, with this salve I anointeth } you, and with this fig leaf I art thine athletic } supporter.'" } } 3 references found. Search Apocrypha? (Y/N): Y } } Judith 1:4: "And it will come to pass that the finest athletes } will come to this athletic building to sweat unto } the Lord, and the number of the athletes will be } seventy times seven plus seventy times seven again, } but the number of the buildings shall be just one." } } 1 additional reference found. } Hallelujah!> Q } Amen. } } ] init } Connection closed by remote. } FTP> ^Z } $ lo } } ORACLE logged out at 31-MAR-1991 22:34:24.93 } } Well, there, you have it. I'd search the Koran and the Torah for } you, but alt.religions is down right now.