From kinzler Wed Jan 23 09:46:01 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 23 Jan 91 09:39:35 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #254 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 254 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #254 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 23 Jan 91 09:39:35 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 249 16 votes 13651 28330 44701 14632 05272 26620 23263 17422 06541 15451 249 2.9 mean 3.1 2.4 2.4 3.1 3.4 2.5 3.3 2.8 3.0 3.0 --- 254-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've been going to school in Ohio for almost two years now and I still > haven't figured it out: what the hell do people do in Ohio to occupy > themselves on those cold winter nights? There's NOTHING to do (except > drink and copulate). How does your average Ohio native deal with this > boredom? (hint: I'm not interested in cow-tipping). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are a very lucky person. You've reached an incarnation of the } Oracle living in southwest Ohio. I'll tell you what I've been doing on } cold winter nights for the last few weeks: } Stay up with sick kids. } Copulate. } Watch Bengals. } Copulate } Go to a movie. } Copulate. } Go to bed early. } Copulate. } Sleep. } Watch war news on T.V. } Copulate with wife's friend (actually, this was during the day). } Work on database assignment. } Send stupid questions to Usenet Oracle. } Copulate. } Answer stupid questions from Usenet Oracle. --- 254-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > W W W H H Y Y ??? > W W W H H Y Y ? ? > W W W HHHHHH Y ? > W W W H H Y ? > WW WW H H Y ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The use of capitals in your writing indicates someone eager, indeed } desparate for attention. Similarly the large writing - an attention } seeking ploy. The forward slant indicates a forward looking } personality, someone who makes things happen. The choice of black type } indicates someone who is thoroughly conventional and boring. I've left } the best clue to last, however. The odd shape of the question mark } indicates that you are clearly a koala bear. } } So, the answer to your question is simple. There *are* no eucalyptus } trees in America. You've had it mate. } } You owe the oracle a video of "Skippy meets Godzilla". --- 254-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How artificial can a woman get? For example, she could wear those > contact lenses that change the color of her eyes, she could wear a wig > or get her hair dyed and curled, she could wear falsies or have breast > implants, etc. So what is the ultimate in artificiality, and has any > woman achieved it? Thanks! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's a tough one. You see, there may be no limit to the } artificiality, because women are continually searching for more and more } permanent ways to enhance their beauty. This is due to the fact that } while men don't mind the appearance of makeup, permed hair, and all that } shit, they do mind the fact that a woman who wears such things doesn't } look the same when she takes it all off. However, while they bitch and } grouse about how awful and deceitful it is for a woman to artificially } enhance her loveliness (or lack thereof), generally speaking they seem } magically drawn to it. For instance, take two women of the same basic } degree of attractiveness, and doll one up thoroughly and leave the other } one alone. Put an average man in the room with them. While he might } admire the fact that the non-dolled-up woman has opted for a natural } look, might think her very self-sufficient and all, he will also wonder } why she doesn't care enough about herself to "fix herself up." The } Oracle will lay odds that he will then spend the evening clumsily } attempting to chat up the more "feminine" dolled-up babe. If he gets } anywhere, however, he will later complain about how, in the morning, she } just didn't look anywhere near as good as she did the night before. In } fact, she will probably look very much like the other woman in the room } had, but whether he notices this or not is another question entirely. } } Women have noticed the above tendency, and in response have attempted to } find more and more permanent ways to beautify themselves. Known as the } "Cher phenomenon," this usually takes the form of extensive plastic } surgery, as this is the mosty permanent thing you can do to yourself. } The Oracle imagines that the final product of this mucking-about will be } the Prosthetic Woman, a rather unfortunate concept--a human being } composed entirely of parts not her own. However, if you want to get } REALLY gross, perhaps the ultimate artificiality a woman can commit } would be to not only be the Prosthetic Woman, but to use a penis en- } larger. } } You owe the Oracle a box of Summer's Eve Disposable Deodorant Douche } (tm). --- 254-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > hi oracle, > > > The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > > Your question was: > > > > > O mighty Oracle, tell me this, > > > > > > who is this Lisa that is so often mentioned in your answers lately? > > > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > > > } whatever you want her to be > > this is certainly a very wise answer, but where's your sense of humor? > plus who is this LISA? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm... I must have been having a really bad day that day... sorry } about that. Let me see if I can put it another way... she's my main } sex kitten, my big squeeze, my playtoy and wanton lustful sex machine. } She also makes a mean Long Island Ice Tea and love to play chess. I'd } rather not say any more than that, because she might read this and } } -- message from Lisa@net.sex.goddess } Your main WHAT??? Your big WHAT??? Your wanton lustful WHAT?????????? } } Uh oh... thanks a lot, dude. Now I'm really in trouble. } } You owe the Oracle a good explanation that I can use, and a dozen red } roses. --- 254-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hoy vey! Hahj hjds kjhiui hduewh dud uhd iuh diuhdoe2 iuhd2oiu iyex > xiuwebx iu bxiuex biuehg xiuetd neiu? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously, it is most important when kjhiuing the uhd iuh diuhdoe2 } to fleegr the grop. However, I question your use of the iyex. I'd } suggest a nice robust shmorguut with a dash of tweeng for flavor. } } As always, the bxiuex MUST be hjdsed for at least 45 minutes on } high. (You had the idea right but the amount of time was way off.) } } One more thing. DON'T EVER call me "vey" again. I don't like it. } Understood? } } You owe the Oracle a hduewh of xiuetd neiu. --- 254-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > > My fiancee is a foot model. You know, like, when you see a picture in > a Sears catalog, demonstrating sandals. She's got a face like a horse, > but real cute tootsies. Well, she's nagging me to get a pedicure too, > so that we can be the first husband and wife foot modelling team. She > claims it'll be a big boost to both of our careers (I'm currently an > accountant). I am dubious that much good will come out of this. Should > I call off the wedding, or go along with her plan? We have both agreed > to follow your advice on this matter. > > Signed, > > Mr. Stubby-Toes And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle thinks that this is just the cutest thing since His and Hers } towels. Yes, definitely, you should go for it. Get the pedicure. Get } your nails painted, too. I recommend "Rose Blush" -- it's definitely } your color. Of course, it's going to take a few months practice before } you learn how to walk nicely in those 3-inch heels, but it's worth it } for the love of a good woman. One other tip: Those stockings are a lot } more comfortable if you shave your legs. And anyway, the mini-skirts } would look silly if you didn't. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the wedding pictures with the two of you in } identical gowns. --- 254-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How big *is* your ego? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, being Omnipotenet and All-Powerful, I have an infinitely large } ego, tho ugh of course, my infinitely large modesty would not allow me } to admit it, if I was not so Omnipotent and All-Powerful. Of course, if } one were to *measure* my ego, which is something a mere mortal such as } yourself could not do, it would probobly go so large, as to be } considered Very Extremely Infinite-Type Big. My ego is large it is not } even scratched when mere mortals ask me infinitely stupid questions, } such as: How big *is* your ego? My ego is so large, I recently } installed an addition to the old split-level ego, with a in-ground pool, } a penguin appreciation room, a library, and Rhode Island. } You owe the Oracle Bob Vila's Collection of Time Life Home Improvement } Series and a free session with Binky, the Wonder Psycologist. --- 254-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Chapter 27 > > Amy deftly removed her tank top, revealing her small but > firm and luscious breasts. The small dark brown knots at > the centers pointed slightly upward, almost as though they > had a consciousness of their own and were begging to be > nuzzled. > > "Oh baby, I need you bad," Paul murmurred. He leaned down > a bit in order to brush the delectable nipples with his lips, > but she cupped her palm under his chin so as to stop him, > and cautioned, "uh uh uh." Paul looked at her quizzically. > "First you have to bake me a cake, big man," she said > breathlessly. > > "Say what?" he asked. "You heard me," Amy continued, "bake > me a delicious German Chocolate Cake, and you can have your > way with me." "But I don't know the recipe," Paul protested. > "That's OK. I'll show you. My way," the young woman said > seductively and, taking him by the hand, she led him to the > kitchen. > > "First, take one stick (8 tablespoons) of butter or margarine, > and cream it in a large glass mixing bowl," she began. With > a wink, she then added, "not *that* kind of creaming; that's > for later. Let me show you how." ...... > > This is a sample of my new Cookbook For Adults, "coming" soon to > a bookstore near you. I expect it to be a best seller. Most guys > don't learn to cook because the books never speak in terms of what > motivates them. Well, this book should take care of that excuse. > > Please tell me, oh Wise Oracle, what do you think of its chances? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's just do some market research here. } } Helmut Kohl: "Achtung! Das ist nicht fur gesnarfing! Das ist fur die } geshectualintercoursing!" } } Ronald Reagan: Well, you see, I seem to have forgotten how to fuck. I } mean, I can't recollect who to cook. I mean, oh, I really want to fuck } Batman, but Nancy wouldn't let me even buy a rubber Batman doll with a } real vibrating penis. } } Napoleon: No. An army marches on its stomach, and if they thought } about this they'd just come all the time and be in no shape to fight } once they got to Russia. Besides, it's not real French cooking if } they're making German chocolate cake, is it? Well, c'est la vie. } } Aunt Jemima: Oh lawdie lawdie lawdie, what *will* they think of next? } } Juliet: Alas, oh, woe is me that my Romeo must cook to me using such a } book as that! Oh, cursed Sprite, that I was ever born to drink it } quite! } } Imelda Marcos: That's not sex! I have fucked an entire country for a } quarter of a century, and I know sex! It's not even very good cooking. } } Spiro Agnew: I am very much disturbed by the } recent upsurgence in pornograp } } Igor Stravinsky: I am ze great artizt! Do not bother my bodie with } such tresh! } } Abraham Lincoln: I larnt to cook on a long-handled iron skillet over an } open fire. That's why they elected me President. But if I'd had a book } like that, I'd never have run for office. } } Prince Charles: Oh, jolly good! Another cookbook! I'll just have } Princess Di toddle off and get one for the home! --- 254-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is this Clair person anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } On 18 July 1997, Clair Blickstein, of 182-E Avenue J, Brooklyn, NY, the } 4-year-old daughter of Isaac and Gertrude Blickstein, will become the } four billionth person in the history of the world to wonder why pigeons } walk so funny. She will never learn that pigeons are highly } sophisticated surveillence devices, introduced to Earth thousands of } years ago by a vastly superior alien species, and deliberately made to } look ridiculous so that no one would suspect their true purpose. } However, this is not the Clair you had in mind. } } Clair van der Zee, of Rotterdam, The Netherlands, was the chemist who } originally discovered clairol, a complex phenol which has mild } rejunvenating powers when used externally, and which produces the } strongest hallucenations known to mankind when used internally. After } she was reduced to a permanent vegatative state by repeated } experimentation with the chemical, all rights were bought by the } now-famous cosmetics corporation, which has ruthlessly suppressed any } hint of its more remarkable properties. However, this too is not the } Clair you had in mind. } } Of the 37,287,431 other Clairs who are or have already lived on Earth -- } sorry, make that 37,287,432, there's been a christening in Less Barlham, } Sussex -- among all those Clairs, there are many with stories as } fascinating as those related above. They can all be yours for the } asking: Just send $9.95 plus $25 million for postage and handling to } The Oracle. } } } You owe the Oracle your eldest child. Just name her "Clair;" the Oracle } will know where to find her. --- 254-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Look, there's this dumb incarnation of the oracle running around with > these long adjectival descriptions of women (spineless bowls of monkey > sluts, etc.) He's made the Oracularities too many times. He's not > funny. And he keeps talking about Mongolian Cluster Priests screwing in > lightbulbs? Enough Already!!! You keep saying the same things in all > your answers and questions!!! It's not funny anymore!!! I mean, how > did this guy make the Oracularities twice in the same issue? I'm not > jealous, pretty much all my stuff gets into the oracularities. But now > I'm blithering drunk, and don't feel like being witty, just abusive. > What's going on, Oracle? > > Note: please make sure this makes the Oracularities, just so this guy > will get the hint... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay, enough bullshit. This is truly honest and truly the most } unbelievably coincidence I've ever heard of. It was this incarnation of } the Oracle that wrote those words of wit that has managed to irk you so. } I've never even read the Oracularites. Bizarre. But I am deeply } offended by your insolence, you communist bastard. I've half a mind to } cut and paste those lines right in here to guarantee this "message" } doesn't get into Oracularities. Wouldn't that be good? I still just } might. Yea, that's what I'll do. Show you, you Pretty & Plump } frequenting, mule skinning, orphan punching, Oracularite reading, U-Haul } renting, finger slamming, Clearisol supporting, Quick Vomit Entree } nuking, styrofone littering, worm stomping, barbaric, smelly, ugly pile } of abolone entrails. } } Piss off.