From jonmon@cadence.com Mon Dec 17 09:55:50 1990 Received: from uunet.UU.NET by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu with SMTP (5.61+/1.4jsm) id AA10566; Mon, 17 Dec 90 09:55:42 -0500 Received: from cadence.com by uunet.uu.net (5.61/1.14) with UUCP id AA05277; Mon, 17 Dec 90 09:55:34 -0500 Received: from gda by cadence.noble (5.61/3.14) id AA12435; Mon, 17 Dec 90 06:35:31 -0800 Received: from thanatos.gda by gda (3.2/GDA-90/10/18) id AA14328; Mon, 17 Dec 90 09:33:57 EST Date: Mon, 17 Dec 90 09:36:50 EST From: jonmon@cadence.com (Jon Monsarrat x6227) Message-Id: <9012171436.AA16164@thanatos.gda> To: oracle-list@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Subject: Usenet Oracularities #243 Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 243 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #243 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 17 Dec 90 09:36:50 EST To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 243-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A fine romance, this is > A fine romance, without any kisses > I'll never muss the crease on your blue serge pants > I never get the chance > This is a fine romance. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How DARE you! Klingons do not tease like that! And further, you } had the gaul to defile the most sacred part of a warrior's battle } dress, his blue serge pants? You shall die! Klingons never tolerate } submissive behavior in their lovers. } } Guard, to the airlock with him! } } 3, 2, 1, } _ } _|_|_ } ^/ . ..\^ } ___[=========]___ } ___-==++""" . /. . . \ . """++==-___ } __-+"" __\ .. . . | .. . | . . . /__ ""+-__ } /\__+-"" `-----=====\_ _/=====-----' ""-+__/\ } _/_/ ""="" \_\_ } /_/ \_\ } // | \\ } /") \ | / ("\ } \o\ \*/ /o/ } \_) --**O**-- (_/ } /*\ } / | \ } | } } Klingons (and Oracles) do not tolerate wimpy lovers... } } You have been smitten. --- 243-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Derest, and most beloved Oracle! > > If i turn left at the nucleus, and step over those two electrones, > will I be able to share those electron with the nucleus without > causing what's known as a 'nuclear explosion' in some circuits? Or > is it just that I am very very small today? Or what IS it really? > > PLEASE help me. I think there's a myon heading my way! > /Zap And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } On the controversial new authors lecture circuit, you would only } generate mixed reviews. } } On the professional racing circuit, you would receive blank stares. } } On the Oracle's own social circuit, which includes such notables } as Bohr, Heisenberg, and the Supreme Being, you would be greeted } with an explosion of laughter. However,.... } } On the "Fundamentalist Preachers Who Think Falwell is a Wimp" lecture } circuit, engaging in quantum intercourse with a (formerly) Noble gas } will produce an explosion of righteous condemnation. Should you then } engage in electron swapping, with unmarried particles below legal size, } there will be a wave of Fire'n'Brimstone pulled down from on high } and cast upon your sinful brow. Should you then profane the accepted } order of the universe by allowing those electrons to penetrate deep } within your quantum tunnel, the sulpherous invective resulting from } this unnatural act will no doubt trigger the apocalypse. Which will } closely resemble a nuclear explosion, or a Tunamelt on rye. } } You owe the Oracle a fallout shelter, complete repentence, and three } soggy cheesepuffs --- 243-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has ponderedour question deeply. Your question was: > Oh omniimpont Oracle, where do I get off? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Omniimpotent?" My, how amusing. } } Where do you get off? No problem, let's just consult your ticket. } Hmmm, a 2nd class ticket via train from Wainscotting to } Upcrust-on-Pyle, via Snormouth. Oh, dear, we seem to have already } passed the Upcrust station, but no matter, we'll just let you off RIGHT } NOW! } } } } Oh, dear, I suppose we should have stopped the train first. } } Harump, "Omniimpotent," indeed! } } You owe the Oracle a Eurail pass. --- 243-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your question has been referred to the autoreply daemon. Your question } fits several categories, please pick the appropriate reply from the } enclosed list. } } 1)Having trouble getting words out? Sentences getting painfully stuck } halfway? Try delicious chocolate flavored Textlax for relief from } mental constipation. } } 2) What?? Lip-synching your questions again?? I'm afraid you'll have } to return that Orky award we gave you last year. } } 3)Congratulations! You have just turned in the winning entry in our } competition:"All the good reasons to declare war on Iraq." } } 4) Thank you. The oracle advises a great many of its followers to keep } quiet if they have nothing worthwhile to ask -- it's nice to be taken } literally once in a while. } } 5) Is that all? After years of net sex I tell you I'm having a baby PC, } and all you have to say for yourself is ?? --- 243-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It's Christmas time again, and people will be asking Santa Claus for > all kinds of good (and not so good) stuff. Me, I don't want anything > special; I just want something different this year. Every year its the > same thing -- my mother sends me another fruitcake. I tried to eat it > the first time she sent one to me, but I couldn't eat the thing, so I > threw most of it out. Then I felt guilty. > > The next year, she sent me another. I gave it to a now former > girlfriend. She hasn't spoken to me since. > > I got another one last year, and I kept it almost a whole year. I just > threw it out last week because my mom was coming to visit, and I > couldn't let her see that I didn't eat last years. She brought another > one with her this year, and I don't know what to do. > > Tell me Oracle, why do people keep sending fruitcakes at Christmas, when > no one actually eats the things? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's become part of the American tradition. Slowly, oh-so-slowly, } people are realizing that most Americans hate fruitcake and will not eat } it. Partly this is because manufactured fruitcakes have almost no } batter and are almost all candied fruit and low-grade nut (the batter } portions get stale more readily, and so manufacturers keep them to a } minimum), and follish American cooks have tried to emulate that. } } A well-made fruitcake, with a reasonable amount of batter, preserved in } a large quantity of rum, brandy, Kirschwasser, or good Bourbon, is not a } bad thing, though still not to everybody's taste. A few monasteries } make a pretty good one (the Trappists at Gesthemani in Kentucky -- they } use Bourbon. But the cheese they make is better than the fruitcake, and } really they should be making ale like the Belgian Trappists make, or } whiskey -- good manly things, not like wimpy fruitcake). } } Take heart and know that sales of fruitcake are plummeting throughout } the U. S., and so you are not alone in being sick of fruitcake. } However, fruitcake makes great caulking, and can save you quite a few } dollars a month on heating and cooling bills (depending on the climate, } of course). It's also great as a substitute for plaster. Not even the } cockroaches and mice will eat it except when starved. } } The Oracle suggests that in August, gently hint to your mother that you } don't like fruitcake. Say that you think it's too sweet and rots the } teeth and makes you gain weight. Increase the vehemence of your anti- } fruitcake tirades gradually up until Thanksgiving. Unless your mother } is really obtuse, she'll get the idea. If she sends one anyway, give it } to your local food bank. A really hungry family might appreciate the } sheer caloric bulk of the thing. If she asks about its disappearance, } claim that you had an impromptu party and that other people (not you -- } hint that you don't really go for it any more -- too sweet for an adult } palate) pigged out on it. --- 243-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do some girls and why don't other girls? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Some girls are nymphomaniacal sluts who can't control themselves and } will insert any vaguely phallic object up their crotches but prefer } a live human penis attached to a man. Other girls are frigid virgins } who wouldn't like sex much even if anybody would bother to offer it. } And there's everything in between -- nymphomaniacal virgins who have } incredible self-control and want to fuck every man in sight, but save } it for marriage (often their husbands do not survive the honeymoon, but } what a wonderful way to die: sexual excess with a horny bride!), frigid } women who have to force themselves to have sex and fake orgasms and } pretend to enjoy them because they fall in love easily and think that } if they have sex with a man he will be theirs forever and so they close } their eyes and hope to ensnare a husband. All manner of variations, } as multitudinous as the members of the human race. } } The Oracle is a bit old-fashioned and thinks that sex before marriage } can be great fun, but is usually a bad idea in the long run. The old } ideas about there being two kinds of women, the ones you fuck and the } ones you marry, and about asking each successive girlfriend if she'll } screw with you and marrying the one who refuses, seem very sound to It. } } A woman can be a whore or a lady. A man can be a satyr (or gigolo) or } a gentleman. Do as you damned well please, but expect only the respect } you deserve. } } --- 243-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My girlfriend says that I will never understand her because I've never > been a woman. Of course I haven't! How many men have? What does she > expect me to do, go around in drag or have a sex-change operation? > It's not as if there were some way to temporarily change sex or > something. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, actually, your girlfriend has hit upon something... you see, } Shirley McLaine is not really all that far off base. Reincarnation is a } true and wonderous thing. The most well-adjusted people you know have } past lives as all sorts of species and in all genders. Looking back at } your history, one quickly discovers that you have NEVER, and I mean } NEVER, had a reincarnation as anything but a male (although there was a } stint as an asexual petunia, but that really doesn't count). } } If you had, of course, spent some time as a female ANYTHING, then your } past memories would subconsciously help you in dealing with your } girlfriend (who has had a VERY interesting history, which I'll keep } around for future reference... let's just say she has had some } interesting relationships in her past lives, including kings, queens, } popes, artists, and a few other things too strange to discuss without } proper compensation... in other words, it will cost you). } } Now, how do we deal with this. I've marked your file with an entry that } your next 17 incarnations will be female, so in... oh, 1413 years you } should be okay. Until then, you'll just have to do what males have been } doing for years: } } 1) Hide all the sharp objects } 2) Say "Yes, dear, I know..." quite a lot } 3) Spend as much time out of the house (away from her) as you can } without risking loss of life or limb } 4) Put the toilet seat down, even if you didn't leave it up. } 5) MOST IMPORTANT: Never argue with them two weeks before or two weeks } preceeding any menstrual period, and don't argue with them DURING } the period either. In fact, it would be best just to get as far } away as possible (I recommend Guam). } } You owe the Oracle snapshots of your next three lives, plus $15K in } unmarked bills for a copy of the file on your girlfriend. --- 243-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I keep getting balaclavas and baklavas confused. When I try to eat one > of them it's really hard to chew; when I try to wear one of them I get > honey and bits of pastry all over my head. How do I avoid this > confusion? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has searched high and low for an answer to your question, } and finally found it inscribed in volcanic rock near the European town } of Leipzig (site of the famous "Bach Lava"). } } Simply tilt your head back as far as you can. If you have pastry, it } will slide right into your mouth. Otherwise, you will be all right. } } If this does not work, then the Oracle advises you to learn a foreign } language in which these two objects have words that are less similar. --- 243-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What happens to good little computers when they die? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When good little computers die, they go to the computer version of } heaven (ver. 4.0). Computer heaven is a place where Motorola-based } systems and Intel-based systems frolic together in the meadows, } unashamed of their lack of chassis. Computer heaven is a place where } "(A)bort, (R)etry, or (I)gnore" are words that do not have any meaning } whatsoever. Computer heaven is a place where 0% of development time is } spent on debugging, as opposed to the figure of 98.23% here on Earth. } Computer hell is a scary place. It's full of noisy cooling fans, } Miniscribe fixed-disks, people who say "Microcomputer". Furthermore, } the whole place is ruled by Timex Sinclairs and Vic-20's. For a vision } of computer limbo, look around. We're deeply mired in it. } } You owe the Oracle a bug free program which can write any bug free } program. --- 243-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a runner always has to run half his remaining distance, how does > he ever finish the race? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually finishing the race is not the problem, since even if the runner } had microscopic enough feet to take the progressively tinier steps } without stepping over the finish line accidentally, everyone knows it's } a geometrically decreasing time sequence for each additional 'half', so } the total time it takes is just a number. No, the problem is with the } mental state of the athelete. See, after the first half of the race is } over, the runner has to think twice as fast in order to perceive the } rest of the race as he perceived the whole race initially. After he's } gone half *that* distance, he has to think twice as fast again. By the } time he's gone 0.9999999 of the way, he's thinking so fast he'd put a } Cray to shame. Finally he crosses the finish line in finite time, but } in the meantime he's thunk so damn fast he's blown every neuron in his } head. Ever wonder why sprinters always have such goofy grins? } } You owe the Oracle a gold medal and a lobotomy.