From kinzler Sat Nov 24 00:37:00 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 24 Nov 90 00:34:02 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #233 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 233 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #233 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 24 Nov 90 00:34:02 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 228 16 votes 22543 12652 33730 15352 24442 14263 31723 23524 25720 27430 228 3.0 mean 3.3 3.3 2.6 3.1 3.0 3.4 3.1 3.2 2.6 2.5 --- 233-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker, P.M. The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise. > > I have this (foobar) problem. No matter what I do (foobar), I can't > stop (foobar) saying "foobar." What can I (foobar) do? Anxiously > awaiting your response, (foobar) > --Adam "foobar" Glass > UC Berkeley And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have an advanced case of Hacker Hiccups, not to be confused with } the Hiccup Hackers, who are a ruthless band of Conan-like outlaws } dedicated to the elimination of abrupt noises by the indiscriminate } use of broadswords. } } The common cures for the Hacker Hiccups are, in order of severity: } } 1) Drink seven slugs of vodka, or better yet grain alcohol, without } pause. This will stop you from saying foobar, or much of anything else } for that matter, for about a day. } } 2) Scare the tarnation out of the burliest looking ruffian you see } around you. He will reciprocate by clouting you firmly in the head, } which will hopefully cause temporary amnesia, or a loss of motor } control, and should stop you from saying foobar for many weeks. } } 3) Hold your breath for 30 minutes. If you annoy the ruffian in cure 2 } sufficiently, he will be glad to help you on this one, which is a } little hard to do on your own. This will cure your problem } permanently. } } You owe the Oracle a set of System V Unix manuals which are not } covered with coffee and potato-chip oil stains. --- 233-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Rt. Hon. Jim Hacker, P.M. The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My roommate is tall and blonde and sexy and she's got a perfect > complexion and always has guys running after her. I'm short and > fat and I've had zits since before highschool and I can't keep a > boyfriend for a week. Is there any magic spell that can put us in > each other's bodies, so I can be her and she'll be stuck being me? > Thanks! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm. Magic spells, I haven't had call for one of those in a long } time. Let's check out the "man" page.... } } % man trans } } TRANS(666) USER COMMANDS TRANS(666) } } NAME } trans - transmorgification } } SYNOPSIS } /usr/calvin/bin/caltrans [-cpk] _o_b_j_1 o_b_j_2 } } DESCRIPTION } Trans is a new version transmorgification written } by Mr. Calvin. Its functionality is to transform } the first object into the second object. } } The user must have read and write permission for the } first object. } } OPTIONS } -c Copies should be in color } -k Keep an original copy of the first object } -p Permute the two objects by simultaneously } transmorgifying the second object into the first. } } FILES } /etc/stuffed/animals } summons a daemon to operate processing } /etc/object/aliases } to get list of aliases for objects } /dev/transmorgifier/box } port for transmorgification } } BUGS Write permission for object2 is not checked. } Output device is assumed to be a cardboard box. } Color copies should be the default. } } Sounds pretty easy. } } % write hilda@foobar.mit.edu } No problem. Just type "trans -cp hilda lisa" } This one's on me. } ^D } } % } Message from hilda@foobar.mit.edu on ttyp3 at 16:12 ... } Thanks. hehehehe. } } } Hey, what's going on. I feel so greasy. Why does it } say "trans -cp hilda oracle" on my monitor! } } %write hilda@foobar.mit.edu } That's because I am taking over. No point going for beauty } when I can have beauty and intelligence. I am now the } oracle. hahahha. Nobody can stop me now! } ^D } } Message from hilda@foobar.mit.edu on ttyp4 at 16:13 ... } I think you owe the oracle a bottle of Clearasil. --- 233-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've been told that apples symbolize many things. > I've never been told that crushed pimentoes symbolize anything. > > Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One does not entrust the Big Red Button to a child. The human race has } on many occasions proved itself unworthy of learning the full } significance of crushed, sliced or whole pimentos. Just so you don't } bother me again, I'll give you a list of the disasterous highlights: } } 1) In 1572, Jenny Hastings was told the secret of pimentos by a } knowledgable but unwise monk. An early equal rights advocate, Jenny } decided she could just as easily make piewomentoes, and set about } collecting what she considered 'extra toes' from the customers in her } women's shoe store, intending to give them all free slices of the pie. } She was burned at the stake. } } 2) Jenny's son and daughter, reading their mother's diary, thought that } Jenny had misinterpretted the monk's advice. Instead of making toe } pies, they believed the monk had said pinintoes, and implanted upturned } pins in all the shoes they sold, hoping for Eternal Happiness. Their } shoe store was closed and they were drawn and quartered when the Queen } tried on a pair. } } 3) The monk's words drew little notice after that until a classical } scholar rediscovered the diary of Jenny Hastings in 1893. Sir Charles } Whickerbasket convinced himself that the gruesome fates of Jenny and her } children were attributable to their ignorance of Greek, and spent } several years and his entire personal fortune trying to tell the world } about the joy that pimentos and rhophysicos could bring. His days came } to a lonely and unhappy end in a gutter in New Dehli. } } 4) The last time the cursed story of pimentos surfaced was in Silicon } Valley in 1986, when Xavier Piment, reading the monk's account and } believing himself touched by God, tried to convince the computer } community to abandon Unix, and MSDOS, and all other such sillyness, and } adopt his Piment OS as the standard, now and forever. His friends } laughed at him so hard that no fewer than seven of them ruptured organs } and died of internal hemorrhaging. Xavier went mad with grief, and has } purchased and extensively used the 1.0 (or even better, the 0.9) version } of every piece of bug-ridden software he can find as penance. } } So don't try to understand it. Sprinkle the crushed stuff in your } spagetti sauce, munch the sliced ones in green olives, but never } question the true meaning of the pimento. } } Gosh, that makes me hungry. You owe the Oracle a pizza. --- 233-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty and wise Oracle, whose thingamajig is never confused with a > whatchamacallit, and whose doodlebob is better than anyones, please > give me an answer: > > I've just been promoted, and my new job title is Database Administrator. > > What are they wanting me to do???? Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, please keep the Oracle's thingamajig, whatchamacallit, } and doodlebob out of it. We barely know each other. } } Being a Database Administrator is very, very simple. The Oracle } suggests that you remember the following E-Z Phrases to Database } Administrative Success: } } "Sorry, we don't have our queries set up for that data. 20 man-weeks." } "Hmmm, looks like an RBD problem. 20 man-weeks." "Our people will need } more training to implement that. 20 man-weeks." "Your people will need } new training when we bring up the new system. 20 man-weeks." "Hmmm, } looks like we need more disk space. 20 man-weeks." "Buy IBM. 20 } man-weeks." } } You owe the Oracle an SQL manual. --- 233-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will there be an earthquake on December 3 of this year along a fault in > Missouri? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Along a fault, hmmm? THe Oracle sees through what you are trying to do. } } You are trying to pin the fault (that was clever use of the double } meaning of the word fault, but you need to remember that the Oracle is } omniscient) for the earthquake on the Oracle. } } When the earthquake occurs, people will of course want someone to blame } it on. You will then pull out your Oracular Reply (tm) and say "Look, } the Oracle said there would be an earthquake...It must be the Oracle's } fault!" } } Of course, there must be a way that you know that there will be an } earthquake. (The Oracle knows because the Oracle is omniscient, of } course.) The only possible way you could know that there will be an } earthquake is if you yourself will be causing it! } } So, not only were you trying to pin blame on the Oracle, but you were } trying to blame the Oracle for something you were going to do! The } Oracle is usually very forgiving, of course, but you are starting to } overstep your bounds. However, the Oracle will give you a chance, } providing you are good with words... } } You owe the Oracle an essay on why you should not be sentenced forever } to /dev/null. And a plane ticket out of Missouri, dated no later than 2 } December, AD 1990. --- 233-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Would you be half as witty if you got questions that weren't such > blatant set-ups????? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. See? --- 233-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh PS/1, > > I will be flying to America in January. Now, since America and > Americans don't actually exist, where will I go and what/whom will I > see? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ahha, indeed an interesting question. } I have pondered it and have reached this conclusion } } you will see exactly what everyone else sees....America as it looks } through the eyes of anyone who does not know the true secret that it is } a sound set in Greenland. } } upon hoping on the plane you will sit down. However, when they claim to } be preasurizing the cabin they are in fact sending in a highly toxic gas } which causes delusions they want you to believe. They then take you out } of the plane, (without it ever having taken off) and plop you down in a } sensory deprivation tank. From here your own mind which has already } been plagued by propaganda takes over. you will believe you are in } America and seeing people and places in America but in fact you will be } submerged in a tank of warm saline solution in a dark corner of the } airport. you will be alowed to wake up after the appropriate time has } passed. Recovery from this experience involves a feeling of } disorientation and tiredness comonly known to the public as jet lag. } Its pretty neat how big these coverups can get isn't it. } } you owe the Oracle one blonde about 5'5 with a beautiful figure and a } mind to keep the oracle company on his next flight to the US --- 233-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, who is quite impressive, > > How can I keep my neo-lithic roommates from getting peanut butter > in the jelly jar, and vice versa? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, the Oracle would like to take a moment to compliment you } on the "quite impressive" part. To all would-be-supplicants: Think } begging and groveling. Works like a charm. } } OK, onwards, now to the Peanut Butter and Jelly problem. The Oracle } will admit (in an unguarded moment) that this problem has reoccured } throughout human history, and even prehistory (you know, that stuff } that came before that no one wrote down, but that you get tested on } away). One of the very first wars was over someone who kept getting } mammoth tallow in the burnt wild oat cake batter, which was just one of } those things that happen when you make the transition from } hunter-gatherer to agriculture. } } Fortunately, the Oracle has a collection of solutions to just this } problem. Listen up: place jam at one end of counter, peanut butter on } the other. Make sure they are at least six feet apart. Attach one } knife to each jar via a 2-1/2 foot rope, thus making it impossible for } the same knife to be used with both spreads. This goes part of the } way, but does not prevent the dreaded Peanut-Butter-Jelly-Transferance } Problem, where PB or J (chemical symbols) are transferred from one jar } to the other when the second component is added. Armed guards work } well to stop this problem. } } You owe the Oracle lunch; all this talk of food has make me hungry. --- 233-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and wondrous Oracle, whose dining philosophers never deadlock > thanks to an eternal news feed, answer for me this question: > > My news server is down, and it can't get up. How am I to get my daily > fix of news until someone reboots it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Just get UNIX-ALERT. Yes, with UNIX-ALERT help is just a keystroke } away. Look at these situations: } } "Someone's broken into my /etc/passwd file!" } } UNIX-ALERT: "Richard Stallman is on his way to your node." } } "I'm having a segmentation fault!" } } UNIX-ALERT: "I'm sending Kernighan and Ritchie themselves to } help you." } } "My news feed has fallen -- and it can't get up!" } } UNIX-ALERT: "No need to panic -- hardcopy of all the news groups } is on its way via U.S. Mail to your address. Er, postage due." } } Yes, UNIX-ALERT could just save your miserable excuse for a life! } Dial 1-800-CORE-DUMP today! } } You owe the Oracle the sources for AT&T's UNIX rev 4. --- 233-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that nice guys rarely win, and how a sensitive, attractive > European guy can meet a girl of the same caliber - and not a > stereotypical bowhead. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me tell you a little story about a "nice guy." There was this } gentleman by the name of Ted who was a very nice guy. Ted made } friends easily, and you could always count on him in a tight spot. } One day he met a girl named Bernice who was very attractive and very } bright. Bernice was touched and amused by Ted, and she quickly } seduced him. Bernice shamelessly manipulated and tormented him for } years. She used Ted for recreational sex and zero interest loans. } She was unfaithful, intolerant, and cruel. But everytime Ted tried } to leave her, she would break down and cry until Ted agreed to stay } since he was such a nice guy. Eventually Bernice left Ted for a } traffic cop who was even more sadistic than her. Ted was a wreck } (and broke) for years afterwords, but the story has a happy ending. } Ted eventually became a monk, and now he leads a peaceful life tending } to a rose garden. } } You owe the Oracle a better attitude.